Revealing your knowledge when dating. How to?

January 24, 2016

Look, you've cut down on your 60+ hour NY work job in order to concentrate on the real you. Because you don't need to think about that stuff. You've got a boat that you're renovating and when you had a 24 hour period of wanting to give it up because of a storm you were ready to give it up.

Except maybe not.

"Oh hai girls ;-) I haz a boat. Yeah. I'm sorta cool....."

You don't have to give up the boat, or the money or the cool points, you just need to give yourself up emotionally.

January 24, 2016

Yeah, you don't seem to understand the culture here... it's nowhere near as homogeneous as you are imagining.

There is a huge cultural difference between NY and CA.

Even within CA the difference between those living in say.. San Diego and San Francisco is large.

What does that even mean? Surely everyone here just wants love and appreciation?

January 24, 2016

This is pretty good insight, but no one gets this... it's a pretty unorthodox lifestyle, essentially, set up around those core philosophies.

TBH, Jewish people might get it. I learned a fair amount of the fiscal side from an old Jewish business partner that gave me the financial education I never had.

But, what people don't get is not taking out loans, having absolute freedom over money, etc. It's bizzare what the majority of the population thinks wealth is.

They think it's a shiny new Mercedes on lease!

And... this is stuff you are judged on as a man... your financial standing.

Once, I had a girl and her friends out on my unfinished boat. The boat build timeline and budget came up. I told them. I think they thought I was lying and that my very, very high end, high performance boat was worth nothing. It is in the process of getting an interior right now. Looks very rough inside.

That girl did a fade after visiting the boat, assuming I was poor. (it's a $1m boat, I think they thought it was worth $5000... lol )

Stuff like that. people don't understand these things.

Why the hell would you invite anyone on a unfinished boat....I sure wouldn't. And yes financial security IS important to ladies who are looking for someone to marry and raise children with....the majority of women have this expectation...it is what it is. You can't buy diapers or pay a mortgage on wet pennies and a dream. stop putting women down for having a realistic expectation.

January 24, 2016

I would never assume a man's level of intelligence based only on his job. I would start talking to him and then it would become apparent. I'd want to know that he is a person I can have in-depth conversation with. I'd feel like a relationship was lacking without it and I'd like to date someone with intellectual and emotional depth.

Also I think I see some of where you are coming from. I attended a very academically rigorous university. While I'm always be interested in learning; all the hard work involved in that has made me want to take a step back now. Experiencing mental health difficulties, mainly due to academic burnout, has changed my perspective on life. I used to be an overachiever and I don't think I knew how to enjoy myself. Now I focus more on looking for work which engages my brain so I don't get bored; with enough time off work for me to enjoy a social life and my hobbies. A job I do doesn't have to be my dream job, although I am ambitious about progressing in my field.

I think there is more to life than academic or career credentials. I've certainly dated a guy who was a true boffin and his academic CV was very impressive but his relationship skills weren't. I'd like a mix of brains and emotional intelligence. I find that the more experience I acquire in dating, the less I am drawn to someone just because of something they can brag about. As I said, I always like intelligent men but if I date a guy and he doesn't share my perspective on life and he doesn't make my life happier then I couldn't date him.

January 24, 2016

Where do you live, OP?

I agree that intellectual curiosity varies quite a bit geographically.

I also think there are more fit, smart, interesting women than you give credit for.

January 24, 2016

Where do you live, OP?

I agree that intellectual curiosity varies quite a bit geographically.

I also think there are more fit, smart, interesting women than you give credit for.

It really saddens me that this might be the case in the US. I'm willing to accept that there are fit, smart, interesting women (and men) everywhere in the world. Our ability to find them is the point under question.

Edited January 24, 2016 by misspond

January 24, 2016

You also said:

All the cool chicks put no emphasis on physical fitness. The fit ones are materialistic and use their bodies for financial gain...

I think this is very black and white. And when you say "use their bodies for financial gain", what do you mean exactly? Do you mean hot chicks bagging rich guys? Are you really as happy as you say you are, taking a pay dip for a lifestyle change? Are you looking for woman who's super fit? I'm asking because there's a whole shade of grey between fit, and a fat lazy couch potato.

I will sound like a feminist soapbox here but I wish guys would give us a break sometimes. Once I lost weight due to stress, and the guy I was dating at the time told me I looked really hot. I was already slim and didn't need to lose weight. There was no concern for my health at all. It would be great to have a guy I can feel human around.

I would like to think I am a reasonably cool chick and I'd say that physical fitness is important to me. I do go jogging and to the gym but let's face it, I'm not a gym bunny. I'm by no means fat but if I met a guy and we really connected but he was upset that I didn't put a lot of my life focus into the gym, then yeah that would be annoying.

Also I can think of female friends which prove the kind of woman you are seeking is out there. I know a super smart girl who also does the odd catwalk show, came top of her class and teaches English to poor children in Africa. She is not materialistic at all.

January 24, 2016

It really saddens me that this might be the case in the US. I'm willing to accept that there are fit, smart, interesting women everywhere in the world.

There probably are. (I am female, btw.)

I've lived in NYC, Boston, and (now) Florida and I can definitely say that my current location is the least intellectually inclined of anywhere I've been. People here seem to be far more materialistic and far less interested in the world around them than in other places.

So it's not that there aren't fit, smart, interesting women here or anyplace else for that matter, but it might be that there are different densities of these women.

January 24, 2016

Why the hell would you invite anyone on a unfinished boat....I sure wouldn't. And yes financial security IS important to ladies who are looking for someone to marry and raise children with....the majority of women have this expectation...it is what it is. You can't buy diapers or pay a mortgage on wet pennies and a dream. stop putting women down for having a realistic expectation.

Hear Hear. Good point. I already know that my potential career with an arts degree isn't going to lead to wealth so I have to think pragmatically about finding a guy who earns enough in order to have children and enjoy a certain lifestyle. As you said, I don't think women should be judged for that. For instance, I've decided that if I have children, I want to be able to take time off when they are young to spend time with them and that obviously requires a certain level of income. This was how I was brought up and I'd want to do the same.

January 24, 2016

Never dumb yourself down for anybody. I never did and it has suited me fine.

January 24, 2016

I think this is very black and white. And when you say "use their bodies for financial gain", what do you mean exactly? Do you mean hot chicks bagging rich guys? Are you really as happy as you say you are, taking a pay dip for a lifestyle change? Are you looking for woman who's super fit? I'm asking because there's a whole shade of grey between fit, and a fat lazy couch potato.

I think he means strippers and porn stars and Playboy bunnies.

January 24, 2016

I think he means strippers and porn stars and Playboy bunnies.

haha I was missing the obvious there...or rather, I was assuming "he can't possibly mean that, can he?". If he did actually say that, his point of view is absolutely ridiculous as many thousands of women are not into that, so what's the purpose of his question anyway?

January 24, 2016

This is untrue and this attitude is part of what's holding you back. This kind of woman does exist. I think you prefer to pretend like she doesn't so you can keep yourself in this cycle that you're in.

I agree with losangelena. Huh, loveweary?! Fit girls are only materialistic? And cool chicks put no emphasis on physical fitness? In what world? I think the vin diesel thing might be scaring the cool chicks away.

I'm somewhat being funny with that comment but realistically it's true. If you look too much like a gym rat or musclehead, a cool chick might assume that you are just as one dimensional as the you are assuming all the fit ones are materialistic and one-dimensional that way. No one is seeing past the surface. It conveys the wrong message via packaging.

You may like a certain type of fit girl which the majority of could be materialistic with not much else going on. The cool ones may be thinking same about you with the emphasis you put on your image. Cool guys stay fit but may emphasize their physique differently than you do via clothing choices and demeanor. Just a thought

January 24, 2016

I think you need to be on your own for a while OP. You seem to have quite a naive view on how life works, you seem to oversimplify it believing in ideals many people leave behind in their 20s.

I'll be honest, as a 43 year-old there is no bigger turn off than a guy believing that running away from building a real life brings happiness. It's just not mature enough for a grown adult going towards middle age.

As for young girls, seriously, what do you expect? That one of them will be mature enough to commit to you but naive enough believing that living on a boat fixing stuff gives anyone a substantial and grounded life?

It's so clear to everyone around you that you need to build something solid that isn't based on a glorified object. People don't like aging hippies. That's why NASA was impressive, it made you look like you had direction in life. You've lost that, you are drifting.

January 24, 2016

Why the hell would you invite anyone on a unfinished boat....I sure wouldn't. And yes financial security IS important to ladies who are looking for someone to marry and raise children with....the majority of women have this expectation...it is what it is. You can't buy diapers or pay a mortgage on wet pennies and a dream. stop putting women down for having a realistic expectation.

IDK... I never found it to be an issue when people visited other unfinished homes...

Plus, she kept asking to go on it.

I was supposed to take the whole group of girls snorkeling, but they didn't get their asses out of bed and over to the boat until about an hour before sunset.

So there was no snorkeling.

See... this is something I don't get.

Clearly, you see it as wrong to accept a request to take people out snorkeling on an unfinished boat.

I don't see it that way.

Where am I missing the point?

Should I have refused the request?

She saw it on snaps.

January 24, 2016

I think he means strippers and porn stars and Playboy bunnies.

Yes, I did mean that. You get me.

Crucible... I didn't take a pay cut. I own everything. I don't even have bills, per se.

All my money goes into entertainment and the boat.

I have absolutely zero financial stress.

What I did was take time off to gather myself after a crazy half decade long sprint. I have major burnout, like you did. Nursing myself back.

January 24, 2016

I agree with losangelena. Huh, loveweary?! Fit girls are only materialistic? And cool chicks put no emphasis on physical fitness? In what world? I think the vin diesel thing might be scaring the cool chicks away.

I'm somewhat being funny with that comment but realistically it's true. If you look too much like a gym rat or musclehead, a cool chick might assume that you are just as one dimensional as the you are assuming all the fit ones are materialistic and one-dimensional that way. No one is seeing past the surface. It conveys the wrong message via packaging.

You may like a certain type of fit girl which the majority of could be materialistic with not much else going on. The cool ones may be thinking same about you with the emphasis you put on your image. Cool guys stay fit but may emphasize their physique differently than you do via clothing choices and demeanor. Just a thought

I feel like this has a lot to do with it.

The girl that nicknamed me Skinny Vin said the same thing as we talked about our respective relationship issues.

But... there is a conundrum.

How can I still be "hot" without showing it off?

It gets me a lot of girls, but apparently, the wrong type. My initial theory was it's a numbers game and I'd eventually get a good one.

Basically, my weak point is my head. So so face, prince William hair. So... i have created perfect body and shaved my head to compensate. That works.

When I wear a button down, I get no female attention because my body is hidden. I'm getting older too. My body is my main selling point.

How can I still show it yet not come across as stupid?

This is probably the entire issue, tbh, That's what the girl that called me Skinny Vin said,..

January 24, 2016

IDK... I never found it to be an issue when people visited other unfinished homes...
Plus, she kept asking to go on it.

I was supposed to take the whole group of girls snorkeling, but they didn't get their asses out of bed and over to the boat until about an hour before sunset.

So there was no snorkeling.

See... this is something I don't get.

Clearly, you see it as wrong to accept a request to take people out snorkeling on an unfinished boat.

I don't see it that way.

Where am I missing the point?

Should I have refused the request?

She saw it on snaps.

I don't see anything wrong with taking someone onto an unfinished boat.

BUT.

What are your goals, LW? Because a woman who wants to settle down and have kids is probably going to wonder how that happens while living on a boat, especially if the plan is to sail the boat from one location to another with any regularity. How would she hold down a job, for instance?

Not sure how old you are, but the lifestyle you are living is one that is usually found in older guys. Now, I happen to think it's great you;ve achieved what you have at a relatively young age (for some reason I am thinking you are early 40's), but if you are dating in the ~35yo range, I wonder if you have lifestyle compatibility with most of the women you meet.

January 24, 2016

The problem is that your concept of "fit" is very narrow. A woman can be just as fit, but not hot to you because she isn't your preferred image. And women of your preferred image aren't into your lifestyle.

Is that by design, so that you never have to stop looking for "the one"? Only you can tell.

January 24, 2016

My body is my main selling point.

If this is what you think, then it's no wonder you are attracting the wrong women.

January 24, 2016

I think you need to be on your own for a while OP. You seem to have quite a naive view on how life works, you seem to oversimplify it believing in ideals many people leave behind in their 20s.

I'll be honest, as a 43 year-old there is no bigger turn off than a guy believing that running away from building a real life brings happiness. It's just not mature enough for a grown adult going towards middle age.

As for young girls, seriously, what do you expect? That one of them will be mature enough to commit to you but naive enough believing that living on a boat fixing stuff gives anyone a substantial and grounded life?

It's so clear to everyone around you that you need to build something solid that isn't based on a glorified object. People don't like aging hippies. That's why NASA was impressive, it made you look like you had direction in life. You've lost that, you are drifting.

Your ideal life completely sucks. I don't want it and neither do thousands and thousands of people married and in couples off grid, on boats, happily traveling and living.

Problem is most of the boat ones are in their 50's and up. There are thousands of them within a couple hundred miles of me right now.

If you want to sit on your death bed, saying I'm happy I lived a boring, stable life doing nothing and sitting in the same town, talking to the same old people, eating the same breakfast and working the same dead end job, that's fine.

But don't come in my thread and tell me not to live. That the worst advice I've ever heard.

January 24, 2016

If this is what you think, then it's no wonder you are attracting the wrong women.

You're cherry picking.

You took that completely out of context.

That was in the middle of a discussion of physical attributes.

January 24, 2016

The problem is that your concept of "fit" is very narrow. A woman can be just as fit, but not hot to you because she isn't your preferred image. And women of your preferred image aren't into your lifestyle.

Is that by design, so that you never have to stop looking for "the one"? Only you can tell.

Sort of, yes.

I define fit as "putting in the same effort on diet and exercise I do and having a similar level of attractiveness."

See.,, that's just it.

I don't consider image. Women do that.

I consider actual fitness and attractiveness. I could care less what contrived image she has. Could be sporty, yoga, goth, death metal, princess, whatever... I don't consider image one bit.

But... all women do.

So.. i need to adjust mine as per the topic of the thread

January 24, 2016

haha I was missing the obvious there...or rather, I was assuming "he can't possibly mean that, can he?". If he did actually say that, his point of view is absolutely ridiculous as many thousands of women are not into that, so what's the purpose of his question anyway?

I meet a disproportionate number of those, Crucible.

I agree with you, but that's not my actual experience.

The hot ones are all about money, which I have a fair amount of, but don't advertise (i have no image).

The down to earth ones are overweight.

I can't find the middle ground in my areas. They're probably married.

I was married to and have dated the middle ground before, just finding it takes so many years...

January 24, 2016

You're cherry picking.

You took that completely out of context.

That was in the middle of a discussion of physical attributes.

Ok, fair enough.

But I would still say that there is a disconnect here. You say you want to meet a "real" woman who can enjoy all the various interests and topics you are knowledgeable, while also appreciating what you have managed to achieve in terms of personal and financial freedom. But your #1 focus seems to be on physical attraction in the most shallow sort of way. Do you really think that the woman you claim you want to attract will be most concerned with your body over other attributes?

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