Just smile Posted January 24, 2016 Posted January 24, 2016 I'm not proud to say that I've been back and forth on this site for several years . I'll bring y'all up to speed . Last year once again I went back ... This time , he put a ring on my finger , yes engaged , what a shift our relationship took , completely different - loving , attentive and just very different . Still cautious I was becoming more optimistic . All good for nearly 11 mos . About a week ago I couldn't reach him by phone he was at a work related party and by 10 hasn't heard from him , so I admit I became irritated by him ignoring several calls and texts . I admit maybe I was a little over the too bitching yelling etc .. What happened next is clincher . The next day he said to me " until you get the help you need and send me the credential of your therapist I will not be seeing you ". Huh ???? Now I'm crazy . I went to his house to talk figured maybe he was just overreacting and we needed to talk , when I got there he said if you don't leave ill call the cops - me ? Stunned - I wasn't yelling , I was shocked . He then pretended to pick up phone & call police . I left , police were never called but the last words he spoke were this -" I'm done with you , I've contacted an attorney to protect myself because I'm unsure what your capable of ? ( again huh? ) and swore on his kids he'd never speak with me ever again . I knew it was all too good to be true . Cycle and patterns came back with a vengeance and I'm very sad to know I'm just as disposable to him as ever . Engaged or not . Please no hate mail . I'm already busted up about this . Thanks for listening 1
dyna85 Posted January 24, 2016 Posted January 24, 2016 Well it sounds like for starters, he doesn't communicate well. For him to ignore you for hours and then pin it all on you like 'you need therapy,' is twisted. He's trying to put you in this little box to act like he's got the upper hand, but in reality, he's the one with some real issues. Sure, you may have acted over the top-which you admit-by getting upset when he didn't respond to you, but you had a reason to be upset, if you were contacting him repeatedly and he kept ignoring you. That's really rude of him to have done that. However, for him to tell you you need therapy and then say he's calling the cops on you because you went to see him to talk about the issue..that's messed up. I think you personally dodged a bullet, because you do not want to be with someone who threatens to call the cops on you when there's conflict between you. He sounds like he can't deal with conflict, so he pulls out the big guns to try to manipulate the situation--telling you he won't see you again until you show him your therapist's credential and telling you he's calling the cops on you because you had yelled at him? Gimme a break. You may have been over the top with your yelling and bitching, but what he did was worse in my opinion and if I were you, I would run and not look back, because how can you trust someone who pulls a stunt like this? The guy has serious issues. I honestly think, as hurt as you are right now and wanting resolution, your best bet is to stay away, so it doesn't escalate further. You did what you could to try to make amends and he blame shifted and went to places where he didn't need to go but that should change your view as to his mental and emotional stability. I think you both have issues to work on obviously. You need to gain better control of your emotions so you don't flip out when you don't get a response from someone despite repeated attempts (however, it is understandable to be upset about it). He, in turn, needs to evaluate the impact of ignoring a significant other for hours on end and then icing that person out when that person gets upset and seeks an explanation and he needs help bc threatening to call the cops and getting an attorney and all of that is way extreme, given circumstances. 1
Author Just smile Posted January 24, 2016 Author Posted January 24, 2016 Thanks for response . You're exactly right.to take it to that level was bizarre. Again, I did overact but it was somewhat warranted, ignoring three or four calls and texts and answering when he felt like it , is immature especially for a 57 year old man. And to be told I'm nuts and need therapy is a matter of complete control , I'm not a child. It's been s week zero contact, we usually speak twice a day and do everything together, this is honestly like mourning a death , and dealing with a bi polar lunatic at the same time. The entire situation just sucks, but I'm not getting any younger and I can't handle the stress any more. I never asked for much, but he couldn't offer me respect and the smallest gestures ... I'm giving him what he wants , me gone. 1
candie13 Posted January 24, 2016 Posted January 24, 2016 Do you usually call a lot when you don't hear from him? Do you act like you're out of control ? Did you do anything like this, similar, in The past ? Do you have difficulties handling insecurities ? 1
Author Just smile Posted January 24, 2016 Author Posted January 24, 2016 Being totally honest here . I never call him - this particular day didn't hear from Him . For whatever reason I decided to call when I went to bed , no answer . I did call back three times , did yell , did flip out . But he knows how to push my buttons . Yes I have problems within myself as far as he's concerned due to his track record . It would of taken three seconds to respond , I'm busy or I'll call you tomorrow , later etc . But creating elusiveness and wonder is just bad . I acted poorly - take credit there 100% but absolutely did not deserve the level this was taken to . 1
mightycpa Posted January 24, 2016 Posted January 24, 2016 You probably get to keep the ring as compensation for a broken promise, so there's that. Consider yourself lucky to have wasted only your time for the rest of it. 1
Author Just smile Posted January 24, 2016 Author Posted January 24, 2016 Ring is mine . We had a trip planned to Italy and islands in next couple months .my emotions are up and down and all over the place . I truly loved this man despite the issues I've accepted all his shortcomings but he can't accept mine . I would of walked through fire for him yet he threatened me with police . I don't understand . I'm very hurt and wish more than anything I could stop being in such pain . 1
ExpatInItaly Posted January 24, 2016 Posted January 24, 2016 Does this man have mental health issues or something? A history of erratic behaviour? 1
Author Just smile Posted January 24, 2016 Author Posted January 24, 2016 Yes unfortunately situations like this have happened in the past ... 1
Author Just smile Posted January 25, 2016 Author Posted January 25, 2016 Need reminders why I should remain no contact it's very difficult 1
DarkHorizon Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 Need reminders why I should remain no contact it's very difficult Why do you want to contact him? What do you want to tell him at this point? 1
cupcakebunny Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 If you don't have a history of "flipping out" and incessantly calling -- like this was truly a one-off -- I would say his reaction would be pretty exaggerated. At most I would expect him to just ask "what is going on here? you've never done this before". Truth be told, his reaction was pretty extreme and unless you were threatening physical or self harm, there was no excuse for that. I don't know all the history but going to be frank - it's likely the reasons that you guys broke up before this still exist. If this is something you both want to make work you guys need couples counseling to get to the bottom of it and possibly individual therapy. But frankly it sounds like neither of you has patience for the other - if everything is peachy keen it's all happy, but it seems that the second anyone gets slightly uncomfortable both of you get enraged instead of just mildly annoyed. A marriage would have been miserable for both parties. 2
Author Just smile Posted January 25, 2016 Author Posted January 25, 2016 I have had past history of incessant calling not gonna lie unfortunately due to the history of him and I be brings out the worst in me I'm not proud of I've accepted all his quirky traits all of them but he said 95 percent of me is perfect and 5 percent he can't live with anymore . Heard it before 1
Apparition Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 Lol he'll be back. I have no doubt about it. It's up to you what you do when he comes back. 2
Author Just smile Posted January 25, 2016 Author Posted January 25, 2016 That's just it with my given track record he has always come back and I always take him back . Weak minded I am - apparently but I love him ugh
candie13 Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 You trigger eachother off - snd that is toxic. Change your airflight ticket & go to Paris with a friend. Than man really doesnt sound dependable, OP. You get triggered off, so you ain't better either. See... I've lived this, but didn' t allow it to get to engagement. Some people hsve this capacity to just... bring out the worst in you. High on emotion, the highest highs, the lowest lows. A relationship needs solidity to be able to last in time, and these RS are just to frail... Because that type of man doesnt play fair, doesnt think of his partner or of the relationship. He pushes people away and aims to destroy those who get near him, in moments of high vulnerability... Impossible to build a lasting relationship with such a character who fights to win. Compatibility in fighting style is Paramount. Just as important as compatibility in communication style... It took me a really really long time & effort to break out of that RS. All The best, OP, that RS was one of the darkest moments of my Life.
candie13 Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 Oh, and he'd do exactly that. Push me. Hard. Just like you, I'd overreact. Badly. So I'd get really mad & chase him away and treat him poorly. He'd vanish a couple of days, a week, then he'd start the "reconquista" routine. Heartbreaking. No end to it. No key learnings... A lot of wasted emotions ...
Apparition Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 Sometimes it just isn't worth it, though. At least not until they change. 1
cupcakebunny Posted January 26, 2016 Posted January 26, 2016 I have had past history of incessant calling not gonna lie unfortunately due to the history of him and I be brings out the worst in me I'm not proud of I've accepted all his quirky traits all of them but he said 95 percent of me is perfect and 5 percent he can't live with anymore . Heard it before The thing is -- that kind of stuff never pans out. "Oh you're perfect, if only I could change x, y, z". I left a relationship like that. BOTH SIDES said similar stuff. There is compromise in a relationship even regarding base personality things, but at the same time if you're not patient and willing to accept the quirks and even just straight up faults of your partner then it will NEVER work. Resentment grows. Impatience grows. And it blooms into blow outs over something small. Again I don't know the detailed history, but incessant calling/suspicion is DEATH to a relationship. If he's done something to violate your trust in him -- that sucks. But if you CHOSE to take him back you have to actually try to work past his past transgressions and forgive him -- while he corrects the behavior and tries to build up your trust. He also has to willing to be patient with you and he's clearly not. You can't allow this atmosphere of suspicion to breed. It'll set you off. Set him off. If you can't work past it, then just let him go because no one will be happy. Frankly, the only thing to fix something like this is an actual true breakup. Both parties date other people. See what else is out there. Learn. Grow. Maybe therapy. And IF after TIME(like a goodly amount) both parties still really want to try - you start again. And you start again like you never dated before.
Author Just smile Posted February 1, 2016 Author Posted February 1, 2016 The thing is -- that kind of stuff never pans out. "Oh you're perfect, if only I could change x, y, z". I left a relationship like that. BOTH SIDES said similar stuff. There is compromise in a relationship even regarding base personality things, but at the same time if you're not patient and willing to accept the quirks and even just straight up faults of your partner then it will NEVER work. Resentment grows. Impatience grows. And it blooms into blow outs over something small. Again I don't know the detailed history, but incessant calling/suspicion is DEATH to a relationship. If he's done something to violate your trust in him -- that sucks. But if you CHOSE to take him back you have to actually try to work past his past transgressions and forgive him -- while he corrects the behavior and tries to build up your trust. He also has to willing to be patient with you and he's clearly not. You can't allow this atmosphere of suspicion to breed. It'll set you off. Set him off. If you can't work past it, then just let him go because no one will be happy. Frankly, the only thing to fix something like this is an actual true breakup. Both parties date other people. See what else is out there. Learn. Grow. Maybe therapy. And IF after TIME(like a goodly amount) both parties still really want to try - you start again. And you start again like you never dated before. We've broken up before started all over. Dated etc. he not me. Always comes back . The reason for my suspicions are because he's elusive at times,,not all,the time , however when he does become Elusive and unavailable it drives me insane I'm not needy, never smothered, yet it was a double standard so to speak. The relationship has and will always be toxic , while I accept his quirks and shortcomings he cannot accept mine. I'm choosing once again to go no contact but all that does is stir curiosity in him and frankly I'm beginning to think he gets off on this.
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