Dating an aspiring actress

[preraph]

I think the issue isn't about whether it is a sexy act or whether it is okay because she is in character, it is about whether it is my business (as her bf) for her to lip-lock (or do something even more intimate) with another guy. I'd like to think that it is.

 

But she's not. She's acting. She's taking direction in order to do her job. Sounds like she truly is not the girl for you, though.

[preraph]

I honestly do not know how you can french kiss a guy or a girl while your hands are all over his or her body with passion and not feel a thing because you are in 'character." Just being honest here.

 

Because there's 40 people in the room and a bunch of cameras and equipment and being interrupted by direction all the time and people coming over to powder you.

 

I do agree that she will probably move on once she achieves some success because 1) you are too insecure and 2) she will meet people who aren't in her work and understand it.

[MissBee]

Stage kissing and actual kissing are two different things.

 

Running her jobs by you for your approval? That's a bit controlling and I would not advise any woman or man to give up their career for a bf or gf or let the bf/gf dictate their work choices.

 

[]She said you could be there and basically you weren't even willing to put your own preconceived ideas aside to actually see how it really is and support her, so I'd say, she isn't the one for you and you're not the one for her, as she at least needs someone who, even if he feels unsure, is willing to learn more.

Edited January 24, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[MissBee]

I honestly do not know how you can french kiss a guy or a girl while your hands are all over his or her body with passion and not feel a thing because you are in 'character." Just being honest here.

 

This isn't that far-fetched, regular women everyday fake orgasms or go through the motions of sex with men out of duty or because he wants to and feel absolutely nothing and are thinking about when he will be done. So if that happens, in regular life with people, I don't see why pretending to makeout infront of a camera is unbelievable in terms of feelings. However, perhaps you should learn more about the process of filming love scenes so you can educate yourself. It seems you're only viewing it from the finished product as a viewer where it seems seamless and romantic because of the ediitng and good acting, but don't really know what the process is like, with multiple takes, you possibly not even liking this personn or not even being attracted to this person, hot lights, a director telling you what to do, all kinds of people looking etc... When you see the production behind scenes it's really not as glamorous and romantic as it looks when all is said and done and it has been the 50th take and edit and it's presented on your screen.

 

We can all imagine how we think something is, but it's another thing to never educate yourself with experience and facts, and just decide that what you imagine is reality and then make decisions based on that. As I said in my earlier response, if you care about this person, if they invite you on set, the least you can do, esp if you admittedly have zero real life knowledge of this beyond what you imagine, is to go with them and see for yourself and open your mind before you shut it down.

Edited January 24, 2016 by MissBee

[normal person]

Kissing is just going to come with it. Not a big deal. How high quality/budget is this production? Are you in LA or NYC? If it's just some amateur production then your bigger problem is that her acting isn't really a viable career path at all.

 

I've dated one girl who an aspiring stage actor who I knew was not going to make it on Broadway (of course I didn't say this to her), she paid the bills as a waitress and was just miserable every time she didn't get called back from an audition, which was weekly.

 

I went out with another girl who used to be something of a star on broadway, but wasn't anymore and from what I could see was just wasting her time and energy trying to stay relevant to little avail. I couldn't tell if she was really happy or not but I didn't want a part of that life.

 

I went out with another who used to be on a soap that got canceled, had since gotten a job in sales realizing that trying to make any real money acting is totally impractical. She seemed happy that she found something new.

 

There are hundreds of thousands of actors and a few hundred paying roles. That's her/your problem. If I were you I'd be happy to watch her take a job where she kissed some random guy if it meant a solid paycheck. Odds are that won't happen. Just being realistic.

[SolG]

It is not like I was dating a girl from some drama school. This is a girl with a normal non-acting job who casually mentioned she may be in an independent movie. Was kind of a surprise. So anyone can say you know honey I am going to do some community theatre as a hobby and I am going to just do this with that girl but don't worry it is my passion and I expect you to support it when I make out with that girl every week. It is ridiculous to see how men-hating crowd come out of woodwork to claim everything is insecurity. Jesus Christ.

 

I actually have done some community theatre in the past for fun. And a couple of the roles did involve kissing. I must say it never even occurred to me to 'run them by' my partner at the time. What I recall actually being discussed was the time commitment as a possible issue... Nothing else :-/ I did actually expect full support. Wasn't ever a problem.

 

And I have also had the shoe on the other foot. I dated a model for awhile. He sometimes did shoots that involved very up close and personal contact with very attractive scantily clad women. And I'm sure at times he really enjoyed it! (When it wasn't on a freezing beach at dawn for the early morning light with an uncompromising and dictatorial photographer... Or the like.) I couldn't give a toss. It was his job and he chose to spend his time outside of that with me.

 

I'm actually unsure of precisely what you're concerned about OP. What exactly is the impact on you or the R that you're anticipating and worrying about here?

Edited January 24, 2016 by SolG

[kgcolonel]

mean....I think an approach you might consider is simply to learn about the parts she is auditioning for and maybe help her rehearse her scripts.....that being said, how strong is her desire? If she is overly determined to make it big, do you think she may be subject to be taken advantage of?

 

How secure is your relationship?

 

I can understand your concern there was a movie recently Broken City where the star character faced the same concern....

[Versacehottie]

I find it rather interesting that some of you just refuse to read the line 'she is not an actress, she has a regular job' or 'she dropped this bomb out of nowhere and said she is not the type of person who would run something like that by her bf." Nobody talked about cheating or trust and nobody is trying to dictate terms into someone else's life. However, I do think I have a right to control my own life and reject the idea of dating someone who doesn't have a problem being intimate "in character." It is one thing if you were dating an actress who is trying to make it in the industry (at least you would know what you are getting into) and it is another that a normal girl who happens to aspire to do projects on the side dropping this bomb on you as if it is not a big deal or my business. So the question was is it (or would it be) my business or not? The way you selectively read is concerning. So you and your friends maybe more on the feminist/men-hating side of the spectrum than I or most are, just saying.

 

I read and comprehended that part. The moment she is taking an acting job though she is being an actress even if there is little or no pay for it, doesn't matter that she has another job--she is also interested in doing this one. And in fact, it is what is bothering you. You asked if any of us had experience with it too so I was giving first hand knowledge of things you should consider in dating an actress. I am the last one around here to jump to "she is gonna cheat". Are you not seeing the acting scenes with other guys are a breach of her trust with you? I think you are conveniently ignoring some of what I have been saying--same as you are accusing me of. I gave you the benefit of the doubt. Saying maybe it hasn't been long that you have been dating so that's why this "surprise" comes out of the blue. Or if you have been dating a decent amount of time, maybe the fact that she hadn't shared her interest in acting at all is bothersome to you or feeling she duped you. I think you are at an impasse with her though--you can't really have it both ways--wanting her as your girlfriend and then trying to stifle what she can do for work or pursue as a passion. You either accept her as who she is and what she's interested in or not. No one said you needed to agree to her stopping work when she had kids either; she didn't specify "with you", and she may not realize there is a string attached to some random statement said at the beginning of dating. You can't have been dating that long if you didn't even know she was an aspiring actress.

 

I'm not feminist or man-hating whatsoever--nothing in my responses has indicating such. I'm done with your thread now. No need to put up with the hostility from your end. Was truly trying to help--hope you find the answer you are looking for and some peace

[meanthingsisaid]

Kissing is just going to come with it. Not a big deal. How high quality/budget is this production? Are you in LA or NYC? If it's just some amateur production then your bigger problem is that her acting isn't really a viable career path at all.

 

I've dated one girl who an aspiring stage actor who I knew was not going to make it on Broadway (of course I didn't say this to her), she paid the bills as a waitress and was just miserable every time she didn't get called back from an audition, which was weekly.

 

I went out with another girl who used to be something of a star on broadway, but wasn't anymore and from what I could see was just wasting her time and energy trying to stay relevant to little avail. I couldn't tell if she was really happy or not but I didn't want a part of that life.

 

I went out with another who used to be on a soap that got canceled, had since gotten a job in sales realizing that trying to make any real money acting is totally impractical. She seemed happy that she found something new.

 

There are hundreds of thousands of actors and a few hundred paying roles. That's her/your problem. If I were you I'd be happy to watch her take a job where she kissed some random guy if it meant a solid paycheck. Odds are that won't happen. Just being realistic.

 

Probably not a high-budget production (but not a graduate student movie either) and I have a strong feeling she won't be paid for the role. She might still accept because it is a lead in a romance re-make and money is not a major concern as she has a job/career that isn't in performing arts.

[meanthingsisaid]

I'm actually unsure of precisely what you're concerned about OP. What exactly is the impact on you or the R that you're anticipating and worrying about here?

 

It is just that you are dating someone (who is not an actress) and based on what you know about her you make a decision to continue dating her and be her partner. Then they tell you something new about themselves but unlike any other hobby this is an activity involves intimate situations which then changes the terms for you because maybe you wouldn't be dating her if you knew about this before. So it is not jealousy or insecurity, maybe you are a conservative guy who doesn't want to have his gf kiss (or do other things) another guy. Just preferences and values - similar to wanting to be with someone Jewish or someone with a job or someone who wants kids, etc. So this isn't about supporting a job (it is not her job) but moreso changing the terms of the relationship at some point and still act as if you are single and your behavior or things you do doesn't' affect your bf/gf and shouldn't be run by the comfort of your partner. Would you get a plastic surgery without consulting your partner? Probably not. Would you sign up for military and assume your partner will be fine with you being absent for a long time? No, right. Well, I don't understand why a new activity that involves intimacy (fake or not, paid or not) isn't my business? That is what my concern was. Not being able to see that point. Because if 'support anything I do' is the logic, anything can come up in the future and I am expected to be okay.

[Httm]

You are controlling, jealous, insecure, and in no way reasonable. Very undesirable qualities. I'd take a deep look within yourself and think about whether you are truly ready for a serious adult relationship.

[bluefeather]

Basically, if you're ok with her making out with other people for money, go with it. If you're not, don't.

 

I wouldn't pay much attention to people here who are judging you so harshly for what consists of a comfortable relationship to you. An actress in a love scene could be an embrace, a kiss, or topless dry humping. Some people still date strippers. Some marry porn stars. It's just up to what you and your partner feel comfortable with. If you don't like something, bring up your concern. The best thing you can do is communicate. But use the whole truth. For example, I wouldn't just say, "I think it's wrong for you to make out with other people while in a relationship with me." I would say, "I'm sorry, but I would not feel good being in a relationship with someone who kisses someone else. Whether there is emotion behind it or not, the action makes me feel uncomfortable."

 

Make your statement known and go from there. Either she will make arrangements (i.e. tell her agent that she doesn't want to do certain things in film), or decide that she does not want to make that choice for you.

 

Or she can try to convince you to be ok with it.

 

Whatever happens, it must begin with the truth delivered in the best possible way, from your heart.

[meanthingsisaid]

Basically, if you're ok with her making out with other people for money, go with it. If you're not, don't.

 

I would say, "I'm sorry, but I would not feel good being in a relationship with someone who kisses someone else. Whether there is emotion behind it or not, the action makes me feel uncomfortable."

 

Make your statement known and go from there. Either she will make arrangements (i.e. tell her agent that she doesn't want to do certain things in film), or decide that she does not want to make that choice for you.

 

Or she can try to convince you to be ok with it.

 

Whatever happens, it must begin with the truth delivered in the best possible way, from your heart.

 

I am certainly not okay with that and when this first came out she was trying to convince me to be okay with it. Then I stated my concern exactly as you worded some time later. I even asked how would you have felt if I was kissing another girl. She said she wouldn't be okay with it at all. She seemed to have understood my point but I am not exactly sure what she will do this summer. We'll see.

[bluefeather]

I am certainly not okay with that and when this first came out she was trying to convince me to be okay with it. Then I stated my concern exactly as you worded some time later. I even asked how would you have felt if I was kissing another girl. She said she wouldn't be okay with it at all. She seemed to have understood my point but I am not exactly sure what she will do this summer. We'll see.

 

good luck to you. hope you figure things out.