Palliative Posted January 22, 2016 Posted January 22, 2016 After spending time reading through countless posts about infidelity and how to recover from it, I noticed a pattern. People easily gave opinions with knowing much back story. So while I am looking for advice on my situation I want you know more of the story than just the secrets. It may seem from the outside side looking in that I am in a perfect relationship and I thought I was for the most part, but it turns out just to be a pretty picture. I can't turn to my friends and family during this time because I don't want to ruin that picture for them, especially if I am able to forgive and they may not be as forgiving as me when that time comes then I'm back at ground zero trying to repair the relationship for not me but others. I recently became engaged in October of 2015. It was a fairy tale proposal! I was whisked away on a romantic trip after months of intensive studying for school. I had a feeling that this would be the weekend he would propose. I spent days trying to find the right outfit for this perfect weekend. We started the weekend at the lantern festival, that felt magical all on its own, wondering if on his lantern he would write "will you marry me" before he sent it off to the stars. No such luck. We then drove to the airport which was a surprise because I did not pack accordingly but my family did when I wasn't looking. We were off to San francisco! I had never been out west so I was definitely thrilled. We rented a car, toured the city and checked into the most beautiful in Napa Valley. The next morning he told me to get up early and get ready before the sun came up. He told me were going to pick grapes, um okay should be fun. We took a private tour car and stopped to check out all the hot air balloons that would soon be taking off. My dream was to one day be able to take a hot air balloon ride and that dream came true when I was told that there was a cancellation and we good take that spot. Without hesitation I said yes! When we were 1,000 ft in the air we came up on a sign on the ground that said, "will you marry me?". I turned around and there he was down on one knee professing his love for me. I cried and was ready to should yes as I soon as I knew what was going on. I told him when we first started dating in January of 2015 that my dream proposal would be in a hot air balloon over looking the beautiful sensory. He listened. Later that day we took a private wine tour around Napa and had a picnic overlooking the vineyards, while we were serenaded. An epic picture right. I knew from the beginning when we met that he was perfect for me. I had never felt so comfortable around a stranger in my entire life. I am extremely shy but never once around him. He met my family and they absolutely loved him and my families approval means the world to me. We spent endless hours together and took many other trips, like vegas for my birthday and Jamaica for christmas but that isn't what attracts me to him. It's his kind heart, his sense of humor and the fact that he thinks i'm the funniest person in the world, we take interest in each others interest without question, we share the same love for family, encouraged one another to reach for out dreams, supported one another when I was falling apart under the pressure of school and would do anything for each other not to mention a great sex life (because thats what its all about right?). To me, it was perfect. I had been in so many bad and abusive relationships before that I had just about given up on love. He moved to my town in August 2015 to be closer to me instead of two hours away, but finding an available apartment was just about impossible so he stayed with me (at my parents house, because thats where unemployed college students live). They were very accepting of the situation and often enjoy his company when I'm shut up in my room studying. Now heres the story that you don't see from the outside. Lack of trust, not coming from me but him. We had only been together officially for a few weeks when he felt the need to hack, yes hack, all of my social media accounts and read my emails and old messages from previous flings. There was nothing to be found. I had informed my previous flings that I was in a relationship and would no longer be seeing them. A few weeks later after I confronted him and he promised he would never do it again, and I changed all my passwords and set up login notifications, he does it again but this time taking it a step further and blocking all contact with anyone who is a male. Now I would've never noticed it if I wasn't going to block an old fling who wouldn't take the hint. Then I noticed on this block this was my family members, seeing red, I checked all accounts and found the same thing. I contfronted over the phone and he denied it, saying that the phone cliched and did it by itself. infuriating me more, I called it off and told him we were over since he tried to make me look stupid and thinking I was naive. A few days later he showed up at my place with a fair tale apology. Lighting candles down the drive attached each with a note saying what a mistake he made and he stood at the end with flowers and romantic music played. Of course I forgave him because I was blown away by the effort he made, which had never happened to me before. I truly loved him and no was no longer seeing red. He asked me to give all my male friends and which this did not go over well with me. He said he was feeling in secure from the males that messaged me and that he blocked them to stop feeling that way. I told him that wasn't his call and down played my relationship with previous suiters (obviously not the right choice but my intentions were good and later came back to bite me in the ass when he contacted them for previous messages with them.) I told him I would agree to have no contact with exes but not with one who was now just a good friend and nothing more. Back story I dated this gentleman for four years, reconnected for years later and maintained a true mutual friendship. He wouldn't let it go, so I agreed to all his terms with my fingers crossed (another terrible idea, but felt bullied into the situation). He found out later by hacking into my accounts again that I had met up with this friend after we had a fight because I needed to talk to somebody. My best (girl)friend already dislikes him so I didn't want to add fuel to that fire and wanted to preserve what I could of the pretty picture to my family and other friends. This friend he hates with a passion for no other reason than he is an ex of mine was someone I could vent to and cared about my well being but whose end opinion of my relationship didn't matter to me. (Guess I should have went to therapy instead, but in my defense I don't want to lose a friend over a guy who I was unsure about at the time any more because I have done that before and before there was a chance to make amends they died in a car accident, which I can't forgive myself for because the man I chose over that friend is long out of the picture and my friend (who is male) warned me about him since he was also that exes friend. When most of my friends were pushed out of the picture I realized he was right and the fact that faced almost got smashed me, thank God for reflexes). Eventually finding forgiveness we both moved on and decided for a clean slate and not finding anymore problems in the relationship. Two days before christmas my world comes crashing down and I mean hard. I was contacted on FB by a girl with a fake account who wanted to tell me what was happening behind my back. Curiosity got the best me and I messaged her back. It was his lover, an ex, who he mentioned once in the beginning of our relationship that he said suffered from depression. I didn't believe what she was telling me and ended contact, the next day I couldn't concentrate and asked for proof. I got more than I bargained for. A whole video of there message thread showing dates and countless contact with one other. It destroyed me when I read it. He told this other woman he loved her, that he thinks of her when he gets off, and he missed her and know he made a mistake when he ended things with her. (side note: I thought he ended things with her long before me met in December 2015, come to find out they were still together in January when him and I started dated. He told her that our official date of being exclusive wasn't the real date that it was after they broke up, news to me. Also, he never let me live it down that I went out two different dates after I met him but before mine and his second date.) He started messaging or should I say Sexting her in June before we left for my family vacation and ended it at the end of October that I know of, but no official ending she just stopped responding to his messages. I found out she tried to contact me in September via FB but he intercepted and blocked her on my FB (he had full access to my phone and accounts). He was very good at hiding his affair and even told her that since he had had enough experience with it in his first marriage where he cheated on her with 5 different people including this woman. He convinced her that I knew about their messaging and I was okay with it, he convinced her that I was cheating on him with my ex to make sure he covered all this bases so he wouldn't get caught. He blocked her number when they weren't sexting and deleted all messages so I wouldn't find out since I had access to his phone completely (although I never once felt the need to spy). He would sext her when I would be sleeping next to him and sending her dick pics from MY bed. He booked hotel room for them to meet at so they could fulfill their very graphic sexting fantasies when I thought he was meeting his friends for dinner. He got home very late that night. He described in detail how he missed the feeling of her pu**y and how good it felt the next day (this happened two weeks before he proposed to me). He couldn't get enough of her apparently because as soon as we got back from California he messaged her that night while I was sleeping next him how he was thinking about her and her pierced nipples while he touched his self. I found out later they were also having phone sex when I wasn't around (yay for facetime). While reading this graphic affair i found out that our sex life and his fantasies weren't fantasies for the most part, it was his sexual past with this woman. She was everything I was not, she did things I can't dream of doing. Our sex life as I know it, is over. What gets him off is everything but me (should've known since he couldn't get hard when we first met until we started using fantasy). There were so many secrets revealed in this message thread that I still can't choke down. I know that imaging threesomes with black men gets him off the most/fastest and that he made met stranger men online and jerked each other off, what I didn't know was the full extent of his desires for black dick. He spent time at glory holes sucking dick and described how good black men's semen taste and even admitted to f*cking someone through a glory hole. His sex addiction was more than I thought it was. I thought his need to look at porn nightly and get was fine but I didn't realize he also needed another real person. I also found out in this thread about another woman from his work that he kissed. Of course I found out who she was and messaged her but not before I gave him the chance to tell me who she was and was there anything I should no. At first he said I don't know who that is and later said it's a girl I use to work with and have no outside contact with her what so ever. So I messaged her. She told me that they "talked" at work when she was on a break from her boyfriend and that he kissed her at work during break once but that he sent her dick pics through snapchat. I asked him later if there was anything I needed know about her, he denied so I confronted him, He said the same thing she said but the roles were reversed. Angry and confused again. You are probably wondering how I confronted him about the sexting by this point, well on the night before christmas eve I printed off pictures of screen shots of the message thread and let the video play on T.V. and waited for him to come in from work. He of coursed denied like always. He said she is a jilted lover and none of it is true that she faked it. I sit there in silence while he tried to come up with excuses why pictures of his dick from my bed were on her phone. He searched endlessly that night looking at ways at how someone could fake a message thread. I sat there calmly and was like there is no one way this woman put together a 5 month affair so perfectly without flaws in the dates or times of the messages. I knew because I spent hours looking back at the dates and times to see if there was any mistake. He still denied all of it. Hours later he admitted to messaging her some of it to her and that he did send her pictures from my bed. The next day he admitted to a little more and we spent Christmas eve apart. Not having a lot of time to process the whole thing we flew to Jamaica the day after christmas and when we got back my aunt was very ill and went into hospice and passed away a few days later. Now that it is closer to the end of the month and I've known for a month I don't where him and I stand. We went to one couples therapy together and now are seeing separate therapists and I still have no time to really think about what I want since I have my boards exam in a few days, but I can't concentrate on disease processes when this is the only thing I can think about. I am not sure what I am looking for by posting this other than my own therapeutic relief by talking about it but I need something. My therapist tells me to leave, my heart tells me to stay but wedding planning has come to a halt and I can't imagine getting married to him in October 2016. I am so confused right now because I love him but then I think once a cheater always a cheater and why would he treat me any different than he did his first wife? He has to enormous steps to try and rebuild the trust and show that he truly loves me, but does he know what love is or he a serial-lover who can't be single since he wasn't divorced until January 2015. Thanks for listening, Looking for direction anywhere I can find it.
Whoknew30 Posted January 22, 2016 Posted January 22, 2016 I get feelings don't go away over night but girl...RUNNNN! You have no kids, you aren't married & nothing keeping you there. He's a controlling liar & obviously on the DL, you'll never satisfy him sexually bc you don't have a penis. I understand most people on here are married with kids & I try not say just leave bc it's hard when a family is involved but you don't have that. Get yourself some independent therapy to figure out why you allow men to control you (going by what you posted this kind of happened before) cry, eat some icecream & thank god you dodge a bullet before you ever said I do! 2
Whoknew30 Posted January 22, 2016 Posted January 22, 2016 Sorry, I misread the "black penis" part, I thought he was doing it but now I see he was having her do it. Either way, he's not right & you'll have a miserable future with him. If he won't let things go now, how do you think marriage is going to be? Abuse gets worse with stress from marriage & not better. Your best friend hates him, little by little he'll take everyone out of your life till it's just him, then what? An abusive H with no support system & now add kids. What part do you think looks promising, your vacations between cheating & his fits (it will get worse). Him reading & going through all your emails & messages while you sit there alone? Have you told any of your support system about any of this?...friends, family? What do they say?
Marc878 Posted January 22, 2016 Posted January 22, 2016 Leave go completely dark and never look back. You know it too. At this time you are in love with who you thought he was. That person never existed except in your mind. 4
Fleur de cactus Posted January 23, 2016 Posted January 23, 2016 Jut leave, your therapist is right; run as quick as you can. He lives in a fantasies world where you happened to be part of it, but he does not have any true love for you. Once married things will be more complicated and divorce will be hard than calling of the marriage now. Sorry your heart is broken and you do not know what to do now. But stay strong, talk to your therapist and your parents for comfort. Be strong. 2
Mr. Lucky Posted January 23, 2016 Posted January 23, 2016 That person never existed except in your mind. Honestly, I think the whole "proposal in a hot air balloon/candles up the driveway/rose petals everywhere" approach is flawed in that it's a triumph of style over substance. You're supposed to be forming a lifetime bond with your fiance, not filming a reality show. I'm sorry he did this to you but, in the next relationship, would suggest you decide which things are really important. Above ground height when proposing isn't one of them... Mr. Lucky 2
road Posted January 23, 2016 Posted January 23, 2016 Sad this happened to you. Though happy that you found out before you married him. Dump him and go NC.
flowergirl14 Posted January 23, 2016 Posted January 23, 2016 This guy sounds CRAZY !! Like diagnosable personality disorder crazy. Thank god that you discovered this now! Any present or future partner/wife is going to have one bad life. There are soooo many red flags waving at you its like checkered flags at a nascar race. There's posessiveness, lying, cheating, porn, bisexuality, and the list goes on. The fact that he sort of love bombed you with gifts and such seems like a red flag too. Get away! Get away! 1
Mr Blunt Posted January 23, 2016 Posted January 23, 2016 By Palliative I am so confused right now because I love him…. Looking for direction anywhere I can find it. You need a lot of help and support. You say that you are confused after you found out what you told us in your post? I want to try and tell you something but do not want to offend you but I will try. Either your post is a made up story or you have no judgement at all. You may also be so weak that you will avoid clear signs because you are desperate. Anyone with average maturity, discernment, and self-esteem would not be confused about your situation. You boyfriend is a 100% loser and will drag you down to the bottom of life. If you cannot make a solid decision to cut this person completely out of your life then get the right help so that you spare yourself a living hell!
darkbloom Posted January 23, 2016 Posted January 23, 2016 I couldn't even finish your post because all of the red flags were hitting me in the face. I literally stopped at black dick and glory holes. What in the actual f---? 1) your boyfriend is a homosexual 2) he's a liar and manipulative and controlling and slightly psychotic 3) RUN 1
anika99 Posted January 23, 2016 Posted January 23, 2016 Sorry, I misread the "black penis" part, I thought he was doing it but now I see he was having her do it. Either way, he's not right & you'll have a miserable future with him. If he won't let things go now, how do you think marriage is going to be? Abuse gets worse with stress from marriage & not better. Your best friend hates him, little by little he'll take everyone out of your life till it's just him, then what? An abusive H with no support system & now add kids. What part do you think looks promising, your vacations between cheating & his fits (it will get worse). Him reading & going through all your emails & messages while you sit there alone? Have you told any of your support system about any of this?...friends, family? What do they say? It was him having sex with the black men. OP says he spent time at glory holes sucking dick and he talked about how good their semen tasted and he f$$ked someone through the glory hole. OP he is gay or at least bisexual so you will never satisfy his sexual desires but that's the least of it. The worst is that he is so pathologically dishonest, manipulative and controlling that you should fear for your safety. I know that you are hurting and that you just can't turn your feelings for him off like a faucet but you will never have a normal happy relationship with this deeply disturbed disordered and likely narcissistic man. He will not change with counselling but he will manipulate and gaslight you into believing he's changed only to have him destroy you all over again only by that time you might be married with children and then it won't be easy to leave him, it will be a nightmare. You do not want to be tied to this man through shared children because he will F&ck up your life and f$ck up your kids. You have to leave him no matter how painful it feels. I'm sorry but you have to. The pain won't last forever and you will be okay. Good luck. 1
MJJean Posted January 23, 2016 Posted January 23, 2016 That whole big bunch about fairy tales and he did some nice things, blah blah blah? Yeah, none of that means ANYTHING. He's a lying, cheating, bisexual/gay man who also happens to be manipulative and controlling. Who cares if he's good at meaningless romantic gestures? I mean, really, the way this guy behaves is likely to have him doing something grand and romantic to herald the news he brought home an STD. If you have any sense of self preservation, leave. You don't love this man. You love the idea of this man, you love the bullshyte Disney Princess crap, you love an image. You actually have no idea who this man really is and have never known him at all. 1
Dancewithme Posted January 23, 2016 Posted January 23, 2016 I am sorry you are in this f***ked-up situation. Thank goodness the OW showed up to give you the real story, because it appeared you and fiancé were headed off to rainbow and unicorn land. You found out your fiancé was a bisexual, sociopathic liar. The good news: you found out before you married him, or had kids. Cut all ties with this guy, change locks and passwords if necessary, and RUN to your doctor for STD testing! Have a good, cleansing cry, eat some ice cream, and thank God that you dodged this bullet. You will be okay. When one door closes, another always opens.
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