giggik Posted January 23, 2016 Posted January 23, 2016 I am in love with a man who is married. No we are not having an affair. He is a friend and I found myself falling for him after many years. Obviously, we can't be together, but I can't help but to think how lucky he is and how lucky his wife is. He is such a sweet and mature man, and he is everything that I've wanted in a guy. We connect so well and he knows it and even says that if he wasn't married, he would have chosen to be with me. He controls his emotions so that it doesn't ruin his marriage--this maturity of his makes him even more amazing. She is so lucky to have him and he seems to be happy with her....But... I wish he could have been happy with me. I often wonder why life has chosen for us to not have been together. (He was married before I met him). I wonder if I will ever find someone that makes me just as happy as he does. I try to put myself out there as much as I can by going to events, and mixers while also making time for my school work and family. I like to stay within my own ethnicity because that's just what I feel most at home with. I'm 22 and never had a boyfriend before. I'm not worried that no one will like me, but I'm worried that I wont like anyone enough to make them my boyfriend--I dont just become someones girlfriend for the sake of being in a relationship. I'm scared that I'll be alone forever or that I'll go throughout my whole entire 20s without having had someone. (I know some people like that and it scares me). What can I do? I feel so hurt that I cant have this amazing guy and at the same time am worried that I wont find someone for myself.
minimariah Posted January 23, 2016 Posted January 23, 2016 well... stop idolizing this man & cut him out of your life - that should be your start. he makes you happy - but in reality, a lot of it is probably your fantasy based on some kind of emotional affair you've been having with him. you don't know what kind of romantic relationship you'd have with him, would you work as a couple... things like that. you're very young and i assume - not too experienced -- so you confused his ego boost flirting as maturity. ALSO, just because you like someone and connect with them... it doesn't mean that you would actually work as a couple. take a look at this: We connect so well and he knows it and even says that if he wasn't married, he would have chosen to be with me. now put yourself in his wife's shoes - imagine you were married to this dude and you found out he is spilling his personal business to his close female friend and telling her things like this. how would you feel? a mature man wouldn't say that - EVER, because it's a very clear violation of boundaries and i won't even mention other things he's been telling you that you wrote about in your other thread -- this dude is MILES away from being mature. so break the illusion first -- no, he isn't mature. no, he isn't protecting his marriage. yes, he is probably using you as some kind of ego boost and occasional flirt and judging from all of your posts - he isn't interested in anything more. HOW can you help yourself? cut him off, out of your life. completely. if that's impossible (if you work with him, things like that) - keep your contact with him strictly professional. that's your only way of moving on. I'm scared that I'll be alone forever or that I'll go throughout my whole entire 20s without having had someone. we've ALL been through this phase and it's normal to feel this way in your age, with these feelings. it's simply paranoia and uncertainty that comes with growing up -- you will fall in love again and you will meet someone new. trust me. don't think about it too much - live your life instead. 1
Fleur de cactus Posted January 23, 2016 Posted January 23, 2016 So you say that his wife is lucky to have him and now you wants to take him away from his wife? Stop what you are doing, stop this fantasies. He has a family, he has a wife he loves, it is your turn to find a single man to love. You are only in your 20s and you think you will be alone just because a married man is not interested in you? If you work with this man, change the job, move away, find single men. It will be in your best interest if you stop this fantasy. If this ideation is impairing your life, find therapy. Good luck
Author giggik Posted January 23, 2016 Author Posted January 23, 2016 So you say that his wife is lucky to have him and now you wants to take him away from his wife? Stop what you are doing, stop this fantasies. He has a family, he has a wife he loves, it is your turn to find a single man to love. You are only in your 20s and you think you will be alone just because a married man is not interested in you? If you work with this man, change the job, move away, find single men. It will be in your best interest if you stop this fantasy. If this ideation is impairing your life, find therapy. Good luck I dont know where you came up with the idea that I want to take this man away from his wife. Maybe you assumed, but I'm not saying that I wont find love because a married man doesn't love me. I thought people would be able to tell based on what I wrote that I'm accepting I can't be with this guy, I'm putting myself out there for other guys, yet I'm afraid it wont come. That's all I wrote.
stillafool Posted January 23, 2016 Posted January 23, 2016 At 22, you and your friends should be dressing up and going to parties and clubs having fun and meeting lots of men. Do you have gfs you hang around with?
elseaacych Posted January 24, 2016 Posted January 24, 2016 Girl, you need to cut this guy out of your life. The way he is acting is not fair to you, or his SO. Why? Because he is going behind his SO's back to have a semi-romantic relationship with you, and both relationships suffer because of it. It sounds like you are holding back in pursuing your own life because you want your shot at being with him. That ain't going to happen while his SO's around, and regardless of the status of that relationship, you still aren't living your best life because you are hung up on someone who is emotionally unavailable. And that sucks. You are in the prime of your life, you may be in a position where you can go out and meet all kinds of awesome people. It's hard to say don't worry, because relationships are full-contact sports. High risk-high reward. it takes a lot of guts to put yourself out there, but if you do, it will be worth it, because you will meet someone who will be able to dedicate fully to you. You say this guy is so great even though he's emotionally unavailable and yada yada yada, but imagine how great it would be to meet someone who is emotionally available, and willing to love you and only you and no one else. You just gotta let go and get going. 1
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