How can I get her back?

[Roto]

For the two months of summer last year my (ex) girlfriend and I enjoyed the spoils of a happy and loving relationship, until I was jilted in August. This realization destroyed me inside, and I have since been unable to find anything that can cheer me up. I have tried to engage in relationships with several other people, but nothing ever became of them. After nine months of agony, I still love her as much as I did before she left. She has been with her rebound boyfriend, whom she now says she loves, for almost the entirety of that time. She has left and returned to him at least five times in the past two years, to my knowledge, but seems to not have any desire to leave him on this occasion. I know that both of them had gone through painful breakups in the past from correspondence with her and the ex-girlfriend of her current boyfriend, and that both of them have issues with understanding themselves and their emotions.

 

I have already tried ignoring her to make her wonder about me, which has of yet accomplished nothing. As mentioned earlier, I have tried to engage in other relationships, but they never seem to work past going to the movies or their house once, then not hearing back from them. A vast majority of my friends and my family have told me countless times to just let her go, but I can't; I love her too much, and can't stand living without her. A few have recommended trying to talk to her, but I never see her without him. Even if I were to obtain the chance, I don't know what to say; she had waned our interaction through instant messaging programs, and has essentially halted conversation between us since January. Her boyfriend also seems to fear for his life whenever I am around, although I am not sure why; I am very much opposed to violence. He has used this fear in the past to prevent me from being so much as near her geographically, and I find it a rather unfair advantage on his part.

 

I have been "assured" that their relationship will never work out and that it is but a matter of time, but I have come to doubt that through these long months. Both her current boyfriend and I are currently Juniors in high school, and she is a Senior. I know that she plans on going to a local community college, but seeing as the second semester is quickly coming to an end, I have become much more worried about finding adequate help. I desperately need assistance in any form, and I am willing to try anything that is legal, reasonable, and feasible. Almost anything would be helpful except my usual answer of "Get over her." I thank you all in advance for anything you might offer, and for your time spent reading my rather lengthy post.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I love her too much, and can't stand living without her.

 

Do you have anyone you can talk to about this? Ever thought of telling this stuff to a counselor? You really will want to consider that. You will be no good to yourself or anyone else until you can learn to know what it is like to not need someone so much. You will need to learn not to hold others responsible for the happiness you should be finding in yourself.

 

I don't think I need to point out the futility of your situation. You are obsessed with a woman who does not want you in her life. You can't force her to want you in hers. Anything you do to make this happen will result in you being served with a restraining order - or worse.

 

I can't offer any other advice, because there is literally none to give - you want something that isn't possible. Even if it were possible, your behavior in this situation has pretty much negated any chance you would have ever had with her.

[miss-gonewest]

Originally posted by Roto

This realization destroyed me inside, and I have since been unable to find anything that can cheer me up.

 

I have already tried ignoring her to make her wonder about me, which has of yet accomplished nothing. As mentioned earlier, I have tried to engage in other relationships, but they never seem to work. A vast majority of my friends and my family have told me countless times to just let her go, but I can't; I love her too much, and can't stand living without her.

 

A few have recommended trying to talk to her, but I never see her without him. Even if I were to obtain the chance, I don't know what to say; she had waned our interaction through instant messaging programs, and has essentially halted conversation between us since January.

 

I have been "assured" that their relationship will never work out and that it is but a matter of time, but I have come to doubt that through these long months.

 

I desperately need assistance in any form, and I am willing to try anything that is legal, reasonable, and feasible. Almost anything would be helpful except my usual answer of "Get over her."

 

 

Roto, I am so sorry for your pain, and the fact that this has been with you for a while.... I don't have the magic answer however I wish I did....

 

There are two paths to go down - you can pull out all stops, take no prisoners, declare your love, go to all lengths to try and win her back. This will take strength and it will be difficult, but it could work! On the other hand, it may not and you need to be able to accept this eventually.

 

You mention that you have been recommended to speak with her but don't know how... the only way I can see to do it, is by writing a letter or sending an email. Sure its a bit naff, and you don't have personal contact, but at least you can get your point across privately, succintly and she will have to listen to what you say! I personally have never been a letter writer, but I've had them sent to me by ex's (I still have them and read them) and I treasure them for the pure honestly and depth of feeling. I am now in the midst of composing my first ever pleading letter to my ex to win him back - that's karma! But at the moment we just fight so at least its a peaceful way of being honest and open.

 

And I agree - you don't just get over someone you love. The reality is that you may never get over them and I'm sorry but its the hard truth. We don't always get what we want in life (trust me I know!) and you may think that you will never wake up and not feel lonely and sad... but you will -eventually. I don't have a secret formula for this, although have read self help books, but only you can try to lessen the pure grief yourself. Only you can wake up and think, yep, I feel like s&%$ and I will do so tomorrow as well, but I'm only going to take this for so long....!

 

And you never know, she may date this chap for another 12 months, and she may come not... she may come back to you begging to try again... but the key is that YOU DON'T KNOW... love her, miss her, think of her, but don't let her get the better of you. A girl will fall in love with a prince - so make that your goal, be strong, be sincere, be noble and be brave. If nothing else, you may have another princess fall in love with you!

 

Best of luck.... let me know how you go.

[Roto]

Two posts already! Thank you for your input.

 

First, I would like to address LucreziaBorgia.

 

Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia

Do you have anyone you can talk to about this? Ever thought of telling this stuff to a counselor?

 

You will need to learn not to hold others responsible for the happiness you should be finding in yourself.

 

I don't think I need to point out the futility of your situation. You are obsessed with a woman who does not want you in her life. You can't force her to want you in hers. Anything you do to make this happen will result in you being served with a restraining order - or worse.

 

Even if it were possible, your behavior in this situation has pretty much negated any chance you would have ever had with her.

 

To answer the first question, yes, I do have people I can talk to, and I have.

 

Second, I suppose I must emphasize the inaccuracy of my superlative. I still engage in activities that I enjoy, and I am able to let my mind relieve itself of my situation for periods of time. Also, I am socially active and spend time with my friends, so it is not as though I have isolated myself. Thus, I must truthfully state that I have found a few ways to "cheer up." I don't specifically rely on her or anyone else to make me happy, though her affection was a wonderful catalyst.

 

To the third passage, I must remind you that the reason I have posted is because of the apparent futility of my situation. Also, I feel that you use the term "obsessed" just a little too lightly, and find it rather discouraging and derogatory. I have in no way attempted to force myself upon her nor do I desire to do so; I want to rekindle a flame, not start a forest fire.

 

However, to your comment regarding my behavior, I would like to ask for detail as to what you felt "negated any chance (I) would have ever had with her," as I find myself unsure of your meaning.

 

The rest of your post however, was almost verbatim to what has been shoved at me countless times prior, and though I respect your opinion and thank you for your advice, it was exactly what I asked not to post. I am not looking for ways to be shot down and retold the same thing, but rather advice that might improve my situation in the direction I would like to take.

 

Regarding miss-gonewest's post, I would first like to thank you for your second opinion on communicating my feelings via written correspondence; I think I will write to her as soon as possible. The rest of your post was informative and I will certainly take your advice into consideration. Also, I wish you luck on your letter; may your eloquence be substantial to realize your effort

[LucreziaBorgia]

Seriously... I don't know what to say. I can't offer you one single bit of advice to get her back, because:

 

The girl loves her boyfriend - one who was around before you were.

She has been with him almost a year now.

She has no desire to leave him.

She has cut off contact with you.

Your 'ignoring her' had a zero effect.

Her boyfriend is keeping you at a distance.

Her boyfriend is afraid of you - and by extension, he is probably afraid for his girlfriend as well.

 

How do you intend to rekindle a flame with a girl who has not only put the fire out, but washed away the dead ashes and forgotten about them?

 

Will she come back? Maybe, maybe not - but know this: when a girl is in love, any declarations of love from the ex she dumped are 100% unwelcome as long as she is in love with her current boyfriend. Should you continue declaring your love or trying to win her back while she is in love with this guy, you will fail.

 

I'm sorry, but as long as she is in love with her current boyfriend, and has no desire to leave him you have a zero chance. You'll just have to wait out their love for each other, and hope that she comes back for you one day.

[Weird]

Wait...she was with this guy before you and is back with him and you call him her rebound boyfriend? huh? Wouldn't you have been the rebound boyfriend? People are probbaly correct saying their relationship wont last but you know what? The odds of her and you staying together for a long time are low as well since both of you are young and as you said, she is going to college next year and will prolly want to get her hump on there.

 

As for thinking you cant live without her...son you are just a wee little lad...you have your whole life ahead of you. I know it is tough but you have to put things into perspective here.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia

Do you have anyone you can talk to about this? Ever thought of telling this stuff to a counselor? You really will want to consider that. You will be no good to yourself or anyone else until you can learn to know what it is like to not need someone so much. You will need to learn not to hold others responsible for the happiness you should be finding in yourself.

 

I don't think I need to point out the futility of your situation. You are obsessed with a woman who does not want you in her life. You can't force her to want you in hers. Anything you do to make this happen will result in you being served with a restraining order - or worse.

 

I can't offer any other advice, because there is literally none to give - you want something that isn't possible. Even if it were possible, your behavior in this situation has pretty much negated any chance you would have ever had with her.

 

I agree 100% with this post. I had to seek professional help and I think it will help you too.

[figgurinoutlife]

What you need to do is make yourself look as good as possible, work out, get a hot haiccut, get a tan, a good job and a hot looking girlfriend. Then accidentely run into her somewhere and watch her eyes pop out of her head. She will be like "look what I gave up, he's a new man!" While you are doing all this, make sure and do NC the whole time, no letters, nothing.

I think that is your best chance to get her back - I would wait a year before you accidentely run into her though.

 

Why is her boyfriend scared of you? Maybe he knows she still has feelings about you and is scared she will run back to you if they break up (which will most likely happen, since they've broken up lots before). Alot of times boyfriends can sense if their girl still has feelings for someone, I know I could. Good luck

[miss-gonewest]

Originally posted by Roto

Regarding miss-gonewest's post, I would first like to thank you for your second opinion on communicating my feelings via written correspondence; I think I will write to her as soon as possible. The rest of your post was informative and I will certainly take your advice into consideration. Also, I wish you luck on your letter; may your eloquence be substantial to realize your effort

 

Roto, I have some great info for you to read (it really empowered me when I read it last night). If you are keen, send me a PM and I can email it through.

 

And if you have any suggestions on what I myself can write in my own letter - all tips would be appreciated.

 

But please do post back here and let us know how you are travelling, I'd like to know how your situation works out. Take care

[Roto]

Well, miss-gonewest, I would PM you but it would appear that I do not have that ability... maybe I need to post more

 

I'll let you know how things go as time passes, but I was actually opportunistic enough to strike an AIM conversation with her today... My self-esteem appears to have improved drastically solely from being able to hold a conversation on my own It would also appear that she doesn't want me out of her life entirely, so I'm guessing its a good thing. She says that she'd like to talk about our past relationship as there are a myriad of unanswered questions on both sides, so I'm guessing that doing so might put me a bit more at ease (hopefully) as well, although there is something nagging me that's telling me that the answers may not be what I'm hoping for. She was rather surprised at my abrupt willingness to talk though (we haven't since December). *shrugs* Not sure about all this. If anyone has advice or anything on this, I'll listen even if it is cynical this time

 

Thanks in advance. I'm going with my family to the school's choir concert tomorrow, which she's in. One of my female friends recommended I get her flowers, as it doesn't have to mean anything at a concert, and is a nice gesture anyway. I'll look into that. And now, to cram for PreCalc finals. At 7:00 am PDT. That's what caffeine is for, though, right?

 

P.S. miss-gonewest: If I can think of anything that might help you out with your letter, I'll let you know... As soon as I can PM... ^_^;

[miss-gonewest]

Roto, I'm not entirely convinced about the flowers.... its a great idea in theory, but you may just make her uncomfortable, especially if her boyfriend is there.

 

You don't want to put her on the spot and my feeling is that she may read more into the gesture than you intend.

 

Maybe give her ONE flower ie. a single stem, but not say a big bunch...

 

Can you explain more about her surprise at talking with you? Have you not spoken to each other since December? My guess is that she is feeling more comfortable in that you may have forgiven her for cheating on you??

 

And if you do talk, yes the answers may not be what you want to hear, but at least its feedback.... I think?

 

Let us know how you go at the concert.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by Roto

I'll let you know how things go as time passes, but I was actually opportunistic enough to strike an AIM conversation with her today... My self-esteem appears to have improved drastically solely from being able to hold a conversation on my own It would also appear that she doesn't want me out of her life entirely, so I'm guessing its a good thing. She says that she'd like to talk about our past relationship as there are a myriad of unanswered questions on both sides, so I'm guessing that doing so might put me a bit more at ease (hopefully) as well, although there is something nagging me that's telling me that the answers may not be what I'm hoping for. She was rather surprised at my abrupt willingness to talk though (we haven't since December). *shrugs* Not sure about all this. If anyone has advice or anything on this, I'll listen even if it is cynical this time

 

Thanks in advance. I'm going with my family to the school's choir concert tomorrow, which she's in. One of my female friends recommended I get her flowers, as it doesn't have to mean anything at a concert, and is a nice gesture anyway. I'll look into that. And now, to cram for PreCalc finals. At 7:00 am PDT. That's what caffeine is for, though, right?

 

P.S. miss-gonewest: If I can think of anything that might help you out with your letter, I'll let you know... As soon as I can PM... ^_^;

 

Can I chime in here?

 

If you get another meeting with her, realize that she will test your resolve. She will want to see if you've really changed.

 

Do not EVER let her walk on you. If you feel she is disrespecting you that will be her little "test." Being that you've had one shot already, she will be quick to dismiss you if you fail again. So you must be constantly on your toes and never let her walk on you. I don't mean be RUDE or MEAN to her, but recognize the test when it comes and don't fail it.

 

Recommended reading for guys trying to get back with their g/f:

 

"No More Mr. Nice Guy" - Robert A. Glover

"Being a Man in a Woman's World" - Dennis W. Neder

[moon]

Roto,

 

It sounds like your ex is stuck in a cycle of another relationship---which doesn't sound particularly happy.

 

The only thing you can really do is empathize. Imagine how you felt last summer. Imagine how great you felt, how nothing could stop you from feeling this all day long. Well, unfortunately there is a girl out there who stole your heart, who might be experiencing this very thing with somebody else. She's in a bubble. She doesn't realize she's treating you bad. She's experiencing those ups and down with some other dude.

 

I totally know how hurtful it is to be left for somebody else. But at least you know. I swear to God I would pay money at this point to know if the girl my ex insinuated he might hook up with after me.......is really his girl friend now. I would pay cash for somebody who could very descreatly find out if he did in fact fall head over heals in love with this girl or if it was just another crash and burn relationship and he's moved to Timbuktu by now.

 

At least you're getting that very needed closure at the end of the game.

 

But at this point you have to do all you can in your power to fall out of love with this girl. Because that's the pain and agony, when you're still feeling those obsessive "in love" feelings, months later. As a mantra you've got to say to yourself, if it's meant to be for us, she'll come back and in the mean time I've got to stop wearing out my brain thinking about it. That's the best you can do. That's the BEST you can do. Anything else is just less than good. I've totally been there. You feel like the big loser in love. But keep looking for the silver lining. Make sure you keep your spirits up and keep believing in yourself or (big secret here) you'll find yourself in another relationship like this. You've got to get your head together and march on and keep your self esteem strong. This girl could eat at your very soul if you let her. Blame fate......blame the devil, but don't blame yourself anymore. If you keep drilling into your head that you weren't enough for this woman, you'll really bring yourself down deep. Try to practice some positive thinking.

 

You know I also think the NC thing is great, but it's also got to be mental. I think people can pick up vibes. Even though you aren't contacting them, they may still be able to feel your saddness. You know they always say when you get over a person, that's when they show up again. Even though you could have gone months and months with out speaking to them........as if by psychic phenomenon, the day they ACTUALLY want you again is when you've forgotten they are alive.

 

Good luck.

[Roto]

Thanks for your input miss-gonewest. As it would turn out, the local flower shops were all empty so I couldn't get any in time, but I would have felt really awkward trying to give her the flowers anyway, so I guess it isn't all bad. Her boyfriend is in the men's choir so he was there tonight too... but it wasn't too bad.

 

The concert was exceptional, and she looked beautiful as ever. Surprisingly, she stopped and talked to me briefly, in which I told her that the concert was great and that I had been there for all of it.

 

As far as describing her surprise, its hard for me to explain, really. If we can set up email correspondence I might talk more about that there. She came on AIM after the concert though, and again, surprisingly, started the conversation.

 

I'm talking to her now, actually, so I better get back to AIM. But thanks for your advice so far, everyone ^_^

[Roto]

I... got off of AIM at just about 1:00am PDT... We had a normal conversation together for a while, then we began talking about the unanswered questions as mentioned in an earlier post.

 

She told me what I'll have to believe is why she broke up with me. She said it is because, and I'll paraphrase here, that he was the only guy who she didn't date from her group of friends. He liked her "a lot" but she felt he was there for her when she "made mistake after mistake." She felt he never asked for more than friendship, and that if he was in fact jealous, it never showed.

 

There was more said that crushed my insides like a relentless grindstone on that question. However, that really doesn't add up. Only one she didn't date? Never asked for more than friendship? Never showed jealousy? Good lord! Its exactly the opposite; she went out with him after every bf she discarded, and he obviously wanted, asked, and received more than friendship. And still does. As far as jealousy, he was blatant with it, especially when I was with her to notice it.

 

She also told me afterward that I had been obsessive, and she felt scared and trapped by the fact that I told her I loved her two weeks after we were together, and that a later time I told her that I'd likely die if I lost her. This, however, I can understand; being told someone loves you is a frightening thing to experience, and hard to believe, although true, when issued so quickly. Also, my comment was made with good intention, not to make her feel uncomfortable, but again, things back-fired.

 

Lastly, she remarked that I didn't respond to her one email sent to me during my decided NC phase. I told her that I didn't know what to make of it at the time, so I didn't. She then told me that it was only asking me how I was doing, and I asked, rather hastily, what I was supposed to say, and offered "I'm doing fine, thanks for asking," then said that If that were the case, then that would have been my answer; sorry for not replying.

 

She then promptly logged off. And I'm not going to be able to sleep until I pass out from sheer deprivation. I feel helpless and completely destroyed, especially from her grossly inaccurate account of why she went to him. The only thing that was good about the latter part of the conversation was that she mentioned that she had cared for me.

 

I don't want to let her just walk off into the impassable mists of time, especially because of this guy. I am well aware that I am worth her, and have been told by both people I barely know and those I have known for years that she doesn't deserve me. I can honestly say though, that this guy does not deserve her. I know now that things seem to be almost completely futile; I can see through the fog of my false hope and idealism. I wish there was some way to show her that I can change for the better, and show her that he can never give her what I already can. I don't mean to sound pathetic, but I really am lost now; I haven't even a shred of a clue how to proceed. Please, someone, anyone, help me... I don't want things to have to be this way; I know that I can satisfy her needs and we can both be happy if only I could get the opportunity to try.

[miss-gonewest]

Roto, can you see if you have enabled your profile to be able to do the PM thing? It may be easier than responding in depth here...

 

She said it is because, and I'll paraphrase here, that he was the only guy who she didn't date from her group of friends. He liked her "a lot" but she felt he was there for her when she "made mistake after mistake." She felt he never asked for more than friendship, and that if he was in fact jealous, it never showed.

 

I don't really understand this bit... I don't know if I'm not getting it because its hometime on a Friday, or that its such a bizarre excuse...?

 

I can understand the rest - feeling trapped, and your non response to her email, but its still a really baffling scenario.

 

She does sound like she is pretty definite on her feelings though, I'm sorry to say. She does sound like this guy is the one she wants to be with, and I know it hurts, but I just think she is viewing you as a friend now.

 

One thing is for sure, sitting and obsessing will not help you think clearly. There is NOTHING you can do this minute or this day, so you are going to have to calm yourself down and try and get some rest.

 

You know that after some sleep you will be able to see things more clearly tomorrow, so try and relax (easier said than done I know).

 

You also must realise that you are fretting partly because you are hurt at not getting your own way... you are realising that what you have dreamt about may not come to fruition and its really tough. But at the moment, its all you got, so don't make yourself worse.

 

Seriously try figure out the PM thing or get me an email address & I will send you some literature to read through... it really will help.

[pippen_2k]

Your in a crappy situation man, but theres nothing you can do now....

 

Dont try to contact her anymore, and dont look too deep into what she tells you.... believing things like "I miss you" and "I still care about you" will only f*** you up and lead you into mental torture.

 

All us guys have heard this BS before... and it does you no good.

 

Take care of urself, and I say again TRY to avoid talking to her.. even over the net on messanger, cause she will say things that will leave you with a glimmer of hope and what good will that do you?

 

Its over mang, so get busy livin!

[TSER]

You have to look at the fact that you are still young. While high-school seems like the whole world right now, trust me; when you leave high school you find out just how small of a part of life ot really is. I don't mean that it doesn't matter. It obviously shapes the people we become afterwards. When you get older there are so many other things involved in love and relationships. Living together with a girl can be a rewarding experience or a nightmare, or both. Money, careers, goals for the future, dating history..all these things come into play. I know it hurts to lose a girl you loved. I know it hurts even more to see them with another guy. It adds self-doubt and insecurities to the sadness, am I right?

Here are your best options:

Don't push, but don't act like you don't care.-giver her space, let her find out that she misses you or that this new guy is wrong for her. Dont be needy because girls need support from a man, they don't want to have to take care of a grown man. If she talks to you or anything, keep it casual, and friendly.

If you know her well, you will know how to act and talk so that she doesn't feel pressured, guilty, sorry for you or that you are angry with her.

 

After you wait a while make an attempt at contact, and let her know you want to be friends and that there is no hard feelings. If she says okay, then you have still managed to keep her from dissappearing forever right?

If you can provide her with an ear to talk to when she needs it. (the right kind of ear, one that understands and helps) That ear may eventually become a shoulder for her to cry on. If you can be there for her when SHE needs it, and no other time, without bringing up your problems (how much u miss her etc.) she will learn to want you around more and more. If she ever had love for you, it may return. If she didn't, then it may take longer to create it. Be patient and try to focus on being succesfull at your own life. Girls like this. They don't like clingy guys who ignore everything about their own lives for them.

[pippen_2k]

That sounds all good and well TSER, but that will take a long long time to get to that stage.

 

The mental anguish of hoping she will return by playin it cool will cause nothing but stress. And who says she will come back anyway... 90% chance she wont...

 

Im not a big believer in trying to win them back by playing it cool... its ok if you can block your feelings and emotions towards her, but the majority of us could'nt..

 

Its just really gonna stop any chance of him moving forward.... If he cuts the ties he will save him self months of pain and stress.. if he keeps hangin around and being there for her..all I can say is OUCH!

 

I aint heard a good story in here in ages of someone winning their love back.. not ONE!

[niceguy69]

Dude slap yourself in the face and tell yourself that it's over! Trying to think of strategies to get her back just keeps the demons alive in your soul. Meeting new girls is tough because it's like you're breaking your instinct to be faithful, just force yourself to talk to new girls. Admit that you F***ed up the relationship and made her leave, and don't make the same mistakes with other girls! Girls only give you a few chances to change, and if you don't change how they want they leave for GOOD.

 

And keep thinking of Tennyson's quote all day long haha....

"Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

- Alfred, Lord Tennyson

[scarlyjones]

Originally posted by Roto

A vast majority of my friends and my family have told me countless times to just let her go, but I can't; I love her too much, and can't stand living without her.

 

 

Whoa,..........you need to read what you posted again. Look at this. This is NOT healthy grieving. This is obsession. It IS true that time heals all wounds,..but, honey,.....you havent GIVEN yourself that time. You need to cut her out of your life. HER. That includes her physically,.....asking friends about her,...thoughts of her,.....going to old fav restaurants you two used to frequent,....stop it!!. You mentioned in your post what shes been up to,....how many guys shes been through,...the status of her current relationship......how is it that you even KNOW this stuff? You are keeping tabs on her. You havent even TRIED getting over her. Do you really think you "cant live without her"? What does that even mean? Will your heart stop beating and lungs stop taking in air if you dont have a relationship with THIS particular girl? Or does it mean that you are being such a p*ssy about this girl that you just dont WANT to TRY to live without her? Honey,....its time to "cowboy up"

[DaChefBen]

ROTO,

 

Ok, I've read through the posts, and here's what I've gathered, tell me if I'm on point, now...

 

You dated her for a couple months over the summer,

You're a Junior in High School

It's been almost a year now....

you dropped the L-bomb 2 weeks into the "relationship"

you dropped the "I'd die without you" nuke shortly thereafter.

you're trying to think of ways to win her back.

she's bounced on and off this other guy for the last two years.

 

 

Ok, here's my guess,

 

This is your first Love...

you're not sure how to deal with the rejection so you're avoiding it.

she's trying to be nice to you because she doesn't like to see you hurting.

 

Here's what's happening.

 

You have become and ego trip for her. You're making her feel special, because she knows that someone out there has the hots for her. You've turned into Pinocchio with the strings.

 

Females have the ability to "be friends" after a relationship whereas most men don't.

 

You're deflecting accountability and responsibility for freakin' her out and jumpin' in head first before you ever filled the pool with any water... much less checked.

 

You have Firstius Lovitius. The only cure is time. It is a painful affliction, but not deadly, and it does go away in time.

 

You aren't able to find anyone else right now, because you're not psychologically ready for it yet... I'd venture a guess that you brought "her" up at least once in all of your other dates.

 

Ask yourself, would you want a second date with someone who talked about some other guy the whole time? You'd want them to talk about you, and listen to things about you.

 

You're probably comparing everyone else to her, as well. That's not cool. Each individual has something special to offer, that's what you've got to look for.

 

You said it yourself, she keeps going back to this same guy... Open your eyes to the fact that you were just one of many detours and speedbumps.

 

Don't take her kindness for re-initiating the relationship. As men, we might want to believe that we can handle talking about what went wrong with the relationship on a purely platonic level, but what we really want to do is figure out how to get back into their pants.... women have the ability to say, "Hey, heck yeah, I'd love to talk about what went wrong.." and mean just that, that they want to talk about what went wrong.

 

I'm not just pullin' this out of my ass, buddy... you're floating around in the same water that billions of men have found themselves in. It's one of the first ways we experience rejection of any form, one of the first times that it's plainly shown that this world is not just about us, on of the most basest smacks to the face of our egos. "what do you mean this girl don't want me?"

 

My Suggestion.

 

Instead of working on getting her back... You need to learn from this in order to be able to move forward and be better prepared for the next one, and the next one.

 

Do an inventory.

What made you dive in so fast... not just "oh man, she's so pretty...

Go Introspective.

Think about what she said about you... not what she said about the other guy... keep it centered on you.

 

For example, "Hey, Johnny. will you close the door?"

 

"Sure, Ma."

Later

"Johnny, did you close the door?"

 

"No, Ma."

 

"Why not, Johnny?"

 

"Well, Bill didn't vacuum."

 

What in the hell does anything really have to do with Bill?

 

Bill doesn't matter.

It's all about you.

You are going to learn that you have no control over anything in this world but yourself.

You won't be able to do some Vulcan mindmeld to win her over. You've got to put it all on you; not what you can do for her, not what you can do to look better than him. Only by doing it all for you will you ever be happy. If you feel that you can't be happy without someone, then you need to go see a therapist and let them help you dive down deep enough to figure out where your lack of self-confidence is coming from; whether you wet your pants in front of everyone in kindergarten or wet the bed, or got caught screwin' a goat on railroad tracks.. whatever it is...

 

Oh yeah...

 

one last thing...

 

It'll happen again.

 

and one other last thing...

 

We're never gonna make it out of here alive, so you better live it up while you're here.

[Roto]

This past Monday, June 13, she contacted me once more over AIM. She blatantly told me that she wanted to be sure not to deceive me with her sudden willingness to talk, and desiring closure, she assured me that she didn't like me anymore; not even as a friend. She also wanted to assure me that I have no chance of getting back with her. Additionally, she asked me about the situation that made her fcsking pansy-arse of a boyfriend so paranoid in the first place, and when I promised her for probably the hundredth time that I had nothing to do with the occurrences (my sn was hacked into and threats were sent to a mutual friend, who misinterpreted them as me and sent them to her boyfriend before consulting me on the matter), she replied that she still thought I was lying. Finally, a few harsh words were given to me (about that, mainly) and I replied the best I could with an indifferent bravado, then she blocked me.

 

Now I'm really lost... I truly have no idea what to do. I've been in a constant emotional blender since the initial shock on Monday, and now I have finally been able to sum up the motivation to actually post. Two things have happened to me, really. First, I have pretty much lost any motivation to do anything, and second, I don't feel any sense of purpose. Its hard to do anything when those two combine to toss excess weight onto my already battered spirit. I still miss her dreadfully, but I'm also annoyed because I know that I, although with plenty of faults myself, am better than her boyfriend could ever hope to become. What is even more painful to know is that if she continues her current trend, she will either make the mistake of staying with him, and live in a sub-standard setting that will lead to numerous problems, or break up with him and continue to try to seduce others to no avail. She isn't stunningly beautiful, and if you can believe it, I was initially attracted to her personality, which has become disfigured and decayed over the past year. I want the best for her, but unfortunately, she won't accept it.

 

Almost everyone I have talked to, including adults and professionals, has agreed with me that they aren't in a loving relationship, but rather a mutual obsession. Her boyfriend, who is already a very bizarre and crude person has not suffered from the lasting effects of such a relationship, but my ex has been heavily hurt by it. She began to shun all of her friends, including her best friend, whom she had known for many years and been very close to. She also began to be overprotective of him even in circumstances when all the evidence would point away from his side, such as the aforementioned incident. I won't list everything, but its terrible to know.

 

I have avoided any contact with her since the conversation, even going out of my way (which is becoming increasingly easier as the seniors are allowed to skip more periods each day; the final day for them being tomorrow) to not so much as see her. I know that at this point I probably have no chance (yes, I know she said I have none), and I'm trying to be more social with friends and keep my mind open to other possible relationships. However, I hope that someday she might realize her follies and look for me, although I'm not holding my breath. She seems to toss logic to the wind at every opportunity; for example, she wants to be an English major and fancies herself a poet, though her spelling and grammar are terrible and her vocabulary leaves something to be desired.

 

miss-gonewest, I've given up on the whole PM system, it seems to not want to work, even still. Here's an email that I created with the sole purpose of receiving information from this board: elcoroto (at) gmail.com. If you feel that the writing will still be of use to me or would like to continue our conversations more privately, please feel free to do so with this address.

 

To the rest of the posters since I last posted: some of you don't seem to understand the situation, though I admire your effort and will still take your advice into consideration. Additionally, she isn't my "first" love, as I have loved others before her, but she is the first to make me feel anywhere near the extent I do about her. Until you began guessing, DaChefBen, you were right on the mark. I have heard a lot of what you have said, especially the ego-trip thing. Somehow, considering that she seems to greatly dislike me, I doubt I'm giving her an ego-boost, but rather acting as a mere hindrance in her ever-enduring quest to sacrifice more of her values to be with him. Additionally, I never said my motive was to "get in her pants". That isn't something that drives me like 99% of the male population. Also, on several of my dates I have never mentioned so much as I knew my ex, and they still turned out the way they did. Finally, I have sought professional advisory, and thus far it seems to be yielding nothing. I never had any of those experiences (or anything similar to them) that you listed, and therefore that doesn't really apply.

 

I would also like to mention, scarlyjones, that your post was not helpful, but rather demeaning. I am and have been trying, in part, to cut her out of my life; my conversation with her on AIM was a mistake in my mind. I don't ask friends about her, I find it all but impossible to not think about her, and as far as "keeping tabs on her," I have a good memory and she occasionally will be mentioned by mutual friends (or rather the ones she ignores but still loiters with) in casual conversation. I HAVE tried to get over her, you can't deny me of that. I have been able to survive living without her thus far, so I can live without her, physically. Also, I'm not being a "p*ssy," it takes a great deal of effort for me to make every decision I make to avoid her as much as possible and go through what I have and continue to endure. Also, if you'd stop being condescending, you'd realize that while I hope for change, I am trying to "Cowboy up."

 

Thanks once more for your input, and I hope to hear from some of you again.

[miss-gonewest]

Roto, good to hear from you... I had been wondering how your situation was going and what the latest was.

 

It sounds like you've had a pretty tough week and done some serious thinking; you must be exhausted!

 

Firstly, I'll contact you offline later on but for now, I don't want to offend you but I think you need to switch off your thinking - you have gone way too deep here and I worry for you.

 

It seems that you have are looking too closely at her current relationship, when really it shouldn't be your concern.

 

I know its nature to compare, and with men that its an ego thing, but you can't take the fact that she has changed and lost her friends and become a different person since dating this guy, on board. Worrying about those things will not change the situation.

 

Instead you need to down tools and move away from this chick, just for a while.

 

I know you have a thousand questions, but in the immediate future, you really need to work out if you want to try and fight for a friendship with this girl, or not.

 

At this stage, I'd say trying to get her back as your gf isn't a good option to try and pursue (but you know this already).

 

Your third option is to just walk away. I know its not what you want, but I really think at this stage of the game, its your best option. And that's not to say that there isn't going to be something in your future together (friends, lovers or partners), but at the moment there is such a large sea of emotion between the two of you, that if you try and cross it, you will just drown.

 

Besides, if she has changed as much as you think she has - do you really want to go back to her? If she isn't the same person, the dynamics of your past and your future relationships will never be the same.... and that's gonna suck too!

 

Sorry I can't elaborate more but I'm at work & wishing it was hometime! Its been a long week!