savedbyyou23 Posted January 22, 2016 Posted January 22, 2016 Here's my story Me and my ex were dating for two years. We both come from different backgrounds so a lot of things we don't agree on. We both tried to compromise but I was always the one to mess up. She broke up with me asking for space but I couldn't take it and tried all possible methods to convince her but she wouldn't accept. Decided to go no contact and two months later she came back and wanted to give it another shot. I didn't give in right away. A while after we decided to give it another shot. We were both on edge waiting for any flaw to happen and we will fight and things got rocky again. I'm gonna be honest not because I want her back now but I'm the one who mostly ****ed up. I'm kind of controlling and I don't have much friends so I always wanted her to myself. I tried to convince her again but nothing would change her mind. I got really angry and said some messed up things to her out of anger that I later regretted so much. Sent her an email and spilled my heart out. In the email I wasn't trying to convince her to get back but I told her I know this won't work anymore but just explained how wrong I am for saying all those bad things to her and how it was out of anger. She didn't reply. So right now we haven't been in contact for a month and half. I controlled myself not to stalk her Instagram up until today someone told me that her profile is not private so I couldn't help but look. I got so depressed as she looks like she's happy and living life and beautiful as always. What caught my attention is that in her pics she's still wearing the necklace I bought her. I know that might mean nothing. She never went off of private on Instagram up until now. I really miss her and I've been working on myself and I want her back. There is no way on earth I would initiate contact with her because I'm a very emotional person and if I get ignored or turned down It would kill me. Any suggestions on how I can get her back or if I can still get her back? Will she contact me. I'm hopeless but your thoughts on this would be appreciated. Thank you . 1
DarkHorizon Posted January 22, 2016 Posted January 22, 2016 You apparently hold yourself accountable for most of what went wrong in that relationship, so before thinking about trying to "get her back", you should put some serious effort in treating your controlling behavior. I did have similar problems, and until that isn't fixed, it won't work with her, and it won't work with anyone else, since that behavior is the constant in the equation. After a breakup, we all have to seriously deal with our own issues so we don't bring them into the next relationship and see the whole story repeat itself. 1
DrMario Posted January 23, 2016 Posted January 23, 2016 Focusing on your controlling behaviour should be a priority right now, not because you want her back but because it would benefit your next relationship should she decide to never come back, controlling behaviour is not just a strain in a relationship, it's a trait that will torture you in many walks of life and hinder your progress, you say your an emotional person so I am sure you aren't intentionally behaving like this, sometimes when we cherish somebody or something, it becomes a human instinct to want to protect it and make sure all goes accordingly, your nor a bad person for to our behaviour but it isn't healthy as it can leave most people riddled with anxiety and living on the edge. Most of what you've said otherwise is very much human nature, I can understand why you beat yourself up over it, you've lost somebody you love and you hold yourself to account for it, but its natural and I can guarantee you that everybody acts out of character at times, nobody is perfect, but with time and understanding, you can learn to adapt to a new way of dealing with your problems and acting in positive ways. I don't really know how to advise you going forward other than working on yourself and when you figure some stuff out, maybe drop her a nice positive message and see how she responds. 1
mightycpa Posted January 23, 2016 Posted January 23, 2016 I'll help you out with something. WEARING YOUR NECKLACE MEANS NOTHING. You're looking for deep and special meaning when the girl just likes how it looks on her. That's all. 3
Gmuck Posted January 23, 2016 Posted January 23, 2016 (edited) First and foremost, she broke up with you twice. There is a pattern here. How will you ever get back with her and not think after every fight or her acting weird that she isn't going to leave you. Do you really want to live the rest of your life that way? With that kind of doubt and added anxiety. How much more do you want to invest into this girl? You don't want the third time to be right before your wedding or after you're married. Do you want to possibly go thru that? I doubt it. You aren't "controlling", you are needy. Neediness is the biggest turn off for women. I suspect you have turned her off with your neediness and she's lost attraction along with respect. Your neediness stems from not having friends outside the relationship. Or doing your own "thing" like golfing, bowling league, fitness,etc. Your whole life was her. I can relate, I did the same thing. Her life, family, friends and social life were all mine too. After the break up I lost all that and felt like I lost my identity and who I was. I was dependent on her, codependent and you are as well. You gotta break that. You gotta get friends, get a guy night each week, get a hobby or into a sport, ect... I know it's the samething said over and over but it's true. I bet your ex gf has hobbies, routines, girl nights. That's why she is so happy in those pictures. She still kept a life while in the relationship which is the healthiest and mature thing to do in any relationship. You gotta get on this level. I finally did, I'm still improving, building my life. I look at it in the very back of my mind that by doing this its my back up plan for a future break up. I watched first hand my ex move on from me because she had a strong/solid friend base and weekly activities that involved friends and meeting knew people. She took off after the break up. The necklace, meah don't think it means much. She might not have even thought about if she wears it everyday or maybe it is her reminder. But it's not enough for her to call you or stay with you. This relationship is over. Any chance at all is to walk away and never look back. Strict NC. That will either build enough respect back that she comes back. If not, then at the end she will remember you walked away like a man and let her go. Not a whiny, needy, pathetic, no friends, no life ex bf. Sorry for the tough love but what I said is the reality and possibly what she thinks or has even said to someone. Walk away, go ghost, NC and build a your own little life and network of friends. Maybe she sees you down the road with this improvement in your life and something happens. Don't count on it but if it helps in the beginning then so be it. Move on. 3rd break up will be even worse. Edited January 23, 2016 by Gmuck 2
marky00 Posted January 23, 2016 Posted January 23, 2016 Anything is possible... It just happened to me. I think there was some bad timing here. She waited only 2 months before coming back. That wasn't enough time for both of you (especially you) to fully confront what negative behaviours caused the breakup. It can take months or even even a year to really get to the bottom of "what went wrong". Because this time, its seems a lot more final, you will definately have a deep look at yourself and will work out what behaviours got you into trouble. Time really does heal and almost all things do reset with the exception of cheating, physical abuse or if you caused them severe emotional harm. Doesn't sound like any of that happened so the situation can improve over time. Apology letters generally arent recommended mainly because they usually have alterior motives such as wanting to get back with her or shift blame etc (even if you truly are sorry, that's the way they often come across). As strange as it might seem, its actually better for time to pass so that both people can heal and then at that point, you can maybe send an apology if you feel it will aid in your healing. Once enough time has passed, the apology will likely be received better. 1
Author savedbyyou23 Posted January 24, 2016 Author Posted January 24, 2016 First and foremost, she broke up with you twice. There is a pattern here. How will you ever get back with her and not think after every fight or her acting weird that she isn't going to leave you. Do you really want to live the rest of your life that way? With that kind of doubt and added anxiety. How much more do you want to invest into this girl? You don't want the third time to be right before your wedding or after you're married. Do you want to possibly go thru that? I doubt it. You aren't "controlling", you are needy. Neediness is the biggest turn off for women. I suspect you have turned her off with your neediness and she's lost attraction along with respect. Your neediness stems from not having friends outside the relationship. Or doing your own "thing" like golfing, bowling league, fitness,etc. Your whole life was her. I can relate, I did the same thing. Her life, family, friends and social life were all mine too. After the break up I lost all that and felt like I lost my identity and who I was. I was dependent on her, codependent and you are as well. You gotta break that. You gotta get friends, get a guy night each week, get a hobby or into a sport, ect... I know it's the samething said over and over but it's true. I bet your ex gf has hobbies, routines, girl nights. That's why she is so happy in those pictures. She still kept a life while in the relationship which is the healthiest and mature thing to do in any relationship. You gotta get on this level. I finally did, I'm still improving, building my life. I look at it in the very back of my mind that by doing this its my back up plan for a future break up. I watched first hand my ex move on from me because she had a strong/solid friend base and weekly activities that involved friends and meeting knew people. She took off after the break up. The necklace, meah don't think it means much. She might not have even thought about if she wears it everyday or maybe it is her reminder. But it's not enough for her to call you or stay with you. This relationship is over. Any chance at all is to walk away and never look back. Strict NC. That will either build enough respect back that she comes back. If not, then at the end she will remember you walked away like a man and let her go. Not a whiny, needy, pathetic, no friends, no life ex bf. Sorry for the tough love but what I said is the reality and possibly what she thinks or has even said to someone. Walk away, go ghost, NC and build a your own little life and network of friends. Maybe she sees you down the road with this improvement in your life and something happens. Don't count on it but if it helps in the beginning then so be it. Move on. 3rd break up will be even worse. Thank you so much for sharing your opinion especially that you have been through a similar situation. You are absolutely right in every word you have said above and I will learn from you! Thanks again! 1
Satu Posted January 24, 2016 Posted January 24, 2016 Start here: *No direct contact. *No sending or receiving of messages. *Block any means she might use to contact you. *No replies to anything that gets through your blocks. *No indirect contact through third parties. *De-friend or delete from all social media. No monitoring of her on social media. *No 'little birds' feeding you news. *Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what she is doing or saying. Then work on getting your emotional needs met in a healthy way.
Recommended Posts