Devastating first breakup after 5 years

[pseudoblepsia]

I don't really have anyone else to talk to who would understand or care to listen. All of a sudden I realize nobody I now have anything to do with has gone through a major breakup, they're all either in lifelong marriages, or in first relationships that have not yet fallen apart.

 

I got broken up with a week ago after a deep and serious 5-year relationship. It was the first time I'd ever felt that kind of connection with anyone and honestly thought it was meant to be. We lived together practically the whole time. It was my first breakup which makes this just so much worse, since I can't put it into any kind of perspective, have no experience of it getting better (yet, at least). Feels worse than I could ever imagine.

 

There were several reasons why it happened, no clear ones like abuse, cheating or addiction. Just problems with us, problems with the circumstances. I was hellbent on fixing the problems, but too little, too late apparently. The problems appeared much bigger to him than to me, although I did recognize things weren't perfect. He wouldn't ever tell me what was wrong, or that anything was wrong in the first place. That's why I feel like I've maybe misunderstood the whole relationship. How much of it was actually good, and how much of it was I imagining? He questioned several times during fights if we even wanted the same things. This was very puzzling to me, as he was never too vocal about what it was he wanted. I was vocal about what I did.

 

I can't stop thinking about his reasons even though I know it doesn't matter. Don't know whether it happened because he was just bored and didn't want to say it - his relationship track record shows similar behavior from before - or whether it was because of the specific issues, *my* issues that too often I took out on him through cranky behavior. I've been feeling like it'd be easier to bear if it'd just been boredom instead of something I did, but now I think it'd be just as horrible either way.

I'm constantly going back and forth between "This was for the best, I'm starting to get better" and "This really can't be real, this is just WRONG, my life is over". How the hell do you manage to accept what happened, only to unaccept it an hour later??

 

Anyone else feel like during the relationship, the compatibility didn't seem so 100% flawless, friction-less and awesome, but the moment it's over you suddenly feel like it was perfect and nothing else is worth anything? I suspect it's because of this withdrawal effect (Breakup Withdrawal - Solotopia). I try to think about this in a rational manner but it sometimes just hurts so bad.

I lost literally everything except my personal belongings; had to drop my studies and move to a different country. Too many major life changes at once. This is the worst experience of my life and I'm not 20 anymore, or even 25. I can now realize my dreams that I couldn't before due to the relationship but right now it doesn't seem worth anything. Can't imagine anything good coming along that's better than what we had. (I might laugh at this later, but right now I'm crying.)

 

Part of me keeps hoping he will come to his senses, realize this was a mistake he made because of his undiagnosed depression and want to get back with me. Sooner or later. At the same time I know thinking that will only stall the healing process. I also have the usual "I will never meet anyone like him, I will never be in a relationship again". During the relationship there were times I fleetingly wondered if this was really it for me. If there really wasn't anyone else I should meet. Now I don't want to meet anyone else. Despite all the differences and incompatibilities there was a true connection, though it seems only on my side? Surely he would've wanted to try if he'd felt the way I felt.

We parted amicably, hugged and kissed platonically which made it so much worse.

 

I rationally know what's happening but just can't control my emotions. I just wanted to vent, cause it feels like death. I developed a very particular identity in that relationship and now part of the other person no longer exists to me and part of me no longer exists. I'd rather have a leg amputated. Feels like a nightmare I can't wake up from, like I'm stuck in hell. A day feels like a week. When will I be able to watch the series we used to watch and laugh, instead of crying because of all the memories? Or to honestly say "if he now wanted to get back together, I'd say no?". Right now I feel like that day will never come.

[mightycpa]

I have a theory about what you're describing. Heartache is not love.. it's like love's evil twin. When your ex dumps you, at some point he kills the real love love, and heartbreak takes its place, masquerading as if it were love. It isn't. It makes you feel bad, where love makes you feel good. Heartbreak is selfish, and love is selfless.

 

You're only a week in. You seem very aware of the things affecting you now. All you can do is grieve and rid it out. And write down your story over and over, you'll see things that help you as time moves along.

 

I know it hurts, but you'll be ok. Just take all the advice you're going to get here.

[Toodaloo]

Its only 5 days.

 

The break up has caused many other life changing and stressful things to happen.

 

For now concentrate on where you will work and live. Then once you have sorted that out concentrate on healing and looking after yourself. Make some plans for yourself and figure out how you want your life to look in the future.

 

For now stay away as much as possible.

 

While it sounds trite you will get through and you will get over this. This door has closed so another can open.

[pseudoblepsia]

I have a theory about what you're describing. Heartache is not love.. it's like love's evil twin. When your ex dumps you, at some point he kills the real love love, and heartbreak takes its place, masquerading as if it were love. It isn't. It makes you feel bad, where love makes you feel good. Heartbreak is selfish, and love is selfless.

 

 

That sounds interesting and does make sense. I'm very grateful for the responses, they've helped me.

 

I always thought I would never want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. (And I don't feel like there's something fundamentally wrong with me cause I was dumped, I rather think it's about incompatibilities and different preferences) The fact that I now do want him back when it apparently contradicts what he wants, and make up excuses like "he's just depressed and not thinking straight" shows I'm very deep in this mess that always looks so simple and clear from an outsider's point of view. That I guess is normal after such a short time afterwards. I'm just so eager to get past this cause I can now do what I always wanted to, but this whole "there's no life without him" is ruining it.

 

I guess the shock's about the whole house of cards coming tumbling down after I spent years thinking that's what was meant for my life. You don't want to accept as untrue something you thought was true for a long time. Every memory of the time when everything was still fine, no matter how mundane, is now more salt to the wound.

But reading other people's experiences that sound exactly like mine helps, it makes me think this is despite everything not some unique, special love I lost.

[polywog]

Dear pseudoblepsia,

 

Everything you've just written about what happened to you - I understand Every Bit because I've experienced the same awful pain before, and had all those same thoughts about the other "coming around" and realizing they made a mistake etc. It really is the worst pain, like being hit by a truck. Maybe worse! It will feel like torture for a little while with the memories and things reminding you, seeing the person or their car, all that stuff. But you really will heal, it really does pass. It doesn't seem like it, but it's guaranteed. And you'll evolve from it, despite yourself.

 

In the meantime, just be kind to yourself and don't be hard on yourself or worry about wallowing in pain, or having obsessive crazy thoughts and feelings. It's only natural that you will, we all do. Loveshack saved my sanity when I went through this several years back, because I read threads of others going through this and it helped to know I wasn't alone. I spent hours reading and responding to people's threads and getting understanding from some people. I felt kind of decadent spending all that time on a message board, but in retrospect it was a huge comfort. Replying to threads of other people going through the same thing was a huge help, too. Good Luck - you'll be OK.

[EgoJoe]

Both people in a relationship must decide everyday to grow closer to their partner.

Life can get worse than a break up, fast.

 

Focus on you.

 

Decide to move on and you will.

The future will bring what it brings, you can wait until then to decide what to do with it.

[bettina7]

I went through the exact same thing a couple of months ago, the only difference was the we had been together for 6 years. It hit me all of a sudden and left me speechless, helpess, and desperate. I felt like I was going through hell, like I couldn't find a little relief in anything, even in the things that made me happy before. Then, after about two weeks of crying every 10 minutes and looking at my life as a worthless piece of crap without him, I slowly started to get better: I realized that I didn't have control over this breakup, that I needed to let go and respect my ex's decision. Now I can say that I feel like my healing process has ended just a few days ago, and I am whole again: I no longer feel the need to look at my phone hoping for a text from him, or to spy on him on social media, or going all paranoid over some song he would post on Facebook. I let go, and so will you, slowly. It's only been 5 days and trust me I know how sad you feel right now and this message will probably sound like a cliché after another, but you will eventually get better without even realizing it. It is too soon now, sadly the only way to heal is to feel the pain instead of blocking it out, cry all you want because it's perfectly natural, but be kind to yourself through the things that make you happy. Focus on yourself, keep busy, start a journal...It will get better

[pseudoblepsia]

I realized that I didn't have control over this breakup, that I needed to let go and respect my ex's decision.

 

Thank you! Really helps to hear stories like this. Happy to hear you got better. This has taught me a lot about myself and what absolutely not to do in my next relationship (which is not gonna happen of course, but if at some point it does...).

It's truly scary to remember how before my identity was 100% single, happy and self-reliant, until he came along. Then little by little I became like his shadow, a different person. I realized it was happening but it was surprisingly hard to stop it. I avoided taking any responsibility that I could just put on him instead, and my own life died out, it was all about the relationship. He specifically didn't want that to happen; I brought it on myself, to make matters worse. (I can partially blame the fact I moved to a new, foreign country because of him.) I suppose that's why this is extra bad now, even though I'm usually fairly good at handling change and getting used to new things.

And it's sad that I was unable to fit a relationship with this person and my own personality together in a well-functioning way.

 

I'm compulsively avoiding Facebook altogether, contrary to what I hear many do in this situation. I really don't want to see anything he posts, I would just spiral right out of control with my over-analyzing bs and feel so much worse. We're still friends on FB as I will want to stay in touch, just not in the next 2 or so months.

 

I started a journal where I write everything I feel, each day. Partly so I can get it off my chest, and partly so that I can see the actual progress happening. I'm dreaming of a day in the not-too-distant future when I read the journal and can't relate to it anymore.

[RandomTraveller]

I don't really have anyone else to talk to who would understand or care to listen. All of a sudden I realize nobody I now have anything to do with has gone through a major breakup, they're all either in lifelong marriages, or in first relationships that have not yet fallen apart.

I got broken up with a week ago after a deep and serious 5-year relationship. It was the first time I'd ever felt that kind of connection with anyone and honestly thought it was meant to be. We lived together practically the whole time. It was my first breakup which makes this just so much worse, since I can't put it into any kind of perspective, have no experience of it getting better (yet, at least). Feels worse than I could ever imagine.

 

There were several reasons why it happened, no clear ones like abuse, cheating or addiction. Just problems with us, problems with the circumstances. I was hellbent on fixing the problems, but too little, too late apparently. The problems appeared much bigger to him than to me, although I did recognize things weren't perfect. He wouldn't ever tell me what was wrong, or that anything was wrong in the first place. That's why I feel like I've maybe misunderstood the whole relationship. How much of it was actually good, and how much of it was I imagining? He questioned several times during fights if we even wanted the same things. This was very puzzling to me, as he was never too vocal about what it was he wanted. I was vocal about what I did.

 

I can't stop thinking about his reasons even though I know it doesn't matter. Don't know whether it happened because he was just bored and didn't want to say it - his relationship track record shows similar behavior from before - or whether it was because of the specific issues, *my* issues that too often I took out on him through cranky behavior. I've been feeling like it'd be easier to bear if it'd just been boredom instead of something I did, but now I think it'd be just as horrible either way.

I'm constantly going back and forth between "This was for the best, I'm starting to get better" and "This really can't be real, this is just WRONG, my life is over". How the hell do you manage to accept what happened, only to unaccept it an hour later??

 

Anyone else feel like during the relationship, the compatibility didn't seem so 100% flawless, friction-less and awesome, but the moment it's over you suddenly feel like it was perfect and nothing else is worth anything? I suspect it's because of this withdrawal effect (Breakup Withdrawal - Solotopia). I try to think about this in a rational manner but it sometimes just hurts so bad.

I lost literally everything except my personal belongings; had to drop my studies and move to a different country. Too many major life changes at once. This is the worst experience of my life and I'm not 20 anymore, or even 25. I can now realize my dreams that I couldn't before due to the relationship but right now it doesn't seem worth anything. Can't imagine anything good coming along that's better than what we had. (I might laugh at this later, but right now I'm crying.)

 

Part of me keeps hoping he will come to his senses, realize this was a mistake he made because of his undiagnosed depression and want to get back with me. Sooner or later. At the same time I know thinking that will only stall the healing process. I also have the usual "I will never meet anyone like him, I will never be in a relationship again". During the relationship there were times I fleetingly wondered if this was really it for me. If there really wasn't anyone else I should meet. Now I don't want to meet anyone else. Despite all the differences and incompatibilities there was a true connection, though it seems only on my side? Surely he would've wanted to try if he'd felt the way I felt.

We parted amicably, hugged and kissed platonically which made it so much worse.

 

I rationally know what's happening but just can't control my emotions. I just wanted to vent, cause it feels like death. I developed a very particular identity in that relationship and now part of the other person no longer exists to me and part of me no longer exists. I'd rather have a leg amputated. Feels like a nightmare I can't wake up from, like I'm stuck in hell. A day feels like a week. When will I be able to watch the series we used to watch and laugh, instead of crying because of all the memories? Or to honestly say "if he now wanted to get back together, I'd say no?". Right now I feel like that day will never come.

 

 

I feel exactly the same things. It looks like my story with the huge difference that yours was actually 5 years.

 

- I don't have nobody in my friends that can actually understand a big painful breakup: they still are in a RS or even worse they never been in one long enough to be called like that.

 

- I feel like my whole life is a nightmare where I can't wake up. I still don't believe it how fast it all happened.

 

- I lost a way too much big part of me when she left me

 

- About losing everything: my breakup costed me roughly 3K€ honestly a big amount of cash. 1.5K was lost because of her stupidity and my naivety. So during last month I literally emptied my bank account and worked almost never (I'm a freelance... so I'm not forced to work if I don't want to).

 

 

Basically a disaster: emotionally, financially, also all the projects for the future with her are gone forever. I got my projects and they will all be delayed for this ****.

 

I also had suicidal thoughts. The only reason why I never tried it is that I will never give a huge pain to who love me in my life: parents and friends.

I had suicidal thoughts not to have her attention, I had them cause, really, I still don't see anything good ahead of me.

 

I try to hold on. After 1 month and a few days I still feel like ****. She texted me 2 days ago and I spent a good amount of weekend crying for my depression.

 

It really sucks that if her will come back and ask to be together again I would probably give up and say Yes.

I keep absolutely no contact and also I'm working with my psychotherapist to make sure that will not happen (if she does come back...).

 

I feel like our stories are similar. If you want to talk about it via PM sometimes maybe we could support each other.

[NS14]

Wow pseudoblepsia, I can identify with so many of the emotions/things you're going through. It feels like I just read my own journal entry. I'm 3 months out of a 3 year relationship (first ever break up) and I remember agonising over the same questions (and I'm nowhere near healed, some of those same emotions have reared their ugly heads again in the last few weeks.)

I struggled a lot with this:

There were several reasons why it happened, no clear ones like abuse, cheating or addiction. Just problems with us, problems with the circumstances. I was hellbent on fixing the problems, but too little, too late apparently. The problems appeared much bigger to him than to me, although I did recognize things weren't perfect. He wouldn't ever tell me what was wrong, or that anything was wrong in the first place.

And in the first month, it made me think that maybe he'd just wake up one day, after the panic had worn off, realise that he'd overthought it and come back. But the reality is this: to him- our problems were major and his response was to not talk about it and then walk away. To me: our problems weren't awful and were fixable and I wouldn't even consider walking away without spending time working things through together. That is a HUGE incompatibility in tackling life's challenges. And slowly that hope of him coming back is being replaced by reality- this alone shows that we ARE two different people and LTR require both people being in it for the long haul.

 

Anyway, I don't feel like I can give any advice, just wanted to say I feel ya. *hugs* and stay strong, you're not alone

Edited January 25, 2016 by NS14

[pseudoblepsia]

Basically a disaster: emotionally, financially, also all the projects for the future with her are gone forever. I got my projects and they will all be delayed for this ****.

 

I also had suicidal thoughts. The only reason why I never tried it is that I will never give a huge pain to who love me in my life: parents and friends.

I had suicidal thoughts not to have her attention, I had them cause, really, I still don't see anything good ahead of me.

.

 

 

Thank you for sharing this, I feel you! It's a horrifying situation that a lot of people can't grasp, they think it's nothing major. Like your whole life just disappears and half of you disappears. Feel free to PM me whenever you feel like it! Hope the psychotherapy works for you, because there will be good things in your future, I know it! There's moments when I even believe there might be good things in store for myself, just can't imagine what they could be yet. My days are now full of ups and downs. There's moments I can see a future and moments when I feel like there should be a button to press to just stop existing. Hanging out with people doesn't help either because everything they have to say sounds so uninteresting and pointless.

 

I think part of the issue is how fast it happened. Wednesday one week, we're together as usual; Wednesday next week I'm out of the country, left everything behind and no longer in a RS. Moving out so fast was my decision, I thought at first I'd be able to give it some time to find a new place in the same town, but even a couple days of staying together in the apartment with a person who now was only a shell of what he used to be, was too excruciating, couldn't do it. Financially it would've been very difficult for me too, since I was full-time studying.

 

I'm also apparently unable to go No Contact. Or I might be able to but he's been messaging me to ask how I'm doing. What is their motive when they do that? Supposedly they just want to soothe their guilty conscience or find out if I'd still be there for them. But after years and years of love and friendship it feels completely wrong to simply vanish from their life, especially when there was no cheating or abuse involved. Especially since we're now in different countries (I'm in Europe as well, btw!). I'd feel even more hurt if he made no effort to find out if I'm coping at all.

I can't not reply 'cause I feel like "the best revenge is to show I'm surviving" - if I ignore his messages, it won't seem like I'm doing very well? There's probably some of that good old "if he sees me building a new life from scratch then maybe he'll respect me and want me back" fallacy in there though.

 

After only a week I'm starting to experience new phases that I didn't before. One of them is anger. I was never really angry at him until now. I just can't believe he didn't want to try anymore, can't believe he would talk to other people about our RS problems and not me. He probably got the nudge to break up from his family and friends. I was left out of the discussions completely! The whole thing is just making me so frustrated and furious at times.

 

 

Anyway, I don't feel like I can give any advice, just wanted to say I feel ya. *hugs* and stay strong, you're not alone

 

Thank you so much for your words! It's relieving to hear I'm not the only one who thought problems would go away through talking about them, not sweeping them under the rug and expecting them to mysteriously be gone that way. He really hated when I wanted to talk when I saw in his demeanor something was wrong.

Edited January 25, 2016 by pseudoblepsia

[pseudoblepsia]

I'd like to hear from anyone whose strategy in a disagreement/fight is to clam up and pretend everything is okay, or refuse to talk about it. Why do you do it? I've been wondering why he didn't talk to me.

As he strongly disliked any kind of confrontation, it got bottled up and eventually exploded. In fights, we never seemed to discuss the issues - instead, it always became super emotional and all about whose fault it all was.

I heard someone say the dumpee always learns more about themselves than the dumper. He's now been the dumper twice and never the dumpee. I think he has at least one identical experience in the cards if he doesn't start finding the fault in himself as well.

 

What he doesn't seem to have understood is that the opposite of his much dreaded fighting is not clamming up, it is discussing the problems in order to solve them. The day we broke up, he was acting down and evasive. I wanted to talk about why the atmosphere had been so strange and distant lately, and he went very uneasy and refused to talk about it. After I kept pushing, he said he doesn't see a future for the relationship. His reasons were so vague that he might as well not have said anything. "This relationship is stagnant, we're stuck in a rut". When I asked where he wanted it to go, what he wanted to happen, he couldn't answer. Sounds like boredom to me. Or depression. He said he was depressed due to the relationship but he had plenty of reasons to pick from - hates his dead-end job, can't seem to make his artistic dream career happen, life wasn't looking like he wanted it to.

I asked what he would've done if I hadn't forced him to talk about it, he said "probably just try to wait, see if it [the feeling] would pass". What the hell? If the RS was such agony that it caused him to be depressed (we had plenty of good moments, intimacy laughter daily so I feel like I've been lied to), why prolong it?

 

I didn't want to stay where we were living, and he claimed he didn't either (don't know what to believe anymore). I was always telling him I'd be out of there once I was done with my studies and was assuming we'd go together. Now I realize I probably wouldn't have had it in me to leave him even if it meant I would've had to stay in that town where I wasn't well. Sacrificing my own happiness for the relationship that I was clinging to. Now he refused to do it.

 

I feel like I've learned so much about myself, about empathy and what people go through in a breakup. But it still feels like the price I had to pay was hardly worth it.

[DarkHorizon]

I'd like to hear from anyone whose strategy in a disagreement/fight is to clam up and pretend everything is okay, or refuse to talk about it. Why do you do it? I've been wondering why he didn't talk to me.

 

I feel like I've learned so much about myself, about empathy and what people go through in a breakup. But it still feels like the price I had to pay was hardly worth it.

 

I understand you want answers, but believe me... this is just part of the withdrawal process. Honestly, these answers are not important. Block him everywhere. Stop any chance of contact, because when someone leaves you, there is really a tiny little chance of any sort of change. I can guarantee you that you don't want to go through this again, much less over and over again. A second time would be ten times more devastating than the first one. So, WHY he did what he did or behaved that way, it really doesn't matter. My ex-girlfriend left me right before Christmas, the exact same way, after four years. She wouldn't want to talk about it, and get really defensive every time I would bring up the problems in the relationship. At that time, all that matters is their decision to leave, and we have to respect it, even if now we don't respect anything else about them.

 

Yes, we learn a ton during this process. It is priceless. It is painful, but all that matters are the lessons we take from it. If you learned something from it, the relationship was worth it. That lesson makes you stronger and wiser, and you will carry that wisdom with you in your future relationships.

[RandomTraveller]

 

I think part of the issue is how fast it happened. Wednesday one week, we're together as usual; Wednesday next week I'm out of the country, left everything behind and no longer in a RS. Moving out so fast was my decision, I thought at first I'd be able to give it some time to find a new place in the same town, but even a couple days of staying together in the apartment with a person who now was only a shell of what he used to be, was too excruciating, couldn't do it. Financially it would've been very difficult for me too, since I was full-time studying.

 

I'm also apparently unable to go No Contact. Or I might be able to but he's been messaging me to ask how I'm doing. What is their motive when they do that? Supposedly they just want to soothe their guilty conscience or find out if I'd still be there for them. But after years and years of love and friendship it feels completely wrong to simply vanish from their life, especially when there was no cheating or abuse involved. Especially since we're now in different countries (I'm in Europe as well, btw!). I'd feel even more hurt if he made no effort to find out if I'm coping at all.

I can't not reply 'cause I feel like "the best revenge is to show I'm surviving" - if I ignore his messages, it won't seem like I'm doing very well? There's probably some of that good old "if he sees me building a new life from scratch then maybe he'll respect me and want me back" fallacy in there though.

 

After only a week I'm starting to experience new phases that I didn't before. One of them is anger. I was never really angry at him until now. I just can't believe he didn't want to try anymore, can't believe he would talk to other people about our RS problems and not me. He probably got the nudge to break up from his family and friends. I was left out of the discussions completely! The whole thing is just making me so frustrated and furious at times.

 

I was pretty much left out from discussions about our RS too. When she left me I didn't have a chance anymore already... And when we actually talked in person (she left me via text...) all she did was blaming me for everything.

Going no contact is essential, 90% of times is just a selfish behavior. You can't stab someone and then ask him how does it feel...

If you can read the book by Susan J Elliott

 

Also from what I saw in my situation: I passed from anger to depression a lot of times, even during the same day, it's like going back and forward continuously

 

Anyway you did well in abandoning that city immediately.. Cause probably too much things would remember you that relationship

[pseudoblepsia]

I understand you want answers, but believe me... this is just part of the withdrawal process. Honestly, these answers are not important. Block him everywhere. Stop any chance of contact, because when someone leaves you, there is really a tiny little chance of any sort of change.

 

I was actually curious in general, in terms of the potential future relationship. There are a lot of people who refuse to talk and I might just meet one of those again. I'd like to know why that is in general, not why this person in particular behaved like that. I'm curious as to why people do the things they do, especially if it differs from my own behavior.

 

Also from what I saw in my situation: I passed from anger to depression a lot of times, even during the same day, it's like going back and forward continuously

 

Anyway you did well in abandoning that city immediately.. Cause probably too much things would remember you that relationship

 

That's exactly why I left, didn't want to linger there and have all the memories take over all the time. Now I'm somewhere else and there's still loads of memories, but maybe to a lesser extent. It's not easy, but hopefully easier than it'd be where we lived.

I usually go between "I'm over this, I'm fine" and "I can't accept this happened, it's too awful". The anger is something new for me.

[mightycpa]

I'd like to hear from anyone whose strategy in a disagreement/fight is to clam up and pretend everything is okay, or refuse to talk about it. Why do you do it? I've been wondering why he didn't talk to me...What he doesn't seem to have understood is that the opposite of his much dreaded fighting is not clamming up, it is discussing the problems in order to solve them.

Well, that's not exactly me, but I'll tell you that there's years of training behind that. Much of the way that conflict is handed is learned from your parents, but the caveat to that is you might adopt their style or reject it, depending on your temperament. The other variable is just generally how comfortable you are with expressing emotion, a lot of which is also learned.

 

I think what you may not be considering is that when he gave you his bull**** reasons, that WAS his his manner of conflict resolution. I think that the other thing you may not have internalized is that you'll feel a lot better if you can find a person whose relationship styles either complement or match yours, rather than fighting to fit a square peg into a round hole.

 

Now you just have to find a way to figure that out a lot earlier. I think something along those lines should be your epiphany from this experience.

[Brando]

I feel for you and know what you're going through. You seem very cognitive of the process and situation. You will be fine. It will take time, but possibly less if you do everything you can to grieve properly and be kind to yourself. I wish you the best on your journey. You will eventually move on and be happier than you ever thought possible. If this was only your first relationship there is a good chance you will break some hearts and have your broken again. It's life. It's everyone's journey. When you put it all out there and love someone as much as you can you risk the pain of heartbreak. I wish you all the best!! Time will heal.

[pseudoblepsia]

I think what you may not be considering is that when he gave you his bull**** reasons, that WAS his his manner of conflict resolution. I think that the other thing you may not have internalized is that you'll feel a lot better if you can find a person whose relationship styles either complement or match yours, rather than fighting to fit a square peg into a round hole.

 

Sounds about right. I think my pitfall was the fact it was my first relationship and I might've focused too much on the good times (ironically, since I usually tend to dwell on the negative).

 

During the first days after I left he seemed ok, but turns out was just distracting himself with activities and drinking away the sorrow. Now he apparently thought it was about time to put an end to that and now he's struggling with the same stuff I've been processing from day 1. He's basically gone from staring at the bad stuff to remembering the good stuff, while I'm trying to do the opposite here.

 

He told me the RS had made him into a person he didn't want to be - that would sound like pure garbage, if only the same thing hadn't happened to me. It had a paralyzing effect on both of us and we were not moving forward with our lives for some reason. Stuck doing things we didn't want to do. He didn't put any blame on me for how it went down, instead he said we all choose our own actions and what we are. That's also how I see my own stagnation.

I feel a little better knowing I didn't imagine the relationship having good times, I don't feel as betrayed. There were good times but they ended up buried in all the problems that were a sum of many, many things. It's really ironic also that both our individual plans and hopes for the future are very similar, it just wasn't possible to fit them all together at this time.

 

In the past days, I've gone from not accepting and not being able to believe it's over to accepting it but thinking there could still be a chance later, when the circumstances are different. Most of me sees that's wishful thinking, a way of coping and I most likely will be able to get over this automatically after enough time passes. The thought of at the very least being friends later takes away a part of the emptiness. There's no hard feelings here and we both miss each other.

 

I wish you all the best!! Time will heal.

 

Thank you! I'm starting to believe in that.