ilovemusic3 Posted January 23, 2016 Posted January 23, 2016 When I message guys on Okcupid saying Hey, how's it going?, they respond, then I write something else, like asking if they did anything fun this week, and they don't reply anymore. What should I be writing instead?
Erik30 Posted January 23, 2016 Posted January 23, 2016 Ask them about something they wrote in their profile. But I think the guys who ignored you probably weren't interested anyway. A lot of girls hate generic messages like the ones you're sending, but most guys won't care about that if they think you're cute. 2
Toodaloo Posted January 23, 2016 Posted January 23, 2016 I make it a rule not to respond to "hey, hows it going" messages. Its dull, thoughtless and really boring. When I have tried to have a conversation with anyone starting up with messages like that it soon gets dull and they have no idea what I am on about so I give up. Read their profile, look carefully at their pictures. Ask them about things, ask them about themselves in your opening message! The responses you are getting are just to be polite, not because you have sparked any interest... 6
Popsicle Posted January 23, 2016 Posted January 23, 2016 IMO, "Hi, how's it going" is okay as an initial message (and I could agrue that it's more practical too) but after that, you'd better come with something more interesting than asking about their weekend. Read up on the art of conversation and what makes people interested in talking with you. 1
PogoStick Posted January 23, 2016 Posted January 23, 2016 It helps to be specific. Once I wrote along the lines of: Hey I don't normally see people with a high match percent around here. How's it feel being a liberal in the middle of bible country? It showed that I paid attention to her profile, that we had something in common, and differentiated myself. We were banging by date 3. 2
Sunyata Posted January 23, 2016 Posted January 23, 2016 I wish my mind could just identify as "liberal" or "Bernie Sanders fan." Instead it goes into the natural growth and decay of societies, how these societies are dependent upon economies based upon transforming raw materials into marketable goods, and how this process itself has many variables that are not directly connected to decisions made by a man. Such as college may needing to be affordable, but what happens when there is no longer a need for training since there are no jobs within the system? It would be so much easier if my mind just identified with a label. 1
fitnessfan365 Posted January 23, 2016 Posted January 23, 2016 People appreciate it when you dig a bit deeper. Asking how it's going and if you did anything fun this week are pretty generic and superficial. Take five minutes to read the guy's profile and ask him a question about something to expand on. 6
SwordofFlame Posted January 23, 2016 Posted January 23, 2016 It really doesn't matter what you say because if the guy is interested, he will pursue you. Most average guys barely get any messages from women first online. 1
LookAtThisPOst Posted January 23, 2016 Posted January 23, 2016 People appreciate it when you dig a bit deeper. Asking how it's going and if you did anything fun this week are pretty generic and superficial. Take five minutes to read the guy's profile and ask him a question about something to expand on. Been there done that with asking about specifics in a woman's profile. It's hardly ever gotten me a response. 1
fitnessfan365 Posted January 24, 2016 Posted January 24, 2016 Been there done that with asking about specifics in a woman's profile. It's hardly ever gotten me a response. Look at PogoStick's post. He referenced the woman's profile in a creative way. When you put a bit of spin/humor on it in relation to the profile it tends to work well. At least it has in my experience too. 1
smackie9 Posted January 24, 2016 Posted January 24, 2016 You jump right in and say "hey you ;)" "what trouble are you up to (hehe)" 1
Shanex Posted January 24, 2016 Posted January 24, 2016 My usual mode is a one or two sentences about something written on their profiles, it doesn't work too bad. Writing too much on a first message can be seen as a tad odd, why would you have so much to say to someone you don't know yet. Plus it's the Internet and both genders follow the 'tl;dr' doctrine. Make sure your profile is filled, leaving something to talk about and have good photos.
oberkeat Posted January 24, 2016 Posted January 24, 2016 When I message guys on Okcupid saying Hey, how's it going?, they respond, then I write something else, like asking if they did anything fun this week, and they don't reply anymore. What should I be writing instead? I would ditch the online dating route and put more effort into approaching and chatting up guys in real life. The kinds of men you meet on those sites aren't worth dating. If they were, they would have no need to go online to find dates. Ditch online dating and focus on real life.
AverageJoe1986 Posted January 24, 2016 Posted January 24, 2016 If they like your pictures they'l respond with something expansive. If they don't they'll be happy to say hi but won't look to extend it. If you have to work to hard then they're not interested.
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted January 24, 2016 Posted January 24, 2016 Interesting to see a girl taking an active role on an online dating site, as in sending out the first message
Robratory Posted January 24, 2016 Posted January 24, 2016 When I message guys on Okcupid saying Hey, how's it going?, they respond, then I write something else, like asking if they did anything fun this week, and they don't reply anymore. What should I be writing instead? Frankly, I find that rather odd. Women insist that men be literate and eloquent but men usually couldn't care less. The slightest bit of attention should have them hounding your mailbox. However, it does sound like you're treating email like a text chat, where you bounce single questions and answers back and forth. Maybe write a little more in your first email (like the suggestions already posted before me), and at the end, mention that you're looking to meet soon and not email back and forth forever. If that doesn't have the guy jumping like the dog when it hears the can opener, then sorry, but for whatever reason, he's just not into you. It's not you. One guy thinks you hot, and another one doesn't.
AverageJoe1986 Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 Interesting to see a girl taking an active role on an online dating site, as in sending out the first message As I have detailed in another thread, many many women are happy to send out the first message. You just have to be a seriously good looking guy to be in receipt of it.
normal person Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 I'm speaking in general terms here, not to anyone specifically: Messages that say "hi" or "how's your week going" are instant ignores for me 90% of the time. I even mention in my "you should message me if" section that my week is going fine so you don't have to ask yet, they still keep coming. If you read a guy's profile throughly and "hi" is then the best conversation starter you can think of, I feel like it displays a lack of judgment and creativity. Read the profile, ask a relevant question or make a comment, and inject a little humor into it. It's not rocket science. You have to display some personality and generate some emotion or intrigue. Why do you think your "hey there" is so much more appealing than the 30 other "hey theres" sitting in the inbox? Generic messages make someone think they're just talking to a robot. Any person can write "hi." If you bore them to tears with your first word, you're not doing yourself any favors. Communication is part of the dance. Been there done that with asking about specifics in a woman's profile. It's hardly ever gotten me a response. You're assuming that getting a response is solely dependent on the quality or content of your message. That's an oversimplification.
AverageJoe1986 Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 You're assuming that getting a response is solely dependent on the quality or content of your message. That's an oversimplification. Oh God. This sort of thing is precisely why I decided to experiment with different profile pictures. Because no matter what there are always people who want to try and convince you that, hey, it doesn't matter what you look like with great messages and a killer profile you can do great online. So a guy tells you that he has no success sending out great messages and now it's, what? That women were going to message him but as luck would have it one of them dropped her phone in her coffee before she could send. And another one found God and became a nun in the middle of her response. Yes, in individual cases there are specific reasons why a woman hasn't messaged a guy back. But if someone writes out HUNDREDS of messages to women, all specific and tailored to their profile and interests and still gets virtually no response then you have to do a hell of a lot of mental contortions to think it isn't because of how you look.
PogoStick Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 I've had women 1st message with nothing more than "Hi". I'm not willing to put in more effort than her, so I respond with "Hi". Either she gets it or she doesn't. I've actually had more than one woman reply with a 2nd "Hi". I'm left thinking, "how many times are we going to do this?", and figure I better end the conversation there for my own sanity. 2
normal person Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 Oh God. This sort of thing is precisely why I decided to experiment with different profile pictures. Because no matter what there are always people who want to try and convince you that, hey, it doesn't matter what you look like with great messages and a killer profile you can do great online. That's another oversimplification. I don't know why you're so uptight, I actually agreed with you to an extent. I said responses are not solely dependent on what you write, not that they are. Did you misread? This is a multifaceted sort of thing, there are a lot of factors that go into it. Pictures? Yes, a big part of it for people. The whole story? No. There's a multitude of extraneous factors. Yes, in individual cases there are specific reasons why a woman hasn't messaged a guy back. But if someone writes out HUNDREDS of messages to women, all specific and tailored to their profile and interests and still gets virtually no response then you have to do a hell of a lot of mental contortions to think it isn't because of how you look. Yeah, I agree. Looks are the first distinction people make. Everyone has accepted this and people using OLD must accept what they look like and the results their looks are likely to yield. But what you seem to have forgotten is that by default, people are only attracted to a small fraction of the population. So when you message hundreds of people (did the guy even say he did this?) the majority of those messages are going to people who should've been disqualified from your contention because they wouldn't have gone for you anyways. Dead letters. The problem is there's no way to filter out "people who aren't attracted to me to begin with." So the majority of the messages you write will be discarded by default. You're acting like this shouldn't be the case. Yes, a lot of people will exclude you on looks. WE KNOW. Now you actually have to apply that realization. Messaging 100 strangers and and expecting 100 positive responses is akin to assuming 100 out of 100 women in a bar are attracted to you. Of course most of them won't be no matter what you do or say. Maybe 3-20 of them might be in reality, depending on what you look like, their preferences, etc. But for some reason when people are online dating they suddenly have the expectation that the numbers will be inflated, that everyone they message should automatically have a strong affinity for them because it's over a computer. The reality is that only attracting ~5% of the contingent is par for the course, just like it is in person. Of course when you don't figure that into your success rate, your numbers are going to be abysmal. Nothing revolutionary here. Of those hundred messages, your expected yield is going to be ~5%. That's the number you start from. The 95% who don't care about you no matter what is unavoidable overhead. People who don't stop to consider that are the same people who jump to conclusions about the effectiveness of the process. We know about the looks, we're beyond that. You should concern yourself with the percentage of people you can actually sway because that's the only thing within your control. Complaining that the majority of people you message don't like you is just ignorant. So you take your small percentage and then you have to consider all the extraneous factors which dilutes the pool even more. Considering all that, it's entirely possible to message 100 women with well tailored messages, not receive any responses, and still not be a statistical outlier. You might have messaged 100 women who don't care for your looks -- you don't know. If that happened, receiving a 0% response rate is the expected result. Maybe 5 tolerated your looks but thought your message was too generic, your aura not intriguing enough, your job not well paying enough, etc. THIS is the group you can battle for. And this sample size is still too small to get numbers of any significance. So you're right, a lot can be looks-dependent. But it's not anything anyone doesn't already know. Online dating is inefficient by nature, you have to remember that first and foremost. You have to be realistic and assess your success within on the small percentage you can actually win over, not the 95% you can't. It's not a fantasy world. 1
AverageJoe1986 Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 That's another oversimplification. I don't know why you're so uptight, I actually agreed with you to an extent. I said responses are not solely dependent on what you write, not that they are. Did you misread? This is a multifaceted sort of thing, there are a lot of factors that go into it. Pictures? Yes, a big part of it for people. The whole story? No. There's a multitude of extraneous factors. Multifaceted? My whole point is that it isn't. It's really very simple. When I have posted using a really hot profile picture I am getting responses from EVERY woman that had ignored me with my own picture. A multitude of extraneous factors? Again, you really, really want to believe that this is a complex situation. It's not. I've tested it. It's not that hot photos get you a foot in the door. It's that with a majority of the women online it's THE ONLY foot in the door. I know that throwing out a bunch of 3+ syllable words makes what you say sound reasonable and balanced. Yes, it reads very much like a Guardian Comment piece, I'm still scanning the text for the words nuanced and intersectional. But really, trying to take a nuanced approach to something that's quite simple and straightforward is obtuse. And I don't really know how to say this another way: I'm not complaining. I understand that this is how it is. The only complaint I have is people ignoring reality and trying to explain countless guys' total failure in OLD with a fantasy land of complex factors.
Superman2024 Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 Oh God. This sort of thing is precisely why I decided to experiment with different profile pictures. Because no matter what there are always people who want to try and convince you that, hey, it doesn't matter what you look like with great messages and a killer profile you can do great online. So a guy tells you that he has no success sending out great messages and now it's, what? That women were going to message him but as luck would have it one of them dropped her phone in her coffee before she could send. And another one found God and became a nun in the middle of her response. Yes, in individual cases there are specific reasons why a woman hasn't messaged a guy back. But if someone writes out HUNDREDS of messages to women, all specific and tailored to their profile and interests and still gets virtually no response then you have to do a hell of a lot of mental contortions to think it isn't because of how you look. That was an extremely fascinating thread about the fake profile you created. I'm not sure why the thread was closed though. I'm very curious what this profile looks like, so is it possible to post a link to it? I just couldn't believe the responses you were getting. Were there any shirtless pictures or was it all based on his his facial looks?
normal person Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 (edited) Multifaceted? My whole point is that it isn't. It's really very simple. And my whole point is that your point is correct for the most part, but has been very obvious for some time and you should stop acting like you're discovering cold fusion and move on to the part of the issue that can actually be dealt with. Yes, people care a lot about looks. Congratulations on your discovery. Now apply it and consider it with the rest of factors. There's more to it than that. When I have posted using a really hot profile picture I am getting responses from EVERY woman that had ignored me with my own picture. A multitude of extraneous factors? Again, you really, really want to believe that this is a complex situation. It's not. I've tested it. It's not that hot photos get you a foot in the door. It's that with a majority of the women online it's THE ONLY foot in the door. And I use my own normal pictures and have had loads of success. As have the many other guys who use OLD to meet people every day. As have the 45% of couples who've met online 35% of recent marriages which started online. Study: More than a third of new marriages start online Are you telling me that these very large figures only represent gorgeous men who got the "only" foot in the door? That 45% of recent couples consist of a woman and a guy with godlike pictures with nothing else at play? I must be an idiot because I can't shake the thought that there's more than one variable here. But yeah, your anec dotal evidence and sample size of 1 is more valid than the data and sample size of millions. I know that throwing out a bunch of 3+ syllable words makes what you say sound reasonable and balanced. Yes, it reads very much like a Guardian Comment piece, I'm still scanning the text for the words nuanced and intersectional. But really, trying to take a nuanced approach to something that's quite simple and straightforward is obtuse. And I don't really know how to say this another way: I'm not complaining. I understand that this is how it is. The only complaint I have is people ignoring reality and trying to explain countless guys' total failure in OLD with a fantasy land of complex factors. Ok, believe what you want. Sorry for derailing the thread. Back to the topic: generic messages are bad. Edited January 25, 2016 by normal person
AverageJoe1986 Posted January 25, 2016 Posted January 25, 2016 (edited) I'm not sure why the thread was closed though. I don't know. It's not because it generally poked a bit of fun at women whilst the (still ongoing) 'Online Dating - The Good, The Bad and The Ridiculous' thread largely pokes fun at men. It's definitely not that. Definitely. Edited January 25, 2016 by AverageJoe1986
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