Did he only want to have sex with me? Help!

[kidm]

I don't think he's acting that way because she didn't have intercourse. I also agree that he is just not that invested and wasn't looking for a relationship (probably just some fun). He hasn't been as communicative because he is probably not interested in cultivating a long distance relationship and doesn't want to make an effort for someone he may never see again.

 

OP- he is still present on your social media because he is probably keeping you in his back pocket in case he ends up in your city one day and wants some NSA fun. Also be careful about "sofa dates" in the early stages of dating. More often than not, it's an invitation for sex. The sofa date is the lazy man's way to fast track sex. If you're seeking a serious relationship, the sofa date should be a giant red flag to you. It should signal to you a man that's not relationship material. A man that isn't ready (to actually prove himself a man) a man that isn't going to lift a finger for you (lazy) and a man that's simply seeking gratification for his sexual needs (selfishness).

[kendahke]

what is it with men that they need to ****. I gave him my body and we made out deeply isn't that enough for early on???

 

 

You're really dangerously naive. The answer to that question is "no".

 

You're not a man, so you don't understand, but there are plenty of women who have gotten themselves into very bad situations not understanding that you don't play with grown men.

 

Giving him your body, for a lot of men, means you have sex with him. Understand that. You don't wait until your clothes are off and his fingers are in you to tell you "no, I don't want to have sex" because your intentions by that point, to most guys, is that you want to have sex.

 

Give him points for not being the sort of man who would have forced you. Don't expect for him to want to seriously pursue you--there is no reward for him, so why should he bother breaking a sweat with you? He can find someone else close by who wants to have sex with him.

[Redhead14]

How did his pursuit begin if he lives in New York and you live in Chicago. How is it that you were in New York, Britney? Did you meet him on online and then agree to meet him in New York. I'm confused about how all this went down.

 

If you met this guy online and went to his city to meet him, I'd say you were set up for a once and done . . . I wouldn't be surprised if he has a steady girlfriend or maybe even a wife. Even though you went to his place, some people have apartments in the city because of their jobs while at the same time have a house where their wives and children live. That could explain why he's dropped off.

 

And, Ken, you are correct. She put herself in a very precarious position. She was lucky that this guy has some self-control.

Edited January 29, 2016 by Redhead14

[kendahke]

Don't get hung up on the social media following. I follow lots of people that I have no intention of getting with--and some I know in real life. It's probably him being bored and passing the time. Some people like to follow lots of other people, so that's meaningless.

 

What counts is that he's not blowing up your phone, calling you about flying out to see you. Look at that, not the social media mess.

[Britney25]

How did his pursuit begin if he lives in New York and you live in Chicago. How is it that you were in New York, Britney? Did you meet him on online and then agree to meet him in New York. I'm confused about how all this went down.

 

If you met this guy online and went to his city to meet him, I'd say you were set up for a once and done . . . I wouldn't be surprised if he has a steady girlfriend or maybe even a wife. Even though you went to his place, some people have apartments in the city because of their jobs while at the same time have a house where their wives and children live. That could explain why he's dropped off.

 

And, Ken, you are correct. She put herself in a very precarious position. She was lucky that this guy has some self-control.

 

Well we met through a friend and we began talking on Facebook. I didn't originally like him but then I fell for him once we began talking. I was over in NY because My career sends me there often and he took me out to dinner and was very gentleman like. After some time he asked when will he see me again and that's when we met the second time and that's what happened. Our conversations where never sexual so I though he's actually a cool guy. Yes I went to bed with him because I feel very attracted to him and I knew that I won't see him for a while so I thought why not except I don't sleep around soooo sets why I didn't feel comfortable with intercourse yet. Is that what turned him off? No sex? I feel very stupid and disappointed

[Britney25]

I don't think he's acting that way because she didn't have intercourse. I also agree that he is just not that invested and wasn't looking for a relationship (probably just some fun). He hasn't been as communicative because he is probably not interested in cultivating a long distance relationship and doesn't want to make an effort for someone he may never see again.

 

OP- he is still present on your social media because he is probably keeping you in his back pocket in case he ends up in your city one day and wants some NSA fun. Also be careful about "sofa dates" in the early stages of dating. More often than not, it's an invitation for sex. The sofa date is the lazy man's way to fast track sex. If you're seeking a serious relationship, the sofa date should be a giant red flag to you. It should signal to you a man that's not relationship material. A man that isn't ready (to actually prove himself a man) a man that isn't going to lift a finger for you (lazy) and a man that's simply seeking gratification for his sexual needs (selfishness).

 

He did take me out the first date the sofa happened on the second.

[Britney25]

You're really dangerously naive. The answer to that question is "no".

 

You're not a man, so you don't understand, but there are plenty of women who have gotten themselves into very bad situations not understanding that you don't play with grown men.

 

Giving him your body, for a lot of men, means you have sex with him. Understand that. You don't wait until your clothes are off and his fingers are in you to tell you "no, I don't want to have sex" because your intentions by that point, to most guys, is that you want to have sex.

 

Give him points for not being the sort of man who would have forced you. Don't expect for him to want to seriously pursue you--there is no reward for him, so why should he bother breaking a sweat with you? He can find someone else close by who wants to have sex with him.

 

Yes I know....he wasn't angry with me and even made plans with me the next morning and said he had a good time but silence.

And yes I don't hate him...I'm just confused.

[Britney25]

You're really dangerously naive. The answer to that question is "no".

 

You're not a man, so you don't understand, but there are plenty of women who have gotten themselves into very bad situations not understanding that you don't play with grown men.

 

Giving him your body, for a lot of men, means you have sex with him. Understand that. You don't wait until your clothes are off and his fingers are in you to tell you "no, I don't want to have sex" because your intentions by that point, to most guys, is that you want to have sex.

 

Give him points for not being the sort of man who would have forced you. Don't expect for him to want to seriously pursue you--there is no reward for him, so why should he bother breaking a sweat with you? He can find someone else close by who wants to have sex with him.

 

Btw he doesn't know if he won't have sex with me the next time so why do you say that there's no reward?

[Redhead14]

He did take me out the first date the sofa happened on the second.

 

A perfunctory first date and then the couch and then silence . . . charming. What did you do on the first date?

[Britney25]

A perfunctory first date and then the couch and then silence . . . charming.

 

I know I know....that's why I'm on here asking for advice

[Britney25]

A perfunctory first date and then the couch and then silence . . . charming. What did you do on the first date?

 

First date was dinner and a great conversation...he was asking Questions and not rushing the date. Perfect gentleman and not even a kiss only a hug at the end.

[Britney25]

Don't get hung up on the social media following. I follow lots of people that I have no intention of getting with--and some I know in real life. It's probably him being bored and passing the time. Some people like to follow lots of other people, so that's meaningless.

 

What counts is that he's not blowing up your phone, calling you about flying out to see you. Look at that, not the social media mess.

 

Well I'm speaking from experience and I know if the man doesn't want nothing to do with you he will delete you but I agree with you that he's not even texting me to say hi.

[Redhead14]

I know I know....that's why I'm on here asking for advice

 

Sweetie, it appears you've simply experienced your very first One Night Stand, and hopefully your last, unless it's something you want to do again, that's your prerogative. But, if you want to protect yourself from that happening again or at least do a better job of ensuring it, date a man for a while, observe how he dates you, and then when you are feeling at least somewhat secure about his intentions, then you sleep with him. It's still not a guarantee that he will keep dating you, but it's a better scenario anyway. My advice is that when a women sleeps with a man for the first time, especially, early in a dating scenario, she should assume it will be a one night stand until he shows you otherwise, by contacting you shortly thereafter and keeping good communication and scheduling another date.

 

It's also a good idea to have a casual conversation with a new dating partner to find out what it is they are looking for for themselves out of their dating journey. If you are looking for a long-term boyfriend as a goal and they say they only want a casual relationship, the two of you are not on the same page in terms of dating goals.

 

Even if a man tells you he's looking for a relationship, you need to observe whether he dates you that way. A guy might say that because he knows women are usually looking for that for themselves to "get in the door", but usually, doesn't date her properly. He's sketchy, doesn't keep in good touch, calls her late at night to come over, etc., etc.

 

A traveling to another city to meet a man for the first time is not a great idea. You are out of your "element" so to speak. Don't know your way around and anything could happen with a stranger. You wouldn't have friends or family to help you if you needed help. You'd be in deep doo doo if he took you for a ride and dropped you off somewhere and kept your purse and wallet, etc. It sounds like a stretch, but it does happen.

[introverted1]

Actually we were going to go out initially but he then said let's chill here and yes I went into bed with him and yes I said no to intercourse but he got everything else plus whatever happened to having a little private time and what is it with men that they need to ****. I gave him my body and we made out deeply isn't that enough for early on???

 

 

I am guessing that the disconnect is, in large part, because a hand job (which is what I think you said you ended up doing) is not seen as "sex" by most guys. In fact, many guys find HJs from a woman to be inferior to the HJ they can give themselves. In addition, the guy in question is 37 IIRC, so not a kid. I suspect he was looking for IC or at least a BJ.

 

None of this justifies his behavior... or yours. The best way not to end up in weird sexual predicaments is not to get into them (aka being naked at a man's house on date #2) in the first place.

[Britney25]

Sweetie, it appears you've simply experienced your very first One Night Stand, and hopefully your last, unless it's something you want to do again, that's your prerogative. But, if you want to protect yourself from that happening again or at least do a better job of ensuring it, date a man for a while, observe how he dates you, and then when you are feeling at least somewhat secure about his intentions, then you sleep with him. It's still not a guarantee that he will keep dating you, but it's a better scenario anyway. My advice is that when a women sleeps with a man for the first time, especially, early in a dating scenario, she should assume it will be a one night stand until he shows you otherwise, by contacting you shortly thereafter and keeping good communication and scheduling another date.

 

It's also a good idea to have a casual conversation with a new dating partner to find out what it is they are looking for for themselves out of their dating journey. If you are looking for a long-term boyfriend as a goal and they say they only want a casual relationship, the two of you are not on the same page in terms of dating goals.

 

Even if a man tells you he's looking for a relationship, you need to observe whether he dates you that way. A guy might say that because he knows women are usually looking for that for themselves to "get in the door", but usually, doesn't date her properly. He's sketchy, doesn't keep in good touch, calls her late at night to come over, etc., etc.

 

A traveling to another city to meet a man for the first time is not a great idea. You are out of your "element" so to speak. Don't know your way around and anything could happen with a stranger. You wouldn't have friends or family to help you if you needed help. You'd be in deep doo doo if he took you for a ride and dropped you off somewhere and kept your purse and wallet, etc. It sounds like a stretch, but it does happen.

 

Wow OK thank you for your time.

[Britney25]

I am guessing that the disconnect is, in large part, because a hand job (which is what I think you said you ended up doing) is not seen as "sex" by most guys. In fact, many guys find HJs from a woman to be inferior to the HJ they can give themselves. In addition, the guy in question is 37 IIRC, so not a kid. I suspect he was looking for IC or at least a BJ.

 

None of this justifies his behavior... or yours. The best way not to end up in weird sexual predicaments is not to get into them (aka being naked at a man's house on date #2) in the first place.

 

He did finger me also but he didn't ask for a bj he wanted ic. This is the first time I had this happen to me and I got turned on by him

[introverted1]

He did finger me also but he didn't ask for a bj he wanted ic. This is the first time I had this happen to me and I got turned on by him

 

OP, you sound very young. Perhaps you should think about what you want from a man you date and then act in accordance with your boundaries.

 

You might also feel more comfortable dating someone who is your age.

 

The triple whammy of older guy + lives in another city + naked in his hotel = in over your head.

 

Chalk this one off as a loss and look for a suitable partner where you live.

[Britney25]

OP, you sound very young. Perhaps you should think about what you want from a man you date and then act in accordance with your boundaries.

 

You might also feel more comfortable dating someone who is your age.

 

The triple whammy of older guy + lives in another city + naked in his hotel = in over your head.

 

Chalk this one off as a loss and look for a suitable partner where you live.

 

I'm 25 and yes I don't have much experience with men because aim a virgin. And I don't like guys my age they are too immature. Anyway thanks for your advice

[SwordofFlame]

How you behaved seems normal for a couple of inexperienced teenagers. Your guy is 37. Big difference.

[Redhead14]

I'm 25 and yes I don't have much experience with men because aim a virgin. And I don't like guys my age they are too immature. Anyway thanks for your advice

 

Well, yeah, guys your age are usually not very mature. However, if you date to far "UP", they are way more mature and smarter. Not that you aren't smart, but they know their way around a young woman.

 

I would recommend that you date men who are about 3-5 years older to get a little closer to your own age just as a matter of maybe having more in common and similar interests. But, I have to tell you, you sound to be even younger than 25 years old. I haven't seen a post from you that answered my question about how you came to know him and then meet him in New York.

[Britney25]

Well, yeah, guys your age are usually not very mature. However, if you date to far "UP", they are way more mature and smarter. Not that you aren't smart, but they know their way around a young woman.

 

I would recommend that you date men who are about 3-5 years older to get a little closer to your own age just as a matter of maybe having more in common and similar interests. But, I have to tell you, you sound to be even younger than 25 years old. I haven't seen a post from you that answered my question about how you came to know him and then meet him in New York.

 

 

I did answer you how I met him.... We met through a friend and began talking through facebook. At first I wasn't really into him bit after a month I thought he's pretty cool. So we met after 3 months of talking. No he's not married never been and had a g/f but broke up like 1 yr ago my friend told me everything. So that's why im confused and I thought he wanted more than just sex.

[Britney25]

How you behaved seems normal for a couple of inexperienced teenagers. Your guy is 37. Big difference.

 

So what the ****? Its my fault I lost him?????

[Redhead14]

I did answer you how I met him.... We met through a friend and began talking through facebook. At first I wasn't really into him bit after a month I thought he's pretty cool. So we met after 3 months of talking. No he's not married never been and had a g/f but broke up like 1 yr ago my friend told me everything. So that's why im confused and I thought he wanted more than just sex.

 

I'm sorry, I missed that post.

 

I thought he wanted more than just sex. -- Never assume . . . get clarity and early. Take time to get to know a man in person. Facebook and social media "conversations" don't count. People, and especially older men talking to or preying on young women, can be bullsh*tters. How did you get to New York? Did he pay for a flight for you? Where did you stay after the first date?

[Britney25]

I'm sorry, I missed that post.

 

I thought he wanted more than just sex. -- Never assume . . . get clarity and early. Take time to get to know a man in person. Facebook and social media "conversations" don't count. People, and especially older men talking to or preying on young women, can be bullsh*tters. How did you get to New York? Did he pay for a flight for you? Where did you stay after the first date?

 

I got to New York on my own and I stayed at a hotel but I didn't go just for him. I work for a hotel company so I do travel there often. So I trust him because my friend knows him for a while and they wouldn't set me up with someone who might be dangerous.

[Redhead14]

So what the ****? Its my fault I lost him?????

 

You didn't lose him, you never "had" him. I'm thinking that you're thinking that because you give a man sex, it means that he is going to be or wants to be your boyfriend. That is not the case. And, as far as I am concerned, this guy is a predator. Even though you are of age, it's clear that you are very naive and he took advantage of that. You haven't lost anything and you've actually, hopefully, learned from the experience, which in turn will make you less naive now -- little wiser.

 

If this man contacts you again, you would be wise not to respond in any way. Remove him from your FB contacts and block him from your phone.