Author Britney25 Posted January 31, 2016 Author Posted January 31, 2016 Why does it matter so much? Are you trying to get a consensus on here? Let's say he shows up again, trys to initiate sex just like last time, are you going to accept or reject sex based on the tally here? Honestly yes I would accept because I'm so attracted to him and I would feel more comfortable the second time. But at won't expect anything after so yeah I know now what he wants and In don't mind.
Versacehottie Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 I understand 100%. Just I don't understand and will never understand why he lost interest that fast after I said no to intercourse...but I don't remember if it was you who said it would have been worst if I did have full blown sex with him and this is how he would have treated me after. So yeah Because that's what I keep trying to say: you are linking the two events--when possibly they are not linked. No cause and effect. When maybe he just lost interest OR maybe he never intended to pursue a relationship with you. If you can understand this concept, you will be able to make better dating and sex decisions for yourself. Yeah I think I said something to the effect of he may have still done this even IF you had sex with him, which could mean he was a full out user OR more likely that he just didn't intend to pursue a relationship with you in the way that you intended AND he comfort level about sex is different than yours. In other words, he sees it as no big deal to do the things you guys did together and in fact normal-ish in a casual dating scenario. You agreed up to the point you agreed to so he assumes you feel similarly. Continuing to date you or pursue something long distance is a separate issue for him. You will f*ck up your dating if you believe guys have an intention to use you or always have just one thing in mind. You just have to put benchmarks in place or standards that you can live with as you cannot control the other person but you can screen them better or for lack of better wording: make them jump through more hoops to verify their intentions better before you proceed physically or attach yourself mentally. You also need to come up with REASONABLE expectations of the other person and use those while you are evaluating what their dating you or contact with you means. That's where I think you really messed up. You were not reasonable with your expectations that a guy who lives that far away is just having fun, going with the flow. He "may" be open to a relationship but it is a long, long shot. So you proceed with caution or treat him like a flirty friend until he shows you more or asks for more specifically. Let's say, taking your example, that you were in NY for work--you let him "show you good spots in town", maybe some physical contact while you are out in public and some kissing. You hold back on anything more, in your mind assuming it will become a relationship or physically, because it is just a fun friend showing you the best spots in his town that he thinks you will enjoy. If there is a base for more, he will let you know. At the end of a few days trip, you say maybe we can do something like this again next time I'm in town. It was "fun". How much is a flight from NY to Chicago? Around $300? He lives in NYC and he is 37 so he probably makes a decent living. If he is not wanting to come see you and have you show him your town which is just another way to continue seeing you, you should assume that for now he only wants convenient fun, ie low effort when you are in his town. Casual dating, not relationship dating. That hypothesis is based on what "could" have happened or how you "could" have handled it. Now I think it's too far gone. Also realize some guys come on strong because they are excited. You are like a new toy and so is contact with you. It doesn't mean much until you verify it with your standards which should be reality based. And based on what your goal is. The real question for you is: would you have done the same thing if you had a chance for a do-over? I think if you would have then you just need to "reframe" the outcome (ie he's not interested or not going to pursue anything further with me right now) in your head. All dating is a risk. You take it and sometimes it doesn't work out the way you had hoped. I think maybe you would have done things exactly the same and there's nothing wrong with that--it just didn't go the way you had hoped. You can learn some things from this about your standards, screening guys, and realistic expectations. In the end though, you can do everything "right" and sometimes it still doesn't go your way. It doesn't mean you are wrong to take the risk though.
Versacehottie Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 Honestly yes I would accept because I'm so attracted to him and I would feel more comfortable the second time. But at won't expect anything after so yeah I know now what he wants and In don't mind. Huh??? I'm just saying that doesn't seem in line with your real goals, your own morals or healthy for you. Why, if you have NEVER slept with anyone, would you give that to someone who is not going to treat you special? If that's what you've taken from this sequence of events and the advice that virtually everyone has given you from a variety of perspectives, I am worried for you. You'd be letting yourself be used, which will make you feel worse not better. It would most likely not ensure anything solid with this guy. 1
Author Britney25 Posted January 31, 2016 Author Posted January 31, 2016 Because that's what I keep trying to say: you are linking the two events--when possibly they are not linked. No cause and effect. When maybe he just lost interest OR maybe he never intended to pursue a relationship with you. If you can understand this concept, you will be able to make better dating and sex decisions for yourself. Yeah I think I said something to the effect of he may have still done this even IF you had sex with him, which could mean he was a full out user OR more likely that he just didn't intend to pursue a relationship with you in the way that you intended AND he comfort level about sex is different than yours. In other words, he sees it as no big deal to do the things you guys did together and in fact normal-ish in a casual dating scenario. You agreed up to the point you agreed to so he assumes you feel similarly. Continuing to date you or pursue something long distance is a separate issue for him. You will f*ck up your dating if you believe guys have an intention to use you or always have just one thing in mind. You just have to put benchmarks in place or standards that you can live with as you cannot control the other person but you can screen them better or for lack of better wording: make them jump through more hoops to verify their intentions better before you proceed physically or attach yourself mentally. You also need to come up with REASONABLE expectations of the other person and use those while you are evaluating what their dating you or contact with you means. That's where I think you really messed up. You were not reasonable with your expectations that a guy who lives that far away is just having fun, going with the flow. He "may" be open to a relationship but it is a long, long shot. So you proceed with caution or treat him like a flirty friend until he shows you more or asks for more specifically. Let's say, taking your example, that you were in NY for work--you let him "show you good spots in town", maybe some physical contact while you are out in public and some kissing. You hold back on anything more, in your mind assuming it will become a relationship or physically, because it is just a fun friend showing you the best spots in his town that he thinks you will enjoy. If there is a base for more, he will let you know. At the end of a few days trip, you say maybe we can do something like this again next time I'm in town. It was "fun". How much is a flight from NY to Chicago? Around $300? He lives in NYC and he is 37 so he probably makes a decent living. If he is not wanting to come see you and have you show him your town which is just another way to continue seeing you, you should assume that for now he only wants convenient fun, ie low effort when you are in his town. Casual dating, not relationship dating. That hypothesis is based on what "could" have happened or how you "could" have handled it. Now I think it's too far gone. Also realize some guys come on strong because they are excited. You are like a new toy and so is contact with you. It doesn't mean much until you verify it with your standards which should be reality based. And based on what your goal is. The real question for you is: would you have done the same thing if you had a chance for a do-over? I think if you would have then you just need to "reframe" the outcome (ie he's not interested or not going to pursue anything further with me right now) in your head. All dating is a risk. You take it and sometimes it doesn't work out the way you had hoped. I think maybe you would have done things exactly the same and there's nothing wrong with that--it just didn't go the way you had hoped. You can learn some things from this about your standards, screening guys, and realistic expectations. In the end though, you can do everything "right" and sometimes it still doesn't go your way. It doesn't mean you are wrong to take the risk though. Yeah you know the next morning he said he had a great time and he might be in Chicago next month. I said great let Me know but that never happened. Would I do things differently? I do regret getting naked with him because he now thinks I do want something casual and I was worried he will think I'm easy too. Anyway it doesn't matter anymore. It is what it is. 1
Author Britney25 Posted January 31, 2016 Author Posted January 31, 2016 Huh??? I'm just saying that doesn't seem in line with your real goals, your own morals or healthy for you. Why, if you have NEVER slept with anyone, would you give that to someone who is not going to treat you special? If that's what you've taken from this sequence of events and the advice that virtually everyone has given you from a variety of perspectives, I am worried for you. You'd be letting yourself be used, which will make you feel worse not better. It would most likely not ensure anything solid with this guy. I'm not saying I want to hook him with sex or hope he will change his mind. I understand he won't but if that opportunity comes why not? I won't be hurt because I know he doesn't want a future with me. Its OK. I get it now.
Versacehottie Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 Anyway it doesn't matter anymore. It is what it is. yep. you can always learn from your life experiences though. I hope you will be able to in this case. ok good luck
Qboro90 Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 Im not saying I'm going to text him Let's be friends or initiate texting.....I'm just leaving the door open. I'm not going to obsess anymore. So you're basically just saying you'll let this guy come in and out of your life at his leisure and you'll be happy with that if it happens. You should have higher expectations for yourself. Sorry if this sounds mean, but your "availability and easiness" are most likely incredibly transparent with the guys you go out with and like ...and it's not something men look for in a potential gf. Your making these long incredibly over analyzed posts about this guy who you saw in person a total of 3 times. 3 times!!!! He's a freaking stranger for goodness sake if you see someone 3 times in 6 months. And replying to say that "we texted, and snapchat'd, and used Facebook" all the time...means absolutely nothing. The only people who can have relationships through text, and Facebook.. Are also in middle school. This guy wasn't as into you as you were/are into him at any point. Doesn't matter the distance, the circumstances, what you thought he felt.. Take it from a guy... You were someone he could pick up and put down at any time , and you never would object or want more becaus of how attracted you were to him and how much hope you put into a future with him in it. Drop it with this guy and move onto someone else. 4
Versacehottie Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 I'm not saying I want to hook him with sex or hope he will change his mind. I understand he won't but if that opportunity comes why not? I won't be hurt because I know he doesn't want a future with me. Its OK. I get it now. oh no. This is sad to me. Well you don't have to tell us but maybe you should ask yourself why have you been waiting until 25 to have sex? What has been the reason? And what about this situation makes you ready to assume the time is right for you? I don't think you will find that anything about this situation with mr ny is making it the right time or choice for you to consider this a compelling "opportunity" (roll eyes!!). Hmmmmmm If you just ready to not be a virgin anymore well surely there are guys in Chicago. I don't think you are being honest with yourself that you can handle this with this guy and the real reasons you would be doing it. aiiiiiiiiiiii
Author Britney25 Posted January 31, 2016 Author Posted January 31, 2016 So you're basically just saying you'll let this guy come in and out of your life at his leisure and you'll be happy with that if it happens. You should have higher expectations for yourself. Sorry if this sounds mean, but your "availability and easiness" are most likely incredibly transparent with the guys you go out with and like ...and it's not something men look for in a potential gf. Your making these long incredibly over analyzed posts about this guy who you saw in person a total of 3 times. 3 times!!!! He's a freaking stranger for goodness sake if you see someone 3 times in 6 months. And replying to say that "we texted, and snapchat'd, and used Facebook" all the time...means absolutely nothing. The only people who can have relationships through text, and Facebook.. Are also in middle school. This guy wasn't as into you as you were/are into him at any point. Doesn't matter the distance, the circumstances, what you thought he felt.. Take it from a guy... You were someone he could pick up and put down at any time , and you never would object or want more becaus of how attracted you were to him and how much hope you put into a future with him in it. Drop it with this guy and move onto someone else. Well why not? I'm single...he doesn't want anything more. And who knows IF he will be back? If he comes back and In will be dating someone seriously then of course I won't be agreeing to meet. so I don't see a problem with it until then...sorry
Author Britney25 Posted January 31, 2016 Author Posted January 31, 2016 oh no. This is sad to me. Well you don't have to tell us but maybe you should ask yourself why have you been waiting until 25 to have sex? What has been the reason? And what about this situation makes you ready to assume the time is right for you? I don't think you will find that anything about this situation with mr ny is making it the right time or choice for you to consider this a compelling "opportunity" (roll eyes!!). Hmmmmmm If you just ready to not be a virgin anymore well surely there are guys in Chicago. I don't think you are being honest with yourself that you can handle this with this guy and the real reasons you would be doing it. aiiiiiiiiiiii Currently there's no one that I'm attracted to In Chicago and In don't want to loose my virginity just to loose it. I am getting older thou.
Versacehottie Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 Currently there's no one that I'm attracted to In Chicago and In don't want to loose my virginity just to loose it. I am getting older thou. I can understand this (bolded) completely, most girls can. So then you DO realize that things as they are now, that's exactly what you would be doing with the NY guy, right? 1
Redhead14 Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 Well why not? I'm single...he doesn't want anything more. And who knows IF he will be back? If he comes back and In will be dating someone seriously then of course I won't be agreeing to meet. so I don't see a problem with it until then...sorry Britney: If this guy "comes back", he's only going to use you if you let him. You also seem to have a distorted view of what "virginity" actually is. As far as I am concerned, you are no longer a virgin. You "gave" your body to a man whether or not intercourse happened. You were sexual and brought the man to orgasm. Did he do that for you? Just because you didn't have intercourse doesn't mean you are still a virgin in the broader sense of the word. Virginity is also an emotional thing. The innocent aspect of that experience has been removed. Given your naivety, it would be a huge mistake to meet him again and go down the road of putting yourself in that position again. You need to focus on yourself, what you want and need in terms of a relationship/dating goals and stick to them. Men who just pop in and out of your life when it's convenient for them are not men who want a real relationship and will keep doing that as long as you allow it. Given the fact that you got so "attached"/excited about this guy and this experience, you are not in the right head space to be able to handle a casual/sexual relationship. You will be hurt over and over again. It takes a very strong, secure, independent woman to be able to handle those types of relationships without getting emotionally involved. Maintain no contact with this one. Just because there isn't anybody else in Chicago that you are attracted to doesn't mean you just wait for this one to pop up again.
Qboro90 Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 Well why not? I'm single...he doesn't want anything more. And who knows IF he will be back? If he comes back and In will be dating someone seriously then of course I won't be agreeing to meet. so I don't see a problem with it until then...sorry Seriously? I just spelled out "why not?" In my reply above... As did a large amount of other members here who are trying to explain to you what is actually going on in reality. You've admitted that you're naive and don't understand this dating world, men, are inexperienced sexually, etc... Have you implemented any of the advice/suggestions you've gotten from people with this guy in the past, or any of the previous threads you made on LS? Or have you just posted about your situation for your own therapeutic reasons, then done what you feel like doing regardless of what anyone here tells you about your instincts being the wrong way to go about it. Have your perceptions led to anything positive up to this point in your life as far as men and dating are concerned? Or are you continuously finding yourself in these very emotionally invested roller coaster rides with guys? Your threads and comments would strongly suggest the latter is true. Think about what you're saying btw. This guy who you wanted a relationship with... Loses interest and stops talking to you in your mind because you didn't have sex with him due to not being quite ready yet. So you're decision going forward is to hope that he does contact you and want to meet up... Because if he does, you'll definitely let him have sex with you... Because that's what's gonna change his mind and get him to stay this time? ... Cmon... That's ludicrous. Why not?!... He doesn't want anything more than sex... You however DO want more!! That's why you started this thread!! You are heavily attached to this guy and went out of your way to write very clearly about that. You mentioned him being your "soul mate" and "husband" for goodness sake. How's that for "why not?" Lastly... You were given very substantial advise yet cherry pick what you are acknowledging and replying to. When other posters have asked or pointed out something about you, him, your actions, his feelings in a way that is indisputable... You don't have a logical response to offer, so it's glazed over and never addressed. If you want to see the world with blinders on for the rest of your life then that's your decision. But don't pretend to want advice or help from people when you aren't mature enough to realize that the advice you're getting is in YOUR BEST INTEREST. 1
Author Britney25 Posted February 1, 2016 Author Posted February 1, 2016 Seriously? I just spelled out "why not?" In my reply above... As did a large amount of other members here who are trying to explain to you what is actually going on in reality. You've admitted that you're naive and don't understand this dating world, men, are inexperienced sexually, etc... Have you implemented any of the advice/suggestions you've gotten from people with this guy in the past, or any of the previous threads you made on LS? Or have you just posted about your situation for your own therapeutic reasons, then done what you feel like doing regardless of what anyone here tells you about your instincts being the wrong way to go about it. Have your perceptions led to anything positive up to this point in your life as far as men and dating are concerned? Or are you continuously finding yourself in these very emotionally invested roller coaster rides with guys? Your threads and comments would strongly suggest the latter is true. Think about what you're saying btw. This guy who you wanted a relationship with... Loses interest and stops talking to you in your mind because you didn't have sex with him due to not being quite ready yet. So you're decision going forward is to hope that he does contact you and want to meet up... Because if he does, you'll definitely let him have sex with you... Because that's what's gonna change his mind and get him to stay this time? ... Cmon... That's ludicrous. Why not?!... He doesn't want anything more than sex... You however DO want more!! That's why you started this thread!! You are heavily attached to this guy and went out of your way to write very clearly about that. You mentioned him being your "soul mate" and "husband" for goodness sake. How's that for "why not?" Lastly... You were given very substantial advise yet cherry pick what you are acknowledging and replying to. When other posters have asked or pointed out something about you, him, your actions, his feelings in a way that is indisputable... You don't have a logical response to offer, so it's glazed over and never addressed. If you want to see the world with blinders on for the rest of your life then that's your decision. But don't pretend to want advice or help from people when you aren't mature enough to realize that the advice you're getting is in YOUR BEST INTEREST. Wait a second dude I never said he's my soulmate or husband!! Where did you get that info from? Anyway I said why not because people have casual sex as well and I'm comfortable with having fun with him now. I'm young. And I'm saying if he comes around. I'm not waiting for him too. Yes everyone helped here.
Redhead14 Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 Seriously? I just spelled out "why not?" In my reply above... As did a large amount of other members here who are trying to explain to you what is actually going on in reality. You've admitted that you're naive and don't understand this dating world, men, are inexperienced sexually, etc... Have you implemented any of the advice/suggestions you've gotten from people with this guy in the past, or any of the previous threads you made on LS? Or have you just posted about your situation for your own therapeutic reasons, then done what you feel like doing regardless of what anyone here tells you about your instincts being the wrong way to go about it. Have your perceptions led to anything positive up to this point in your life as far as men and dating are concerned? Or are you continuously finding yourself in these very emotionally invested roller coaster rides with guys? Your threads and comments would strongly suggest the latter is true. Think about what you're saying btw. This guy who you wanted a relationship with... Loses interest and stops talking to you in your mind because you didn't have sex with him due to not being quite ready yet. So you're decision going forward is to hope that he does contact you and want to meet up... Because if he does, you'll definitely let him have sex with you... Because that's what's gonna change his mind and get him to stay this time? ... Cmon... That's ludicrous. Why not?!... He doesn't want anything more than sex... You however DO want more!! That's why you started this thread!! You are heavily attached to this guy and went out of your way to write very clearly about that. You mentioned him being your "soul mate" and "husband" for goodness sake. How's that for "why not?" Lastly... You were given very substantial advise yet cherry pick what you are acknowledging and replying to. When other posters have asked or pointed out something about you, him, your actions, his feelings in a way that is indisputable... You don't have a logical response to offer, so it's glazed over and never addressed. If you want to see the world with blinders on for the rest of your life then that's your decision. But don't pretend to want advice or help from people when you aren't mature enough to realize that the advice you're getting is in YOUR BEST INTEREST. yet cherry pick -- This is often what thread starters do. They come for advice, get a ton of advice from people all saying the same thing, which isn't the answer they really want to hear. There may be a couple of posters who support what that person really wants to hear, and they grab on to that for validation. It's like I've said in the past -- Some people will go to 10 doctors until they get the diagnoses they want, not the right one. Some people can't handle the truth. . . 1
Author Britney25 Posted February 1, 2016 Author Posted February 1, 2016 yet cherry pick -- This is often what thread starters do. They come for advice, get a ton of advice from people all saying the same thing, which isn't the answer they really want to hear. There may be a couple of posters who support what that person really wants to hear, and they grab on to that for validation. It's like I've said in the past -- Some people will go to 10 doctors until they get the diagnoses they want, not the right one. Some people can't handle the truth. . . I handled the truth. I understand all your points,but again I can have fun with this one if ever it happens doesn't mean I'm ignoring you or anyone else.
Redhead14 Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 I handled the truth. I understand all your points,but again I can have fun with this one if ever it happens doesn't mean I'm ignoring you or anyone else. You aren't ignoring us/me, you simply aren't embracing what we are telling you. I can have fun with this one -- If you think you are going to be able to handle and casual sexual relationship with this guy or anyone else, you are fooling yourself. You are in no way mature enough, secure enough to handle that kind of situation. You are calling yourself a virgin, and emotionally, you are a virgin. If you enter into this kind of a scenario with anyone right now, you will be hurt and much more than you realize. Look what happened this time. You were hurt and confused and started a thread that's gone on for a couple hundred posts. You want a real boyfriend and you want to "give up" your virginity to a real boyfriend, not this guy or a bunch of guys. You've tasted blood, metaphorically speaking, and now you are willing to do anything to taste it again . . . 3
ExpatInItaly Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 I've read through the entire thread. OP, to use a cliche... He's just not that into you. 2
katiegrl Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 Yeah...I think she already knows he's just not into her ....but doesn't care, that's what's troubling. She is also obviously okay with being treated like yesterday's newspaper, and tossed in the trash afterwards..... also troubling. What's also obvious is that no matter what anyone says or advice she receives, she is gonna do what she wants regardless ... so... I say we let her carry on as she wishes, makes her own mistakes ....as most of us did before LS came along, wish her well and call it a day. Good look OP, stay safe. 1
Author Britney25 Posted February 1, 2016 Author Posted February 1, 2016 Yeah...I think she already knows he's just not into her ....but doesn't care, that's what's troubling. She is also obviously okay with being treated like yesterday's newspaper, and tossed in the trash afterwards..... also troubling. What's also obvious is that no matter what anyone says or advice she receives, she is gonna do what she wants regardless ... so... I say we let her carry on as she wishes, makes her own mistakes ....as most of us did before LS came along, wish her well and call it a day. Good look OP, stay safe. I know he's not into me to be his potential girl but he would sleep with me and be fwb with me so whatever Thank you I will
Author Britney25 Posted February 1, 2016 Author Posted February 1, 2016 I've read through the entire thread. OP, to use a cliche... He's just not that into you. Dude I know but he would sleep with me
introverted1 Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 Dude I know but he would sleep with me And that proves... what? This is an incredibly low bar. Any woman can find a guy to sleep with her. Means nothing. If you are ok with sex that means nothing, then go for it. But a thread that has lasted for 14 PAGES tells me that you are seriously invested here. Waaay more than you should be. Good luck. 3
AMJ Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 I didn't read all 14 pages. Sorry. But you are fixated on this guy and that in itself is just unhealthy. I get it, I've been there! You felt a strong connection with him, and it's hard to let that go. Is this the first significantly older guy you've dated? Don't minimize the age gap and how that's affected this whole situation. He's not new to this game, he knows exactly what he's doing. Please don't take offense, but it's not difficult for an attractive 37 year old man to create chemistry with an attractive 25 year old woman. Guys his age who ARE looking for a relationship aren't usually trying to date someone so young. I can see that you don't really want to accept that you should leave this guy behind. But if the game is really what you want to play, you'll only be that much more enticing when you act like you could care less about him. How can you possibly rule out finding another guy in a city like Chicago?? It's huge! There are tons of young single men at your fingertips. Go out and find some. Get like five of them to date at the same time. Then decide which one is nice enough to you to have sex with. Eventually you'll look back at your feelings for this guy and shake your head in disbelief. You got hooked, it happens to everyone.
Redhead14 Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 I am thinking that the title of this thread should have been "I just wanted sex with him but kinda chickened out at the last second and now I really do wanna go all the way and since he showed even the tiniest bit of interest and may be my only opportunity for that to happen for a while, I'll wait for him to show up again . . . and I don't mind compromising my needs and goals and values for that. 3
rockstar135 Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 Why are women so brainwashed? It is ok to remove consent at any time and that doesn't make you a bad person. You don't owe any man sex for any reason at any point. What message are women giving to their daughters if they are telling them they cannot change their mind about intimacy??? Men aren't animals. If they are in any way reasonable they won't resent you if you simply decide you weren't ready at the moment. The women here need to find a better grade of men. 3
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