From Soulmates to Breakup in a Month

[Eyebrows]

I was dating a wonderful woman for 4 months. Things seemed to be going well but she broke up with me last weekend.

 

She says she doesn't feel the same way as she did at the beginning, that she loved me, cared for me, will miss me and miss texting me, has always enjoyed my company, but doesn't love me in the same way she did at the beginning.

 

I guess I lost her attraction, but I'm not sure at what point.

 

She started off very intensely. Three weeks in she wrote in my birthday card how I made her happy when she hadn't been for so long, that when she was in my arms the world melts away and she saw a future she never dreamed possible and to be her baby forever.

 

I had booked some travel before we got together. She kept asking about prices and coming. She said she would 'ruin it for me' (she ultimately did) but I didn't want her to not come. We didn't see each other for 7 weeks while I did a voluntary position abroad. In this time, she was really upset when we would FaceTime because she couldn't reach out and touch my face. She kept talking about how scared she was of messing things up, how she can't wait to tell me she loves me in person.

 

I meet her in Prague. She looks so happy to see me, we get back and she starts crying about how homesick she is because she misses her parents. This continues for a few days until I suggest we book flights home. I had saved for this trip for 12 months and changed it so she could see Rome and Venice, but I was more concerned about her than anything.

 

When we get back she won't stay over anymore. She says she feels unsexy because of how she was when we were away and because of issues with the pill. Then she won't stay on NYE. I try and send sexy messages because she used to love them but she doesn't want me to. I send her flowers because I know she has been really down on herself. She calls me amazing. Still won't stay over on NYE, but we meet up for a meal and cocktails. She suggests a toast to us and when I'm leaving her at the bus stop she says she 'wants to watch me go' and blows me a kiss.

 

I don't know what it was, why she lost sexual attraction or feelings for me. I wasn't her first, but she was a virgin before this year and I know that I gave her her first orgasm. She'd also never sent sexy messages before - they were really intense and really explicit.

 

Last week I tell her I love her and she doesn't say it back. She's done it a bit so I ring and ask her what's wrong because it doesn't look like she's going to want to spend Valentine's Day with me either. She says she doesn't want to be in a relationship, that she's tried and tried but doesn't feel the same as in September.

 

Isn't this just the natural progression of a relationship? I *tried* to make it exciting for her but it was as if she wouldn't let me.

 

Then she texts and says she knows she's "never going to feel the same way about me". Now THAT stung. I can understand not wanting sex, I can handle her being overwhelmed by a relationship. But that was hard to hear.

 

It was hard to hear because she text me the week before to tell me that she loved me. Because the week before I told her about a look she gave me that makes me feel really loved and she said 'get used to it, you're going to be seeing it a lot'. And then this.

 

She used to say we were soulmates, joke about how I was going to propose and what we would call our kids. She used to say how she couldn't wait to lie in my arms and gaze into my eyes. Kinda cheesy stuff, but still nice to hear until I think back on everything that's happened. She just met my parents a month ago, squeezed my hand the whole time and looked so proud when I said that they loved her.

 

Met her the day after the phone call. She tries to link my arm walking to the quiet cafe I'd picked to talk to show that 'she does care'. She cries the whole time. The next day she accidentally calls. I don't pick up, try to ring back and she texts saying 'Sorry, she was reading my last message and wanted to know I could text her anytime'. I rang her the next day too and got a bit off my chest about how she was throwing away a real connection, that I felt because she hadn't had a real relationship before that she didn't know what to really expect.

 

I told her I think it's a mistake, that she'll eventually regret it because not many people will have been as patient and understanding as I've been. She even said herself that I've given everything to the relationship and she's given me nothing. Then I rang her yesterday too. I know it was stupid, I know that I should not be in contact at all but I thought maybe something would have resonated with her. However, she doesn't want to get back together so I've deleted her number (wrote it down and put it in a safe place with all the presents she bought me) from my phone, removed her off FB.

 

She turned 23 in October so she is pretty young. She has some issues with her parents, her mum is pretty depressed I think and she never told them we were in a sexual relationship. Didn't even tell them we were in a relationship at all until she was going to come away with me and had to - used to say she was staying at a friend's house.

 

She has said she has never had attention from men before, that she never felt sexy or beautiful before meeting me. That I was her rock. And I'm thinking, why would you want to throw that away? It felt like she never tried to work on it with me - say she came over NYE and we spent a night together, it could have rekindled things.

 

Everybody I've talked to about this, strangers on message boards like this, family, friends say it sounds like she is emotionally immature and doesn't know what she wants. That her clinginess and neediness at the beginning (wanting to text constantly - and when I saw a message on FB from her that said 'Aww lovely' I thought there was nothing to reply to, went in the shower for 15 mins and she was upset I'd seen her message and never replied) was a warning sign and that it was always doomed because of that. At the time, I just enjoyed her saying all those things. We were friends for a couple months before dating.

 

Maybe in the 7 weeks away she built up an unrealistic portrait in her head of what I would be like and what the trip would be like - but she was the one crying on the first night, so it's not my fault that didn't work out.

 

And despite everything I would take her back in a heartbeat which probably makes me a fool.

 

I still think about her buying me a photo album for my birthday, with a photo from our first date which she said was her favourite photo - she wrote inside 'To the start of our adventures, may we wander together forever'. To go from that and calling me her soulmate to this - does it make sense to anybody else?

[Toodaloo]

"Everyone" is right.

 

This girl fast forwarded everything and you got swept away.

 

Try to look at it this way. This girl hit a nerve. She gave you a glimpse of the things that would make you feel happy. However when it came down to it she was unable to sustain them. Therefore you are now mourning what could have been rather than what actually was.

 

Dust yourself down, pick yourself up. This girl is not who you thought she was.

 

The good news is now you know you can look for a girl who actually is all of these things and move forward from there.

[Satu]

It looks like she was Limerent and then it wore off.

[LostOnes05]

I went through something similar months ago with a woman. Nope doesn't make sense and it isn't fair. What you have to remember is that you did all you could. If someone isn't willing to,at least, meet you half way then they can't be a good partner. The whole idea of not communicating her feelings appropriately says that she is a poor communicator. If they can only give I love you's, but can't express dissatisfaction appropriately there's a problem. This type of person will bottle up anything that is wrong and keep you at a distance until things are irrevocably damaged. Move on bro and don't take her back (if she should come back), you'll regret it especially if the communication issue and sudden switch of feelings isn't addressed by her. No contact will be your very best friend to deal with this situation.

[Satu]

OP:

 

Google 'False Forms of Love.'

[Eyebrows]

It looks like she was Limerent and then it wore off.

 

I'd never heard of limerence. She may have it. I don't know if that makes it worse because it implies she never really loved me and it was all an obsession. If only she could have always looked at me that way.

 

I've started no contact today. I work with her, but we're on different floors so I shouldn't see her at all.

 

One thing I should add - she doesn't really do anything. She has three friends that she's talked about who live close by. Two are twin sisters. She doesn't see them often. Whenever I'd asked about her day, all she ever did was go shopping with her mum and cook. And it was always stew or corned beef pie (not even any variation in the pie!)

 

I wondered if she was simply looking for somebody to fill the hole and if she'll try again if she doesn't find somebody else. I have no idea if she'll try and get in touch. Because I don't know if anyone else would have had the patience to deal with how's she been and understand the closeness with the parents. I keep getting told that a lot of guys would have bailed by now.

 

Right now, I still love her. We really were so similar in many ways and I don't think she'll find someone quite so similar. It sounds bitter but I hope she regrets it and realises that the connection we had is so rare and unusual that she's thrown it away.

 

Thanks for your messages. Here's to hopefully feeling better in 30 days.

[Satu]

Many people don't know the difference between:

 

Being obsessed

Being attached

Needing

Wanting

Loving

 

These are not different names for the same thing, but many people think they are.

 

 

Take care.

[Toodaloo]

One thing I should add - she doesn't really do anything. She has three friends that she's talked about who live close by. Two are twin sisters. She doesn't see them often. Whenever I'd asked about her day, all she ever did was go shopping with her mum and cook. And it was always stew or corned beef pie (not even any variation in the pie!)

 

I wondered if she was simply looking for somebody to fill the hole and if she'll try again if she doesn't find somebody else.

 

Right now, I still love her. We really were so similar in many ways and I don't think she'll find someone quite so similar. It sounds bitter but I hope she regrets it and realises that the connection we had is so rare and unusual that she's thrown it away.

 

Thanks for your messages. Here's to hopefully feeling better in 30 days.

 

Well that kinda tells me that she was using you as entertainment. Sad but...

 

That would have got very dull very quickly.

 

You think you are similar in so many ways... reading between the lines I don't think she has any clue who she actually is and she just "moulds" herself to whoever is there at the time.

 

I should keep it up longer than just 30 days. In 30 days you will realise why I say this and you will feel happier in yourself.

 

Chin up chook.

[Itspointless]

Sometimes people are in need for a dream. You gave her that chance until she wanted to wake up.

 

You definitely are not the only one with patience. It can be a very good trait and unfortunately many guys and girls lack it. But sometimes we need to wonder if patience is appropriate (there are many forms that are not). I got to little info on that to say something about it, but she sounds a bit emotionally unstable and not only because of the vacation. To reference back to my first sentence, often people do not want what they think they want. When girls still are 23 that is even more of a gamble. Her running away can mean many things, unfortunately now you know she is not up to it yet.

[ty10]

Eyebrows your story is in a way so similar to mine. Same age, roughly the same time frame and the same outcome too.

 

In 6 weeks it went from being 'I can see us having a future together' to 'something's changed and it isn't the same as it was'. A huge shock to me as her mother had told me the day before she'd never seen her so happy.

 

All I can say to you is in your original message you spoke of the emotional immaturity and I fully believe that is the case, speaking from personal experience.

 

One day you'll look back and see her in a different light - it took me a few months but now in the girl I used to once adore, I see an immature selfish person who follows what her friends do rather than being the person she is.

 

Go NC, stay NC and just focus on being a better you.

[Amelie1980]

I'd never heard of limerence. She may have it. I don't know if that makes it worse because it implies she never really loved me and it was all an obsession. If only she could have always looked at me that way.

 

I've started no contact today. I work with her, but we're on different floors so I shouldn't see her at all.

 

One thing I should add - she doesn't really do anything. She has three friends that she's talked about who live close by. Two are twin sisters. She doesn't see them often. Whenever I'd asked about her day, all she ever did was go shopping with her mum and cook. And it was always stew or corned beef pie (not even any variation in the pie!)

 

I wondered if she was simply looking for somebody to fill the hole and if she'll try again if she doesn't find somebody else. I have no idea if she'll try and get in touch. Because I don't know if anyone else would have had the patience to deal with how's she been and understand the closeness with the parents. I keep getting told that a lot of guys would have bailed by now.

 

Right now, I still love her. We really were so similar in many ways and I don't think she'll find someone quite so similar. It sounds bitter but I hope she regrets it and realises that the connection we had is so rare and unusual that she's thrown it away.

 

Thanks for your messages. Here's to hopefully feeling better in 30 days.

 

Satu is way off about limerence.

 

It is best not to read a blog about it written by a teenager, which is the link satu provided.

 

Limerence is an overwhelming obsession with someone to the extent where you neglect yourself and your own life thinking of them.

 

but here is the catch...limerence only exists in a climate on non-reciprocation. So you dont get limerence over someone you can have and who is your partner. You only get it where the person has given a potential view of a future together and then backed off or blow hot and cold.

 

I got limerent over someone who future faked and blew hot and cold with me. It became an overwhelming obsession for me and my life revolved around when he would come back next, whether he would follow through on what he said, when i would see him next.

 

The person with limerence is never the one who isnt sure about the relationship and ends it. Hell no. The person with limerence is the one who will do anything to keep it going.

 

Limerence is like drug addiction. Wanna know how bad it is? My last guy treated me like utter crap. But months later I think of him every minute of every day. Even now. It hasnt gone away.

 

This girl wasnt limerent. She just realized she didnt like the OP as much as she thought. I would have given almost anything to get to travel with my limerent object. The fact that she didnt enjoy it much says she just wasnt enjoying herself.

Edited January 24, 2016 by Amelie1980

[Eyebrows]

As an update:

 

I didn't do no contact, stupidly. I felt like to gain closure I needed answers. I asked her why she had gotten me a three month anniversary card and met my parents if she had no feelings. She said she had feelings but didn't understand them, that she was confused after the trip, that she was proud to meet my parents because she cares a lot about me.

 

I asked why she continued telling me she loved me two days before the break up. She said she was trying to make it how it was.

 

I asked "in the beginning?"

 

She said "when I thought we could live together and spend years together". Which was how she felt after about a month together.

 

Something happened on the trip obviously being around me for 24/7 must have made her think I wasn't the one for her. But I tried and tried and it was hard to make it fun after she cried after about an hour and wasn't happy until she knew she'd get to see her parents again. But while we were away she said she felt like we were a proper couple now with the snuggling, playing games, watching films in bed.

 

She says she loves me but in a different way, platonically I guess. That is something I could understand if we hadn't been going out, if we were friends and I had asked her out. But we shared so much together. We opened each other up sexually and we opened each other up emotionally, she always said she'd never been as intimate with somebody and never told anybody about some of the things she told me. I can't understand how doing all that and experiencing all that leads to a loss of feeling rather than consolidating feeling. And she told me she struggled with dealing with the emotions because she had never felt so deeply for somebody. Maybe it was just infatuation. Or she had an image in her head if what I was like for the 7 weeks we didn't see each other that I could never live up to.

 

I don't think it'd limerance. The above poster is right, she just doesn't love me like she thought. But all the talk about how I was her soulmate, her prince, her world after a month has made this harder than it needed to be.

 

Either that or she loves me but doesn't recognise it as love. She says how much she misses me, talking to me and my company, that she cares about me very deeply. I wasn't expecting her to want to move in or be forever at this point. 4 months is still quite soon to even be saying 'I love you'. She said "we'll always have that connection" and agreed that it's rare and special.

 

But what we had was two people who have been as intimate as you could possibly be, who care for each other deeply, miss each other and I would have thought that would be enough to build a foundation on.

 

Man, that trip was a mistake. I knew it was too early but she wanted to come so much, used the money she was saving for a car to come. And she'd cry on FaceTime because I wasn't there, she'd get upset over everything because she couldn't be with me.

 

Lesson learned I guess. I've never known someone fall in love so quickly and so intensely with someone then fall out of love so quickly again.

[FTM042014]

I am almost 8 months into the fallout of having a woman do something similar to me. Speed into it, make it seem like I am the best thing ever, state some strong feelings, paint a future and bam...lose those feelings out of nowhere. She is 27 and I am going on 34 though.

 

It is a sign of emotional immaturity mixed with selfishness and a dash of insecurity. Toxic recipe. I believe women like this cannot be alone. They need men to want them to feel better about themselves. Can I ask did she have any friends? I mean good, true friends that she had before you came along. Friends that she took time to be with even when you were together. Or was her entire social life pretty much centered around the relationship?

 

I came across a legit blog called Baggage Reclaim when I was desperately searching the internet for answers after I was suddenly dumped. It sounds like you were Fast Forwarded by a Future Faker.

 

People like this move at light speed on a quest for that "high" and when it inevitably fizzles out they disappear to find the next source they can suck dry. They are emotional vampires. My girl looked at me one day after we got home from dinner and said I don't have that giddy feeling anymore. I just about died. No warning signs. No huge red flags. No communication of this before that very second. In the blink of an eye she was gone and it seemed so easy for her to do.

 

People may try to tell you it wasn't that long of a relationship so you should be moving on by [insert length of time here] but I now believe it is not about how long someone was in your life but the impact they had when they were there.

 

The biggest takeaway for you should be slow down next time. It takes time to get to know a person. At least a good year I think. You need time to know their faults. Their ups and downs. And then make a decision on whether or not that changes how you view them. You cannot do all of that in a matter of months. Ultimately this is a reflection of her, not an indictment of you.

 

My ex went from dating a guy she worked with to me to an ex from way back with no more than 2.5 months between each. She went from reconnecting with me to the old ex in less than 2 weeks. I remember hearing her voice on the phone as she talked about him and sure enough she had that giddy feeling. You could hear it. It was almost like she was in a trance. She was convinced he was now that guy for her. Same as I once was. It's sad really.

[Eyebrows]

She doesn't have many friends in general. Three locally that she meets up with and two of them are sisters. Then there's a couple she sees every so often from uni in other cities. No family either just mum and dad.

[Toodaloo]

Eyebrows.

 

Just walk away.

 

I don't think this girl likes reality all that much. She seems to be classic "Disney Princess".

 

Seriously dude quit winding yourself up. Just let it go. She doesn't want you. No matter what the reason the outcome isn't going to change.

 

Go no contact and do it properly for your own sake. Make it 60 days instead of 30.

 

Chin up chook. This ones actions did not match her words. She fed you a dream she couldn't keep up with.

[Itspointless]

I came across a legit blog called Baggage Reclaim when I was desperately searching the internet for answers after I was suddenly dumped. It sounds like you were Fast Forwarded by a Future Faker. [...] People may try to tell you it wasn't that long of a relationship so you should be moving on by [insert length of time here] but I now believe it is not about how long someone was in your life but the impact they had when they were there.

I personally dislike terms like 'future faker' or 'emotionally unavailable'. It gives strength to the other party (that feels victimized) , but it makes reality flatter and more linear than it ever is. A relationship is about a dynamic where two are involved. The fact that someone who fakes a future is listened to by the other is just as important and with that telling about the listener. I personally find more answers in adult attachment theory and/or reading about concepts like codependency for example. In this case next to attachment theory some reading about love-addiction might give you some clues: in attachment theory many of the ones that are anxious attached - but not all -are love-addicted.

 

I fully agree with the second remark, but reality dictates that moving on is the best thing to do for OP.

Edited February 1, 2016 by Itspointless

[FTM042014]

In this case next to attachment theory some reading about love-addiction might give you some clues: in attachment theory many of the ones that are anxious attached - but not all -are love-addicted.

 

Just for clarification are you referring to the dumper or the dumpee here? Or both?

[Itspointless]

Just for clarification are you referring to the dumper or the dumpee here? Or both?

Well, looking to attachment theory the attachment-style of the other also says something about you, in the way you perceive the other and often also why that other person attracted you in the first place. It makes certain behavior visible that people can trigger in each-other depending on their attachment-styles. Those styles refer back to the way our parents took care of us when we were young. It is a focus that doesn't blame, but does explain a lot.

[Eyebrows]

In terms of attachment and love addiction. I'd never had somebody saying all these things before to me. Instead of seeing them as red flags, I just enjoyed them and took everything at face value. I think we were both anxiously-attached. I worried privately about messing things up. She worried about literally everything, like getting upset because she didn't know my middle name.

 

I should mention, she got with me a few days after she finished with her ex. So I guess you can add rebound to the list of things, even though she was the one that dumped him. Again, 4 months, similar time period.

 

She flirted with me a bit while she was with him - nothing sexual, but there was a toy rabbit on our team at work, she would always joke I was the Dad and she was the Mum, things like that - to the point that I asked her if there was something between us. She said she would never do that when in a relationship.

 

When she ended things with him, because she felt he didn't care and they did nothing outside of work, she was the one that came back to me and told me she liked me and that she had liked me back then but couldn't act on it. She'd even kept all the little post-it notes I'd written.

 

So this girl:

-Turned my down first after flirting with me while with her bf

-Came back to me, told me she liked me.

-Put herself in her life, called us soulmates, etc.

-Came on a trip I'd planned and saved for 12 months and that I'd changed so she could see Rome and Venice. Cries after 2 hours. Causes me to cancel this trip early so she can be back home.

-Then strings me along for 2 months when her feelings are 'confused', meeting my parents, telling me she loves me.

-And has the audacity to say it was the trip that made her think about things, when I held her head in my lap while she cried. Stuff that should bring people closer together.

 

If anything after that trip it should have been me that had the change of feelings.

 

Whether she got in her head that because she'd rather be at home than with me it meant she didn't care for me as much as she thought, I don't know.

 

Like the other poster said, she doesn't want me whatever the reason.

 

But I can't be friends with somebody who has put me through all that. I understand she hasn't meant to be vindictive, she's young, she's inexperienced, she's emotionally immature. But frankly she doesn't deserve me as her 'rock'. I was her rock for 4 months and she ended up finishing the relationship.

 

I'm not just doing no contact for 30 days or 60 days. I genuinely feel right now that I want nothing to do with her.

 

And I have a date on Friday so I'll see how that goes! I'm not going to do to this girl what the other girl has done to me so if there's any hints that it's a rebound I'll be totally honest with her. But we might hit it off, you never know.

[Itspointless]

In terms of attachment and love addiction. I'd never had somebody saying all these things before to me. [..] I think we were both anxiously-attached. I worried privately about messing things up. She worried about literally everything, like getting upset because she didn't know my middle name.

You can do a test online. Note that being anxious does not perse mean that you are anxious attached. But it is good that you are open to it. Knowing your personal style can teach you a lot about how you react when stressed or having some kind of stress caused by attachment-figures. It are behavioral patterns that are ingrained into our neurological systems stemming from our childhood: survival mechanisms. Therefore these are most of the time completely unconscious processes. When aware it often is possible to change, although that is not as easy as it sounds.

 

As for your ex, I is hard to say what causes her behavior, my personal guess would be immaturity and because she can: she apparently has a pretty face.