Why do breakups have to be difficult & final? Surely there are some happy stories?

[miss-gonewest]

I'd like some insight on the whole breaking up & being aloof thing...

 

I was broken up with on the weekend, and so today I went searching for advice and in the process got sucked in to buying an e-book on Winning Back your Ex. It was basically $50 of stuff repeated over and over again, and the message was that I need to move on, realise he ain't the centre of my universe, and if I do it properly, he will see how well I am doing and want me back.

 

What I want to know is, what if we both still love each other? No one is perfect, people will argue, and things sometimes turn sour, but why isn't there any advice telling you to stand up for what you believe in?

 

Not every relationship needs to end badly, and while I agree that giving someone space, not smothering them and not clinging is great advice - why isn't there advice telling people to contact their ex's, apologise and try for a reconciliation?

 

There must be some stories out there of people getting back together, or at least trying to remain friends... does anyone have some happy news for me???

[HokeyReligions]

I'm sure there is advice to call and stories about getting back together, but every relationship is different and what works for one won't necessarily work for another.

 

Contrary to popular fantasy; love does not conquer all. Holding on to someone who has let go of you is not going to help. Moving on will.

 

My husband and I broke up several times (before and after marriage) and we just celebrated another anniversary together. Over 20 years. It takes BOTH partners working hard to understand their differences, their priorities, their dreams, their goals, and then deciding if those things mesh together, and accepting that if they do not then love isn't enough to have a happy relationship. If only one partner is willing to do that then it's no use. A one-sided relationship ends up being miserable for both.

[bngo16]

1. "What I want to know is, what if we both still love each other? No one is perfect, people will argue, and things sometimes turn sour, but why isn't there any advice telling you to stand up for what you believe in?"

 

Here's what I think. It's each person's right in the relationship to stand up for what they believe in. The other person in the relationship will just have to accept and respect that part of their lover. It's true that no one is perfect, but if two people in a relationship come to an understanding and keep communication open, then both people will come to a more trusting state.

 

2. "Not every relationship needs to end badly, and while I agree that giving someone space, not smothering them and not clinging is great advice - why isn't there advice telling people to contact their ex's, apologise and try for a reconciliation?"

 

I agree with you on this one. I mean it's important to give their ex's space, but also reconciliation and apologizing seems more conciderate. When breaking up, the one that does initiates it (breaker) and the one that's being broken up with (breakee), there should be a clean break up with proper closure. What's proper closure? I usually interrept it as the breaker being honest with the breakee.

 

3. "There must be some stories out there of people getting back together, or at least trying to remain friends... does anyone have some happy news for me???"

 

I've been on both sides of the spectrum, I've been dumped and I've broken up with someone before, so I'll give you both stories.

 

When I was dumped:

I met a girl a while back. She was amazing, smart, cute, understanding and generous. I fell head over heals for her and soon after that I got the chance to get to know her better since her best friend happened to be a good friend of mine and we hung out a lot. Then on the birthday, I ended up taking her out on a date and when perfect. She enjoyed the movie, it rained, we had dinner and eventually a few days after that, we hooked up. Well, just to make a long story short, we had a good two months relationship and at times there were arguements, but we always talked it over. However, one day, she just told she didn't want to be in this relationship anymore and that was the end of it. I was really heartbroken and I couldn't believe that it ended on a note like that. I found out three weeks later that she was going out with my best friend and soon after that I stopped contacting the both of them. Well, what eventualy happened was she started to contact me again a few months later and apologized for leaving me the way she did and I forgave her. My best friend and her broke up (he left her for another girl) a bit earlier then that time when she contacted me. Ever since then, we talk to each other from time to time and even hang out when we can. There's a lot of detail of how dramatic this can be, but overall, when we both learned to be honest with each other and to keep communication open, we were able to maintain a friendship.

 

When I had to break up with another girl:

There's this girl that lives next door to me and we rarely talked to each other. However, it turned out she was in my calculuc class (I'm in college just to let you know) and we got to know we other a bit better from there and help each other in calculus. Then one day, after going out clubbing with her and my friends, she eventually told me she liked me and so our relationship started from there. However, because of our busy school schedule, even though she lived next door, I would barely see her except that meal times. The thing is, as time when by I realized that she wasn't the person I thought she was. She wasn't my type of girl, but I tried to keep the relationship going to see if my feelings were wrong. It was a mistake to do so since I would be lying to her and myself. Anyways, as this feeling went on, I started to detach myself from the relationship and soon after two months, I broke up with her. I didn't give proper closure and that was a mistake on my part too. Because soon afterwards she got the idea that I left her for another girl, which I didn't and started to get upset about this. She told my friends how much it hurt her to know this fact (I was kind of mad at her, but at the same time understanding of why she didn't come to me for the truth). Eventually, we started to talk again and she told me how she felt and I told her how I felt and along with that I told her the truth of why I broke up with her (which was bascially, I'm not in love with you) and we decided that it was best to just leave it at friendship.

 

I'm sorry if my stories and advice seem unclear. It's kind of the first time I've given advice on a matter like this. I hope it helped.

[Pocky]

Originally posted by miss-gonewest

What I want to know is, what if we both still love each other? No one is perfect, people will argue, and things sometimes turn sour, but why isn't there any advice telling you to stand up for what you believe in?

 

There is.

 

Not every relationship needs to end badly, and while I agree that giving someone space, not smothering them and not clinging is great advice - why isn't there advice telling people to contact their ex's, apologise and try for a reconciliation?

 

There is.

 

There must be some stories out there of people getting back together, or at least trying to remain friends... does anyone have some happy news for me???

 

Sure - I'm still friends with my first long-term boyfriend - relationship lasted five years and it's been about ten years since we broke up. My husband and I separated for a few months and now our relationship is absolutely wonderfu.

 

There is this advice out there - I've given it.

[lindya]

There must be some stories out there of people getting back together, or at least trying to remain friends... does anyone have some happy news for me???

 

I think the happiest stories usually involve people recovering from their exes, learning a few new things about themselves and going on to meet someone who is a better all-round match for them.

 

Plus, with someone new you get to have all the initial buzz of the first 6 months all over again. Re-uniting with an ex can't really replicate that buzz; too much baggage for both of you.