judy Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 My ex hurted me a year ago. Long story short. He cheated on me with another woman at work and basically set me up with some excueses and we broke up last April. Then I found out he moved that woman in within a week and married her within 3 months. At meantime, he did not visit his kid for 6 months because he wanted to work out the relationship with that woman. Now every time we had contact for the kid, I just kept bitting on him about past. Then we will end up big fight, cursing each other, etc. I don't want to be that way, but just can not help to be that way. Anybody tell me how to control myself?
IrrationalEmotions Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 You don't have to like him, and you probably shouldn't from the way you described things. Just keep your kid in mind when you are around him. You are doing it for the child, not for your ex.
dgiirl Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 Something I'm using to help me control my reactions is if I go insane on his a$$, I only re emphasis the reasons why he left. I'm better than what he thinks of me and I dont want to give him any reasons to feel justified in leaving. I read somewhere that a man tells the other woman how much of a mean nasty person his wife (exgf) is, and it lets the ow feel like she's rescuing her prince. When you act irrationally, it helps the ow play out her role and it keeps them together. If you keep your dignity, you break that illusion, you feel better about yourself, and hopefully break them up Setup some communication guidelines. Can you speak through email or a family member? Try and cut down all the in person/verbal contacts as much as possible until you can get over your feelings.
Author judy Posted June 7, 2005 Author Posted June 7, 2005 Basically, we don'thave any contact. He let his wife, my kid's step mom now, to pick my kid up and drop him off, so we don't have to contact each other. That makes me awful everytime I see her. Then last weekend, my son kept crying whenever he heard her name when she rang the door bell and can not stop crying. I then send my ex an email telling him what is going on and wonder what is wrong. I basically don't think he would stand up protecting my kid, instead just want to please that woman. THen that woman saw the email (he let her see all his correspondences with me so she felt more secure --- because I told her he lies about everything). And of course they and me had big fight. THen all those fight will bring up past, etc. I just don't want to be that way. Do I have the right to worry about how she treated my son? and why my son cried whenever he heard her name? AM I overact about the cry? and why his father so protective for the OW but not his own son? THe only reason I can tell is he is too much into that woman not his son.
WantanS4 Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 Time to disappear... look for a lawyer.. gain full custody... and excuse him from your sons/daughter's life.
dgiirl Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 I know you must be worried for your son, and hurting when you see the ow. You have every right to feel angry. Clearly you and your ex have communication problems. Looking at your situation objectively, and only based on what you've written so far, the only reason I could possibly think a father would be protective of the ow over his own son is because he's perceiving you attacking the ow. Please be assured I'm not saying you ARE. I'm just saying he's probably perceiving it that way, hence the reason for communication problems. I'm experiencing communication problems with my stbxh. Everything he says, I react, and we end up getting pissed at each other. It took me a long time before I could even start to analyze the problems in our conversations. I definitely need a lot more experience, but one thing that is helping me after an encounter with my stbxh is to replay the dialog in my head objectively. Try to analyze what he must have felt when you said something, and vice versa. Try to see if he could have meant it any other way, and try to see where things start to escalate. It's really really hard to stop yourself in the heat of the moment, trust me I know this. But with practice you can do it. Try to limit the conversations, try to put more assertive statements instead of agressive statements. I had to read up on the difference between assertiveness and agressiveness. When dealing with my stbxh, I stick to the facts. But if he says something that upsets me, instead of saying "You're a jerk", I say "I'm feeling angry right now, let me get back to you". Also, things dont need to be addressed when you're upset. Take a few days before you address things. If you're angry, dont talk/write to him. Wait until you're not angry anymore. Also, I dont know what kind of guy your ex is, but is it possible you guys could talk openly and say something along the lines of "I'm really tired of getting into arguments with you. I'd really like to find a way to communicate with each other where neither one of us feel like we're being attacked" If he's decent, he'll appreciate your honesty and try to work things out. There's a little give a little get a little game that needs to be played. When your ex does something, thank him for it. When he thanks you, even if he's being sarcastic, just say "you're welcome". It'll throw him off guard because you're not getting pissed. You didnt say if you were married or how long of a relationship this was. It really doesnt matter, but if you're still hurting over the relationship, maybe seeking counselling would be a good thing? It should give you the tools to help communicate more effectively with your ex, and also help you understand your own reactions to things. I found couneslling an amazing experience and has truely opened my eyes to my own problems and talking with people. It's really hard to implement, but knowing the tools is half the battle.
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