Otter2569 Posted January 24, 2016 Posted January 24, 2016 Whats an effective way to say to someone that you want to date but not get into anything serious? I just got out of a relationship and the last thing I want to do is to jump into another. There are a few women that I am flirting / chatting with but I want to take time for me and keep things fun and light. I dont want to be trapped into anything at the same time telling them you just want to have fun with them can make you sound like a douche.
Popsicle Posted January 24, 2016 Posted January 24, 2016 I kind of don't think there is a way... That said, I have heard that there are a bunch of women in the divorcee dating group that are looking for the same thing.
Author Otter2569 Posted January 24, 2016 Author Posted January 24, 2016 These are middle aged, divorced women so I would hope they are mature enough to understand. They are asking me out for drinks, over for dinner etc. I just want to be clear in case the conversation ever comes up or they start to look for more.
Popsicle Posted January 24, 2016 Posted January 24, 2016 These are middle aged, divorced women so I would hope they are mature enough to understand. They are asking me out for drinks, over for dinner etc. I just want to be clear in case the conversation ever comes up or they start to look for more. Well, I think it is safer to mention it as soon as possible. As to not surprise anyone. I know I'd want someone to tell me so that I could make my own decisions. 5
Popsicle Posted January 24, 2016 Posted January 24, 2016 And yes, just keep saying you want to date but not looking for anything serious. How about saying you just want to hang out? Would that work?
Author Otter2569 Posted January 24, 2016 Author Posted January 24, 2016 Honesty is always the best policy. Im sure that at this stage they know what "nothing serious means" 1
RedRobin Posted January 24, 2016 Posted January 24, 2016 Don't tell them you want to date. You aren't dating... As most people reserve 'dating' for looking for a relationship. Tell them you are looking for companionship, and don't have any intentions of getting serious. Don't assume that someone who is divorced will be automatically DTF... Don't assume that someone close to your own age is ok with casual. those things have nothing to do with age or their status. If you want something casual, do your best to avoid women who claim they are looking for a relationship with someone. It's not that hard. It will shrink your pool somewhat, but you will have a lot less drama in your life. You don't need to be a jerk and start emailing penis pics and suggesting sex on the first date either. 7
Popsicle Posted January 24, 2016 Posted January 24, 2016 If you want something casual, do your best to avoid women who claim they are looking for a relationship with someone. It's not that hard. Yes, this is important. 2
candie13 Posted January 24, 2016 Posted January 24, 2016 Well... give low to moderate interest signs and take your time to date women. Low to moderate signs of interest include: - not making daily contact - not calling - not seeing one woman more than once or twice a week - keeping the communication short, a bit inconsistent and concise between dates - not promising anyone exclusivity - not sharing personal information - slipping hints about how relationships are a drag - keeping the communication impersonal, light and fun - after establishing a certain pace of the RS and having some great fun date, you can have "the talk" and tell them you don't seek anything heavy and serious - after date 3 or 4. 1
Author Otter2569 Posted January 24, 2016 Author Posted January 24, 2016 LOL I'm not one to email penis pics or jump right to sex in my conversations so that shouldnt be a problem...I hope
Author Otter2569 Posted January 24, 2016 Author Posted January 24, 2016 Thanks Candie, that's pretty much what I have been doing. Good to know that I am on the right path
candie13 Posted January 24, 2016 Posted January 24, 2016 Otter, if you don't want something serious, it is fair enough to you. It doesn't make you a bad person. And you don't have to use deceit women who want a RS to convince them of the contrary. it's like in a negotiation, we parade our best traits and hope to engage the other party in a discussion, provided that there is interest. Plus, women have intuition too. I dunno, engaging in a respectful way, in an interaction, when seeing new people is the proper way of going ahead with this. I think men who send dick picks are dicks themselves. You can have a FWB and not treat them like they are scum. 3
mrldii Posted January 24, 2016 Posted January 24, 2016 In addition to the great advice already given, I'd simply add: walk the walk. If you say you don't want a relationship, then don't act like you do; continue to multi-date, don't spend too much exclusive time on just one, if you're going to introduce sex into your relating (NOT 'relationship') with a woman, make sure she doesn't place a different significance on the act, and so on. When and if you do meet one who changes your mind, be as upfront and candid about your reconsideration as soon as possible. Best of luck to you, OP...personally, I see nothing wrong with people dating around with no intentions of getting *serious* as long as they're upfront and honest about it and then stick to their guns. 5
Author Otter2569 Posted January 24, 2016 Author Posted January 24, 2016 More awesome advise! You know things are going to change if or when sex comes into the mix so i'm bracing myself for this. All of these women have kids that are out of the house and have more "free time" than I do. I still have children at home for a few more years. Luckily i can buffer between family time and dating time.
mrldii Posted January 24, 2016 Posted January 24, 2016 Oh, and one more thing, OP: you're going to need to be hypervigilant about women who claim to also not want a relationship, but in all reality want nothing else but a relationship. There are some women (and men) who think they're going to the ones to *fix* a 'commitment-phobic' person... ...never realizing there's nothing broken to begin with. No matter how good the relating and/or sex is, you're going to have to let them go at the first sign that they're actually very interested in tying you down. Best of luck to you! 4
Author Otter2569 Posted January 24, 2016 Author Posted January 24, 2016 My last relationship became very controlling, untrusting and was an emotional roller coaster. ANY sign of that and I am GONE!!! I need time to be me and that is all there is to it. If I cant do it with someone I am perfectly fine having time to myself. 1
mrldii Posted January 24, 2016 Posted January 24, 2016 My last relationship became very controlling, untrusting and was an emotional roller coaster. ANY sign of that and I am GONE!!! I need time to be me and that is all there is to it. If I cant do it with someone I am perfectly fine having time to myself. I agree wholeheartedly, OP. In any relationship (good or bad, ongoing or now-defunct) there is a melding of two people; once that relationship is over, it's important to take some time alone - and then with others - getting back to center, getting our bearings straight again, and figuring out who we, alone, truly now are. The experiences from that last relationship have shaped us into someone we were not, before that experience occurred. You'll do fine; like I said, just be honest AND stick to your guns.
jen1447 Posted January 24, 2016 Posted January 24, 2016 Being kinda familiar w/your previous situ Otter, I'd suggest taking some time off altogether. You need a break. Otherwise in a very general sense you just need to own what your situation in as far as dating goes. Meaning don't worry so much about saying things in a way that won't be offensive, just say them and let the chips fall where they may. Saying you don't want anything serious to a woman who wants sth serious is actually a good thing bc now you know you're not a good fit. So the truth helps both of you. You don't want to murk it up by making it sound 'nice,' just put it out there and let it work for you. 4
RedRobin Posted January 24, 2016 Posted January 24, 2016 Well... give low to moderate interest signs and take your time to date women. Low to moderate signs of interest include: - not making daily contact - not calling - not seeing one woman more than once or twice a week - keeping the communication short, a bit inconsistent and concise between dates - not promising anyone exclusivity - not sharing personal information - slipping hints about how relationships are a drag - keeping the communication impersonal, light and fun - after establishing a certain pace of the RS and having some great fun date, you can have "the talk" and tell them you don't seek anything heavy and serious - after date 3 or 4. This sounds like playing games. No one should be obliged to read between the lines. I think waiting until date 3 or 4 is way too long to wait to tell someone you aren't looking for something serious. Going on a 'date'... Any date... Leaves the impression of wanting something more. Bait and switch, is what that is. Why not just be upfront from day one instead of being cagey? In addition to the great advice already given, I'd simply add: walk the walk. If you say you don't want a relationship, then don't act like you do; continue to multi-date, don't spend too much exclusive time on just one, if you're going to introduce sex into your relating (NOT 'relationship') with a woman, make sure she doesn't place a different significance on the act, and so on. When and if you do meet one who changes your mind, be as upfront and candid about your reconsideration as soon as possible. Best of luck to you, OP...personally, I see nothing wrong with people dating around with no intentions of getting *serious* as long as they're upfront and honest about it and then stick to their guns. I agree with walking the walk. As far as changing his mind... I wouldn't recommend that. How is that walking the walk? It's not. If he's going to be 'sticking to his guns' as you say, then he doesn't get the luxury of changing his mind later. Just like he's not giving that option to the woman... Riiiiight? Both of these suggestions sound manipulative. Not upfront at all. He reserves the right to be cagey until date number whatever... And change his mind... But if the woman wants more, she's out. That's what I am reading here. Hard to believe two women are suggesting this... OP, It's not that hard to say on date one that aren't looking for anything serious, then stick to it. Period. All of this other mumbo jumbo is going to put you right back where you were with the women who came before, especially once sex happens. This other advice is vague and washy washy. Sounds like drama to me. 1
xxoo Posted January 24, 2016 Posted January 24, 2016 Isn't this what Tinder is for??? Just don't see the same woman on a regular basis. If you do: you're in a relationship. Basically, act single. 6
mrldii Posted January 24, 2016 Posted January 24, 2016 @ RedRobin: Nahhhh...my post reflected my opinion, which is that people can, do, and should grow and change all the time; nothing in our lives is etched in stone forever. I am steadfast and unwaivering in my belief that as we grow and change, we owe to others with whom we're spending time to be honest about what's going on within us. You are of a different opinion, which is once someone has said they're not interested in being in a committed relationship, they should start adopting cats. I'm OK with agreeing to disagree on this one.
candie13 Posted January 24, 2016 Posted January 24, 2016 (edited) This sounds like playing games. No one should be obliged to read between the lines. I think waiting until date 3 or 4 is way too long to wait to tell someone you aren't looking for something serious. Going on a 'date'... Any date... Leaves the impression of wanting something more. Bait and switch, is what that is. Why not just be upfront from day one instead of being cagey? Dating means getting to know eachother,no written contract promising a RS or marriage. OP does not owe transparency to no one. In 3-4 dates he merely assesses if HE likes his dates - grown arse women, not teen-agers. No one ever tells "i want a RS" or "i don't want a RS" The first few dates. How about getting to know The other person first ?!? Like... The OP may see a chick who totally doesn't want a RS but there's no chemistry.... I'd be soooo turned off if a guy immédiately told me if he wants or doesn't want a RS, because he wouldn't know ME. I'd feel like a placeholder. Edited January 24, 2016 by candie13 1
RedRobin Posted January 24, 2016 Posted January 24, 2016 @ RedRobin: Nahhhh...my post reflected my opinion, which is that people can, do, and should grow and change all the time; nothing in our lives is etched in stone forever. I am steadfast and unwaivering in my belief that as we grow and change, we owe to others with whom we're spending time to be honest about what's going on within us. You are of a different opinion, which is once someone has said they're not interested in being in a committed relationship, they should start adopting cats. I'm OK with agreeing to disagree on this one. I don't believe in being a hypocrite. If he's not looking for anything serious, then he needs to be upfront with that and stick to it. It's not fair to expect the women he dates to tolerate the multi dating... But oh... He reserves the right to change his mind if it suits him. Sorry. Doesn't work that way. That's the advice you are offering... Is my interpretation. People who aren't interested in a committed relationship need to avoid those who are. You don't have to adopt cats. Just don't pretend to be something you are not in the hopes of getting some time with someone who wouldn't give you the time of day if they knew the truth. Him telling women there is the possibility of things changing down the road is confusing and manipulative. That's what jerks and liars do... Stick to your own kind, is what I am saying.
mrldii Posted January 24, 2016 Posted January 24, 2016 @ RedRobin: Take off your filters; I said exactly the same thing you did, so I really don't see why you've decided to *argue* with me. The only difference in what we've said is that I acknowledge that some of the MOST adamant "I don't want to be in a relationship" types amongst us, end up finding someone we do want to be in a relationship with, when we least expect it and are least looking for it. And, I said, IF that happens, he needs to be equally upfront and honest about it. I did NOT say the woman is obligated to reciprocate nor accept it. Again, the only difference between what we're saying is I believe people can and should grow and change, and you believe once they've said they don't want a relationship, they must die alone.
RedRobin Posted January 24, 2016 Posted January 24, 2016 Dating means getting to know eachother,no written contract promising a RS or marriage. OP does not owe transparency to no one. In 3-4 dates he merely assesses if HE likes his dates - grown arse women, not teen-agers. No one ever tells "i want a RS" or "i don't want a RS" The first few dates. How about getting to know The other person first ?!? Like... The OP may see a chick who totally doesn't want a RS but there's no chemistry.... I'd be soooo turned off if a guy immédiately told me if he wants or doesn't want a RS, because he wouldn't know ME. I'd feel like a placeholder. I am a grown arse woman and I wouldn't touch a guy with a ten foot pole who is not seriously looking for a relationship. You don't owe anyone transparency? Seriously?!! I have no intention on going on 3 or 4 dates with a guy who is just looking to date around. In fact, I work very hard to avoid going on even ONE date with those guys. At least mr. Penis pic is being transparent, lol. What you are suggesting is sneaky as hell. if some shytehead went on 3 or 4 or more dates with me before I found out he was just looking for something casual? Oh, yea.. I'd be trashing that guy to every woman I knew within ear shot. Anyway, OP, you get the picture. Be upfront from day one if you don't want drama. Heck, this thread is starting to make me appreciate the penis pic, Netflix and chill guy. Lol. Never thought I'd see THAT. 2
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