pre-date interaction guidance

[tasev1]

Hello everyone. Just trying to get a gauge on a situation I am in and see if I am interpreting well or not.

 

Met a girl at the gym. (from a hello in the parking lot, to a couple quick chats at the gym). Welcomed her the last time I saw her with a nice hug, and asked to meet in the lobby on the way out. I essentially asked her out in front of her sister - "I'm free Thursday night and Sunday - when are we going for coffee?". She was flattered, and there was no hesitation. She only indicated that she had some rehearsal at a certain time (to which she already suggested I go to her premiere), so I said lets do it a couple hours before that (to have a no-pressure time constraint in case it doesn't go well). I got her number, but neglected to text back mine (fixed the next day).

 

Come Sunday, I was sick - not bad, but didn't want to ruin the experience; so I chose to call but she beat me to it, ALSO calling in sick. I joked about it, such that true or not she wouldn't feel guilty.

 

**She actually asked for a raincheck for the following week (positive, to me - not trying to can it and forget it).

 

I followed up a couple days later to see how she was doing, at it seemed appreciated. She asked for help on finding auto body repair (I work in automotive).

 

I tried phoning on Friday, but got no answer so I sent a text (she was busy with rehearsal). Told her I wanted to talk to her, follow up with raincheck, and said I was still interested in getting to know her. She thought that was nice (to the talking part, I interpret). After a bit of 'how was your day' banter, and before bed, I wrote "...let me know what your schedule is like and we'll make a plan". And she said ".....I will :)".

 

So I have only reached out to her no less than every other day or so - definitely not trying to look needy/pushy, but still indicating interest.

 

 

Here is where I wonder about this though, and I get a mixed message: By words she still seems interested in making some meeting happen, but by lack of making it easy to set a date or confirming when she is actually available makes it seem like she's flaking.

 

Any opinions? I am leaning on the flaking side, TBH. This is the closest I have come to a date I actually WANT to go on, and I would be sad if it didn't happen. Is there anything I could do to help it along?

[soph-walker]

Pose a specific date/time.

 

Don't leave room for ambiguity, if you want to see her, make it known to her.

 

if she is vague and unresponsive, then let her know you would have been looking forward to your coffee date.

 

We have to put ourselves in a slightly vulnerable place in order to get what we want from life.

[tasev1]

I started off very strong, but now, I don't want to come across as too pushy or needy. I've learned that if a girl is really interested in seeing you, she will make it easy to set a date. Considering we haven't spoken much to this point, I don't really blame her - not like I blew her mind or anything.

 

I am thinking I should wait a week and see if she reaches out, before following up. I am of the idea that getting girls to chase me instead is much more effective for meeting those who are truly interested, and not wasting time on those who are not (provided I do all the right things, that is)

 

I am secretly hoping I could go out with her at least a couple times and plan something for Valentine's. That's a day I have been alone and depressed every time.

Edited January 24, 2016 by tasev1

[scooby-philly]

I understand your concern with coming off too strong. Iy can definitely be an issue for guys. But as the first response said, woman operate on a different wave length in dating. Or speak another language if you prefer that analogy. She's indicated she would like to. She's not been unresponsive. And she wouldn't have asked for advice if she wanted to dismiss you. Plus your description of asking her out makes you look good. However, there's a certain part of a woman that will always like their partner to be in control. Makes them feel wanted and protected. As the poster suggested, give her 3 choices with specific dates and times. Try a weeknight, a Friday or Saturday night and a weekend early afternoon. And take into account what you know about her schedule. She can't be busy all three times with something she can't switch. If she gives you an excuse ask her to propose a date in return. If she can't give you one right then...say goodbye. Even uf she had two weddings and a funeral or was out of town then she would tell you right up front. If you don't want to deal with flakiness then don't tolerate it.

[soph-walker]

Ask her our already!

 

The thing about dating is, there's always the possibility of the other person thinking 'Well, they've not texted so they're clearly not interested" and not having the gumption to actually make contact themselves...take this into consideration!

 

Let us know how it goes;)

[tasev1]

I am going to use a tip Hayley Quinn suggested:

 

Her last message being "...I will...", I will send her this:

 

" Hi. So what's going on with this? (arrows pointing up)"

 

Is cheeky, and not bullox. Holding her to her promise.

[soph-walker]

Nope.

 

I wouldn't do that if I were you. It comes across like you're not bothered and trying to act too casual.

 

Suggest a specific date/time/venue...

[tasev1]

Actually, it worked. She finally agreed to meet up, but only on Saturday / Sunday. Told me we should meet up with her dog walking, as she doesn't drink alcohol. So I told her, great, dogs are fun. We'll go for a walk, THEN go for a drink...of coffee, tea, or bubble tea. The time though.....is 2pm.

So, I have a date. Now......should I still treat this as a regular date, with venue changing and escalation? I want her to know that I'm not there to be friends, but that I am interested in more. I would be happy with a quick makeout, but would love to ensure a Valentine date.

 

That line I had above was thought of by a girl....who else better to listen to than a female dating coach!

[tasev1]

Is it wrong of me to be concentrating on escalating toward a kiss on this date? It seems that's all I can think of. Problem is, if I completely remove this objective from my mind my actions will do everything to prevent it. I haven't kissed a woman in 12 years, and I can't remember what it feels like.

Edited January 29, 2016 by tasev1

[Miss Peach]

IMO I would be fine with it if it was a good date. I always hate those types of meetings because it's not really clear whether it's a date or a friendly outing. Knowing men I just assume it's a date unless they let me know otherwise. At least with a kiss I know it's a romantic interest.

 

Most guys on a first date like that will give me a peck on the lips or the cheek. IME some will go in for an open mouth kiss but that's probably only 10%. About 20% do nothing until date 2. At the very least it should be safe to go in for a hug.

[tasev1]

Yeah, thanks. Proper hug level has already been established at the gym from the 2nd time I met her, so at least I know physical contact in that regard is still OK. Her text indicated that she didn't want to get drinks because she doesn't want to be tempted (hmmm...prior mistake? Alcoholic? I won't ask). So I said drinks such as coffee, tea, etc....

 

What is unique is she hasn't made it quick and easy to set the date, but she also hasn't completely closed off the idea either. I don't blame her for being cautious - we haven't had much interaction.

[shyguy3543]

What is unique is she hasn't made it quick and easy to set the date, but she also hasn't completely closed off the idea either. I don't blame her for being cautious - we haven't had much interaction.

 

As long as you don't get strung along, sounds like you're doing just fine!

 

This sounds eerily similar to my current situation with a girl from my kickball team hahaha. I think you're doing better than me though. Good luck!!

[tasev1]

Ok, so you guys ready for it? Post date report (as briefly as possible):

 

She gave me her address to pick up, but then considered her dog in my car and suggested we meet up at the dog park. Time got moved a couple times to 3, but the last time I said "sorry, I'm already on my way. I'll just wait for you there". I joked about her providing the postal code for the dog park, and set up a fake text convo with santa about delivering cats to the park as a joke to make her laugh. Because I didn't know how long our date would last, I was fully dressed in nice shoes and pants, going to another event after this and then downtown for a party (and that's where it starts to get funny).

 

So, as before, the plan was to go for drinks / food after. In my area, a dog park literally means a fenced off area of about 20mx20m where dogs can run. Not so in this case. It was an entire PARK. So, here I am following this girl through the MUD in my dress shoes and pants because I didn't have much of a choice but wait on the sidelines and look like a prude. She felt bad for me, but I told her "not the end of the world, it'll wash off".

 

The difficulty with this 'date' was that her attention was too split between me and her dog. Because of the mud, the dog was filthy, she was filthy, and so was I....so going anywhere after this was not going to happen. I spent as much time driving back and forth as I spent with her. She felt it was a bad idea too, so she herself proposed that we try again next week (she's busy, and works far, so Saturdays are pretty much the only day I can see her). The interaction was nice, but didn't leave much room for any sort of romantic escalation. I was fortunate that we had stuff in common, and she was so surprised at how many "talents" I have. I made a good joke about it, and told her on text later that "even though it was a total fail, at least we have stories to tell", and I told her that "regardless, I enjoyed my time with you, and I think you are a beautiful person".

 

So, 2-1/2 weeks to finally get a date, and another week before I get a serious one. Valentine's Day is in 2 weeks. I told her, "just in case next week something changes, I am still interested in asking you to be my Valentine". She did the switcharoo from "ok" to "we'll see" and I left it at that.

 

Vibe? FRIENDS. Even though she kind of acknowledged at how well I picked her up, the slow pace and lack of opportunity is leaving it to be desired.

 

Plan? Bring up her stage production again next time. She has a particular role that I could ask if she kisses the guy in the play. I'd use that to say "well, let me help you practice...."

[katiegrl]

Ok, so you guys ready for it? Post date report (as briefly as possible):

 

She gave me her address to pick up, but then considered her dog in my car and suggested we meet up at the dog park. Time got moved a couple times to 3, but the last time I said "sorry, I'm already on my way. I'll just wait for you there". I joked about her providing the postal code for the dog park, and set up a fake text convo with santa about delivering cats to the park as a joke to make her laugh. Because I didn't know how long our date would last, I was fully dressed in nice shoes and pants, going to another event after this and then downtown for a party (and that's where it starts to get funny).

 

So, as before, the plan was to go for drinks / food after. In my area, a dog park literally means a fenced off area of about 20mx20m where dogs can run. Not so in this case. It was an entire PARK. So, here I am following this girl through the MUD in my dress shoes and pants because I didn't have much of a choice but wait on the sidelines and look like a prude. She felt bad for me, but I told her "not the end of the world, it'll wash off".

 

The difficulty with this 'date' was that her attention was too split between me and her dog. Because of the mud, the dog was filthy, she was filthy, and so was I....so going anywhere after this was not going to happen. I spent as much time driving back and forth as I spent with her. She felt it was a bad idea too, so she herself proposed that we try again next week (she's busy, and works far, so Saturdays are pretty much the only day I can see her). The interaction was nice, but didn't leave much room for any sort of romantic escalation. I was fortunate that we had stuff in common, and she was so surprised at how many "talents" I have. I made a good joke about it,

 

--------

 

**and told her on text later that "even though it was a total fail, at least we have stories to tell", and I told her that "regardless, I enjoyed my time with you, and I think you are a beautiful person".**

 

 

**I told her, "just in case next week something changes, I am still interested in asking you to be my Valentine". ****

 

She did the switcharoo from "ok" to "we'll see" and I left it at that.

 

--------

 

Vibe? FRIENDS. Even though she kind of acknowledged at how well I picked her up, the slow pace and lack of opportunity is leaving it to be desired.

 

------

 

**Plan? Bring up her stage production again next time. She has a particular role that I could ask if she kisses the guy in the play. I'd use that to say "well, let me help you practice...."***

 

Oh dear, please don't be mad at me ...but re the quotes in asterisk (things you said/planning to say)... the first one sounds like a blowoff (the date was a total fail?)...and the last two were/are just, well, cringeworthy. Sorry

 

It's no wonder why she did a switcheroo after the second one (about the Valentine).

 

And the last one about helping her practice for kissing scene? Please NO!

 

Why the need for all these so-called clever and *cough* funny remarks?

 

Just be REAL....you are trying too hard. And turning her off in the process.

 

My guess after all this? At most, a friendship.

 

If she agrees to another date, I will be VERY surprised.

 

My two cents FWIW.

Edited February 1, 2016 by katiegrl

[tasev1]

Oh dear, please don't be mad at me ...but re the quotes in asterisk (things you said/planning to say)... the first one sounds like a blowoff, and the last two were/are just, well, cringeworthy. Sorry

 

It's no wonder why she did a switcheroo after the second one (about the Valentine).

 

And the last one about helping her practice for kissing scene? Please NO!

 

Why the need for all these so-called clever and *cough* funny remarks?

 

Just be REAL....you are trying too hard. And turning her off in the process.

 

My guess after all this? At most, a friendship.

 

If she agrees to another date, I will be VERY surprised.

 

My two cents FWIW.

 

Ok, so I agree with you on the 'practice scene' - even for me it's corny (someone's idea). As for the funny stuff regarding the cats - that was me being real (it was really funny, i just didn't include the details). I got a weird sense of humour, and I genuinely found it funny. "Amuse oneself first, and others may follow". I can't keep holding back if I'm worried about others finding me funny or not; i no longer care. For the "maybe" on valentine, I don't really blame her as our interaction hasn't been strong enough to support a clear answer. The fail quote - that was me to her. Definitely not blowing off, just trying to be honest and funny. Her response seemed very positive - she felt so bad about it.

 

How COULD I have done anything different with the circumstances I had? I don't really see many options.

 

I can count on one hand how many dates I have been on by my ripe age of 34 - so I am entirely relying on research education to help me survive these. I am trying really hard to hold back desperation and maintain control, but without a strong background in social intelligence, I don't always make a smart move. I have no "real me" that would help me with dating - I only have what I learn until I develop that persona.

Edited February 1, 2016 by tasev1

[katiegrl]

What was the one re the cats? I was not referring to that one.

 

Please look at the quotes in asterisk.

 

The first one about the date being a total fail. Was that meant to be funny? It did not sound that way, it sounded like a blow off.

 

The second one about the Valentine. Cheesy .. and she even pulled a switcheroo after you said it.

 

And you already acknowledged the one about the kissing scene was bad.

 

Don't mean to give you a hard time. Dating is difficult.

 

But even though you might think something is cute, funny, consider how the recipient will interpret.

 

We just want a guy to be real and genuine, no need to try so hard to be funny, clever, etc...it will have the opposite effect. Too contrived.

Edited February 1, 2016 by katiegrl

[tasev1]

What was the one re the cats? I was not referring to that one.

 

Please look at the quotes in asterisk.

 

The first one about the date being a total fail. Was that meant to be funny? It did not sound that way, it sounded like a blow off.

 

The second one about the Valentine. Cheesy .. and she even pulled a switcheroo after you said it.

 

And you already acknowledged the one about the kissing scene was bad.

 

"Why the need for all these so-called clever and *cough* funny remarks?" I interpreted to also refer to that fact.

 

 

So for clarity, here is the closing transaction on text after we got home (I would love to PM you this, but I can't figure out how - I do appreciate your efforts though).

 

Me: "Just finished cleaning up, and ready to go out again! LOL. Might have been a fail, but at least I have a story to tell

 

her: LOL I feel so bad for you ( I just finished giving Roki a bath and cleaning my jacket. At least we have a good story!

 

me: I enjoyed my time with you today, so it was worth it. You're a beautiful person.

 

her: Aww thank you I think you're really nice too and have so many talents I did not know about!

 

 

 

It's really hard to express everything without going into unrealistic detail!

Edited February 1, 2016 by tasev1

[Space Ritual]

Sorry,but Welcome to the Friendzone, bro.

 

I think she got the vibe that you were trying too hard. While that may work in a Date Movie in real life that is a one way ticket to the corner of Celibate Street and Blue Ball Way.

 

Better chance of going down to Yonge Street in Toronto and getting a date. Lots of chicks there you won't have to work too hard on. That's why it's Yonge Street. lol

[katiegrl]

"Why the need for all these so-called clever and *cough* funny remarks?" I interpreted to also refer to that fact.

 

 

So for clarity, here is the closing transaction on text after we got home (I would love to PM you this, but I can't figure out how - I do appreciate your efforts though).

 

Me: "Just finished cleaning up, and ready to go out again! LOL. Might have been a fail, but at least I have a story to tell

 

her: LOL I feel so bad for you ( I just finished giving Roki a bath and cleaning my jacket. At least we have a good story!

 

me: I enjoyed my time with you today, so it was worth it. You're a beautiful person.

 

her: Aww thank you I think you're really nice too and have so many talents I did not know about!

 

Okay thank you for clarifying with more details! That sounds better.

 

Leaving these details out the first time = greater chance at misinterpretation.

 

Still think you are trying too hard, but good luck!

Edited February 1, 2016 by katiegrl

[katiegrl]

Ok, so I agree with you on the 'practice scene' - even for me it's corny (someone's idea). As for the funny stuff regarding the cats - that was me being real (it was really funny, i just didn't include the details). I got a weird sense of humour, and I genuinely found it funny. "Amuse oneself first, and others may follow". I can't keep holding back if I'm worried about others finding me funny or not; i no longer care. For the "maybe" on valentine, I don't really blame her as our interaction hasn't been strong enough to support a clear answer. The fail quote - that was me to her. Definitely not blowing off, just trying to be honest and funny. Her response seemed very positive - she felt so bad about it.

 

How COULD I have done anything different with the circumstances I had? I don't really see many options.

 

----

 

 

I can count on one hand how many dates I have been on by my ripe age of 34 - so I am entirely relying on research education to help me survive these. I am trying really hard to hold back desperation and maintain control, but without a strong background in social intelligence, I don't always make a smart move. I have no "real me" that would help me with dating - I only have what I learn until I develop that persona.

 

Last paragraph -- thank you for sharing tasev, tough situation.

 

I once dated a scientist.. he was a genius, but lacked social intelligence as well, but you know what? I found him charming and endearing, because although he seemed awkward at times, and didn't always know what to say....he was one of the most genuine, real and honest men I had ever known, and I was very attracted to him!

 

He did not need to be funny or clever or try to impress me, he was just himself, as awkward as that was at times, and that is what is most important.... be genuine.

 

Not saying you are not .... only you know that...what I am saying is don't let your lack of "social intelligence" get you down ....and try and stay away from educational research...instead keep going, keep meeting people, keep interacting, keep learning about yourself .......practice makes perfect... well not perfect, no one is perfect, but we do the best we can with what we've got.

 

I hope it works out with this girl but if not, afterwards you introspect and figure out how to do it better next time.

 

Every disappointment is an opportunity in disguise ...an opportunity to learn (about ourselves mostly)..to grow. Eventually leading us to the right person for us. Who will adore all your quick and foibles.. no matter what they are!

 

Wish you the best as you move forward in your journey!

Edited February 1, 2016 by katiegrl

[tasev1]

I don't quite understand how I would have seemed like trying too hard. Could you clarify? Perhaps it is just your perspective without the full interactions? I feel like I haven't tried hard enough, because I took great care to take it easy and not come across as pushy.

 

What I know I have been is decisive, setting dates, and not chasing. I have shown my funny side, and shared my passions. This has been the most "chilled" interaction with a woman I have had. So far, like indicated, I haven't had good opportunity to show my romantic interest.

 

Thanks.

[tasev1]

I basically make it known to her that I want to see her again by suggesting an activity but not schedule it. Atleast she knows my plan is to see her again soon which eliminates the wondering on her part

 

I would really only be able to schedule something for Saturday anyway. I know what her schedule is like, so there's really only Saturday, and early Sunday for dates.

 

I want to take her for glow in the dark mini golf and then for coffee. I need to make this interaction fun this time!

[katiegrl]

I don't quite understand how I would have seemed like trying too hard. Could you clarify? Perhaps it is just your perspective without the full interactions? I feel like I haven't tried hard enough, because I took great care to take it easy and not come across as pushy.

 

What I know I have been is decisive, setting dates, and not chasing. I have shown my funny side, and shared my passions. This has been the most "chilled" interaction with a woman I have had. So far, like indicated, I haven't had good opportunity to show my romantic interest.

 

Thanks.

 

You are right, I misinterpreted... sorry.

 

I think it sounds good, and based on what you posted later re your full interaction... it sounds very positive!

 

Keep it going! I would not push the Valentine thing though, you only had one date. Too soon for that IMO.

 

Let things progress naturally and organically. Let it flow....which it will, relatively easily if it's right.

 

Keep us posted!

[katiegrl]

I would really only be able to schedule something for Saturday anyway. I know what her schedule is like, so there's really only Saturday, and early Sunday for dates.

 

I want to take her for glow in the dark mini golf and then for coffee. I need to make this interaction fun this time!

 

Glow in the dark mini golf sounds like an awesome date!

[tasev1]

Thanks Katiegirl, your interactions are always welcome.