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I'm not in an affair but...Is it possible for a man to not be able to fall in love?

giggik

By giggik
in General Relationship Discussion

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bachdude Established Member

bachdude

Posted
Posted
No, it "is" black and white...

 

I spent almost two years trying to "interpret" things a married guy did - like the OP did. At the end of the day, it didn't matter. Last week he made it clear that he never wanted a RL with me and never will.

 

Sitting around pondering "why" some married guy does this/that is a futile waste of time when at the end of the day the "black/white" and simple answer is staring you right there in front of your face.

 

The OP also made it clear that she has no intention of doing anything with him; and, he's clear that he's staying with his wife. Then "why" was this tread even started?:confused:

 

 

I don't mean whether or not the situation is black and white. I'm referring to this,

 

 

"Look, this guy isn't your friend. He isn't a martyr. He's a coward and a loser. He's all about himself."

 

 

Just because he had a close friendship with the OP and confided that he is not "in love" with his wife but does "love" her doesn't make him the awful guy you say he is.

 

 

People rarely fit into such neat and tidy categories.

 

 

Look, OP, it sounds to me that he is pulling away to keep tabs on his own feelings. But you may never know for sure. But whatever the reason it's probably for the best, for the sake of your own heart.

Gloria25 Established Member

Gloria25

Posted
Posted
I don't mean whether or not the situation is black and white. I'm referring to this,

 

 

"Look, this guy isn't your friend. He isn't a martyr. He's a coward and a loser. He's all about himself."

 

 

Just because he had a close friendship with the OP and confided that he is not "in love" with his wife but does "love" her doesn't make him the awful guy you say he is.

 

 

People rarely fit into such neat and tidy categories.

 

 

Look, OP, it sounds to me that he is pulling away to keep tabs on his own feelings. But you may never know for sure. But whatever the reason it's probably for the best, for the sake of your own heart.

 

I stand by my opinion. This guy is a loser and a coward.

 

If he needed to confide in "someone", he could go to a priest, therapist, counselor...not another woman - especially a young coworker that you're attracted to.

 

And this I'm "in love but not in love" is crap. He's having sex with his wife, right? So would he have sex with his sister/mother, etc? In other words, we have "romantic" love (what you would have for a spouse, SO...someone you're having sex with)...then there's "non-romantic" love (likely be a good that you'd have for a friend, relative). So, if he isn't "in" love with his wife, then why is he still having sex with her? Why is he still married? Why would he want to stay "married" to someone that he "loves" like a friend/relative/roommate?

 

People make conscious decisions to date, marry, etc. I met dude pre-marriage. He had the option to back out of it, but didn't. He came and posted about it here on how he was trying to decide between having one type of RL/woman vs another and he decided on her. Now, they're newlyweds and he's "comfortable", but bored out of his flippn mind. He keeps on staring at me, mirroring me, etc in some pathetic attempt to make her "me". Like one day I posted here about a military and guns and he goes on Facebook and posts some picture of his wife at the gun range :rolleyes:.

 

Pleeeze, his loser, overweight wife will never be on my level, but he can keep on wishing she was me...but, my point is, that the OP's guy, just like my dude didn't just wake up out of "love", they married someone they had reservations about and now want to run around ogling, flirting, etc with other women to make up for their miserable existence (which they have no courage to leave) and I don't feel sorry for them...not one bit. I don't respect them either. They're no one's "friend".

joystickd Established Member

joystickd

Posted
Posted
I stand by my opinion. This guy is a loser and a coward.

 

If he needed to confide in "someone", he could go to a priest, therapist, counselor...not another woman - especially a young coworker that you're attracted to.

 

And this I'm "in love but not in love" is crap. He's having sex with his wife, right? So would he have sex with his sister/mother, etc? In other words, we have "romantic" love (what you would have for a spouse, SO...someone you're having sex with)...then there's "non-romantic" love (likely be a good that you'd have for a friend, relative). So, if he isn't "in" love with his wife, then why is he still having sex with her? Why is he still married? Why would he want to stay "married" to someone that he "loves" like a friend/relative/roommate?

 

People make conscious decisions to date, marry, etc. I met dude pre-marriage. He had the option to back out of it, but didn't. He came and posted about it here on how he was trying to decide between having one type of RL/woman vs another and he decided on her. Now, they're newlyweds and he's "comfortable", but bored out of his flippn mind. He keeps on staring at me, mirroring me, etc in some pathetic attempt to make her "me". Like one day I posted here about a military and guns and he goes on Facebook and posts some picture of his wife at the gun range :rolleyes:.

 

Pleeeze, his loser, overweight wife will never be on my level, but he can keep on wishing she was me...but, my point is, that the OP's guy, just like my dude didn't just wake up out of "love", they married someone they had reservations about and now want to run around ogling, flirting, etc with other women to make up for their miserable existence (which they have no courage to leave) and I don't feel sorry for them...not one bit. I don't respect them either. They're no one's "friend".

 

Just an observation but it seems like you have an issue with rejection. Just my opinion. There was a reason he chose that person and not you. It sounds like you are just grasping and anything to make yourself feel better

loveflower Established Member

loveflower

Posted
Posted
I stand by my opinion. This guy is a loser and a coward.

 

The bigger loser is someone who wants a loser and a coward, but the loser doesn't want him/her...

 

Telling someone he loves his wife but not in love his wife is no dirty laundry, disrespect and embarrassing his family... what really embarrassing is confront a married man to tell you if he wanted to leave his wife and kid and to be with you when all the signals you got from him are just some distant 'looks' ...

 

I am sorry...I sincerely don't want to hurt you, as I don't even know you. It's just my honest opinions...maybe it will gives you some clarity and perspectives though.

Gloria25 Established Member

Gloria25

Posted
Posted
Just an observation but it seems like you have an issue with rejection. Just my opinion. There was a reason he chose that person and not you. It sounds like you are just grasping and anything to make yourself feel better

 

No, I have an issue with married guys preying on other women to inflate their little egos...

 

I'm doing a service to the OP by sharing my situation. I am going into extensive details to show that this guy she works with is no saint.

 

Also, I'm responding to bachdude's claim that this is a "gray" situation. No it isn't.

Gloria25 Established Member

Gloria25

Posted
Posted
The bigger loser is someone who wants a loser and a coward, but the loser doesn't want him/her...

 

Telling someone he loves his wife but not in love his wife is no dirty laundry, disrespect and embarrassing his family... what really embarrassing is confront a married man to tell you if he wanted to leave his wife and kid and to be with you when all the signals you got from him are just some distant 'looks' ...

 

I am sorry...I sincerely don't want to hurt you, as I don't even know you. It's just my honest opinions...maybe it will gives you some clarity and perspectives though.

 

And, you are picking out parts of my situation/post without knowing the whole story just so you can pick on someone to make yourself feel better.

 

Mind you, I started talking to this neighbor before he got married and had a child. He was engaged and I didn't even KNOW. I was walking by his place one day, he asked my why I was upset and I decided to chat him up.

 

When I chatted him up, he mentioned his "fiance". He didn't say it in the sense like "go away, I'm not interested, I'm engaged". We were talking about our pets and he simply said 'my fiance has the cat, I have the dog'. WHEN HE SAID FIANCE, I WAS DONE....

 

But few days later, at midnight, he was standing in front of my house and staring at it. TWICE. So, I DIDN'T GO AND TELL HIM I WANTED ANYTHING. I BACKED OFF.

 

When I asked him what he was doing staring at my house, at first he denied it...BECAUSE HE'S A SPINELESS LIAR. Then, he said he was looking to do something "reckless" before he got married and wanted to know if wanted to hook-up right then and now. I gave him my tel and invited him over for a beer, but he decided to ask if I wanted to hook-up...

 

So please, don't tell me that I'm trying to break up some guy's home. Their "home" had issues before I came around.

 

And yes, he did move on to marriage and a kid - but all the time, he kept up with the mirroring, staring, etc. So, me "confronting" him is/was like the OP. I'm not trying to break up someone's home. I just am wondering what this guy wants.

 

So please, I'm not some "loser" wanting a "loser". I've never been through anything like this before. Quite frankly, the guy scares me sometimes cuz around the time I started talking to him, someone took some lights off of my lawn and threw them by his house. So, I have every right to be perplexed and wonder what's going on here.

 

And, like it or not the "Do you wanna leave your wife or not?" Question is not trying to break up someone's home, but a candid and frank question that should be made when you have some married guy acting like my neighbor and the OP's co-worker did. It doesn't mean that you want that to happen.

 

You have no idea how many times I've spoken to a close friend about this. How, when I see them together I get upset and say that he needs to stop staring at me and focus on his wife. AND AGAIN, from day one, when he said "my fiance...." I was DONE. IT WAS HIM, who a few days later I caught staring at my house and while initially he denied it, HE ADMITTED IT.

 

So, again, I'm doing the OP and all women who get starry eyed and/or feel this or that for some married guy and say "oh, his wife is so fortunate to have a man who can control his emotions"...when that is far from the truth. These guys are losers who settle for "3" women, then run around and prey on people like me and the OP to give themselves the ego boosts and/or excitement that they're not getting at home...PLAIN AND SIMPLE.

joystickd Established Member

joystickd

Posted
Posted
No, I have an issue with married guys preying on other women to inflate their little egos...

 

I'm doing a service to the OP by sharing my situation. I am going into extensive details to show that this guy she works with is no saint.

 

Also, I'm responding to bachdude's claim that this is a "gray" situation. No it isn't.

Is she a saint for having feelings for a married man? Here is the thing you feel like he is making his wife you because of a Facebook post. Isn't that just a stretch?

bachdude Established Member

bachdude

Posted
Posted

Also, I'm responding to bachdude's claim that this is a "gray" situation. No it isn't.

 

 

No Gloria. I specifically said that I am NOT referring to the situation but to the person. I generally do not see people in such black and white categories (i.e. loser, coward). It sounds too much to me like "that's a bad person" and "that's a good person" when in reality we are all a mix of both with faults and strengths. My brain doesn't work that way. I mean, unless you are talking about Hitler, Osama or Pol Pot or some such character, it just doesn't make sense to me. Besides, you have made a lot of assumptions and prejudgments when you really don't have a whole lot of facts.

Gloria25 Established Member

Gloria25

Posted
Posted
No Gloria. I specifically said that I am NOT referring to the situation but to the person. I generally do not see people in such black and white categories (i.e. loser, coward). It sounds too much to me like "that's a bad person" and "that's a good person" when in reality we are all a mix of both with faults and strengths. My brain doesn't work that way. I mean, unless you are talking about Hitler, Osama or Pol Pot or some such character, it just doesn't make sense to me. Besides, you have made a lot of assumptions and prejudgments when you really don't have a whole lot of facts.

 

I made my statements/opinions from what the OP posted and "my" knowledge and experience with a married man.

 

Funny how others are quick to villify me and not know the whole story either

Gloria25 Established Member

Gloria25

Posted
Posted
Is she a saint for having feelings for a married man? Here is the thing you feel like he is making his wife you because of a Facebook post. Isn't that just a stretch?

 

It's not just a Facebook post...it was two years of staring, following me, mirroring me and stalking me oFacebook

bachdude Established Member

bachdude

Posted
Posted

Funny how others are quick to villify me and not know the whole story either

 

 

Yes, exactly! That's what I am talking about.

joystickd Established Member

joystickd

Posted
Posted
It's not just a Facebook post...it was two years of staring, following me, mirroring me and stalking me oFacebook

 

Here is the thing you said this:

 

I met dude pre-marriage. He had the option to back out of it, but didn't. He came and posted about it here on how he was trying to decide between having one type of RL/woman vs another and he decided on her. Now, they're newlyweds and he's "comfortable", but bored out of his flippn mind. He keeps on staring at me, mirroring me, etc in some pathetic attempt to make her "me". Like one day I posted here about a military and guns and he goes on Facebook and posts some picture of his wife at the gun range :rolleyes:.

 

Pleeeze, his loser, overweight wife will never be on my level, but he can keep on wishing she was me...but, my point is, that the OP's guy, just like my dude didn't just wake up out of "love", they married someone they had reservations about and now want to run around ogling, flirting, etc with other women to make up for their miserable existence (which they have no courage to leave) and I don't feel sorry for them...not one bit. I don't respect them either. They're no one's "friend".

 

It's comes off less about someone dealing with a sleezy guy and more about a woman that has a hurt ego because he chose his wife instead of you. I mean you talk about how his loser overweight wife isn't on YOUR level. That sounds like someone reassuring themselves to deal with rejection. None of us may never know the truth but from your end it comes off like a woman with a bruised ego and bitter talking about married men. I know others in this thread can see it.

MissBee Established Member

MissBee

Posted
Posted
Before you read this, I wanted you all to know that I have no intention of doing anything with this man. I did not choose to fall for a married guy, but I am not acting on my emotions. I am looking to get advice from people who are kind enough to give it, so please, be kind; I can't ask anyone else this question.

 

 

 

A great guy friend/coworker of 4 years and I used to communicate every other day, (just simple texts or funny pictures from Reddit) and were close for years. However, for the past 6 months, he's been reaching out now only once a week or so. He's married, yet his wife honestly doesn't care if he has female friends, she's a cool chick.

A friend suggested I ask if he has feelings for me so that I can find out if that is why he is distancing himself from me. When I asked if he had feelings, he said, "I dont really have feelings. I've cut feelings out of things like this because where I am in my life right now, I cant have any feelings."

 

Now, he's a pretty honest & straight forward guy. If he had feelings, he would say it. I know he loves me as a friend and person, but I never really felt he was in love with me or anything.

 

So after this conversation with him, I AM a bit confused about how a guy who is so close with a female the way we were doesn't have feelings for her. And Noooo- I am NOT saying "I'm sooo fabulous! How could any man not love ME!"--No! Not at all. The question I am asking is: based on our friendship and the things I've listed below, how has he not developed any feelings for me? Again, I'm not going to act on it even if he did, but I'd like to at least understand how one can experience all the things below without feeling something. How does he say, "I don't really have feelings"??? I don't get it!

 

 

Why I am confused why he doesn't have feelings is because:

-We have a great connection and he's even said that he's never had a connection with any other woman the way he's had it with me

-We have had amazing memories together as friends/coworkers

-He's said while drunk, "You don't know what you do for me. You make me happy."

-He's mentioned that if he wasn't married, he'd be with me.

-He's supported me when I've been down

-His family/friends like me

-I've supported him when he's been down and needed help

-He finds me to be attractive

-He says I bring positivity into his life

-He used to want to talk to me every other day

-I remember years ago (when I just met him) he was talking about his marriage, I asked if he was in love with her, and he said no but that he loves her.

 

And again, I am not in any way saying I am God's gift to men, but I'm just wondering how this awesome friendship with this man who's attracted to me has not sparked any feeling whatsoever.

Again, I dont plan on acting on it even if he said he did have feelings, but I just want to know. Please, I just want answers that address what I'm asking, not people who want me to feel bad. Thank you.

 

Any thoughts?

 

I'm confused...

 

Aren't the things you're saying he says to you a sign that he has feelings? It seems though that you want him to be bolder and actually act on them to prove it...as him saying all of that shows he does have affection towards you and finds you attractive...but it seems as though he's just not declaring that he is in love or trying to have an affair.

 

I'm not judging you, I've been the OW before, even though I got there without knowing, but I stayed after knowing. But I think you have to be honest with yourself about what you really hope for and expect. If it was simply about his feelings then you'd have your answer, as ALL you have said clearly come from someone who has some kind of feelings for you that aren't strictly platonic....but what more do you want? What is your idea of having feels? If you say you don't plan on acting on it, why aren't the things listed enough? What would you hope he does? Push you against a wall and kiss you? Send you lovey dovey emails and texts? I'm actually asking...as it seems if you are just curious, and don't want him to act on it, simply knowing those other things you listed would be more than enough. But chances are...you're not being 100% honest and you do want him to be more aggressive and actually act on it and you feel confused/rejected because he isn't.

Gloria25 Established Member

Gloria25

Posted
Posted (edited)
Here is the thing you said this:

 

 

 

It's comes off less about someone dealing with a sleezy guy and more about a woman that has a hurt ego because he chose his wife instead of you. I mean you talk about how his loser overweight wife isn't on YOUR level. That sounds like someone reassuring themselves to deal with rejection. None of us may never know the truth but from your end it comes off like a woman with a bruised ego and bitter talking about married men. I know others in this thread can see it.

 

So, based on your theory about me, the OP is just a woman with a bruised ego because her coworker is distancing himself from her :rolleyes:

 

Yes, I am comparing myself to my neighbor's wife to show the OP and other woman that trying to make sense of why he does what he does is a waste of time.

 

And yes, I still wonder "why" he did what he did if he never wanted a RL with me. Bruised ego? Pleeze

Edited by Gloria25
joystickd Established Member

joystickd

Posted
Posted
So, based on your theory about me, the OP is just a woman with a bruised ego because her coworker is distancing himself from her :rolleyes:

 

Yes, I am comparing myself to my neighbor's wife to show the OP and other woman that trying to make sense of why he does what he does is a waste of time.

 

And yes, I still wonder "why" he did what he did if he never wanted a RL with me. Bruised ego? Pleeze

 

That there just proves my point. If you still wonder why then you haven't moved on from being rejected. You don't have to prove it to me. The very fact you are doing it shows you still have unresolved issues. You said this stuff and anyone can see you are bitter.

  • Like 1
joystickd Established Member

joystickd

Posted
Posted
So, based on your theory about me, the OP is just a woman with a bruised ego because her coworker is distancing himself from her :rolleyes:

 

Yes, I am comparing myself to my neighbor's wife to show the OP and other woman that trying to make sense of why he does what he does is a waste of time.

 

And yes, I still wonder "why" he did what he did if he never wanted a RL with me. Bruised ego? Pleeze

 

Actually I would say her case is different. She is not talking crap about the woman he chooses. She doesn't come off as bitter.

Gloria25 Established Member

Gloria25

Posted
Posted
Actually I would say her case is different. She is not talking crap about the woman he chooses. She doesn't come off as bitter.

 

She comes off as someone having misplaced empathy and sympathy for some married creep who flirts with women behind his wife's back and thank God I'm here to enlighten her.

 

Initially I was like her - quite frankly even up to not too long ago was still feeling "oh poor guy" for my married neighbor and yes, reading her post is why I'm posting, to protect her from getting emotionally attached to someone who is just playing on her emotions to feed his tiny ego.

 

So I'm "bitter" for calling married guys who flirt behind their wives' backs losers? Pleeeze :rolleyes:

 

And, talking crap about his wife or "fact"? So, I'm supposed to say she has an "athletic" body if in real life she is overweight?

 

If I'm bitter, it's cuz I think it's sad that lazy, dim, and overweight is what men prefer now a days, and I'm not in that league and/or intend to - just to get a penis with a pulse.

 

SNL has a skit for an online dating site called "settll" and after this thing with my neighbor and the duds that are out there, I feel depressed that the only way to couple up with guys out there is to "settll"

joystickd Established Member

joystickd

Posted
Posted
She comes off as someone having misplaced empathy and sympathy for some married creep who flirts with women behind his wife's back and thank God I'm here to enlighten her.

 

Initially I was like her - quite frankly even up to not too long ago was still feeling "oh poor guy" for my married neighbor and yes, reading her post is why I'm posting, to protect her from getting emotionally attached to someone who is just playing on her emotions to feed his tiny ego.

 

So I'm "bitter" for calling married guys who flirt behind their wives' backs losers? Pleeeze :rolleyes:

 

And, talking crap about his wife or "fact"? So, I'm supposed to say she has an "athletic" body if in real life she is overweight?

 

If I'm bitter, it's cuz I think it's sad that lazy, dim, and overweight is what men prefer now a days, and I'm not in that league and/or intend to - just to get a penis with a pulse.

 

SNL has a skit for an online dating site called "settll" and after this thing with my neighbor and the duds that are out there, I feel depressed that the only way to couple up with guys out there is to "settll"

 

This oozes bitter.

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