brokenheart_ihave Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 My first GF of 8months left me 2 days ago by email and ever since I've had this horrible sick feeling of anxiety in my gut, its killed my appetite and I managed to loose half a stone of weight since she told me (i didn't want to loose any!). I'd always thought she was the perfect person for me - and I really cant imagine meeting anyone else that i'll like as much, and I dont see how I'm going to forget this girl. She says she only loves me as a friend and nothing more, and was basically "trialling" it with me because she though it'd get better, but our relationship was always awkward, i couldnt be myself. I thought that was something that would go with time - but she outta the blue dumped me and said she doesnt want to get back together. I understand that if she's not happy, she doesnt want to be with me, but i just have that feeling that she's making a mistake and that we make the perfect couple, if we get past our differences. In a couple days I'm travelling to a friends to stay with them for a week - to keep me away from it all and away from contact with her or anyone that reminds me of her. In my mind, I still hope she'll change her mind and come back to me, but she says she wont. Any advice? And do you think that week of No Contact will make her change her mind? Thanks for any help/opinion/advice
NTB Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 join the club we have jackets really there is nothing you can do......... if it is over it is over....... you can't make somebody love you and really would you want to be with someone who isn't giving you what you are giving them. all you can do as just deal with the pain and slowly but surely try to live your life until your ready to move on into another relationship. NC is always good so stick with that and just keep yourself busy. dang she broke it off via e-mail that sucks.........
brokenheart_ihave Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 Yeh, i know, 3 days before my last uni exam as well. Trouble is, she still (genuinly) wants to be friends, because we were really good friends before we started going out - i dont know if i can cope with it, keeping a good friend over trying to get over her, its a difficult decision.
NTB Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 this is just me here but for now if you can't handle it then don't be friends you have enough to deal with to be worried about still being friends with her so just tell her as of now u can't do being friends maybe later on when you have healed some it can be possible but for right now u can't ........if she really cares about you she will understand that she is asking alot of you right now
brokenheart_ihave Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 Good advice. Think I'll do that, and I think she will understand.
brokenheart_ihave Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 good advice! I'll tell her i need time to heal and i'm sure she'll understand. Just hope this pukey feeling goes away - managed to throw my breakfast up today and so not eaten anything all day! cant be good for my health.
NTB Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 give it time it will pass or maybe not it has been a couple of months and i still can't eat.....and yeah it can't be good
brokenheart_ihave Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 Well, part of my problem is that I dont really have anything to do all day - just finished the uni year so i'm going to be stuck at home doing nothing, so there's nothing to take my mind off of it, maybe its the same for you, i dunno. I'm gonna try getting a job, should kill most of the hours in the day, and hopefully, meeting new people will help me to move on (dont rly have friends) and maybe find other girls, its times like these i wish i had special convincing mind powers though! or that i'd never had met her in the first place. I guess the reality is, you meet the person you think you love usually after not so many girls, i mean there must be like 1 right girl in every 2 kilometres squared of city for us waiting, but as shes my first love i dont know if i can ever love as much as i loved her.
incubus075 Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 I feel for ya bro. I just went through the same thing. Except my ex tells me Im wonderful and she loves me but she needs to move on right now. Its been about a month and half for me and I think about her constantly. I dont get as upset as I used to but its still killing me. Youve got to find atleast 1 thing to hang on to. For me, it became exercise. I jog 5x a week and try to work out in some way every day. When I do it allows me to clear my mind and not think about anything. Youve got to find what does that for you. I know its rough and supposedly time makes it easier. Time aint really making it easier for me but everyone is different. Good luck.
ConfusedInOC Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 Originally posted by brokenheart_ihave My first GF of 8months left me 2 days ago by email and ever since I've had this horrible sick feeling of anxiety in my gut, its killed my appetite and I managed to loose half a stone of weight since she told me (i didn't want to loose any!). I'd always thought she was the perfect person for me - and I really cant imagine meeting anyone else that i'll like as much, and I dont see how I'm going to forget this girl. She says she only loves me as a friend and nothing more, and was basically "trialling" it with me because she though it'd get better, but our relationship was always awkward, i couldnt be myself. I thought that was something that would go with time - but she outta the blue dumped me and said she doesnt want to get back together. I understand that if she's not happy, she doesnt want to be with me, but i just have that feeling that she's making a mistake and that we make the perfect couple, if we get past our differences. In a couple days I'm travelling to a friends to stay with them for a week - to keep me away from it all and away from contact with her or anyone that reminds me of her. In my mind, I still hope she'll change her mind and come back to me, but she says she wont. Any advice? And do you think that week of No Contact will make her change her mind? Thanks for any help/opinion/advice Sounds just like how my relationship ended. My advice is to go into Limited Contact (don't initiate any calls or emails, let her do that.0 In the meantime, read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert A Glover and read the link to "Love Must Be Tough" in my signature. I bet you'll find a lot of things you did wrong to push her away like that. Did the same thing to my ex. If I only knew then what I know now....
brokenheart_ihave Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 Thanks, read through your link, and it is very true. Thing I dont understand is, if they'd just let us know these problems, then let us try again now that we know how to properly act in a relationship, it could be oh-so-sweeter. I guess people argue that this stuff should come naturally, but from what I've seen, this stuff doesnt come naturally, only from bad experiences with people and then the next time they know how to act so it just seems natural. Geeze, I can see why they used to have organised marriages in the past!
ConfusedInOC Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 Originally posted by brokenheart_ihave Thanks, read through your link, and it is very true. My next suggestion is to buy and read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert A Glover. It will give you even more in-site into your behavior and how to resolve any problems you have personally. Thing I dont understand is, if they'd just let us know these problems, then let us try again now that we know how to properly act in a relationship, it could be oh-so-sweeter. It's not her job to fix you. My ex has a LOT of communication problems. The thing is, people who do not communicate will continue to have relationship problems until they learn how to. It's not something they can fix overnight and in some cases, it's the problem that contributed most to the demise of the relationship. The thing you need to do is figure out what areas you can improve upon (read the book!) and work on yourself. You can not fix her and trying to "rescue" her will only make her bitter. I guess people argue that this stuff should come naturally, but from what I've seen, this stuff doesnt come naturally, only from bad experiences with people and then the next time they know how to act so it just seems natural. With every failed relationship you learn something new, become wiser and it sets you up for a better relationship the next time around. As hard as it is to believe now (and even I have a hard time believing it), you will find someone better for you. Geeze, I can see why they used to have organised marriages in the past! Yep and I am sure they weren't very happy ones either The penalty for divorce or infidelity back then was death....
brokenheart_ihave Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 Hell yeah, I just gotta move on and find new people to fall in love with. I gotta admit, I've still not got it out of my head that maybe in a couple years she might want to get back with me, if we both go through a few relationships and change, maybe realise how much we meant to each other, maybe not - i guess waiting round is the stupid thing to do. If she comes back to me, and I'm in a relationship, I can decide then who I want more, not like if the chance came I couldnt just dump who i'm with if my ex came back and I still had those feelings for her.
brokenheart_ihave Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 Does nobody have any good advice for getting rid of the sickness feeling though? I keep going round my house, trying to busy myself with anything but the interest only lasts a couple minutes!
outdated Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 Originally posted by brokenheart_ihave Does nobody have any good advice for getting rid of the sickness feeling though? I keep going round my house, trying to busy myself with anything but the interest only lasts a couple minutes! Unless you have some sort of cryogenic chamber that will allow you to hibernate for the next 5 months, there is no cure to the sickness. You are love sick and it's a common thing. Time is the only thing that will cure that. A beer or two will help, if you're into that sort of thing, but don't get wasted or you'll feel worse and still be love sick which is twice as bad. Love sickness it seems is closely related to anxiety, so exercise will help too.
ConfusedInOC Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 Originally posted by brokenheart_ihave Does nobody have any good advice for getting rid of the sickness feeling though? I keep going round my house, trying to busy myself with anything but the interest only lasts a couple minutes! There is no cure. This is pain that God allows us all to feel so that we learn from this experience and remember that pain the next time we get involved with someone. Only time will heal your wounds. If you are a Chrisitian, pray for God to heal your heart. I am going through the same thing. The only thing you can do is speed up your "perception" of time by hanging out with friends, engrossing in your hobbies, watching TV or doing whatever you can to keep your mind off your ex. You will heal over time but the scar will always remain as a reminder of the pain you felt. And hopefully you've learned enough from this pain that whatever mistakes you made will not be repeated. Good luck. PS: Grieving is natural. Losing someone you love to someone else like I did is almost harder than losing someone who loved you and died. At least you know they loved you. In my case, she left me for someone else. What a blow to my self-confidence and self-esteem. And I was too naive to notice she was drifting away....
SoleMate Posted June 8, 2005 Posted June 8, 2005 brokenheart, I recommend taking soothing broths (like chicken broth), soft digestible food like yogurt and white bread, in small amounts, and no alcohol, until you get your feet back under you.
miss-gonewest Posted June 8, 2005 Posted June 8, 2005 Originally posted by brokenheart_ihave Does nobody have any good advice for getting rid of the sickness feeling though? I keep going round my house, trying to busy myself with anything but the interest only lasts a couple minutes! I broke up on Sunday and I have that sick feeling too... and its a horrible feeling. The only times it has left me is when I haven't been thinking about my situation or when I have been asleep! I did a whole lot of reading last night on mending relationships - I even hightlighted parts to remember, and I didn't have that quesy feeling then. As soon as I think about him, and wonder what he's doing, I feel sick! Exercise, sleeping, and not thinking are the best things for you. Engross yourself in a movie (no romance, no sad songs, not one you watched together), talk to some people - your friends, your mum about THEIR lives to distract you. Browse some internet dating sites - see what other gorgeous girls are there for you to meet, or even put up a profile of your own and try and meet some new friends... Let us know how you are coping.. Ok?
ashley83 Posted June 8, 2005 Posted June 8, 2005 Originally posted by SoleMate brokenheart, I recommend taking soothing broths (like chicken broth), soft digestible food like yogurt and white bread, in small amounts, and no alcohol, until you get your feet back under you. yes yogurt! that's what helped me.....also bananas, any kind of fruit really, like cantalope, watermelon, mmmm vegetables too!. I had a really hard time w/ meat.....Love sickness is sooo strange, it's like a withdrawal, terrible. I lost like 10 pounds....me and my ex are back together though..its funny......he said he was eating waaay more to get over the breakup...is that normal?
ashley83 Posted June 8, 2005 Posted June 8, 2005 yes definitely tell us how youre' coping...i know how it is, believe me. You'll get through it. My first bf broke up w/ me when I was like 16...it was my first feeling of a breakup, and it was sooo scary! I didn't think I would ever get through it, but I did!!! Time will heal. You will look back and feel indifferent, its' beatiful, and believe me you have way more of a chance of finding someone new than I have always.....I'm in a religion with only 6 million worldwide and can only date in "the faith" haha
brokenheart_ihave Posted June 8, 2005 Posted June 8, 2005 Thanks guys! I'm feeling a lot better today - actually went out n played pool and (uh oh) did drink a little beer and felt a little drunk, not much though, and I do feel better!! I realised that sitting round on a computer or moping around at home is no good for you - go out, have some fun with friends, and look at other girls and maybe even try hitting on them. It really does help, and it made me realise I was being held back by my girlfriend before - not that she herself was holding me back, but that because I was with her, I was complacent to have her as my only friend - BIG mistake, even if you have a gf, get some friends - its surprising how easy if you contact some old contacts or people at work/uni/school and ask them to go out for a drink (n bring along neother friends), it totally takes your mind off of it, and not just that, you get past it, you realise that she should be with whoever makes her happy, and you should be open minded - then you'll be able to find other women, hell even if its just sleeping round, as long as you're being safe and having fun, its really worth taking that step! I managed to keep all my food down so far today! And I'm still hungry! Ate pasta and now I'm gonna have a meat sandwhich. So it definetly is a good cure (making friends) - In my case my girlfriend was my substitute for having friends, and loosing her meant I lost all my friends (cos she was the only one), so now making some friends is filling that gap and I feel a lot happier - you lot should try that too - dont be afraid to contact old friends (NOT ex gf's/bf's) and ask if they want to have a drink or something, you'd be surprised, most people are happier to get more friends - what's the worst they can say? no. big deal, if they say no then they end up looking like the unsociable one. so give it a try! I reccomend breaking your daily routine, go out and do stuff - doesnt mean go out and get blathered cos that's just dumb - just means have some fun, hang with friends or hit on girls, just dont do anything nasty or illegal!! ashley83, I think some people eat a lot when they're upset (ice-cream!) and some eat nothing, just depends on the person! No idea why. And no offense but that's a pretty sucky-religion rule! miss-gonewest, thanks a lot! hope you're ok too, try the friends thing I said - I actually looked on online dating (well, msn white pages) but everyone looked crap and they are all old accounts anyway! best thing to do is go out, to a bar or something with a friend or two, and find (in your case) guys you like! Solemate, whoops, guess I slipped on all accounts there! thanks neway! ConfusedInOC, whoah, look I dont know what happened between you and your gf, but my opinion is you're being too hard on yourself - if she left you for someone, then she's the bad one, suggests if she's just with you waiting for another better guy to come along, then she either doesnt know what she wants or that she's generally not good. Even if you weren't treating her right, she should have left on principles not just because someone better comes along, that's totally immoral of her so she isnt totally innocent here buddy, dont be hard on yourself - go meet up with some old friends, spruce yourself up, try and have a good time, and then when you are having a good time, you'll cheer up - and then you're ready to go find some girls, and they really should make you realise that your last relationship cant have been that good. After all, you say the pain is there by God? But God doesnt really randomly punish, he punishes to teach you a lesson, and IF YOU LEARN from it, then you know to move on, and then once you've learn that, say you find another girl and treat her well, then you've learnt your lesson and the pain goes away - and then you've done as god wanted (if that's what you believe)
niceguy69 Posted June 9, 2005 Posted June 9, 2005 I was complacent to have her as my only friend - BIG mistake, even if you have a gf, get some friends EXACTLY!!!! This is the same reason my gf of 1.5 years dumped me! As I spent more and more time with her I lost more and more friends. So, towards the end of 1.5 years I was a huge loser that did nothing on weekend nights and had no friends except my gf. And she saw how boring I was becoming and eventually found her "dream guy" while she was at bars and I was too lazy to go out. I learned the hard way too man, because I didn't see her dumping me at all, I was blindsighted. And to make matters even worse, when she dumped me I lost my only friend that I had left(her), so I was hurting really bad. And it has only been 6 weeks since she dumped me so I'm still having the occasional nightmares while I'm sleeping, and she is always the main character. I had lost 15 pounds 2 weeks after she dumped me because I could barely eat too. At least we learned from all this pain and our next gf's won't go running off. You have to keep living life when you have a gf, and a wife too for that matter. You can't just give up your life for them and devote ALL your time to them. Let's face it, girls fall for out-going guys, you have to maintain your normal life when youre going out with someone and continue to be social and outgoing with friends. You should only make subtle changes in yourself for the relationship, don't just turn into a total loser/wimp!!!
miss-gonewest Posted June 9, 2005 Posted June 9, 2005 Originally posted by niceguy69 You can't just give up your life for them and devote ALL your time to them. Let's face it, girls fall for out-going guys, you have to maintain your normal life when youre going out with someone and continue to be social and outgoing with friends. You should only make subtle changes in yourself for the relationship, don't just turn into a total loser/wimp!!! Hey, girls do this too! I am exactly the same, and was the same with my now ex... it is easier said than done, but it CAN be done! Here's to all of us being stronger and braver and looking after ourselves!
niceguy69 Posted June 9, 2005 Posted June 9, 2005 True. It's easy to see how all this advice works when you're on the outside looking in. When you're addicted to love(especially when you're addicted to her vagina^^), you get blinded by all the problems going on. At least now we finally understand the heartbreak all the poets and authors and songwriters have been talking about for thousands of years lol
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