risjurad Posted January 24, 2016 Posted January 24, 2016 Is it considered a "coming on too quickly" situation if I were to ask a woman I encounter in-person, to go on a "date" right there and then? If not a full-blown date, then to either grab a coffee or lunch? I'm not expecting to kiss, nor go back to her place that same day. Just so that I can sit down with her and chat one-on-one. Something to establish that this isn't just a casual fling nor conversation. But not to be too serious (for example, I don't care if she isn't dressed up). I'd like it to lead to more dates is all. I've talked with women, given my email/phone # before, but they've never lead to dates. (I will admit part of it is I've been too chicken to ask if she wanted to go out for [whatever]) It seems worse comes to worse, she'll say no, and other such things like she already has a boyfriend. I'm assuming if they're married or engaged, I'll be able to see a ring on her hand. One thing with my situation is I live in a remote town on the smaller side, so many of these woman will be 1.5 to 4 hours drive away. I don't have the ability to keep coming back to the same place to work my way up, observe her habits, through some club, volunteer activity, etc. In the case of the above, if it went well, I'd contact her again for a followup date. I'd have to deal with whether or not she's OK with a LDR, but we'll cross that bridge if we get there.
Robratory Posted January 24, 2016 Posted January 24, 2016 No, it's not coming on too quickly. Coming on too quickly refers mainly to sex. If you start chatting with a woman you don't know, quickly find out if she's available. There's nothing wrong with smiling and saying, "So... are you married?" or "Do you have a boyfriend?" Which to use depends on which you think is more likely. If she's not married but does have a boyfriend, she'll know why you're asking and hopefully she'll let you know she's not available. If she is available, introduce yourself and say, "If you're not busy, join me for a cup of coffee." If she's busy and you think she's not lying, try to get her phone number. By now, even the dumb ones will get that you're interested in them, so if they start looking left and right like trapped animals, well, now you know. They were being pleasant but weren't interested that way. And even when it seems to go well, don't be too surprised if they get cold feet. This happened to me just last Friday. I happened to strike up a conversation with a woman on a bus. I asked if she was married, and she said she was a widow. I said, "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that! :(" and she said, "Oh, he died long ago, barely five years into our marriage!" so I said, "Oh, then I'm glad to hear that! :D" and she laughed. We talked some more and I said, "Let's meet again for coffee. What's your phone number?" So she gave me her phone number and then it was her stop so she got off. I called her yesterday, and she said, "I'm just walking out the door. Call me back in about an hour." I thought hmmm, why don't you call me back? Anyway, I called back in an hour, and my call went straight to voicemail. She basically got cold feet but for whatever reason, couldn't bring herself to say, "Hey, listen, it was nice chatting with you on the bus, but I'm just not in a space where I can get involved with anyone, so thanks but I can't." So instead she's avoiding me. By the way, I'm over 50 and so was she, so there's no excuse. If that happens to you, it can make you feel like a creep, but don't. She's the one in the wrong. Mature adults communicate with words. Immature adults communicate with drama, and who knows what the hell they're trying to say?
Maggie4 Posted January 24, 2016 Posted January 24, 2016 That's a good idea. If you're near an eatery, simply ask if she'd join you.
carhill Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 IMO, no harm in 'can we continue this over xxx (coffee, lunch, dinner, etc)?' Caution: Not all married women wear rings and they also can be creative with the truth. However, no harm in a mini-date. Hones the skills.
normal person Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 Is it considered a "coming on too quickly" situation if I were to ask a woman I encounter in-person, to go on a "date" right there and then? If not a full-blown date, then to either grab a coffee or lunch? Whether or not it's "coming on too strong" is subjective (for most, it probably is, I'd imagine). I think the bigger problem is that it's very impractical. That's the reason people don't do this already. You're assuming that women you cross paths with are just wandering about with no purpose, like they don't have a reason for going there or things to accomplish, or other time limitations. Sure, that might be the case but it's not a safe bet. Why not just talk for a minute and get her number like everyone else? That gives her an "out." She can just give you her number and then not respond if she doesn't want to. But your method to get her to go with you that second is putting a lot of pressure on her in that moment. If she doesn't drop what she's doing to satisfy your request, she has to deal with you being upset or worse. Something to establish that this isn't just a casual fling nor conversation. But not to be too serious (for example, I don't care if she isn't dressed up). You not caring that she's not dressed up isn't really the problem. If you run into a girl who just got out of the gym, is in yoga pants and covered in sweat, she's not going to agree to go out with anyone. This is just one example. If she's at work or out running errands, the woman is likely not prepared for a date by her own standards. Women want to be dressed up, attractive, and desired. Insisting that you don't care is irrelevant. She cares, and she's the one with all the leverage in the situation. I'd like it to lead to more dates is all. I've talked with women, given my email/phone # before, but they've never lead to dates. (I will admit part of it is I've been too chicken to ask if she wanted to go out for [whatever]) Why don't you get their number and then ask to go wherever? If you want to go out with someone, the onus is on you to take action. They might give you a shot. But handing them your number and putting the onus on them to do everything is going to be largely fruitless -- they don't know you, they have no apparent desire to go out with you, it's very odd that you're a man giving his number out and expecting women to do something with it, etc. On the other hand, asking them to go out right there and then seems like too much. There's a reason people don't do that. Taking a more measured approach and just getting her number at first is normal. What's the problem with doing that? One thing with my situation is I live in a remote town on the smaller side, so many of these woman will be 1.5 to 4 hours drive away. I don't have the ability to keep coming back to the same place to work my way up, observe her habits, through some club, volunteer activity, etc. In the case of the above, if it went well, I'd contact her again for a followup date. I'd have to deal with whether or not she's OK with a LDR, but we'll cross that bridge if we get there. The problem is that you think because you live far away that women will just give you the benefit of the doubt and you'll somehow be able to just bypass conventional dating decorum. If you don't have the time or opportunity necessary to endear yourself to her, that's your problem, not hers. Why should she have to drop what she's doing and go to lunch with you right then and there because of your geographic limitations? Why not date someone locally? Trying to meet and start relationships with women who live hours away adds a whole other layer of impracticality. It might work once or twice, but I wouldn't bet the farm on this technique. The conventional methods are in place because they work. If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Ami1uwant Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 It depends..... You seeing some woman at the next register snd you asking out of the blue likely won't be too successful. You have a 3-5 minute conversation with someone you meet randomly there is no harm in it because she also knows that it's not like getting sex but wanting to get yo know you more.
angel.eyes Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 It's not too forward. I'm more concerned about you traveling 4 hours away to pick up women. Are there none in your small town? Getting a cold approach to date you beyond the first time, after she finds our how far away you live, is going to be difficult. Try to look closer to where you live, if you're hoping for things to turn into a relationship.
Author risjurad Posted January 25, 2016 Author Posted January 25, 2016 ......... .......... Why not date someone locally? Trying to meet and start relationships with women who live hours away adds a whole other layer of impracticality. It might work once or twice, but I wouldn't bet the farm on this technique. The conventional methods are in place because they work. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. In my OP, I mention I live in a small town. The dating pool is practically non-existent. I may move out of there one day, but that may be years, as the job is there and not too shabby otherwise. Until then, I don't want to wait years just to be able to date "the normal way". That said, I've been giving out my number instead of asking for theirs since I've been told it's less commitment. It does sound like I need to be blunt and ask for their number, so that part is something I should take to heart. It's not too forward. I'm more concerned about you traveling 4 hours away to pick up women. Are there none in your small town? Getting a cold approach to date you beyond the first time, after she finds our how far away you live, is going to be difficult. Try to look closer to where you live, if you're hoping for things to turn into a relationship. 1.5 to 4 hours. 2.5 is where the city's at. It doesn't necessarily have to be 4. There are towns close by, but they're small towns with only few hundred to few thousand people, so that's why I need to aim for some of those larger cities with populations of 100K+
carhill Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 Yeah, finding single people in a small town can be tough if you're not a teenager I wouldn't worry about asking for numbers. With today's technology they can give you a repeater number to secure theirs or block you if they don't want to talk with you. Never hurts to ask and then follow up.
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