Did he only want to have sex with me? Help!

[kendahke]

So I trust him because my friend knows him for a while and they wouldn't set me up with someone who might be dangerous.

 

You only know as much about a person as they let you know about themselves.

 

I'm sure Ted Bundy's friends all thought he was a great guy, too.

[Britney25]

Oh, baloney. Seduction isn't genuine intimacy. What most men with a good head on their shoulders want is a woman with good judgement. Women should be expecting the same in return.

 

Having sex early, man or woman, means their judgement is suspended. Me personally, I think any man expecting early sex with a near stranger has a habit of having no judgement and expects the woman to bear all of the responsibility. It's lazy. Has zero to do with love or anything even close to love.

 

As for the OP, I have no idea why she'd continue communicating with him. If he was looking for something casual or a FWB, then he should have said so up front. I agree with the others that she is sending mixed messages herself by agreeing to go over to his house... But no way in hell is she obligated to have sex with anyone. Ever.

 

for the record... I never have sex early... None of my relationships have EVER ended due to disparities in sexual compatibility or libido. Not a single one. People introduce a lot of unnecessary drama into their lives by having sex with strangers... Is what I observe time and time again on LS and elsewhere.

 

Anyway, OP. Consider this part of the screening process. Also, work harder to find men closer to you if you are looking for a relationship. LDR are hard enough when you know the person. Almost impossible trying to establish one that way.

 

That's the thing he didn't sag anything up front..and he's still not saying anything. I understand your point but we didn't have intercourse...its fooling around that's all we did. I'm just very attracted to him and I didn't feel pressured at all.

[tasev1]

I agree. A HUGE bunch of baloney.

 

tasev1, you (and any man who believes as you do) are way too sensitive...which indicates to me YOU are the one who is too into yourself.

 

Just because a woman isn't ready for sex (or intercourse) DOES NOT mean her interest isn't strong enough.

 

In fact. it's probably the exact opposite. Her interest is very strong, which is why she wants to develop the emotional connection FIRST.

 

Intercourse is a very big deal to some people.... very intimate. So if a woman (or man) wants to wait for THAT, that is his/her prerogative.

 

It shouldn't preclude them from doing other sexual things to each other though....that indicate a strong interest AND attraction to each other.

 

As is what happened here.

 

To the OP...in this case, I don't think his overall interest is (or was) very high to begin with.

 

His pulling back has NOTHING to do with the fact you didn't have intercourse.

 

Let's keep this about OP, and not me. Up until relatively recently, my beliefs were no kissing for at least 5 or 6 dates, and sex for me was unthinkable. As a result, my interaction with women reflected this and I have FAILED to do anything but be friends with them. Sex early or late, neither is wrong - it's just a matter of perspective; but you can't deny the dating world has changed. And I have to change with it if I want to find success and gain the experience I need to find the woman of my dreams.

 

There is one thing I would like to understand though: why DO women enjoy only going half-way? You are comfortable enough to go topless and have some foreplay, but is going the whole 9 yards a big difference for you? What do you girls think of when that happens (genuine question, in case I am in that boat myself).

[katiegrl]

That's the thing he didn't sag anything up front..and he's still not saying anything. I understand your point but we didn't have intercourse...its fooling around that's all we did. I'm just very attracted to him and I didn't feel pressured at all.

 

Britney.....with respect hun.... me thinks it's time you just move on.

 

Seriously. You said this all happened two MONTHS ago?

 

Not to dismiss your feelings, but you had two dates and some sexual play.

 

This should have been but a very minor blip on your radar...yet here you are still obsessing (and yes it does sound like you're obsessing) two months after the fact.

 

You are very young....you are going to experience WAY worse heartbreaks in your life than this should be.

 

Just forget him. If he were interested, he would be calling and asking you out.

 

He's not therefore not interested. Who cares why, guys can be a-holes sometimes, what can I say.

 

Plus not sure he even did anything wrong. You were a willing participant too... and he never promised you anything... he may have been interested at the time, but for whatever reason, he's not anymore.

 

Time to kiss this baby goodbye and move on with your life. Maybe start dating other guys -- closer to your own age? And block him from all social media.

 

Anyway...sorry this sounded harsh -- but it's time.

 

Good luck going forward sweetie.... wish you all the best.

[katiegrl]

Let's keep this about OP, and not me. Up until relatively recently, my beliefs were no kissing for at least 5 or 6 dates, and sex for me was unthinkable. As a result, my interaction with women reflected this and I have FAILED to do anything but be friends with them. Sex early or late, neither is wrong - it's just a matter of perspective; but you can't deny the dating world has changed. And I have to change with it if I want to find success and gain the experience I need to find the woman of my dreams.

There is one thing I would like to understand though: why DO women enjoy only going half-way? You are comfortable enough to go topless and have some foreplay, but is going the whole 9 yards a big difference for you? What do you girls think of when that happens (genuine question, in case I am in that boat myself).

 

I didn't make this about you.... actually you did and are making this about you again, above (bolded).

 

As for me...you posted something, I responded. That's what people do on a message board.

 

Apologies if my post offended you.

[tasev1]

I didn't make this about you.... actually you did and are making this about you again, above (bolded).

 

As for me...you posted something, I responded. That's what people do on a message board.

 

Apologies if my post offended you.

 

Oh no, no offense taken. I am learning about this myself too, and a lot of what I am sharing is from reading, dating coaches, other people's experiences, and opinions I am forming as well.

 

I am very much open to being proven wrong, because I am in a state of change.

 

Anyway, I appreciate your direct comments.

[aussietigerwolf]

Actually ted Bundy was thought to have been a fine upstanding citizen by his entire neighborhood. It was quite a shock when his true self came out.

[Versacehottie]

Thank you. I hope he will come around thou... I don't want to start the convo because it will be kinda awkward you know. It has been like 2 months since it happened.

 

Ok, time for a reality check. 2 MONTHS!!!!??? Again, I don't know why you are linking everything back to the physical, he is just not interested. Simple.

 

I strongly, strongly suspect that you could have slept with him with out of this world skills and NOTHING would be ANY different. I know you've said you are inexperienced and IMO rather naive. You are still going on about the social media stuff. Here's an idea: why don't you delete him and see what happens? I'm half being sarcastic and half being serious. A) because I don't think you have the courage to do it B) I'm also worried you won't interpret the outcome of doing THAT correctly.

 

And of course he's not going to want to be FWB or ask you for that. You don't live close and he probably senses that you want a relationship. If you think being a FWB is the road to a relationship with him, you are again wrong.

 

I know you are attached to him, clearly. But you need to, at 25!, get up to speed on how dating and relationships generally work. Don't you have friends where you can neutrally observe or ask questions about their own dating experiences? It seems that you think if you slept with him, which wasn't in your comfort zone but now you feel guilty about, things would be different and you would be a couple. I'm 99% sure they would not be. That is not the only thing guys want in order to be in a relationship. In fact, if they think of you as relationship material, they are typically more understanding if you want to go slow physically. Anyway, it still is not all about the physical. It's about the connection too and whether he saw you as someone he could see dating. It's as simple as this: he did not. Can you simplify it to that, and try to work on yourself and self-esteem? Otherwise you will keep finding yourself in these situations: where you don't have realistic thoughts and aren't really protecting yourself emotionally, etc. and making sound decisions for your life.

[Britney25]

Ok, time for a reality check. 2 MONTHS!!!!??? Again, I don't know why you are linking everything back to the physical, he is just not interested. Simple.

 

I strongly, strongly suspect that you could have slept with him with out of this world skills and NOTHING would be ANY different. I know you've said you are inexperienced and IMO rather naive. You are still going on about the social media stuff. Here's an idea: why don't you delete him and see what happens? I'm half being sarcastic and half being serious. A) because I don't think you have the courage to do it B) I'm also worried you won't interpret the outcome of doing THAT correctly.

 

And of course he's not going to want to be FWB or ask you for that. You don't live close and he probably senses that you want a relationship. If you think being a FWB is the road to a relationship with him, you are again wrong.

 

I know you are attached to him, clearly. But you need to, at 25!, get up to speed on how dating and relationships generally work. Don't you have friends where you can neutrally observe or ask questions about their own dating experiences? It seems that you think if you slept with him, which wasn't in your comfort zone but now you feel guilty about, things would be different and you would be a couple. I'm 99% sure they would not be. That is not the only thing guys want in order to be in a relationship. In fact, if they think of you as relationship material, they are typically more understanding if you want to go slow physically. Anyway, it still is not all about the physical. It's about the connection too and whether he saw you as someone he could see dating. It's as simple as this: he did not. Can you simplify it to that, and try to work on yourself and self-esteem? Otherwise you will keep finding yourself in these situations: where you don't have realistic thoughts and aren't really protecting yourself emotionally, etc. and making sound decisions for your life.

 

Hmm OK so why persue and waste energy on me in the first place even thou he knew its long distance? I've seen some people meet on vacation and fall in love. It happens so don't tell me it's because of the distance. If you're meant to be together yo will be. I agree with you that he doesn't have that much interest to start something more with me yeah but it CANT be that distance BS.

Will I delete him from social media? No why? Because he didn't do nothing wrong. He's not neither and liked my photo yesterday if anything we can be just friends. If he deletes me fine whatever.

Its hard to explain but I never had a connection like I had with him at least from my side so yeah its hard. I may be naive yeah but that's me. All my friends just told me he might feel rejected by me and maybe regretting he took me to bed. I don't know.

[Britney25]

Britney.....with respect hun.... me thinks it's time you just move on.

 

Seriously. You said this all happened two MONTHS ago?

 

Not to dismiss your feelings, but you had two dates and some sexual play.

 

This should have been but a very minor blip on your radar...yet here you are still obsessing (and yes it does sound like you're obsessing) two months after the fact.

 

You are very young....you are going to experience WAY worse heartbreaks in your life than this should be.

 

Just forget him. If he were interested, he would be calling and asking you out.

 

He's not therefore not interested. Who cares why, guys can be a-holes sometimes, what can I say.

 

Plus not sure he even did anything wrong. You were a willing participant too... and he never promised you anything... he may have been interested at the time, but for whatever reason, he's not anymore.

 

Time to kiss this baby goodbye and move on with your life. Maybe start dating other guys -- closer to your own age? And block him from all social media.

 

Anyway...sorry this sounded harsh -- but it's time.

 

Good luck going forward sweetie.... wish you all the best.

 

He liked my photo again yesterday. You know I agree he's just not that into me but it can't be the distance bs. I've know people who met on vacation! And are a couple. Its just not meant to be I guess. I appreciate your advice and thank you. Hope I get to find someone as into me as I was to him :-/

[Versacehottie]

Hmm OK so why persue and waste energy on me in the first place even thou he knew its long distance? I've seen some people meet on vacation and fall in love. It happens so don't tell me it's because of the distance. If you're meant to be together yo will be. I agree with you that he doesn't have that much interest to start something more with me yeah but it CANT be that distance BS.

Will I delete him from social media? No why? Because he didn't do nothing wrong. He's not neither and liked my photo yesterday if anything we can be just friends. If he deletes me fine whatever.

Its hard to explain but I never had a connection like I had with him at least from my side so yeah its hard. I may be naive yeah but that's me. All my friends just told me he might feel rejected by me and maybe regretting he took me to bed. I don't know.

 

Because he was checking it/you out; because he had no end goal in mind definitively; because he was hoping for sparks that were there, that were not. He's allowed to just change his mind or not feel there is enough there, same as you are. And then there is the whole he had bad intentions of only getting together with you sexually--which I don't think it is what this is, but does happen and you will hear from some that was his intention. It didn't take much time or effort to connect with you on social media, maybe a few texts or calls before you went to his city. Plus with some excitement, people will put in more effort. Now, no excitement about you, ie very little. It just took me 20 seconds to like about 20 people's posts--does it mean much/anything? Should those people "read into it"? Not really.

 

Yeah so you are starting to get it slightly at least in that YOU won't delete him because he did nothing wrong (i also think it's because you want to keep the door open, which is actually my advice with a stable person anyway, so...). Well, put it in reverse, that's exactly why he isn't deleting you. It doesn't mean MORE than that. It just means he doesn't think you did anything wrong and that it's not that big a deal to have another "friend" on social media--that's it.

 

He might feel a little rejected by you--all that is still you assuming he wanted to have a dating/relationship with you--which I don't think he did seriously. Maybe he was just having harmless fun and if it led to something significant he was somewhat open to it. But it didn't, for him. I don't think he's regretting that he got you into bed. More likely that he is happy to have the information he garnered from that meet up. That you guys are not a fit. If he was just a little rejected and intending to start dating you for real and interested, he would still be in "real" contact (not social media likes). He would also be as worried that you were still interested in him from a night where maybe things went too far and would be scrambling to fix that.

 

If you want to get what you want with dating and guys, stop being naive with your head in the sand. You need to face real facts. Innocent can be attractive but it's different than what you are doing. You need to detach from this one. I'm also sure your friends told you some of the things you are hearing here as well--you are just latching onto the ones that give you hope with this guy. It's pretty unrealistic, which is a disservice to you. Tough love: he's not into you.

[katiegrl]

He liked my photo again yesterday. You know I agree he's just not that into me but it can't be the distance bs. I've know people who met on vacation! And are a couple. Its just not meant to be I guess. I appreciate your advice and thank you. -/

 

Well, after two months, it is OBVIOUS *he's* not gonna ask you out, or even ask to see you again (for sex)...so what are you gonna do? Obsess about him for the rest of your life?

 

Your only other alternative is for you to chase him. Maybe that's what his game is anyway.

 

This way, when he dumps you after you have full blown sex with intercourse, HE doesn't have to feel guilty because you chased him.

 

So do that .....and let us know how that works out for ya.

 

Either that or just MOVE ON.

[carhill]

He liked my photo again yesterday. You know I agree he's just not that into me but it can't be the distance bs. I've know people who met on vacation! And are a couple. Its just not meant to be I guess. I appreciate your advice and thank you. Hope I get to find someone as into me as I was to him :-/

IMO, if you want to enjoy this as some entertainment, that can work, but don't consider it anything serious. From your response, it sounds like you've got things worked out, seeking a guy who's as into you as you were into this guy. That's OK. Sometimes things miss.

[Britney25]

Because he was checking it/you out; because he had no end goal in mind definitively; because he was hoping for sparks that were there, that were not. He's allowed to just change his mind or not feel there is enough there, same as you are. And then there is the whole he had bad intentions of only getting together with you sexually--which I don't think it is what this is, but does happen and you will hear from some that was his intention. It didn't take much time or effort to connect with you on social media, maybe a few texts or calls before you went to his city. Plus with some excitement, people will put in more effort. Now, no excitement about you, ie very little. It just took me 20 seconds to like about 20 people's posts--does it mean much/anything? Should those people "read into it"? Not really.

 

Yeah so you are starting to get it slightly at least in that YOU won't delete him because he did nothing wrong (i also think it's because you want to keep the door open, which is actually my advice with a stable person anyway, so...). Well, put it in reverse, that's exactly why he isn't deleting you. It doesn't mean MORE than that. It just means he doesn't think you did anything wrong and that it's not that big a deal to have another "friend" on social media--that's it.

 

He might feel a little rejected by you--all that is still you assuming he wanted to have a dating/relationship with you--which I don't think he did seriously. Maybe he was just having harmless fun and if it led to something significant he was somewhat open to it. But it didn't, for him. I don't think he's regretting that he got you into bed. More likely that he is happy to have the information he garnered from that meet up. That you guys are not a fit. If he was just a little rejected and intending to start dating you for real and interested, he would still be in "real" contact (not social media likes). He would also be as worried that you were still interested in him from a night where maybe things went too far and would be scrambling to fix that.

 

If you want to get what you want with dating and guys, stop being naive with your head in the sand. You need to face real facts. Innocent can be attractive but it's different than what you are doing. You need to detach from this one. I'm also sure your friends told you some of the things you are hearing here as well--you are just latching onto the ones that give you hope with this guy. It's pretty unrealistic, which is a disservice to you. Tough love: he's not into you.

 

so why would he think we're not a fit? Because I denied the sex? Fuuuuck me. God I'm tired of men...how the **** can I read the signs early on? He was so on top of it before we got intimate. Then he tells me he was a little hurting after that night. Then after I texted him something flirty he doesn't reply till a week later claiming he just saw the text with hearts. I am done with him just wanted to get some advice as to why he lost interest because I'm not freaking going to ask him. I'm not needy and he doesn't owe me an explanation of course. And yes I understand he has the right to change his mind it's just so disappointing I'm not having luck with men at all. Every guy I meet just wants sex eventually from me. I don't dress provocative , I am not touchy feels to give the wrong expression, I was raised with morals because of my strict French family and ****ing I have no luck at all. I love to cook, have interesting convos, I'm such a kid at heart and everyone tells me I'm so pretty why you don't have a man? Even though it's not about looks of course because I fall for the guys personality so it hurts.

[Britney25]

IMO, if you want to enjoy this as some entertainment, that can work, but don't consider it anything serious. From your response, it sounds like you've got things worked out, seeking a guy who's as into you as you were into this guy. That's OK. Sometimes things miss.

 

I see now. I just had rose glasses on all this time...hoping maybe just maybe....

[Britney25]

Well, after two months, it is OBVIOUS *he's* not gonna ask you out, or even ask to see you again (for sex)...so what are you gonna do? Obsess about him for the rest of your life?

 

Your only other alternative is for you to chase him. Maybe that's what his game is anyway.

 

This way, when he dumps you after you have full blown sex with intercourse, HE doesn't have to feel guilty because you chased him.

 

So do that .....and let us know how that works out for ya.

 

Either that or just MOVE ON.

 

**** that I don't chase men haha but yeah I know I'm killing myself with this thinking about him...oh Katie

[introverted1]

Britney.....with respect hun.... me thinks it's time you just move on.

 

Seriously. You said this all happened two MONTHS ago?

 

Not to dismiss your feelings, but you had two dates and some sexual play.

 

Yep.

 

OP, it's impossible to know why he moved on. We're not in his head. But the facts that you are much younger (25 to his 37) and very inexperienced (relationships, not just sex), plus 1/2 the country away (NY vs Chicago) all add up to we'll-have-sex-when-we're-in-the-same-town at best and to thanks-but-no-thanks as a more realistic outcome.

 

It would be a far better use of your time to figure out what you want from a relationship, what your boundaries are, where you can meet like-minded men, etc., than to keep picking at the "why" of this situation. For whatever reason, he'd not feeling it.

 

Good luck.

[Britney25]

Yep.

 

OP, it's impossible to know why he moved on. We're not in his head. But the facts that you are much younger (25 to his 37) and very inexperienced (relationships, not just sex), plus 1/2 the country away (NY vs Chicago) all add up to we'll-have-sex-when-we're-in-the-same-town at best and to thanks-but-no-thanks as a more realistic outcome.

 

It would be a far better use of your time to figure out what you want from a relationship, what your boundaries are, where you can meet like-minded men, etc., than to keep picking at the "why" of this situation. For whatever reason, he'd not feeling it.

 

Good luck.

 

 

Thank you for your good wishes

[Britney25]

Yeah sounds like a blueball situation for sure

 

He got a hand job so how blue balls.

[Versacehottie]

so why would he think we're not a fit? Because I denied the sex? Fuuuuck me. God I'm tired of men...how the **** can I read the signs early on? He was so on top of it before we got intimate. Then he tells me he was a little hurting after that night. Then after I texted him something flirty he doesn't reply till a week later claiming he just saw the text with hearts. I am done with him just wanted to get some advice as to why he lost interest because I'm not freaking going to ask him. I'm not needy and he doesn't owe me an explanation of course. And yes I understand he has the right to change his mind it's just so disappointing I'm not having luck with men at all. Every guy I meet just wants sex eventually from me. I don't dress provocative , I am not touchy feels to give the wrong expression, I was raised with morals because of my strict French family and ****ing I have no luck at all. I love to cook, have interesting convos, I'm such a kid at heart and everyone tells me I'm so pretty why you don't have a man? Even though it's not about looks of course because I fall for the guys personality so it hurts.

 

Oh M Gee, he just thinks you two are not a fit for whatever reason. I don't feel like you are hearing me: no, not because you denied him sex (that is the opposite of what I have been saying). Just because.

 

If you think sleeping with a guy is going to be the magic ticket to each and every guy's heart, I don't get why you don't just do that (just to be clear: it's not BTW). You are putting way way way too much emphasis on the sex. Actually if he's run away because he didn't get that or is telling you he is all hurt bc of that, he had NO intentions of really dating you in the first place. I don't ever think he was as serious about you as you think he was. And actually a guy that hangs in there waiting until you are ready or it's sufficient time, usually is thinking of you big picture/relationship-wise.

 

Don't start hating men. Just have your boundaries and standards in place. You are still treating this like it's some sort of trade, like you messed up the negotiation somehow. It's not. You weren't where you thought you were with him. Lots of us are trying to tell you how to read the signs and even when they are tougher to read, if you have your own standards in place you can protect yourself more AND be more successful with guys. OR you can keep the belief system you have and not educate yourself and do some serious introspection and keep making the same mistakes.

 

People like sex--it's part of a healthy relationship. Soooo they will all want it eventually and you will too--when you are ready. The second date is probably too soon to know a person's intentions when you are inexperienced and don't have the best track record and it will have a devastating effect on your self esteem. And when you are a virgin.

 

If you see that as the main value you are trading, guess what, you will eventually be trading that--and dealing with guys who want that and that only. Since you have all the great qualities you described above, you should take things a bit slower and it won't bother a guy who is interested in a relationship. Probably in interest of fairness and good communication, just tell future guys you date relatively soon that you don't move too fast physically and that you'd like to get to know a person better in total. You can even tell them you haven't had sex yet. A guy interested in getting to know you for real is not gonna be too phased (fazed?) by that. Actually it's a selling point because most guys don't want to make a gf out of a girl who will just sleep with anyone. But as I keep saying it is not the only thing in consideration. So is your personality, the way you treat them, a bunch of stuff. If you aren't that experienced, your dating style probably needs practice too. Not to mention, it IS somewhat of a numbers game. So date more, figure things out and the right one will come along.

[Saracena]

I agree. A HUGE bunch of baloney.

 

tasev1, you (and any man who believes as you do) are way too sensitive...which indicates to me YOU are the one who is too into yourself.

 

Just because a woman isn't ready for sex (or intercourse) DOES NOT mean her interest isn't strong enough.

 

In fact. it's probably the exact opposite. Her interest is very strong, which is why she wants to develop the emotional connection FIRST.

 

Intercourse is a very big deal to some people.... very intimate. So if a woman (or man) wants to wait for THAT, that is his/her prerogative.

 

It shouldn't preclude them from doing other sexual things to each other though....that indicate a strong interest AND attraction to each other..

 

Absolutely.

 

I've lost count of the number of threads (on LS and elsewhere) where the OP, a guy, is seeking advice on why his girfriend is holding off on sex. Invariably, in the majority of cases. all the male respondents appear to believe it's because she 'isn't into you', 'doesn't believe you're the one' or 'she's not that attracted to you'. Of course there are inevitably some instances where these suggestions are true, but it's certainly not always the case.

 

Quite often the OP is advised to dump the girlfriend first before she ups and leaves with someone else who floats her boat!

[Britney25]

Absolutely.

 

I've lost count of the number of threads (on LS and elsewhere) where the OP, a guy, is seeking advice on why his girfriend is holding off on sex. Invariably, in the majority of cases. all the male respondents appear to believe it's because she 'isn't into you', 'doesn't believe you're the one' or 'she's not that attracted to you'. Of course there are inevitably some instances where these suggestions are true, but it's certainly not always the case.

 

Quite often the OP is advised to dump the girlfriend first before she ups and leaves with someone else who floats her boat!

 

So how does this relates to me? He thinks I'm not attracted to him? But I am! That's the problem. How can't he see that? I went to bed with him right? Plus made out with him very deep! I communicated with him after that night too.

[katiegrl]

So how does this relates to me? He thinks I'm not attracted to him? But I am! That's the problem. How can't he see that? I went to bed with him right? Plus made out with him very deep! I communicated with him after that night too.

 

STOP!!!!!

 

Ask the mods to close this thread ...you are going round and round, you are going to drive yourself crazy!

 

He is NOT interested, period!

 

Please Britney, for yiure own sanity, let this go.

[smackie9]

I'm sorry I didn't reject him totally. We had foreplay come on. Plus he still follows me on social media and comments so he can't be that hurt. It was only our first time we got intimate. He can't give up that easily?

No sex is full on rejection for a guy period!

 

You are not school kids, you are adults. You don't have foreplay and no sex...that's playing games to a guy....seriously.

[Britney25]

No sex is full on rejection for a guy period!

 

You are not school kids, you are adults. You don't have foreplay and no sex...that's playing games to a guy....seriously.

 

Hmmm but if he liked me he would still persue me right? I apologized to him