After he pulls away?

[joi]

What is the best way to handle it when a man comes back from withdrawing after intimacy? Do I slowly ease back into the relationship or go on as usual?

 

My guy went through the dreaded pull back phase this week. A part of me worried that he might be losing interest, but I'm almost sure it's because he freaked out and/or is re-evaluating our relationship.

 

I say that because we're hitting the one-year mark soon, my birthday/valentine's day is coming up (pressure?), and what happened this weekend:

 

- He finally opened up to me about his family/past, things that he's never told anyone. He asked me why it was always so easy opening up to me and thanked me for accepting him for who he is and not judging him (honestly, if anything, I fell even more in love with him).

 

- We talked about our future and moving in together by the end of the year. We spontaneously went house hunting and visited some open houses in the area. (All initiated by him)

 

- That night we had the most passionate and intense sex we've ever had (sorry if TMI). His words, not mine, but I feel the same way. Before we went to work in the morning, he kissed me and held me and said he has never felt this way about any woman before.

 

I barely heard from him all week. He never contacted me, but he did quickly reply to my texts on Tuesday saying hi and asking how he was (since I hadn't heard from him), and on Wednesday to confirm something for next week. I then said he has been on my mind and no reply.

 

He came back around today, Friday. He texted me saying hi and how my day was going. I asked how he was, he said he was fine and I never replied. I wanted to keep the convo going, but I feel like if he wanted to talk he'd be the one doing that.

 

I so badly want to tell him that I miss him and want to see him, but I'm going to feel like an idiot if he doesn't reply again. Since he's the one withdrawing, he should be initiating a date, right?

 

At the same time, I want to make myself scarce and see if he'll truly come back to me. Feels like he is still in distance/man-caving mode. If he is re-evaluating our relationship, I want to give him all the space possible and figure it out in my absence. His absence has also taught me how to be without him and re-evaluate our relationship as well.

 

Am I doing the right thing?

 

Some background info: I am 32, he is 33. He has been divorced for 5 years, has sole custody of one child from that marriage. This is his first relationship since the divorce, so when we first got together he was scared of getting hurt, but he wanted to take the chance with me. He did pull away when we hit the 3-month mark, but it was nothing like this.

Edited January 23, 2016 by joi

[mrldii]

Reads like he's scared to death...and trying to acclimate to the fact that he's fallen/falling/falling even deeper for you.

 

Rather than 'playing games' with him/about it, I'd probably just go on being 'me'...and especially being That Really Good 'Me' that I find myself being when I'm in love with him...

 

...giving him a safe, soft place to land, rather than trying to figure out how best to get the upper hand or back on equal footing with him in the relationship, again.

 

 

Best of luck to you, OP...you'll figure out what's best for the two of you - which includes what's best for him during this very vulnerable time for him.

 

 

[Gaeta]

I so badly want to tell him that I miss him and want to see him, but I'm going to feel like an idiot if he doesn't reply again. Since he's the one withdrawing, he should be initiating a date, right?

 

At the same time, I want to make myself scarce and see if he'll truly come back to me. Feels like he is still in distance/man-caving mode. If he is re-evaluating our relationship, I want to give him all the space possible and figure it out in my absence. His absence has also taught me how to be without him and re-evaluate our relationship as well.

 

Am I doing the right thing?

 

Some background info: I am 32, he is 33. He has been divorced for 5 years, has sole custody of one child from that marriage. This is his first relationship since the divorce, so when we first got together he was scared of getting hurt, but he wanted to take the chance with me. He did pull away when we hit the 3-month mark, but it was nothing like this.

 

After one year dating and being in love and making future plans with each other I hope to god it's ok to tell a man that we miss him.

 

Why in the world do you want to resort to those dating games? You 2 have grown above this.

 

It's ok to give him his space, you've done it this week. Now that it's been a full week if you feel him being different this weekend then talk about it with him. If you want to live together better get that communication going.

[joi]

Reads like he's scared to death...and trying to acclimate to the fact that he's fallen/falling/falling even deeper for you.

 

Rather than 'playing games' with him/about it, I'd probably just go on being 'me'...and especially being That Really Good 'Me' that I find myself being when I'm in love with him...

 

...giving him a safe, soft place to land, rather than trying to figure out how best to get the upper hand or back on equal footing with him in the relationship, again.

 

 

Best of luck to you, OP...you'll figure out what's best for the two of you - which includes what's best for him during this very vulnerable time for him.

 

 

Thanks, I didn't really think of it as playing games, but I see what you mean.

 

I like the idea of giving him a safe, soft place to land. I thought that's what I was doing when I told him he had been on my mind, but there was no response. Maybe now it will be different since he has contacted me?

[joi]

After one year dating and being in love and making future plans with each other I hope to god it's ok to tell a man that we miss him.

 

Why in the world do you want to resort to those dating games? You 2 have grown above this.

 

It's ok to give him his space, you've done it this week. Now that it's been a full week if you feel him being different this weekend then talk about it with him. If you want to live together better get that communication going.

 

I think you misunderstand or I didn't explain myself very well.

 

It's not about communication or whether it's okay to say that I miss him. I have no problem talking to him about this.

 

It's that I'm not sure if it's the right moment to do be emotional with him while he is still in "pulling away" mode. From experience, addressing the issue *now* usually makes things worse, especially if he was already feeling pressured.

[Robratory]

I asked how he was, he said he was fine and I never replied. I wanted to keep the convo going, but I feel like if he wanted to talk he'd be the one doing that.

 

I so badly want to tell him that I miss him and want to see him, but I'm going to feel like an idiot if he doesn't reply again. Since he's the one withdrawing, he should be initiating a date, right?

 

At the same time, I want to make myself scarce and see if he'll truly come back to me. Feels like he is still in distance/man-caving mode. If he is re-evaluating our relationship, I want to give him all the space possible and figure it out in my absence. His absence has also taught me how to be without him and re-evaluate our relationship as well.

 

Am I doing the right thing?

 

Eh, I'm going to say no. I don't think we should play those pretend cold-shoulder games in a relationship. After being together almost a year, the partners in a couple owe each other honesty, at the very least.

 

This whole act about, "Oh, I am a tormented man! I must disappear! I must climb the mountain and be alone!," please... it's bull. Don't put up with it for even ten seconds. Either he tells you what the if-you-see-Kay is going on, or send him packing. And if the act is sincere, it's worse. Now you have a 30-something-year-old man-child on your hands.

 

He owes you an explanation. Don't feel bad for demanding it. You consider discussing the larger issue here. It's not normal to have periods of emotional withdrawal like you describe. You can't have a normal relationship with someone who has to head for the hills every full moon because he's a werewolf.

Edited January 23, 2016 by Robratory

[Gaeta]

It's that I'm not sure if it's the right moment to do be emotional with him while he is still in "pulling away" mode. From experience, addressing the issue *now* usually makes things worse, especially if he was already feeling pressured.

 

Having a discussion with a man is not being emotional.

 

Saying something like: How are you? I noticed you were very busy this week. Is not going to push him away. You don't need to make this about 'feelings'.

 

And a small trick for you. We know men don't like talking about their feelings. They hear the word 'feelings' and they're in panic mode. So when you want to have a conversation change the word 'feel' for 'think'. Men love we ask them what they think!

 

Example: What do you 'think' about us living together type of question.

[joi]

Eh, I'm going to say no. I don't think we should play those pretend cold-shoulder games in a relationship. After being together almost a year, the partners in a couple owe each other honesty, at the very least.

 

This whole act about, "Oh, I am a tormented man! I must disappear! I must climb the mountain and be alone!," please... it's bull. Don't put up with it for even ten seconds. Either he tells you what the if-you-see-Kay is going on, or send him packing. And if the act is sincere, it's worse. Now you have a 30-something-year-old man-child on your hands.

 

He owes you an explanation. Don't feel bad for demanding it. You consider discussing the larger issue here. It's not normal to have periods of emotional withdrawal like you describe. You can't have a normal relationship with someone who has to head for the hills every full moon because he's a werewolf.

 

This is exactly how I feel. So I mean it's not really a pretend cold-shoulder thing that I'm doing, I'm acting out of how I feel. The result of how his week-long withdrawal, especially after I have already asked if everything was okay. At the same time I'm trying to be understanding.

[joi]

Having a discussion with a man is not being emotional.

 

Saying something like: How are you? I noticed you were very busy this week. Is not going to push him away. You don't need to make this about 'feelings'.

 

And a small trick for you. We know men don't like talking about their feelings. They hear the word 'feelings' and they're in panic mode. So when you want to have a conversation change the word 'feel' for 'think'. Men love we ask them what they think!

 

Example: What do you 'think' about us living together type of question.

 

I appreciate the advice, but I don't think we are on the same page. It's not about the discussion at all. I just want to know if I should be easing back in to the relationship or just go on like usual.

 

Also, I have already asked him on Tuesday if everything was okay, he said it was fine. If we were to discuss this or any relationship things again, it would be in person.

 

The emotional part - maybe emotional was the wrong word - what I meant is if he is already feeling pressured about our relationship, something as simple as telling him I miss him is probably not what he needs right now. Considering that me telling him he was on my mind was met with radio silence, I don't know how he reacted to that so I don't know how he'll react to an "I miss you" text either.

 

And I'm not going down the "noticed you've been busy this week" road. That's not authentic at all. I would just be honest about the situation because he definitely has not just been busy.

Edited January 23, 2016 by joi

[Gaeta]

I appreciate the advice, but I don't think we are on the same page. It's not about the discussion at all. I just want to know if I should be easing back in to the relationship or just go on like usual.

 

Also, I have already asked him on Tuesday if everything was okay, he said it was fine. If we were to discuss this or any relationship things again, it would be in person.

 

The emotional part - maybe emotional was the wrong word - what I meant is if he is already feeling pressured about our relationship, something as simple as telling him I miss him is probably not what he needs right now. Considering that me telling him he was on my mind was met with radio silence, I don't know how he reacted to that so I don't know how he'll react to an "I miss you" text either.

 

And I'm not going down the "noticed you've been busy this week" road. That's not authentic at all. I would just be honest about the situation because he definitely has not just been busy.

 

You're hard to understand. You don't want to use the 'I notice you've been busy' cause it sounds fake but you were ready to play 'scarce' a few minutes ago.

 

I have notice you were busy this week is the best approach. It means you have noticed he was absent but you're not jumping the gun and assuming it was for the worse (ignoring you). It also shows you have trust in him and in your relationship and that's why your mind is not going to the worse conclusion. It's an nonthreatening conversation opener. On the other hand are you ok is not a conversation opener. Ask anyone around you are you ok? and you will always get the same answer. It's not inviting to a conversation, it's simply pushing for a confidence. People never answer the truth when asked are you ok.

 

That being said welcome him back as if nothing happened and observe.

[joi]

You're hard to understand. You don't want to use the 'I notice you've been busy' cause it sounds fake but you were ready to play 'scarce' a few minutes ago.

 

I have notice you were busy this week is the best approach. It means you have noticed he was absent but you're not jumping the gun and assuming it was for the worse (ignoring you). It also shows you have trust in him and in your relationship and that's why your mind is not going to the worse conclusion. It's an nonthreatening conversation opener. On the other hand are you ok is not a conversation opener. Ask anyone around you are you ok? and you will always get the same answer. It's not inviting to a conversation, it's simply pushing for a confidence. People never answer the truth when asked are you ok.

 

That being said welcome him back as if nothing happened and observe.

 

I'm sorry if I am hard to understand, but you have also been quickly drawing conclusions. Don't know if you're projecting from your own experiences, but not sure where you're getting some things.

 

Like I said in my posts I am not "playing." I am acting out of how I genuinely feel. I am not playing "scarce," I *want* to be scarce because it's how his withdrawal has made me feel. It has made me want to distance myself so he can figuring things out on his own.

 

I see what you mean about asking if he is okay, but I disagree about saying he's been busy. I'm not sure where you got that I am jumping to the worst conclusion or that he is ignoring me, that's not what's happening here at all. I am secure in our relationship, which is why I didn't freak out when I hadn't heard from him and am totally okay with giving him space.

 

I also see where you're coming from with being nonthreatening, but I would still really just be honest about what's going on. If I'm in a relationship with someone, I shouldn't have to resort with lines like that or approach issues from an inauthentic place.

 

Thank you either way.

[candie13]

OP, do not dump your emotional expectations onto him. Stay calm & composed and mirror back his attitude and action. He pulls away ? Give him space. Allow him to figure things out. All men / women have doubts. If you pressure him or get clingy or get into "we need to talk" attitude", you Will react according to your weakness & own doubts. Remember, he owes you nothing.

 

Give him plenty of space and time. He will first appreciate it and secondly, he Will miss you. Last thing you want is to act needy or bat**** crazy, freaking out because of his pulling away. It's not easy, but if there ever was a Time to think with your head instead of giving in to emotions, this is it.

 

Let him figure it out. Be empathic. He Will talk when he is ready. Most men do. Come here, vent, complain, scream & shout - just do not do it with him or in front of him. He cannot figure out his thing & take care of your emotional needyness. It's what partners do, are strong for eachother in Times of need. He'll come around, i am sure. And would love you & appreciate you further more for being empathic to his need if Space instead of judging him & being in his case.

 

My 2 cents

[Maggie4]

You want to know what you should do when he comes back. That's assuming you can choose. For example, if I am angry with my partner and I don't want to be intimate. It's not because I am withholding sex to punish or to play games. It's because I cannot bring myself to do it when I'm angry with him.

You talked about possibly going on as if nothing happened. Can you? Without putting on an act? I think you should just be true to yourself.

You are so young, you are not trying to strategize the best way to keep a man. Just be yourself.

[dobielover]

I wholeheartedly disagree with Gaeta.

 

Listen to Candie.

Mirror him.

 

Men withdraw when they feel overwhelmed. Questions add pressure. Do not reach out to him to ask him questions when he's caving. No. None of that. Do not say you notice he's different. Don't ask if he's okay. Don't ask if you're okay. Just accept it, and be yourself, get on with your lovely life, and be warm and lovely and accepting when he comes back fully.

 

Mirror him.

 

He pulls back, you do too - WITHOUT DRAMA. Drama to a man is anything that sounds like, "Where did you go/why???"

 

Understand his need for space, and give it to him.

[joi]

OP, do not dump your emotional expectations onto him. Stay calm & composed and mirror back his attitude and action. He pulls away ? Give him space. Allow him to figure things out. All men / women have doubts. If you pressure him or get clingy or get into "we need to talk" attitude", you Will react according to your weakness & own doubts. Remember, he owes you nothing.

 

Give him plenty of space and time. He will first appreciate it and secondly, he Will miss you. Last thing you want is to act needy or bat**** crazy, freaking out because of his pulling away. It's not easy, but if there ever was a Time to think with your head instead of giving in to emotions, this is it.

 

Let him figure it out. Be empathic. He Will talk when he is ready. Most men do. Come here, vent, complain, scream & shout - just do not do it with him or in front of him. He cannot figure out his thing & take care of your emotional needyness. It's what partners do, are strong for eachother in Times of need. He'll come around, i am sure. And would love you & appreciate you further more for being empathic to his need if Space instead of judging him & being in his case.

 

My 2 cents

 

I'm not sure I agree that he owes me nothing. I think if someone has invested their time and emotions on you, you owe them the decency to tell them what's going on or at least if you need space or whatever. Yet, I also know that we're only human and not everyone is capable of doing that, especially when they are going through things, we can be really selfish and you just need the right partner to understand that. I think I got lucky in that I have a pretty good idea of what's going on with him, but if I had no clue and he just disappeared like this I would be SO angry with him and feel like he absolutely owed me an explanation.

 

I really like that bolded part. That's how I see relationships too and is one of the reasons I'm not being as neurotic with it as I would have been in the past.

 

It definitely isn't easy though. You are right. I think that's why I posted here. Really needed to vent.

Edited January 23, 2016 by joi

[joi]

You want to know what you should do when he comes back. That's assuming you can choose. For example, if I am angry with my partner and I don't want to be intimate. It's not because I am withholding sex to punish or to play games. It's because I cannot bring myself to do it when I'm angry with him.

You talked about possibly going on as if nothing happened. Can you? Without putting on an act? I think you should just be true to yourself.

You are so young, you are not trying to strategize the best way to keep a man. Just be yourself.

 

That's such a good point. Right now I feel like I can't choose because him pulling away is making me pull away too. Such that now that he comes back a week later I don't really know what to do or say because I'm so peeved.

 

Just to be clear, I'm not strategizing the best way to keep him. If he decides to leave, fine. It will suck, but I'll move on. I'm strategizing the best way to handle the situation. I want to welcome him back with open arms, but it's difficult, especially when it was just a brief text. Kind of felt like, okay what am I supposed to do with that? That's what "being myself" is doing right now - withdrawing so I don't become angry or resentful, but it's so difficult.

[candie13]

OP... He feels what he feels because of himself, not because of you. He got scared because other people wounded him or other RS turned out disappointing. Yes, he got involved with you, yes, you do have a relationship, but you cannot only love thr good, The times when he shows up & makes you happy. It's almost like you need to accept & love his dark side, his weaknesses, his insecurities. He is in his own journey. You cannot say to him - oh, but you promised me this. He may have. He may have even been honest ... But he also needs to be true to himself & fight his own internal battles. Yeah, i agrée, it'll slow him down & it'lil slow you down... As long as he doesn't give up, Run away & hide, then you know you have a good man by your side & an authentic connection.

 

The real f*ck up is that there is no right & wrong in RS. There are people ready to face their fears & go on and people who give in to their fears and quit. And it's an everyday challenge.

 

I understand your potential feelings of anger and emotion & incimprehension... Very natural & human. But they are your feelings. Your frustration. Your projections. Your expectations- however much entitled you think you were...

 

I know i try to remind myself daily these things, i also project & have expectations etc... If i didn't, i would hsve reached The Nirvana already, hahaha!

 

Observe. Try to stay as detached as possible and observe without reacting. You get to meet his demons - and just as they can get him, they can get you... Make it easier on your bf and let him fight one battle at a time. This is Why RS see not easy. They bring out all sort of stuff we have not digested / gotten over yet.

 

Vent away, be angry here, and stay cool with him.

[candie13]

That's such a good point. Right now I feel like I can't choose because him pulling away is making me pull away too. Such that now that he comes back a week later I don't really know what to do or say because I'm so peeved.

 

Just to be clear, I'm not strategizing the best way to keep him. If he decides to leave, fine. It will suck, but I'll move on. I'm strategizing the best way to handle the situation. I want to welcome him back with open arms, but it's difficult, especially when it was just a brief text. Kind of felt like, okay what am I supposed to do with that? That's what "being myself" is doing right now - withdrawing so I don't become angry or resentful, but it's so difficult.

 

I have no idea how you can deal with your own disappointment. It's normal, It is ok to be disappointed. The only thing I can say is - do not show it to him. It's almost like practicing inconditional love, loving someone when they least deserve to be loved...

 

Let him come to you and do not judge him. Be busy with other things. See what he says and how he reacts when he does come to see you again....

 

See, there'sa fine line between allowing a man to struggle & allowing him to take advantage of your closeness. You're Smart, you'll figure it out. I am sure you can make the difference between The two.

[testmeasure]

Some background info: I am 32, he is 33. He has been divorced for 5 years, has sole custody of one child from that marriage. This is his first relationship since the divorce, so when we first got together he was scared of getting hurt, but he wanted to take the chance with me. He did pull away when we hit the 3-month mark, but it was nothing like this.

 

How old is the child? Sole custody? How did that happen? What do you know about the ex he had the child with and the circumstances of the divorce?

 

First there is the simple fact that if the child is under 18, he is making a decision for 2. He may be totally comfortable with where he is headed with you, and not have any problem with any of how you reacted.

 

Maybe he didn't expect you to reciprocate as much as you did and he is thrilled that you did. If he wanted it, and you reciprocated maybe he got more than he expected.

 

But that's all you and him. He may just need some time to process this from the kid's perspective. The oldest the kid could probably be is 13, the youngest 5 or 6. It looks to me like the kid is between 6 and 13. If you guys made some big moves forward last weekend, he may need some space to separate himself and consider it from the kid's perspective. That's good and healthy.

 

Imagine he goes forward without giving any thought to the kid. That's not good for anyone. If he's doing it during the week while the two of you are apart anyway, isn't that the best time? I'm not saying he's questioning it or doubting it or pulling back. Or having to-remake the decision from a 3rd perspective. Please don't jump to assumptions and worries. Quite the opposite he may be thrilled and now thinking it over in his mind how he can make it work for the kid. What does he tell the kid? How does he tell the kid?

 

It's a strange situation for the guy to have sole. There has got to be some story. Maybe the kid didn't do well with the mother or the mother with the kid. Now you're going to be in that role. That would give him a lot to think about. But don't assume he's questioning or pulling back. He maybe taking time to figure how to make your move forward together a good experience for the kid as well. All three of you will be far better off if he takes a little time and space to figure that out.

 

There is another whole set of variables with the ex. Is she in the picture at all? Even with supervised visitation? Was their divorce high conflict.

 

After high conflict divorces (regardless of who initiated the divorce), often the ex goes ballistic and does just crazy insane stuff any time they find out there is another woman in the picture, and then again when the guy gets remarried. I see that you say this is his first relationship since the divorce. If word got back to the ex, he could have his hands real full. He probably couldn't and wouldn't want to explain that in a text message.

 

Then there is the simple one. He has a kid. Something completely unrelated to you could be going on with the kid that requires his attention. You need to expect him to be able to focus on the kid when something comes up. Kids generally do better with both parents. Even if this hasn't shown up as a behavioral issue for the kid yet, it could at any time. Really, if things can work for the two of you and move forward, and you guys get married, and you even one day adopt the kid, that might be the best outcome for the kid. He has strong incentive to take the time to make sure your moves forward work out well for the kid, because the potential benefit to the kid, particularly the younger the kid is, are high.

 

Setting the kid aside. With this whole change in communication thing, 1 year in you should trust him enough not to worry about it till you can talk to him about it. And don't ask in a way that shows concern or makes assumptions. Just ask and then listen to what he says about it. Once you know his perspective and his answer why, then focus on what actually happened and talk about it if you need to. But I bet once you know his actual perspective and his actual reasoning, 9 times out of 10, there won't be anything to talk about.

 

Any time you spend worrying before then is a waste of time. If you let unconfirmed assumptions, speculation, and worry change your own behavior then it's potentially damaging. If that happens, hopefully he does what you didn't and just waits to talk to you about it without making any assumptions. If he reciprocates by worrying and changing his behavior more, you get this whole cold war like escalation of speculation, unconfirmed assumptions, and worry without any actual communication to validate any of it. I don't see how that can be healthy for a relationship.

 

If the 3 of you move in together, it is very important to let him take the lead on deciding your role with the kid. Technically you're legal stranger to the child. Even if you get married, you're a legal stranger to the child. The term "Step Mom" is not a technical one. It's a made-up word. In the eyes of the law, he is the parent. Follow his lead with everything regarding the child. Do not make any assumptions or let yourself feel you've earned, are entitled to anything or that you have any authority what so ever. You are a legal stranger. He may want you to be more than that, but that's his decision, follow his lead.

 

It might be very helpful to all 3 of you if he could see you taking the child into consideration as a part of this. For example, on the morning he left, you could have asked him: "Do you need any time to think this over for the kid? I mean to figure out how you can make the change as good as possible for the kid?" Do you see how that shows you are thinking of how to make it a win-win-win for all 3 of you? Do you see how that shows you respect that he is the one who is the parent with the authority? Do you see how that shows you are supportive of him doing what he needs to do to make it a win-win-win for all 3 of you.

 

 

Maybe you're already doing that kind of thing.

 

The thing is, you said so little about the kid, 90% of what I've written her could be totally off base. Start making the kid one of your first thoughts and not a back story in the last paragraph. Show that you are thoughtful about the kids interests and making everything a 3-way-win. Show respect for the fact that he is the parent. Show supportiveness for anything he needs to do to make things a win-win-win.

 

I hope I didn't just make you worry more and make more assumptions.

 

.

Edited January 23, 2016 by testmeasure

[testmeasure]

There's a kid involved that no one is talking about. Kind of including you. (No details about the kid, only a back story in the last paragraph.)

 

Many of the responses you've gotten are from people who just know, for sure, exactly why he is doing what he's doing. Even with a kid involved? Really?

 

I just hope that once you find out the real story, it will be one that teaches you to turn away from unconfirmed fear and speculation.

 

Even if he did get some kind of cold feet because of his past or because of the kid, that doesn't make jumping straight to that without confirmation right or healthy. Even if your worst fears and some of the other posters worst fears end up being correct, that doesn't make jumping straight to them right or healthy.

 

Hopefully I've offered enough to show that the world is bigger than your unconfirmed fear about his change in communication. Hopefully even if your worst fear does by chance end up being a factor, you can see the world is bigger than that and you shouldn't jump straight to it.

 

You're 1 year in. Rely on actual communication. Not unconfirmed assumptions and worry in absence of communication.

Edited January 23, 2016 by testmeasure

[acrosstheuniverse]

Maybe I'm in the minority here but I don't think it's remotely acceptable to freeze your partner out for an entire week when you've been together a year and have discussed moving in. For me, that's emotional cruelty. He could have said to you 'I'm pretty overwhelmed with how fast this is going and need some time to think' and it would have hurt, but at least you'd have known. Just to do the disappearing act and not give you any explanation is cruel, you're left there dangling in the wind with no idea what the status of the relationship is, I'm sure he knows full well how hard this must be for you.

 

A grown, mature adult could tell you how it is, and if they need space, explain before disappearing. We're not talking within the first month of dating, we're talking a year, and after discussing moving in together. This **** wouldn't fly with me, by the time a week went by I'd have called asking to meet, and explained that I can tell things are off on his end, is there something he needs to tell me or talk to me about. And if he couldn't give an honest explanation, I think I'd be talking about calling it a day or seeing other people for a while. This sends the message that you won't put up with this stuff. I'm not into the softly softly catchee monkey stuff of 'let him pull away, it's natural for me, mirror and give him a soft place to land' because this isn't how you should treat your partner after a year together. Is this how he's going to handle relationship difficulties if you two get married or you live together? And if I tried to do what he's doing to a partner, I'd have far more respect and attraction for him if he called me out on it and asked to know what was going on / demonstrated he wasn't afraid to walk away because the relationship wasn't meeting his needs, than I would if he just tried to act like nothing had happened and was his same old sweet self when I pulled my head out of my ass finally.

 

I think he's reconsidering the relationship, after the intensity of talking about moving in together, maybe it just doesn't feel right, maybe he's had doubts for a while and has tried to see how he'd feel moving things forward and he realised it wasn't going to work out... only he actually knows this, but at this stage of the relationship, after a whole week, you deserve to know too.

 

So, that's how I'd handle it. He needs to man up and clue you in on what's going on in his head because it affects you too. I'd rather be single than go through this agony of a whole week of feeling someone pull away outta the blue, it's a gnawing, horrible, chewing feeling and you can barely think of anything else. If there's some kind of reason, fine, but you shouldn't put up with this kind of behaviour.

[candie13]

i don't think it's remotely acceptable to freeze your partner out for an entire week when you've been together a year and have discussed moving in. For me, that's emotional cruelty. He could have said to you 'I'm pretty overwhelmed with how fast this is going and need some time to think' and it would have hurt, but at least you'd have known. Just to do the disappearing act and not give you any explanation is cruel, you're left there dangling in the wind with no idea what the status of the relationship is, I'm sure he knows full well how hard this must be for you.

apologies, but these are your own fears talking. The op knows where she is - in à strong, commited RS with her bf. It is not because he reached out to her less for s week that she Will start question all their RS. That is unsecurity. It is not fine, It is not nice, but It is not cruel. To thyself be true. Unfortunately, when we got stuff going, we got stuff going. They sometimes take over. It doesn't make us perfect, perfection does not exist. We are all flawed. If you love someone, you allow them to be weak - within limits.

 

a grown man would tell you how it is, and if they need space, explain before disappearing. We're not talkin within the first month of dating, we're talking a year, and after discussing moving in together

. See, you hsve no idea. You are not dating him. You project your own frustration onto the OP. you have no idea if what's really going on. None of us does.

 

Him pulling away is not him reconsidering the RS. It is him taking Time to Digest what happens. The mère fact that a woman would be freaking out like that would be a huge turn off. Sure, what he's doing is not cool or worthy of applause. It is s bit ****ty, but lord knows I can't slways be perfect with my partner and need Time in my own to think things through. Anyways ... drama shows insecurity & with no faith in thr RS, how can it hold ? It's like a self fullfiling prophecy.

[Gaeta]

I wholeheartedly disagree with Gaeta.

 

Listen to Candie.

Mirror him.

 

Men withdraw when they feel overwhelmed. Questions add pressure. Do not reach out to him to ask him questions when he's caving. No. None of that. Do not say you notice he's different. Don't ask if he's okay. Don't ask if you're okay. Just accept it, and be yourself, get on with your lovely life, and be warm and lovely and accepting when he comes back fully.

 

Mirror him.

 

He pulls back, you do too - WITHOUT DRAMA. Drama to a man is anything that sounds like, "Where did you go/why???"

 

Understand his need for space, and give it to him.

 

I never said to reach to him while he is caving. I said to wait this weekend when if he back to himself.

 

I never said to tell him she noticed he's different.

 

I never said to ask him if he's okay, actually I told her not to.

 

And I told her to act normal when he comes back

 

What do you disagree with exactly?

Edited January 23, 2016 by Gaeta

[katiegrl]

>>>>>"Him pulling away is not him reconsidering the relationship. "<<<<

 

------

 

With respect candie13, how do you know what he's thinking?

 

You act like no man on the face of the earth has ever faded or ghosted before. You act like no man struggles with commitment issues....and just up and disappears from a relationship after a year, two years or even longer sometimes...never to be heard from again.

 

This *does* happen, and it can be quite devastating for the recipient of that behavior.

 

I understand caving too. I understand the need for space. But for the love of God, if the person needing space **for more than a few days*** can't speak with his/her partner and at least tell them they are struggling with some issues and need some time to think, then what the hell kind of relationship is that?

 

And how long is a woman, the woman he is supposed to be in a committed relationship with, supposed to wait ...before she realizes that her boyfriend has in fact, faded, or worse, ghosted and he is never coming back? Again, this is reality, it does happen.

 

Is there some sort of acceptable time period which allows him to disappear, leaving his partner in the dark, not knowing what the hell is going on ...with no consequences to him?

 

Where does HIS responsibility to communicate with his partner come into play?

 

As I said, I completely understand the need for space for a few dsys. Hell, there have been times when I need my space too!

 

But when it gets to be a week+ .... and still no word, within the context of a *committed* relationship, that is just inconsiderate and rude, and completely unfair to your partner.

 

I am so tired of advice to women telling them to just sit back, be patient, be understanding, don't speak up, suppress your feelings ...men will be men, etc....what a bunch of ****.

 

If a woman feels hurt or angry when her boyfriend treats her inconsiderately or disrespectfully ..then damit she has a right to those feelings.

 

And if, as a result of those feelings, SHE needs to pull back, then she should!

 

I absolutely agree she should *not* go all psycho, batshyt crazy on him, unleashing her fury. That would not be productive and would not solve anything.

 

But pulling back herself in response to a man pulling back? Yes I agree with that .... if that is what SHE needs to do.

 

JMO, but I think it's time we start expecting more from the men we get involved with, and more from our relationships. Just as THEY should start expecting more from the women they date too.

 

This caving (for a week+) with no word, fading or ghosting, disappearing is just wrong and not acceptable IMO.

 

joi, I am sorry you're going through this. My advice is be true to yourself!

 

If you feel angry and want to pull back, even IF and when he decides he ever wants to return and finally communicate with you, then by all means pull back.

 

Take whatever time YOU need to deal with this ...and come to a good place, so that when you DO talk, you can do so in a calm, rational manner, making the right decision for you, whether that be remaining in this relationship or choosing to move on.

 

You take care of YOU. Protect your heart. It's your heart on the line here, and no one else's.

 

As for him, obviously he knows how to take of himself....which he is doing right now, with NO thought or regard to how you are feeling or how his disappearing act is affecting you.

 

IMO, that IS cruel....selfish, and inconsiderate.

 

A few days caving --- no problem.

 

But this? No thank you!

Edited January 23, 2016 by katiegrl

[dobielover]

It is not cruel, selfish, and unkind to act biologically and naturally and instinctively. And to think that way about another's actions shows that you're not really in control of your emotions, that you're letting someone else affect you too much, that you're more invested than he is, which is exactly why he instinctively pulling away in this situation.

 

The most common reason is due to him beginning to feel you are more invested than he is. You see when a man feels you are more invested, it puts pressure on him. Pressure is often why men pull away. He starts to feel responsible for your happiness. He may suddenly feel as if he just can’t make you happy like you want to be made happy. When a man senses he has let you down, he doesn’t feel good. Men fall in love with the way you make them feel. If they feel bad with your disappointment, they won’t bond truly with you. He is feeling that your happiness may be becoming dependent on him, which feels like pressure to him.

 

When a man pulls away and you resist this in anyway, you are confirming to him that you are more invested in him than he is in you. He has no fear of losing you at this point, that much is obvious as he is pulling away. When you resist, you show him fear. You are fearing losing him, which is showing him even more that you are way more invested.

 

When you resist him pulling away, you are also not showing that you trust his judgment, which also does believe it or not show him you don’t trust him. It goes without saying that trust is important. If a man is pulling away, trust that he does know his own mind and any attempt at convincing him otherwise is invalidating his judgment. It also makes him feel you only have your interests at heart, and not his, that you're selfish. If you really think about it, it is your interest that you are focused on when you resist when he pulls away.

 

So what to do when he pulls away? You let him go freely! No drama. You wish him well and by no means tell him you will wait for him or prompt him in any way. This means not telling him “call me when you are ready” or “let me know when you are ready to talk” or anything of that sort at all. It again shows fear and your insecurity. Your insecurity may be the thing he senses that is causing the pull away to start with, so don’t validate this even further for him.

 

Mirror his actions that’s what to do when he pulls away. You pull away also, not rudely, but just keep on about your life. Pushing a man never works, that just makes him pull away even more. Give him his space without drama. Just give it to him, don’t even talk to him about it. Why? Because men respond to distance, not words.

 

Chances are when you do this when he pulls away, he will notice this. A few days or even weeks may go by and he starts to wonder why you aren’t so concerned. Then his imagination will start working like yours has and you know it has. You wondered if he met someone else, you wonder if he is upset at something you said, you wonder of you did this or that. So that being said, now he wonders. A man’s imagination is your best weapon.

 

Exercise self control. If you are going to fall apart, it’s best to do that after he is gone. Do take this time to do some thinking of your own. If there has been some previous turmoil, you may even suggest that it may not be a bad idea and you could benefit as well. I know this is hard, but trust me, being in control of yourself during these times will leave a positive impression on him. If you are an emotional wreck, he may doubt even further if he wants to continue with you. A woman with self control is downright sexy.

 

In the meantime, while he is pulling away or distant, go on with your life. Do not send texts that you miss him, don’t contact him. He is clearly needing space, so respect his wishes and give it to him. This will allow him to feel safe if and when he should decide to return. A man needs to feel safe. He needs to feel he can go out into the world without you falling apart. It’s something that most look for in a long term partner, for having to shore up your partners weakness is a huge burden to carry.

 

Seriously, when men pull away, let them. No drama. If/when he comes back, you can let him know in a respectful way that although you aren’t happy with his choice, you are aware you can’t force him to feel for you what you feel. He will remember this about you. Your no drama actions will make him feel safe. Give him time to process. He may very well decide that you are worth it after all.

 

I know you will want to question him about why he pulled away, but let it ride for a bit. If it is a case of you are more invested than he is, you pushing will just confirm this for him. If he doesn’t step it back up without your prodding, chances are good you have your answer.