Did he only want to have sex with me? Help!

[Redhead14]

I got to New York on my own and I stayed at a hotel but I didn't go just for him. I work for a hotel company so I do travel there often. So I trust him because my friend knows him for a while and they wouldn't set me up with someone who might be dangerous.

 

Well, would they set you up with a man who takes you home to have sex with you on the second date and then go silent????

[Britney25]

Well, would they set you up with a man who takes you home to have sex with you on the second date and then go silent????

 

I'm not blaming my friend for that because he didnt know he's going to do that. Maybe he wasn't into me as I thought and wanted a fun experience because he just feels attracted to me...so I don't hate him per say I'm just dissapointed. Yes she never was mine...but the things he said to me like oh I feel like we met before, I dig you, would love to see you again etc.

[Redhead14]

I'm not blaming my friend for that because he didnt know he's going to do that. Maybe he wasn't into me as I thought and wanted a fun experience because he just feels attracted to me...so I don't hate him per say I'm just dissapointed. Yes she never was mine...but the things he said to me like oh I feel like we met before, I dig you, would love to see you again etc.

 

It's nice when a man says those things and when he does, you need to sit back and observe his actions too. If the words and actions aren't in synch, there's a problem. "I love you, baby". Five minutes later, he slaps you. "I'd love to see you again", but doesn't call you again. This guy didn't even check in to see if you'd gotten home safely. No little message on FB? Nuttin.

 

And, put away the disappointment. Save that for a guy you really knew and it still didn't work out. Save it for the good ones that get away. And, there will probably be a few. Either ones that you really liked, but just weren't quite right and so you move on from them, or the ones that liked you, but you just weren't quite right for them. It's just part of dating and the search for the right man for you.

 

Treat yourself with respect and the right men will treat you with respect.

[Britney25]

It's nice when a man says those things and when he does, you need to sit back and observe his actions too. If the words and actions aren't in synch, there's a problem. "I love you, baby". Five minutes later, he slaps you. "I'd love to see you again", but doesn't call you again. This guy didn't even check in to see if you'd gotten home safely. No little message on FB? Nuttin.

 

And, put away the disappointment. Save that for a guy you really knew and it still didn't work out. Save it for the good ones that get away. And, there will probably be a few. Either ones that you really liked, but just weren't quite right and so you move on from them, or the ones that liked you, but you just weren't quite right for them. It's just part of dating and the search for the right man for you.

 

Treat yourself with respect and the right men will treat you with respect.

 

God bless you

[Versacehottie]

So what the ****? Its my fault I lost him?????

 

My opinion, for what it's worth (and someone else said something else similar) is that the "whole" answer of what happened isn't just tied up in the physical. It probably partly is. In that if there was a great amount of chemistry, he'd probably still be intrigued. I think one part of the problem is that there seems to be an assumption on OP's part that there was "something" to lose. One good date does not a relationship make. It can fall apart for many reasons. There may have never even been an intention on his part to pursue a relationship, just casual dating fun with you--as you live too far away to be much more than that for a lot of guys. I think it's far more likely that what the OP considered an attempt toward a relationship was just date one and then date two. She was in town and there was sufficient attraction to have fun for a couple of evenings. A lot of people wouldn't presume much more than that.

 

I think it's a mistake to get caught up in how much you did or didn't do physically affecting the outcome with this guy. It might have ONLY because he was never going to pursue a "relationship" with you. You don't really think if you did more physically that he would want to be in a "relationship", do you?

 

There are probably 10-20 threads in the first couple of pages alone where someone has gone on a date or two and is wondering if the person is fading, no longer interested, etc. Same-same. And most of these are guys/girls in same time zone and driving distance--thus, IMO, more within their right to presume there will be continued dating. I think your expectations about what you interactions with him would lead to were maybe overly optimistic. Also you are putting too much emphasis on social media, ie about him not getting around to deleting you meaning MORE than him not continuing to interact with you on social media. Deleting you is aggressive and unnecessary in his mind. Not interacting with you the same way he did a few weeks ago, tells you what you need to REALLY know--he is not pursuing you in the same way; pretty safe to assume his interest level is much lower than it was and that is the opposite of what happens when a guy is going to continue pursuing you. Basically FYI a bunch of people won't even bother deleting you, as if to say, you aren't on my radar or don't factor in---AND/OR that is 100% really the case: he hasn't thought about you since the last time you saw one another since it was done in his mind. Thus no liking your stuff, sending you messages OR deleting you.

 

So to answer your question: you didn't "lose" him. You didn't really have him. You both weren't on same page. I think if you are relatively inexperienced with dating, as you indicated you are, you shouldn't assume a "date" is going to be or IS a relationship. Adjust the way you behave with guys to your comfort level and personal standards accordingly--until a guy is asking you for something more "relationship-y". Good luck

[kidm]

He did take me out the first date the sofa happened on the second.

 

Do you even understand what the initial stage of dating are? Second date falls squarely under the initial stage of dating. You didn't know him and accepting a second "date" at his house was not the ideal move. Wasn't that the second time you had ever met him in person? It doesn't matter if you talked to him for eternity on Facebook and skyped with him for ten hours each day. You barely knew this man. He had no intention of going anywhere on the second date. Don't be naive. The fact that he made plans to go out and then changed them when you met to a "Netflix and chill" date was pre planned. He wanted sex. When a man is only after sex, he isn't going to make the effort to maintain contact and do the things you were expecting of him especially with a long distance lay. Even if you had sex with him that night, the end result would have been the same. He would have still faded but kept you around just enough to secure the potential for sex if you back in each other's cities. This thing was going to be a fwb situation from the start.

[tasev1]

Two things....he's inexperienced and/or desperate. I don't blame him....I'm 34 and inexperienced, so I will do what I can to escalate for that value. But in your case, going that far and not finishing meant that you gave him blue balls and he wasn't centred enough as a man to deal with it.

 

Having sex after 2 or 3 dates isn't bad, but the interaction has to be strong. Ending up at each other's homes while dating usually implies that sex will happen.

 

And finally....why shouldn't it? Everyone desires, wants, and deserves it.

[Arieswoman]

Britney25,

I would suggest you buy and read this book ;

 

 

"It's just a date" by Greg Behrendt and Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt.

 

 

HTH

[GildedLily]

Hmm so why doesn't he just forget me completely? Why doesn't he delete from social media? He knew when he was persuing me that I don't live where he does and that's why that confuses me....plus he asked me out again after our first meeting asking me when will I be back in his town. That's why I'm confused.

 

All those things take very little effort, keeping you on his FB, so when he sees you may be in his town, he can pop up and invite you out...asking you out again and nothing coming from the second date except him blaming you for not having sex is the opposite of being smitten with you. You are good for when you are in his town and it's convenient for him. I'm getting the impression you haven't yet experienced a guy who had a high level of interest in you believe me it's like day and night. They actually call you ( not text) , take you out and make you feel like the most important person in the room. They come to your town if you're long distance, they arrange dates at the end of dates. In their eyes you can "do no wrong" so you won't be hearing any of that Winey nonsense about him feeling "hurt" hold out for a guy with that level of interest, believe me it's worth waiting for.

Edited January 29, 2016 by GildedLily

[AverageJoe1986]

Well she did bring him to orgasm (and vice versa) so not sure what the problem is... Is it some sort of ego thing for a guy to stick his penis inside a woman or something... like a conquering type of thing?

 

I really just want to understand, because from what I understand about relationships and sex, through reading books written by reputable relationship experts plus my own experience.... it's perfectly acceptable to engage in sexual play... without intercourse until BOTH people are ready for it.

 

Not sure why he would feel hurt...as (and I said this earlier) he would have to be a complete moron not to know how attracted to him she was.

 

Women just don't get naked and engage in heavy sexual play with deep kissing with just any ole guy, at least most women don't.

 

She wasn't ready for intercourse yet which is her prerogative. She didn't leave him hanging or with his "tail between his legs," she brought him to orgasm, combined with deep kissing, and if that doesn't tell him how attracted to him she is....then I am not sure what else would.

 

Oh sorry, sticking his penis inside her. She wasn't quite ready for that yet...but he feels hurt even though he left sexually satisfied. Wah wah, give me a break.

 

In any event, I DO respect your opinion, I just don't agree...so let's just agree to disagree and leave it at that.

 

Agree completely. If he got a bit of hand shandy I cannot see what his problem was.

 

He just doesn't think it counts as another notch on the bedpost.

[RedRobin]

OP, you can say no at at any time for sex at any point in the process.

 

It's your body.

 

If you let someone borrow your car, does that automatically mean they get to drive it cross country? Hell no.

 

No one who tries to guilt you into anything is worth spending time with. Did he just want sex? Who cares. He sound like an *ss trying to manipulate a much younger woman.

 

11 years us a pretty big age gap. Why aren't you dating men closer to you where you live?

[Saracena]

My opinion, for what it's worth (and someone else said something else similar) is that the "whole" answer of what happened isn't just tied up in the physical. It probably partly is. In that if there was a great amount of chemistry, he'd probably still be intrigued. I think one part of the problem is that there seems to be an assumption on OP's part that there was "something" to lose.

 

I think it's a mistake to get caught up in how much you did or didn't do physically affecting the outcome with this guy. It might have ONLY because he was never going to pursue a "relationship" with you. You don't really think if you did more physically that he would want to be in a "relationship", do you? Good luck

 

 

Completely agree. I was in a very similar position once - although slightly further on in the dating process-where I essentially stopped short of full sex. However, the guy in question did come back the very next day and continued to show interest even after I'd explained how things had escalated much further than I would liked on that occasion. But then I knew from the onset, he was interested in a relationship with me.

[Britney25]

So in conclusion he did want only sex because he's not texting me at all after that encounter. Yeah I take responsibility too for not going all the way where he thought I might but since he's acting and thinking only about if he got it then he's not who I thought he was/is. Like all of you say if he wanted me he would show more action. I wish he was more communicative in saying that if I'm cool for something casual or fwb. So he's punishing me in a way too.

[Britney25]

OP, you can say no at at any time for sex at any point in the process.

 

It's your body.

 

If you let someone borrow your car, does that automatically mean they get to drive it cross country? Hell no.

 

No one who tries to guilt you into anything is worth spending time with. Did he just want sex? Who cares. He sound like an *ss trying to manipulate a much younger woman.

 

11 years us a pretty big age gap. Why aren't you dating men closer to you where you live?

 

Well I haven't found anyone interesting yet...you know.

[Britney25]

All those things take very little effort, keeping you on his FB, so when he sees you may be in his town, he can pop up and invite you out...asking you out again and nothing coming from the second date except him blaming you for not having sex is the opposite of being smitten with you. You are good for when you are in his town and it's convenient for him. I'm getting the impression you haven't yet experienced a guy who had a high level of interest in you believe me it's like day and night. They actually call you ( not text) , take you out and make you feel like the most important person in the room. They come to your town if you're long distance, they arrange dates at the end of dates. In their eyes you can "do no wrong" so you won't be hearing any of that Winey nonsense about him feeling "hurt" hold out for a guy with that level of interest, believe me it's worth waiting for.

 

Not just Facebook but he's keeping me on his Instagram too.liking me and sometimes giving me comments on there as well. He's confusing.

[Britney25]

Do you even understand what the initial stage of dating are? Second date falls squarely under the initial stage of dating. You didn't know him and accepting a second "date" at his house was not the ideal move. Wasn't that the second time you had ever met him in person? It doesn't matter if you talked to him for eternity on Facebook and skyped with him for ten hours each day. You barely knew this man. He had no intention of going anywhere on the second date. Don't be naive. The fact that he made plans to go out and then changed them when you met to a "Netflix and chill" date was pre planned. He wanted sex. When a man is only after sex, he isn't going to make the effort to maintain contact and do the things you were expecting of him especially with a long distance lay. Even if you had sex with him that night, the end result would have been the same. He would have still faded but kept you around just enough to secure the potential for sex if you back in each other's cities. This thing was going to be a fwb situation from the start.

 

OK but he did make an effort hence we saw each other again and now crickets because he didn't put the p in the v. Why wouldn't he tell me he wants a fwb?

[tasev1]

Believe me, guys can be complicated too. Having sex on the 3rd date can be seen two ways, and that is 100% on how you got there. Did the man be a real man about it, making you feel like it 'just happened', or did you feel like a s''t afterward? That's what makes the difference.

 

A lot of men nowadays want to establish a strong sexual relationship first because that is one of the biggest obstacles. There are two types: Lovers and Providers. You can go from L to P very easy, but you can't go from P to L. A provider relationship doesn't have as strong a backbone as one where intimacy was registered early (edit: assuming all else remains equal. Provider is like the friend zone).

 

Assuming I do a 100% good job at seduction, and the woman STILL wants to hold back: then that tells me her interest isn't strong enough, or she's too in herself. If she holds back now, then how do I know that she won't keep holding back throughout the relationship? I would want a woman who is centred, confident, and doesn't hold back in showing her love and her femininity.

[Britney25]

Believe me, guys can be complicated too. Having sex on the 3rd date can be seen two ways, and that is 100% on how you got there. Did the man be a real man about it, making you feel like it 'just happened', or did you feel like a s''t afterward? That's what makes the difference.

 

A lot of men nowadays want to establish a strong sexual relationship first because that is one of the biggest obstacles. There are two types: Lovers and Providers. You can go from L to P very easy, but you can't go from P to L. A provider relationship doesn't have as strong a backbone as one where intimacy was registered early (edit: assuming all else remains equal. Provider is like the friend zone).

 

Assuming I do a 100% good job at seduction, and the woman STILL wants to hold back: then that tells me her interest isn't strong enough, or she's too in herself. If she holds back now, then how do I know that she won't keep holding back throughout the relationship? I would want a woman who is centred, confident, and doesn't hold back in showing her love and her femininity.

 

Well it just happened with us I wasn't pressured or anything and ai didn't feel like crap after. He was cool too. But then 5 days after he tells me everything is OK but he felt hurt, I apologized and we were OK. Now he's not texting only active on my social media from time to time. Anyway I understand what you are saying but he doesn't know I won't give in the second time since I did go pretty far on the second date .

[RedRobin]

Believe me, guys can be complicated too. Having sex on the 3rd date can be seen two ways, and that is 100% on how you got there. Did the man be a real man about it, making you feel like it 'just happened', or did you feel like a s''t afterward? That's what makes the difference.

 

A lot of men nowadays want to establish a strong sexual relationship first because that is one of the biggest obstacles. There are two types: Lovers and Providers. You can go from L to P very easy, but you can't go from P to L. A provider relationship doesn't have as strong a backbone as one where intimacy was registered early (edit: assuming all else remains equal. Provider is like the friend zone).

 

Assuming I do a 100% good job at seduction, and the woman STILL wants to hold back: then that tells me her interest isn't strong enough, or she's too in herself. If she holds back now, then how do I know that she won't keep holding back throughout the relationship? I would want a woman who is centred, confident, and doesn't hold back in showing her love and her femininity.

 

Oh, baloney. Seduction isn't genuine intimacy. What most men with a good head on their shoulders want is a woman with good judgement. Women should be expecting the same in return.

 

Having sex early, man or woman, means their judgement is suspended. Me personally, I think any man expecting early sex with a near stranger has a habit of having no judgement and expects the woman to bear all of the responsibility. It's lazy. Has zero to do with love or anything even close to love.

 

As for the OP, I have no idea why she'd continue communicating with him. If he was looking for something casual or a FWB, then he should have said so up front. I agree with the others that she is sending mixed messages herself by agreeing to go over to his house... But no way in hell is she obligated to have sex with anyone. Ever.

 

for the record... I never have sex early... None of my relationships have EVER ended due to disparities in sexual compatibility or libido. Not a single one. People introduce a lot of unnecessary drama into their lives by having sex with strangers... Is what I observe time and time again on LS and elsewhere.

 

Anyway, OP. Consider this part of the screening process. Also, work harder to find men closer to you if you are looking for a relationship. LDR are hard enough when you know the person. Almost impossible trying to establish one that way.

[AMJ]

Why don't you try to talk to him, tell him how you feel? Of course he's giving some distance because he feels rejected- it doesn't mean he didn't have the same feelings you do. I don't think it's fair to nail you to the cross like many are doing here, for being a "tease" and going father than you meant to. Of course it's better to take things slow, but he should know that you're much younger and expect you to act like a 25 year old, which is what you did. Don't beat yourself up so much. He's probably really into you, but the distance and being rejected is making him take a giant step backward. You'd take a step back too, if you wanted sex and he turned you down.

[katiegrl]

Assuming I do a 100% good job at seduction, and the woman STILL wants to hold back: then that tells me her interest isn't strong enough, or she's too in herself.

 

Oh, baloney.

 

I agree. A HUGE bunch of baloney.

 

tasev1, you (and any man who believes as you do) are way too sensitive...which indicates to me YOU are the one who is too into yourself.

 

Just because a woman isn't ready for sex (or intercourse) DOES NOT mean her interest isn't strong enough.

 

In fact. it's probably the exact opposite. Her interest is very strong, which is why she wants to develop the emotional connection FIRST.

 

Intercourse is a very big deal to some people.... very intimate. So if a woman (or man) wants to wait for THAT, that is his/her prerogative.

 

It shouldn't preclude them from doing other sexual things to each other though....that indicate a strong interest AND attraction to each other.

 

As is what happened here.

 

To the OP...in this case, I don't think his overall interest is (or was) very high to begin with.

 

His pulling back has NOTHING to do with the fact you didn't have intercourse.

Edited January 29, 2016 by katiegrl

[Britney25]

Why don't you try to talk to him, tell him how you feel? Of course he's giving some distance because he feels rejected- it doesn't mean he didn't have the same feelings you do. I don't think it's fair to nail you to the cross like many are doing here, for being a "tease" and going father than you meant to. Of course it's better to take things slow, but he should know that you're much younger and expect you to act like a 25 year old, which is what you did. Don't beat yourself up so much. He's probably really into you, but the distance and being rejected is making him take a giant step backward. You'd take a step back too, if you wanted sex and he turned you down.

 

Thank you. I hope he will come around thou... I don't want to start the convo because it will be kinda awkward you know. It has been like 2 months since it happened.

[Britney25]

I agree. A HUGE bunch of baloney.

 

tasev1, you (and any man who believes as you do) are way too sensitive...which indicates to me YOU are the one who is too into yourself.

 

Just because a woman isn't ready for sex (or intercourse) DOES NOT mean her interest isn't strong enough.

 

In fact. it's probably the exact opposite. Her interest is very strong, which is why she wants to develop the emotional connection FIRST.

 

Intercourse is a very big deal to some people.... very intimate. So if a woman (or man) wants to wait for THAT, that is his/her prerogative.

 

It shouldn't preclude them from doing other sexual things to each other though....that indicate a strong interest AND attraction to each other.

 

As is what happened here.

 

To the OP...in this case, I don't think his overall interest is (or was) very high to begin with.

 

His pulling back has NOTHING to do with the fact you didn't have intercourse.

 

But what IF he really does feel sexually rejected by me? Maybe he thought he putt me off or something? Men are strange. But then again he would be talking to me right? It has been 2 months since it happened.

[RedRobin]

But what IF he really does feel sexually rejected by me? Maybe he thought he putt me off or something? Men are strange. But then again he would be talking to me right? It has been 2 months since it happened.

 

He's 36. Not 16.

 

You are worrying too much about this.

 

Men are not that strange. They are quite predictable most of the time, believe it or not. What I think is that he was going for something casual, and thought he could segue you into that without having any discussion in advance.

 

Two months... Just you wait... Next time it is convenient for him, he will contact you again hoping for a second round. I've had guys contact me months or even a year after I very firmly, no questions about it rejected them... Hoping for a second shot.

 

Not sure why you care that much anyway. I'd find guys closer to home turf and put this thing behind you. Unless you are looking for something casual.

[Britney25]

He's 36. Not 16.

 

You are worrying too much about this.

 

Men are not that strange. They are quite predictable most of the time, believe it or not. What I think is that he was going for something casual, and thought he could segue you into that without having any discussion in advance.

 

Two months... Just you wait... Next time it is convenient for him, he will contact you again hoping for a second round. I've had guys contact me months or even a year after I very firmly, no questions about it rejected them... Hoping for a second shot.

 

Not sure why you care that much anyway. I'd find guys closer to home turf and put this thing behind you. Unless you are looking for something casual.

 

OK yes I'm sensitive and do care a little too much...thanks again for the input. It opened my mind.