Sweetheart101 Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 i am in a FWB relationship right now and both of our b-days are coming up, actually on the same day,and i was wondering if i should get him a present? i really want to get him something, but i dont want him to think im completely in love with him or anything, even though i do have feelings for him. but i know for sure he is not going to get me a gift, at least i dont think he would. should i ask him or just get the gift or do nothing?
sarah12 Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 Give him birthday sex. It's a pretty good present as is.
nicki Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 I'd give him birthday sex, too (a present for you, too, right!) I'd also tell him that you wanted to get him a birthday present, but you only buy them for boyfriends!
noname Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 buy yourself a present instead... bad idea to start introducing gift giving. too much pressure. in fact, i would not even spend your birthdays together. i would spend it with my family or friends. it is a nice thought though...
scarlyjones Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 Hey,...friends give gifts too...... just dont make it sappy lovey dovey stuff. Make it tickets to a ballgame or something. Or nasty dirty disgusting monkey sex is always good.
IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 I would say something simple......a shirt...if your friends like that with him....a ticket to a game sounds good too...maybe so that both of you can go...followed by nasty raw dog jungle sex!
scarlyjones Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 Yeah,....seventh inning sex..... Cheap moves,...in the cheap seats... XXX feature in the stadium bleachers...
noname Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 Originally posted by scarlyjones Hey,...friends give gifts too...... just dont make it sappy lovey dovey stuff. Make it tickets to a ballgame or something. Or nasty dirty disgusting monkey sex is always good. yeah, i know. friends do give gifts. but they are not friends. they are FWB's and that changes things a little. there is a different element in the friend relationship and it creates different dynamics. a birthday gift from a plutonic friend says "oh thanks. you bought me a birthday present" a birthday gift from a FWB is "oh thanks. you bought me a birthday present (i wonder what she means by this... hmmmm, is this just a birthday present or a i'm starting to like you gift? she says it is merely a gift, should i see this as a change in our relationship, etc. ) ". it is not so much what the person who gives the gift is thinking, it is the breaks of having an unnatural variable in the "friend" equation. no matter how you slice it, if "friends" choose to have a sexual relationship, no matter how detatched you make yourself, there is a slight change in the traditional friendship rules. i am not saying that everybody goes through the same thing, if you are trying to maintain a friendship even detatched sex holds some type of emotion. all i am saying is that if she doesn't want to risk any status changes or misinterpretation, the safe way would be to not buy him anything. or just get him a nice birthday card... or just ask him like she originally said she might...
noname Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 a ticket to a game sounds good too...maybe so that both of you can go...followed by nasty raw dog jungle sex! this... is a date... Sweetheart101, maybe you should define what FWB means in this case... it is kind of broad because the term has become a euphemism, for person i am dating but don't want a future with...
superfabulous Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 I guess its sex- personally the FWB isn't my thing but if u can deal with the downfall to that -- sex it is for his bday- don't buy him anything - well maybe a drink at the most! have fun!
crazy_grl Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 Originally posted by noname yeah, i know. friends do give gifts. but they are not friends. they are FWB's and that changes things a little. there is a different element in the friend relationship and it creates different dynamics. a birthday gift from a plutonic friend says "oh thanks. you bought me a birthday present" a birthday gift from a FWB is "oh thanks. you bought me a birthday present (i wonder what she means by this... hmmmm, is this just a birthday present or a i'm starting to like you gift? she says it is merely a gift, should i see this as a change in our relationship, etc. ) ". Or maybe she wants that. She did say she has feelings for him. But if she doesn't want to upset the status quo of the FWB relationship, then no gift would be ideal, and so would not spending their birthdays together.
noname Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 Originally posted by crazy_grl Or maybe she wants that. She did say she has feelings for him. But if she doesn't want to upset the status quo of the FWB relationship, then no gift would be ideal, and so would not spending their birthdays together. yep. seems like she obviously does. which means she is moving out of the "FWB" zone. i realized this after i sent this one and re-read her post. i asked her to define what FWB means to her. looks like she wants more but doesn't want to make any waves. if she wants more, by all means, she should jump on it... she just needs to be ready for the consequences if there are any...
smile95 Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 if you give him sex anyway, how is it a gift? Won't he think it is just your normal sex?
crazy_grl Posted June 8, 2005 Posted June 8, 2005 Originally posted by noname yep. seems like she obviously does. which means she is moving out of the "FWB" zone. i realized this after i sent this one and re-read her post. i asked her to define what FWB means to her. looks like she wants more but doesn't want to make any waves. if she wants more, by all means, she should jump on it... she just needs to be ready for the consequences if there are any... 'make waves'. That's the phrase I was trying to think of and couldn't in my last post. Thanks for that. And yes, she needs to be ready for the possible consequences. The worst of which is probably that he takes the gift to be a sign of something more and has absolutely no interest. What he'll do then depends on the guy. Sweetheart101, as to the suggestions people have had about giving him sex for a gift, I think that's a bad idea. It puts meaning behind the act that in a FWB relationship is supposed to be mostly meaningless. If you didn't have feelings for him, I think it'd be fine, but since you do, and don't know how he feels, you have to be very careful about these things. It sounds like you want to give him a gift 'from the heart', and making yourself the gift when you don't know how he feels about you is a mistake.
Author Sweetheart101 Posted June 8, 2005 Author Posted June 8, 2005 thanks to everyone for all your advice- well i am positive he doesnt have feelings for me, at least he says he doesnt and doesnt really act like it, he is just in it for the physical part and he says he told me this from the beginning, but he knows i have feelings for him, actually he tells me he thinks im in love with him, which im not totally at that point, but ...well yea maybe...but i can still handle myself and i know the boundaries so im not willing to give him up. so im figuring if he knows i really like him alot and he hasnt ended our FWB, he would be ok with me giving him a gift. i would really just like to get him maybe a t-shirt or a hat, thats all. and i might just ask him, bc i am very comfortable with askin him anything and hes very honest. i just think it would make me feel really good to get him something, but i dont want him to think im trying to win his affection, even though in some way i think i am. i am just in a very complicated situation and i dont think it would ever change. we have been doing FWB for 6 months, and i guess im just nervous bc he could stop it at any time bc he doesnt have feelings and i do. he actually just got a puppy and he hasnt gotten it any toys yet, so i bought some, so maybe i can see how he reacts to that,lol.
scarlyjones Posted June 8, 2005 Posted June 8, 2005 Originally posted by noname a birthday gift from a FWB is "oh thanks. you bought me a birthday present (i wonder what she means by this... hmmmm, is this just a birthday present or a i'm starting to like you gift? she says it is merely a gift, should i see this as a change in our relationship, etc. ) ". Well,..this is because friends with benefits is a myth in my opinion. Anyone who says "No it isnt,..Im in a relationship like that right now",.....I would be willing to bet is in the EARLY stages of it. I challenge anyone to show me a couple who has done this with nobody ever getting hurt. It doesnt happen. Even if you never fight like BF/GF,...eventually, one of them meets someone else,.....and then the FWB ends. So,..since you cant be someones boyfriend or girlfriend WHILE you are engaging in a FWB situation,....that sort of means,....you ARE In a BF/GF situation already.
noname Posted June 8, 2005 Posted June 8, 2005 Originally posted by scarlyjones Well,..this is because friends with benefits is a myth in my opinion. Anyone who says "No it isnt,..Im in a relationship like that right now",.....I would be willing to bet is in the EARLY stages of it. I challenge anyone to show me a couple who has done this with nobody ever getting hurt. It doesnt happen. Even if you never fight like BF/GF,...eventually, one of them meets someone else,.....and then the FWB ends. So,..since you cant be someones boyfriend or girlfriend WHILE you are engaging in a FWB situation,....that sort of means,....you ARE In a BF/GF situation already. exactly! FWB is another way of dating without having to buy gifts and answer to anyone. a way to get busy without feeling committment. it's like renting a car. one or both of the people is eventually going to want an upgrade, can't afford the payments anymore, or ends up crashing the thing into a tree or oncoming traffic...
superfabulous Posted June 8, 2005 Posted June 8, 2005 after reading your response to all of the advice... you will most def. will get your heart broken here.....try this out stop the sex, get him a card and dont make plans with him - dont call ..ignore him like it was nothing...maybe he'll figure it out that he needs and wants you, or maybe he will find someonelse and have a relationship with them...thats how i see this FWB playing out. I really hope you take the good advice out here- it will save you the hearbreak later, think bout this, what if he finds a new love and starts to take them out for dinners, gets her flowers, they go to the movies..etc...will you stil be the 3am buddy?? I really hope you love yourself more than to settle for some sex from a man who just uses you for sex. There are sooo many men out there who can give you sex and maybe even sex and dinner if they find you adorabel- darling dont you want to be adored and thought of as special!!!!!! ok,I am done. take care
crazy_grl Posted June 8, 2005 Posted June 8, 2005 Originally posted by scarlyjones Well,..this is because friends with benefits is a myth in my opinion. Anyone who says "No it isnt,..Im in a relationship like that right now",.....I would be willing to bet is in the EARLY stages of it. I challenge anyone to show me a couple who has done this with nobody ever getting hurt. It doesnt happen. Even if you never fight like BF/GF,...eventually, one of them meets someone else,.....and then the FWB ends. So,..since you cant be someones boyfriend or girlfriend WHILE you are engaging in a FWB situation,....that sort of means,....you ARE In a BF/GF situation already. I've had 2 FWB relationships. The first one didn't end badly or with either of us being hurt, but it was with my ex-boyfriend shortly after we broke up. Eventually, he got another girlfriend, and I didn't mind at all, because I already knew I didn't want to be with him. He's still one of my best friends, but I don't get to talk to him often because I moved away. You're right that they generally will end in one of more people getting their feelings hurt. It is a psuedo-relationship, and people treat it too casually. I'd imagine very, very few work out well in the end, but I suppose it's possible if both people know absolutely for certain they don't want to be with that person for anything more than sex and that doesn't change in the course of the FWB relationship. Originally posted by Sweetheart101 well i am positive he doesnt have feelings for me, at least he says he doesnt and doesnt really act like it, he is just in it for the physical part and he says he told me this from the beginning, but he knows i have feelings for him, actually he tells me he thinks im in love with him In that case, don't get him anything but maybe a card like superfabulous suggested. If you get a gift, he probably will see it as you trying to push a relationship if he already thinks you're in love with him. Now that both you and he know you have feelings for him, you should end the "with benefits" part of the relationship. Firstly, because if he gets a girlfriend, it's going to hurt you a lot more if you're still sleeping with him. Secondly, because continuing to sleep with him isnt going to make him fall in love with you or respect you. You can gain his respect by respecting yourself and removing yourself as much as possible from a potentially painful situation. I know it can be hard, because I'm handling basically the same problem. The main difference is that my guy says he has feelings for me, but just doesn't know if he wants a relationship.
blackendangel13 Posted June 8, 2005 Posted June 8, 2005 I agree with the majority here. FWB in 99% of cases ends with someone getting either their feelings hurt or their pride hurt. I have had many a FWB situation and always got hurt because I would feel jealous when I saw my "friend" with other women. I'd wonder why, if I was giving him what he wanted, he still felt the need to pursue other people. I have also been in the other position where I hurt others feelings when I refused to commit to one guy. From what you have said about how he teases you, he doesn't sound much like he respects you or your feelings. This is supposed to be your friend? If I were in his shoes in the situation I'd be a little more careful about considering the feelings of my friend.
superfabulous Posted June 9, 2005 Posted June 9, 2005 typically a guy buys a dog when he needs unconditional love....sorry but that means your OUT of the pic. y bother being friends with a user like this guy. My ex got a puppy and met tonz of girls who he dated from the dog park....and he gives way more love to that dog then any woman!! dont sit there and pretend u dont have feelings - that hurts soo bad- thats like saying I want 2nd Place and I am comfortable with being the door mat!
faux Posted June 10, 2005 Posted June 10, 2005 Originally posted by Sweetheart101 i am in a FWB relationship right now and both of our b-days are coming up, actually on the same day,and i was wondering if i should get him a present? i really want to get him something, but i dont want him to think im completely in love with him or anything, even though i do have feelings for him. but i know for sure he is not going to get me a gift, at least i dont think he would. should i ask him or just get the gift or do nothing? Now you see the complications which arise from these 'friends with benefits' arrangements. The both of you are in a relationship, whether the both of you want to admit this or not. Now you get to deal with the awkwardness of holidays and birthdays, and what is considered OK by your partner. If you have feelings for this man, maybe you should tell him. Whether you tell him or not, you stand the chance of getting hurt. As for the birthday gift, I think you should do what you want to do. If you want to give him a gift, then give him a gift. If it is the wrong thing to do, I'm sure you will find out. Sometimes we need to stick our toes in the water to find out what the temperature is.
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