mearl20 Posted January 23, 2016 Posted January 23, 2016 My boyfriend and I have been dating almost one year. He's great, he's everything I could ask for in someone (sweet, gentleman, handsome, laid back, dedicated-I could go on and on). However, since I am his first serious relationship, he doesn't always get my feelings or realize things he does sometimes hurts me. For example, he's in the military and there was a ball coming up. He first invited me to it and then said later he couldn't go due to a school (for the military). I was bummed but I was ok and we made plans to do something else after his school anyways. Then the day of the ball his boss and other guys said they were getting off early so everyone could go and that he needed to go even without a ticket. He told me he was going only for a short time then was going to meet me and we would go somewhere else together-again I was fine with this as well. Then later he never came to meet me (we happened to be at the same hotel) after and he went back with his friend and went to dinner with his friend. That's when I got upset because he kept pushing it off and seemed like he didn't want to see me. I also ran into his friends and their gfs dressed up who asked if I was going and I said no then they saw my boyfriend there by himself so I was slightly embarrassed. We called and talked and worked everything out and he said he didn't mean anything and he never meant to hurt me. Also we only see each other once a week (live 1 hour away from each other) talk once a week and he's about to leave in a month for 9 months (deploying) where we won't see each other at all and barely can talk. So I also got upset that it seems like he doesn't want to see me yet we don't see each other that often. Am I just overreacting? What do I do and how should I think?
dobielover Posted January 23, 2016 Posted January 23, 2016 At first I was going to warn you about the flexibility needed when dating a guy in active duty, but then I got to the part about him going without you without a ticket, never coming up to get or meet you, and basically avoiding you. No, you're not over-reacting. Something is amiss here. 2
Author mearl20 Posted January 23, 2016 Author Posted January 23, 2016 Thank you! Yeah and I understand he's busy all the time and has his routine. He has a stressful job so I hate being upset or annoying him when I feel upset. I think this is also why we don't see each other much or talk much because he's busy during the week and I hate bothering him. But since he's leaving soon I'd like to see him more before he goes. I talked to him and I think he just didn't understand. And when I talked to him, he didn't even realize I was upset and was confused that I said I felt like it was a brushoff. He said he was changing out of his uniform then was going to meet me but then he went to dinner with his friend because I was already at dinner and he needed a ride (even tho originally I was giving him a ride). I offered for him to go to dinner with my family, or at least get a drink with me or say hi but he already left with his friend. Idk why but even after talking to him, I still feel upset. 1
dobielover Posted January 23, 2016 Posted January 23, 2016 His stressful job has nothing to do with his behavior that night though, when he knew you were up waiting in the hotel, so please don't use it as an excuse. His friends all had their girlfriends there, if anything just the sight of them should have been a little reminder, if he'd had a slip of the mind and got caught up hanging with his battle buddies. I see he's deploying soon. BTDT, twice. He may be trying to create some distance or breakup beforehand. You have to have a very strong relationship to make it through a deployment, it's not for the weary. Honestly, I'd let this one go. 2
angel.eyes Posted January 23, 2016 Posted January 23, 2016 (edited) At the end of the day, you need to take a serious look at whether your needs are met in the relationship and whether you feel (emotionally) safe and wanted in that relationship. Someone can be a wonderful guy, but not the right guy for you. In your shoes, I would have moved on after the whole ball fiasco and being ignored/avoided that night. It was clearly a "couples" event and he chose to go alone and just hang out with his friends even though they all had dates. It's a clear message about where you stand in his life. But I'm not you. You ultimately have to decide what works for you. You have a second challenge. Your relationship is pretty tenuous. At a year, you're still only communicating and seeing each other once a week. It never progressed! He's going to be deployed for nine months. He's not invested and only minimally engaged in your relationship as it stands. I just don't see it surviving when he eventually gets back. You may hang around. But he's going to act single while deployed (as he did the night of the ball), and behave in much the same way once he returns. I think you're emotionally invested, way more than he is. You're trying to overlook poor behavior/lack of interest by excusing it away as lack of dating experience and stress. Lack of dating experience doesn't make you disinterested in communication, seeing someone, or taking someone to an event where your buddies will be present with their girlfriends. He went to the event ALONE. How is that because of his stressful job? Edited January 23, 2016 by angel.eyes 2
StBreton Posted January 23, 2016 Posted January 23, 2016 This guy basically blew you off not once but twice ... Even if he didn't realize the first time with the ball, he then said he'd meet you and didn't honor that commitment. Stress or no stress, this guy doesn't act honorably to YOU. That wouldn't be ok with me. How is it all the other girlfriends were able to get dressed and go to the ball? Their boyfriends acted honorably and kept them in the loop about the plan. I don't buy this guy's excuse. If you continue to let him slide, expect more of the same. You are not over reacting ... In fact I'd tell the guy your time is worth a lot and let him know how he handled things sucks ... And bid him adieu. Guy needs a wake up call re dating and respectable behavior. Go ahead and give it to him. Sorry you missed out on the ball. Go find a nice guy who'll treat you honorably. 3
Mjm1014 Posted January 23, 2016 Posted January 23, 2016 You aren't over reacting one bit. As a guy, if I truly cared about someone there's no way I would have let any of that happen. That's sad...I'd ditch the dude and find someone more respectful 1
Satu Posted January 23, 2016 Posted January 23, 2016 He doesn't care about your feelings as much as someone in a "serious relationship" should. You know that already. Time for some serious and realistic thinking on your part. Take care.
candie13 Posted January 23, 2016 Posted January 23, 2016 I think there's a time to reason with your heart and a time to reason with your head. You may be together for a year, but you are in a long distance relationship. Long distance RS can only work if there is a clear plan. Did you guys talk about this or are you winging it? Looking purely at his behavior, he is not acting like a boyfriend. He's not even acting like a man you are dating and he is putting you in some awkward situations. Do the math, sit down and think where this is going and if you like his behavior. While I believe it is great of you to be this understanding, you will need to think if this situation and his behavior is making you happy, if he meets your needs of connection, if you trust him and if you are comfortable with the way things are. Just be careful about how and with whom you're spending time, ok? You won't always get these years back. Make sure that you stay happy and not blocked in some weird situation. Stand up for yourself and call a spade a spade, ok? No one else will do it for you. 2
spriggan2 Posted January 23, 2016 Posted January 23, 2016 Maybe he didn't want you to meet his friends yet? I dunno. But I agree with the sentiment that he's not treating you right. I mean same hotel and he blew you off? I just got out of my first relationship and I was obsessed with making sure I didn't hurt my gf. I expect most guys would be like that, but who knows. 1
Maggie4 Posted January 23, 2016 Posted January 23, 2016 Doesn't fit in with the "gentleman" bit in your description of him. He doesn't even need to care about you. He needs to know how to keep his word and how to treat a lady. 2
brothers343 Posted January 23, 2016 Posted January 23, 2016 His leaving for deployment.....not many girlfriends or wives can handle that part. Either he will break up with you or in those 9 months his gone you will find a new way of life and he will be gone from your memory. I'm just speaking the truth. Have your fun but I wouldn't get cought up on all hoopla. Good luck. 1
preraph Posted January 23, 2016 Posted January 23, 2016 Something's not right. I hate to say it, but it doesn't sound to me like he's serious about you. He'd be showing you off and wanting to be with you while you're there. It's not right. He very well may have had some other woman he was hoping to see or did see. Or he may just not want to trot you out as his serious girlfriend, but it's not good. Sorry.
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