After he pulls away?

[testmeasure]

Makes no difference. Sending a communication to your girlfriend takes 2 seconds. He's not breastfeeding. I know single parents of 4 that have time to reply to their text and make phone calls.

 

 

It's not a question of whether they generally have time to reply to text and make phone calls under normal conditions.

 

 

Do you think there is NEVER a time when it might be understandable that they have a hard time doing it?

 

 

What if he is focusing on his kid this week to figure out how to best help the kid have a good experience from any transition forward. Their relationship made a big move last weekend. He's got a lot to think about to make it work for the kid. Being a bit distracted from her and focused on the kid doesn't mean he's not all in on this.

 

 

If it was a high conflict divorce and his ex is kind of crazy that could explain the sole custody. This is the first relationship he has had since the divorce. After a high conflict divorce, the first time the ex finds out a guy is with someone else, they tend to go ballistic. If he's dealing with something like that, it's not exactly a subject for text messaging.

 

 

Maybe people are right and he has cold feet. That can be on the table too. The world is bigger than that. Don't just jump to fear, worry, and the worst thing you can imagine. Wait for actual communication and find out what's going on.

[Amelie1980]

They are house hunting together, if that's being invested than what is it! If a man wants to melt his finances with me and we make the biggest purchase of our life together he better be invested.

 

It is why I am wondering if the child has something to do with it.

 

I think you mentioned a daughter Gaeta. I dont know how old she is....but if you were this position and your daughter turned round and said I dont want to live with him Mom, I like it just you and me.... what would you do?

 

It is why I am wondering if there is another factor, such as the child not being happy with this that is making him reconsider.

[Gaeta]

I unfortunately agree with this post.

 

and yeah, turn up the heat and put some pressure on him and... poof, he's gone. And you only need one bad strike to f"ck up a perfectly good relationship. I know, I've done this quite successfully last year. And it took me 5 years to meet that decent guy. Anyways, we live and we learn - from our own mistakes better than from any other book !

 

If a man can't take a little heat than he's not worth your time. I refuse to treat men like they're some fragile crystal glasses that can break under the slightest pressure.

[candie13]

They are house hunting together, if that's being invested than what is it! If a man wants to melt his finances with me and we make the biggest purchase of our life together he better be invested.

I don't think the OP means buying, I think it's only living together...

[dobielover]

They are house hunting together, if that's being invested than what is it! If a man wants to melt his finances with me and we make the biggest purchase of our life together he better be invested.

 

Did you read the OP? That house hunting was spontaneous.

 

And that's EXACTLY MY POINT. He's pulling back because he's questioning his level of investment. "Can I do this? Can I invest in this like this?"

 

The child just adds to the mix. It's not only, "Can I do this?" it's "Is this what is best for my child?"

 

It's like you don't understand how men think, at all.

[Amelie1980]

No, wrong. One year doesn't mean you're automatically on the same page and at equal points of investment in the relationship. Nope.

 

And at no point in the relationship should a man ever feel pressure or that his woman's happiness is dependent on him.

 

In fact one year can often mean make or break time.

 

The honeymoon period has well and truly worn off and at a year you may be noticing things you dont like that you hadnt noticed before. A year can mean you are realizing for the first time this isnt right.

[Gaeta]

It is why I am wondering if the child has something to do with it.

 

I think you mentioned a daughter Gaeta. I dont know how old she is....but if you were this position and your daughter turned round and said I dont want to live with him Mom, I like it just you and me.... what would you do?

 

It is why I am wondering if there is another factor, such as the child not being happy with this that is making him reconsider.

 

I'm a woman, I handle stress by talking about it. I would express to my man my concerns and tell him I'll be devoting some daughter/mom time over the week.

 

Whether it's the child at the bottom of this or him feeling overwhelmed with the house hunting and the moving in together discussion, what ever is behind his absence, I think it needs to be expressed after he's out of his cave.

 

IF he feels too much pressure, if he is not ready to take it to the next level, if he feels she is more invested than he is He 100% needs to let her know !!!! And a smart woman would want to know if this man she about to changer her life for is as invested as she is.

[candie13]

If a man can't take a little heat than he's not worth your time. I refuse to treat men like they're some fragile crystal glasses that can break under the slightest pressure.

careful here, judge and you will be judge with the same hastiness. I think it al has to do with how you want to be treated, because you can't be all down on him and yet expect him to be gentle and understanding with you.

 

There is no place of aggression for me. I have done it, I have preached it, I had it in my heart and I had embraced it with my behavior. It did nothing but harm to me - as I also did harm to those around me. Keeps everyone miserable. I don't want to live my life that way. But that is a personal matter. Very personal. I accept the fact that you might not share my thoughts.

[Gaeta]

Did you read the OP? That house hunting was spontaneous.

 

And that's EXACTLY MY POINT. He's pulling back because he's questioning his level of investment. "Can I do this? Can I invest in this like this?"

 

The child just adds to the mix. It's not only, "Can I do this?" it's "Is this what is best for my child?"

 

It's like you don't understand how men think, at all.

 

Read my post #57

[testmeasure]

I wish people would pause and go back and read my first post here. It's probably way too long and everyone skipped it.

 

I carefully walked through all of what he needed to consider to make this a win-win-win for all thee of them.

 

By the end, I was asking OP why the child wasn't one of her first thoughts? Why was the child just a part of the background story in the last paragraph?

 

I gave OP advice on how to try and make things a win-win-win for all 3 of them going forward.

 

There is so much more going on here than whether a single parent responded to a particular text after a weekend of significant life change.

[dobielover]

Read my post #57

 

What does Post #57 have to do with what I said? I was talking about investment.

[Maggie4]

That's such a good point. Right now I feel like I can't choose because him pulling away is making me pull away too. Such that now that he comes back a week later I don't really know what to do or say because I'm so peeved.

 

Just to be clear, I'm not strategizing the best way to keep him. If he decides to leave, fine. It will suck, but I'll move on. I'm strategizing the best way to handle the situation. I want to welcome him back with open arms, but it's difficult, especially when it was just a brief text. Kind of felt like, okay what am I supposed to do with that? That's what "being myself" is doing right now - withdrawing so I don't become angry or resentful, but it's so difficult.

 

Yeah, I know, perhaps I wasn't clear. I am saying you are NOT strategizing, and that's refreshing. When you go online and read the stuff from books and relationship experts, it's all about women strategizing how to please and keep men.

 

When you are so young and haven't learned all that, (seems to me you don't have a lot of baggage, you didn't mention), just being genuine is very endearing. If you are not an impulsive, vindictive, clingy or controlling person by nature, you don't need relationship gurus to tell you how to act. You can just be.

 

It is being yourself, that brings people close to you (if your self is good natured).

[dobielover]

careful here, judge and you will be judge with the same hastiness. I think it al has to do with how you want to be treated, because you can't be all down on him and yet expect him to be gentle and understanding with you.

 

There is no place of aggression for me. I have done it, I have preached it, I had it in my heart and I had embraced it with my behavior. It did nothing but harm to me - as I also did harm to those around me. Keeps everyone miserable. I don't want to live my life that way. But that is a personal matter. Very personal. I accept the fact that you might not share my thoughts.

 

Gaeta is very harsh towards the men she talks about but expects to be treated with velvet gloves by the men in her life. She's also pretty harsh when doling out advice.

 

As I'm sure you've learned from your second paragraph there, we could all benefit from going about these situations from a place of understanding and acceptance rather than judgment. Relationships aren't to be lived by rubrics and checklists and slapping of rulers on school desks.

[testmeasure]

And that's EXACTLY MY POINT. He's pulling back because he's questioning his level of investment. "Can I do this? Can I invest in this like this?"

 

The child just adds to the mix. It's not only, "Can I do this?" it's "Is this what is best for my child?"

 

The original poster seems to have a lot of worry and make a lot of assumptions. I was very careful in my first post to say he may be completely on board. He seems to have initiated this move forward. Maybe he didn't expect reciprocation. Maybe he's glad he got it. No regrets no doubts.

 

It may have moved faster than he expected, and he has a kid, so now he has to take some space and think about the kid. When better to do it than when they are apart for the week anyway?

 

I was Very Very careful and specifically said that does not mean that he is re-making the decision and questioning it from the kid's perspective. If he's doing it right, he's trying to figure out how to make the change as good as possible an experience for the kid. How does he tell the kid, when does he tell the kid, how does he present it? There is a lot of mental work that needs to go into making this as good as possible an experience for the kid.

 

That he has to stop and take some space to think about the kid absolutely does NOT mean the words in his mind are "can I do this?"

 

Likely it is much more how do I make this win-win-win for all 3 of us. Hopefully.

 

At one point in all of what I wrote in my first response, I even pointed out another possible disruption to his life could be the fact that kids do better when both parents are involved. He has sole custody. Even if it hasn't yet, this could at any point show up as a behavioral problem for the kid. And yet he has to respond to every text? Always? I finished this point by saying, if the mom is out of the picture, possibly the kid's best possible future would be if this all worked and OP eventually ended up adopting the kid.

 

There's a lot more to life than text messages.

Edited January 23, 2016 by testmeasure

[dobielover]

The original poster seems to have a lot of worry and make a lot of assumptions. I was very careful in my first post to say he may be completely on board. He seems to have initiated this move forward. Maybe he didn't expect reciprocation. Maybe he's glad he got it. No regrets no doubts.

 

It may have moved faster than he expected, and he has a kid, so now he has to take some space and think about the kid. When better to do it than when they are apart for the week anyway?

 

I was Very Very careful and specifically said that does not mean that he is re-making the decision and questioning it from the kid's perspective. If he's doing it right, he's trying to figure out how to make the change as good as possible an experience for the kid. How does he tell the kid, when does he tell the kid, how does he present it? There is a lot of mental work that needs to go into making this as good as possible an experience for the kid.

 

That he has to stop and take some space to think about the kid absolutely does NOT mean the words in his mind are "can I do this?"

 

Likely it is much more how do I make this win-win-win for all 3 of us. Hopefully.

 

At one point in all of what I wrote in my first response, I even pointed out another possible disruption to his life could be the fact that kids do better when both parents are involved. He has sole custody. Even if it hasn't yet, this could at any point show up as a behavioral problem for the kid. And yet he has to respond to every text? Always? I finished this point by saying, if the mom is out of the picture, possibly the kid's best possible future would be if this all worked and OP eventually ended up adopting the kid.

 

There's a lot more to life than text messages.

 

Yes, yes. It's not necessarily "Can I do this?" but, "Okay, HOW do I make this happen so it works? "

 

And agreed on the text messages. BF is heavily reliant on them given his line of work and hours (many times comms come when I'm sleeping and vice versa) and I can get quite frustrated if I allow myself to read into a word or punctuation or anything else. I have to wait until we see each other to gauge anything, and my fears are usually assuaged at that point.

 

But I've also learned - intuitively, with him and other men - to give him mental space. It's done wonders, not just for the relationship, but for my own sanity and mental health!

[katiegrl]

You guys act like he's ghosted or disappeared for a week. Re-read the OP. They exchanged texts on Tuesday and Wednesday, and Friday.

 

He's just quieter and less cutesy. He's establishing some emotional distance. This is normal. There's no need to examine this with him.

 

dobie. you are right...I missed that.

 

My post was based on the premise he had disappeared (without a word) for a week+....

[katiegrl]

Thank you for your post candie....many good points.

 

Fortunately .....I have never been ghosted or faded on for that matter .....I did have an ex (many years ago) who needed space for awhile to figure stuff out ...but he communicated that to me beforehand ...and then returned three weeks later. We were together four years after that, even got engaged, I ended it.

 

I am very observant of the world around me though, and I see, hear and read about men fading and ghosting quite often, which is why I posted what I posted.

 

With respect to having expectations ....we will just have to agree to disagree.

 

I think *both* people having *healthy* expectations is good, positive and necessary to developing and maintaining a mutually-rewarding, respectful, loving, happy and healthy relationship. They are called boundaries, and they are super important IMO.

 

If there are no boundaries, and the expectation that those boundaries will be met and respected, then what do you have? Two people free to do as they wish with no regard for the other.

 

JMO on that, I know you disagree and that is fine, I totally respect that.

 

Wish you the best too!!!

Edited January 23, 2016 by katiegrl

[candie13]

Thank you for your post candie....many good points.

 

Fortunately .....I have never been ghosted or faded on for that matter .....I did have an ex (many years ago) who needed space for awhile to figure stuff out ...but he communicated that to me beforehand ...and then returned three weeks later. We were together four years after that, even got engaged, I ended it.

 

I am very observant of the world around me though, and I see, hear and read about men fading and ghosting quite often, which is why I posted what I posted.

 

With respect to having expectations ....we will just have to agree to disagree.

 

I think *both* people having *healthy* expectations is good, positive and necessary to developing and maintaining a mutually-rewarding, respectful, loving, happy and healthy relationship. They are called boundaries, and they are super important IMO.

 

If there are no boundaries, and the expectation that those boundaries will be met and respected, then what do you have? Two people free to do as they wish with no regard for the other.

 

JMO on that, I know you disagree and that is fine, I totally respect that.

 

Wish you the best too!!!

i am not a monk living in a monastery, so I do admit that I have expectations. Everybody does. I just think it's thr details of those expectations that trigger our misalignment. I am not one of those "happy hippie girls", rest assure. I just try to not react based on my own woundings, if I can, that's all.

 

Wish you all the good in the world, as well, I've read about your engagement, I hope you are well...

 

Best,

 

Candie

[Robratory]

[delete - point already made by someone else ]

[Robratory]

I'm strategizing the best way to handle the situation. I want to welcome him back with open arms, but it's difficult, especially when it was just a brief text. Kind of felt like, okay what am I supposed to do with that? That's what "being myself" is doing right now - withdrawing so I don't become angry or resentful, but it's so difficult.

 

In your case, I would sit him down when he returns and have a talk. I would make it clear that I was disappointed by his behavior, and I would make sure he understood it was not acceptable.

 

I'm going to side with Gaeta here. It doesn't matter how much turmoil is in your life, nothing justifies shutting out your partner. That's just drama. If your partner is not someone with whom you can sit down and talk about your feelings, then what's the point? Just acknowledge you're friends with benefits and not really a couple.

 

And again, it doesn't matter how minor the withdrawal is. If you don't reply to a text from your partner, the least you can do is say you're sorry in passing next time you communicate. If you're really just too busy to text, text once to say, "Sorry, honey, things are busy now. I can't get back to you till tomorrow."

[Gaeta]

Gaeta is very harsh towards the men she talks about but expects to be treated with velvet gloves by the men in her life. She's also pretty harsh when doling out advice.

 

As I'm sure you've learned from your second paragraph there, we could all benefit from going about these situations from a place of understanding and acceptance rather than judgment. Relationships aren't to be lived by rubrics and checklists and slapping of rulers on school desks.

 

It's lets trash Gaeta Day today?

 

I never said to be aggressive toward him.

 

I said to leave him have his thinking time.

 

I said to welcome him back as if nothing had happened.

 

I said to wait till he is back to himself and discuss it in an nonthreatening way and I offered an example of a nonthreatening way to open a conversation.

[hippychick3]

i am not a monk living in a monastery, so I do admit that I have expectations. Everybody does. I just think it's thr details of those expectations that trigger our misalignment. I am not one of those "happy hippie girls", rest assure. I just try to not react based on my own woundings, if I can, that's all.

 

Wish you all the good in the world, as well, I've read about your engagement, I hope you are well...

 

Best,

 

Candie

 

Hey now...proud to be a happy hippie!!

[candie13]

Hey now...proud to be a happy hippie!!

peace, girl !!! I'm slightly old fashioned, vividly hoping some of that happy hippie influence rubs on me, as well, looks like fun

[dobielover]

dobie. you are right...I missed that.

 

My post was based on the premise he had disappeared (without a word) for a week+....

 

Knee jerk, zero'ing on certain things, missing other things. I see it a lot here, and it tells me a lot about the person commenting.

 

Gotta look at everything, see the big picture.

 

[katiegrl]

Knee jerk, zero'ing on certain things, missing other things. I see it a lot here, and it tells me a lot about the person commenting.

 

Gotta look at everything, see the big picture.

 

 

Well with respect dobie, you've done the same. Not on this thread, but on others. We all miss things from to time. It happens.

 

But in essence I agree with you.....it bugs me when I see others commenting after missing info posted in the original or subsequent posts ....and here I am doing it myself!

 

My bad and lesson learned. Appreciate your setting me straight.

Edited January 24, 2016 by katiegrl