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I'm not in an affair but...Is it possible for a man to not be able to fall in love?

giggik

By giggik
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giggik Member

giggik

Posted
Posted (edited)

Before you read this, I wanted you all to know that I have no intention of doing anything with this man. I did not choose to fall for a married guy, but I am not acting on my emotions. I am looking to get advice from people who are kind enough to give it, so please, be kind; I can't ask anyone else this question.

 

 

 

A great guy friend/coworker of 4 years and I used to communicate every other day, (just simple texts or funny pictures from Reddit) and were close for years. However, for the past 6 months, he's been reaching out now only once a week or so. He's married, yet his wife honestly doesn't care if he has female friends, she's a cool chick.

A friend suggested I ask if he has feelings for me so that I can find out if that is why he is distancing himself from me. When I asked if he had feelings, he said, "I dont really have feelings. I've cut feelings out of things like this because where I am in my life right now, I cant have any feelings."

 

Now, he's a pretty honest & straight forward guy. If he had feelings, he would say it. I know he loves me as a friend and person, but I never really felt he was in love with me or anything.

 

So after this conversation with him, I AM a bit confused about how a guy who is so close with a female the way we were doesn't have feelings for her. And Noooo- I am NOT saying "I'm sooo fabulous! How could any man not love ME!"--No! Not at all. The question I am asking is: based on our friendship and the things I've listed below, how has he not developed any feelings for me? Again, I'm not going to act on it even if he did, but I'd like to at least understand how one can experience all the things below without feeling something. How does he say, "I don't really have feelings"??? I don't get it!

 

 

Why I am confused why he doesn't have feelings is because:

-We have a great connection and he's even said that he's never had a connection with any other woman the way he's had it with me

-We have had amazing memories together as friends/coworkers

-He's said while drunk, "You don't know what you do for me. You make me happy."

-He's mentioned that if he wasn't married, he'd be with me.

-He's supported me when I've been down

-His family/friends like me

-I've supported him when he's been down and needed help

-He finds me to be attractive

-He says I bring positivity into his life

-He used to want to talk to me every other day

-I remember years ago (when I just met him) he was talking about his marriage, I asked if he was in love with her, and he said no but that he loves her.

 

And again, I am not in any way saying I am God's gift to men, but I'm just wondering how this awesome friendship with this man who's attracted to me has not sparked any feeling whatsoever.

Again, I dont plan on acting on it even if he said he did have feelings, but I just want to know. Please, I just want answers that address what I'm asking, not people who want me to feel bad. Thank you.

 

Any thoughts?

Edited by giggik
central Established Member

central

Posted
Posted

He has NO feelings? Or just not the ones you'd think he'd have?

 

 

I'm sure he has some feelings, but probably not romantic feelings towards you. I am capable of choosing not to fall for or love someone if doing so would be bad for me - I am not a slave of my emotions, in other words.

 

 

Some women will cause romantic feelings, but I have to let them develop - I can stop them if necessary. And if someone is not romantic/relationship potential (because of some incompatibility OR because one of us is not available), then I won't fall in love with them. I've had wonderfully close FWB lasting over four years, and not developed romantic feelings - and she hasn't with me. We're lacking some important element for that to happen - but we love each other as friends, even without the benefits.

 

 

Not sure that helps, but hopefully will give some insights.

  • Like 3
Quiet Storm Established Member

Quiet Storm

Posted
Posted (edited)

It's just having boundaries. He's married. He won't allow his mind to "go there". It would be inappropriate. Having feelings for another woman could create all kinds of problems in his life. It's just not worth it.

 

It's harder for some people than others. Take older guys/ much younger women, for example. Some may be friends with attractive women 25+ years younger. Some of them will indulge and go for a relationship. Others will feel it's inappropriate and will be careful not to let feelings develop, even though may be attracted or feel a connection. Another common scenario would be an attraction between a boss and employee or one between a professor and a student. Allowing feelings to develop would be stupid because it would create lots of problems in their lives. It's just not worth it.

 

I think that's probably what's going on with this guy. It sounds like he enjoys your company and friendship, but is mature and self aware enough to realize that having feelings would be a very bad idea. Other guys in the same situation who are more impulsive and emotionally immature might indulge and say something like "I just couldn't help it" when he feels the negative consequences.

 

Some people feel like slaves to their feelings, while others know how to redirect their thoughts and create emotional distance.

Edited by Quiet Storm
  • Like 3
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giggik Member

giggik

Posted
  • Author
Posted
It's just having boundaries. He's married. He won't allow his mind to "go there". It would be inappropriate. Having feelings for another woman could create all kinds of problems in his life. It's just not worth it.

 

It's harder for some people than others. Take older guys/ much younger women, for example. Some may be friends with attractive women 25+ years younger. Some of them will indulge and go for a relationship. Others will feel it's inappropriate and will be careful not to let feelings develop, even though may be attracted or feel a connection. Another common scenario would be an attraction between a boss and employee or one between a professor and a student. Allowing feelings to develop would be stupid because it would create lots of problems in their lives. It's just not worth it.

 

I think that's probably what's going on with this guy. It sounds like he enjoys your company and friendship, but is mature and self aware enough to realize that having feelings would be a very bad idea. Other guys in the same situation who are more impulsive and emotionally immature might indulge and say something like "I just couldn't help it" when he feels the negative consequences.

 

Some people feel like slaves to their feelings, while others know how to redirect their thoughts and create emotional distance.

 

Good points Quiet Storm!!! So I shouldn't be taking his response personally, right? It's not so much a thing about "Oh I just don't like you enough." But more of "It's not that I dont like you, I just can't allow myself to fall for you."

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giggik Member

giggik

Posted
  • Author
Posted
He has NO feelings? Or just not the ones you'd think he'd have?

 

 

I'm sure he has some feelings, but probably not romantic feelings towards you.

 

I'm not 100% sure what you mean by this, do you mind explaining it to me? (Thank you)

brothers343 Established Member

brothers343

Posted
Posted

You say you can't let yourself have feelings for him but you already have and it looks like you might have the more than he does. When a married man tells you he doesn't love his wife...I wouldn't believe that kind of hype. To me it sounds that you would cross that line if he was to ask you to cross it. Man usually tell woman what they think they want to hear. Be careful becouse the seeds of deceit are already planted whether you see them or not. Even when you tell yourself that you will not cross that line. Be safe.

  • Like 1
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giggik Member

giggik

Posted
  • Author
Posted
You say you can't let yourself have feelings for him but you already have and it looks like you might have the more than he does. When a married man tells you he doesn't love his wife...I wouldn't believe that kind of hype. To me it sounds that you would cross that line if he was to ask you to cross it. Man usually tell woman what they think they want to hear. Be careful becouse the seeds of deceit are already planted whether you see them or not. Even when you tell yourself that you will not cross that line. Be safe.

 

I did mention in my post that I do have feelings for him. I said that I wouldnt act on my feelings.

 

And as far as what he said about his wife, he didn't say that he doesn't love his wife, he just said they he never really fell in love with her. He doesn't pretend like his marriage is bad or anything, he says he loves her and that although they may have thier ups and downs, that he still loves her the same :)

ShatteredLady Established Member

ShatteredLady

Posted
Posted

From everything you've said I'd bet he started distancing himself because he could sense your inappropriate feelings for him.

 

Him stating, "I dont really have feelings. I've cut feelings out of things like this because where I am in my life right now, I cant have any feelings." is more than clear to me. I don't really understand what you don't 'get'.

 

"I've cut feelings out of things like this (Friendships with members of the opposite sex) because where I am in my life right now, (Happily MARRIED) I can't have any feelings (Because if I allowed myself to develop INAPPROPRIATE feelings for other women it could lead to INAPPROPRIATE actions & damage my marriage)

 

Contrary to some people's beliefs there are many very principled & loyal MARRIED men. He will have friendships with people (male or female) but he will not develop feelings because it would be wrong, disrespectful & incredibly painful for his wife.

 

Why would you want a FRIEND to do something that would cause him pain?

  • Like 4
Quiet Storm Established Member

Quiet Storm

Posted
Posted
Good points Quiet Storm!!! So I shouldn't be taking his response personally, right? It's not so much a thing about "Oh I just don't like you enough." But more of "It's not that I dont like you, I just can't allow myself to fall for you."

 

 

Yes, don't take it personally. He has commitments elsewhere and is honoring them.

 

You should distance yourself, too. I know you aren't planning to act on your feelings, but even with no action, you're thinking about him, wondering why, analyzing, etc. You can refocus that energy on an available guy, who would be in a position to reciprocate and nurture a connection.

Popsicle Established Member

Popsicle

Posted
Posted

Lol. I've had guys tell me things like that -that feelings don't exist in them.

 

i always wondered why they would say such a thing? If you don't want someone to know that you don't have feelings for them, why not just say no when they ask, instead of something strange like "I don't have feelings".

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giggik Member

giggik

Posted
  • Author
Posted
From everything you've said I'd bet he started distancing himself because he could sense your inappropriate feelings for him.

 

Him stating, "I dont really have feelings. I've cut feelings out of things like this because where I am in my life right now, I cant have any feelings." is more than clear to me. I don't really understand what you don't 'get'.

 

"I've cut feelings out of things like this (Friendships with members of the opposite sex) because where I am in my life right now, (Happily MARRIED) I can't have any feelings (Because if I allowed myself to develop INAPPROPRIATE feelings for other women it could lead to INAPPROPRIATE actions & damage my marriage)

 

Contrary to some people's beliefs there are many very principled & loyal MARRIED men. He will have friendships with people (male or female) but he will not develop feelings because it would be wrong, disrespectful & incredibly painful for his wife.

 

Why would you want a FRIEND to do something that would cause him pain?

 

The reason why I posted on this site is not because I am saying, "He needs to love me and he needs to act on it NOW!"--No. Like I said, I'm just wondering how all those things I listed did not envoke any kind of feeling. But from what the other posters said made sense about controlling his emotions.

However, I don't really come here for people to assume things and be kind of rude.

We're not all the same, we don't all have the same skills set as each other and/or experience as each other, so in order for me to learn more about life, I discuss talk with others. I'm here to get advice and learn, not to be chastised.

LivingWaterPlease Established Member

LivingWaterPlease

Posted
Posted

From what you've written that he's told you it seems clear to me that he has had feelings for you.

 

It also seems to me he is successfully moving beyond those feelings (probably doesn't have them anymore) and taking steps to erect boundaries so that there is no chance of them developing again.

 

You seem to be having difficulty coping with this which is perfectly natural and good for you, coming here to work through your feelings for him.

 

You're very fortunate he's taken this step to put distance between the two of you.

ShatteredLady Established Member

ShatteredLady

Posted
Posted

There's an intellectual discussion that many have regarding the difference between being 'In Love' & 'loving'. Is 'falling in love' something you do at the start & 'loving' a deeper more permanent action & feeling that develops after the initial 'high' of 'falling'?

 

There's an element of being pedantic really. They're just words. That's why the old "I love you but I'm not in love with you" is considered cheater speak for "I'm bored & want the high falling in love, new & shiny feeling".

 

I think that you can feel the 'falling in love' stuff in life several times without it developing into a true & lasting love. Love is an action. If he allowed himself to develop feelings for any attractive woman he had a friendship with it wouldn't be very loving to his wife would it?

  • Like 1
ShatteredLady Established Member

ShatteredLady

Posted
Posted

I'm more than a little worried that you want to have a relationship with this married man. What you're describing is friendship. I don't think he's saying that he has no feelings at all for you.

 

When a woman asks a man if he has feelings I think he would automatically assume that she means romantic/sexual feelings. From what you describe he probably likes you a lot, as a FRIEND.

 

Once you're married things are different. As a human being there are plenty of attractive, nice people of the opposite sex that you can have a connection with but you CAN'T allow yourself to develop romantic feelings or you run the risk of being a cheat, serial adulterer or married 10 times!

 

Once you make vows to one person.... Well, it's just as he said. He can't have feelings.

  • Like 2
privategal Established Member

privategal

Posted
Posted

You said it yourself if he felt it he would say it. I had this same scenario exactly years ago and I guess because I felt an attraction to him...everything he said and did I added it up in my head as one big ball of evidence he did...but he really didn't.

Im sure guys find the opposite side attractive but think logic and not wanting to be in it to grow it deeper can lock down their thoughts from really going there.

  • Like 1
Poppy47 Established Member

Poppy47

Posted
Posted

You sound like a nice young woman so please don't put yourself through the mental torment of even wondering about this man's feelings. For what??? You aren't going to act on your own feelings, so forget it and get a different mind set.

 

Get out and find a single guy who will develop feelings for you. There are plenty of them in the world. Why agonise over this MM.?

Poppy

  • Like 2
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giggik Member

giggik

Posted
  • Author
Posted
You said it yourself if he felt it he would say it. I had this same scenario exactly years ago and I guess because I felt an attraction to him...everything he said and did I added it up in my head as one big ball of evidence he did...but he really didn't.

Im sure guys find the opposite side attractive but think logic and not wanting to be in it to grow it deeper can lock down their thoughts from really going there.

Thanks privategal!! So basically that guy was controlling himself and his emotions to that he wouldn't fall for you right??

anika99 Established Member

anika99

Posted
Posted

I've had a few male friends that I've cared very much for, but only as friends. One guy was my best friend for years. We did everything together and we told each other everything too. We were so close and I cared about him so very much, but I was not in love with him. It wasn't a matter of controlling my emotions or not allowing myself to fall in love with him, it was that I just didn't feel that kind of chemistry with him. He was good looking but I wasn't sexually attracted to him which was a shame because we would have been a great couple. About 6yrs into our friendship he confessed his love for me. I told him I didn't feel the same and he said it was okay but it really wasn't. He wanted more and felt cheated and I felt guilty for hurting him so our friendship unravelled and we went our separate ways. It still makes me sad but it was for the best.

road Established Member

road

Posted
Posted

As a married man I have no problem drooling from afar. Meaning I have no problem noticing a woman and saying damn she is hot.

 

 

I also have no problem leaving it at that.

 

 

I walk by a Italian pastry store and upon looking in the window I do not go into the bakery and treat myself. I do my eating at home.

 

 

It is called maintaining boundaries.

  • Like 1
road Established Member

road

Posted
Posted
I've had a few male friends that I've cared very much for, but only as friends. One guy was my best friend for years. We did everything together and we told each other everything too. We were so close and I cared about him so very much, but I was not in love with him. It wasn't a matter of controlling my emotions or not allowing myself to fall in love with him, it was that I just didn't feel that kind of chemistry with him. He was good looking but I wasn't sexually attracted to him which was a shame because we would have been a great couple. About 6yrs into our friendship he confessed his love for me. I told him I didn't feel the same and he said it was okay but it really wasn't. He wanted more and felt cheated and I felt guilty for hurting him so our friendship unravelled and we went our separate ways. It still makes me sad but it was for the best.

 

 

 

 

And, now you know why he hung around for all those years. He had patience and you were worth the wait. Until he found out he would have to wait forever.

  • Like 2
preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted

His feelings are based more on practical matters, I think. Men are often a bit more calculated in matters of the heart and will pull themselves away if it's not the best thing for their situation. It can seem cold at times. But I've noticed in my long life that men more or less decide to commit, not just it happens to them.

  • Like 1
anika99 Established Member

anika99

Posted
Posted
And, now you know why he hung around for all those years. He had patience and you were worth the wait. Until he found out he would have to wait forever.

 

This is true and it's why I tell guys not to play the platonic nice guy friend when they really want more. If you like a girl be upfront and say so, then ask her out on a date. Don't be sly and try to sneak in the back by playing the friend role. It won't work and it will just end in hurt feeling all the way around.

  • Like 1
Gloria25 Established Member

Gloria25

Posted
Posted
I did mention in my post that I do have feelings for him. I said that I wouldnt act on my feelings.

 

And as far as what he said about his wife, he didn't say that he doesn't love his wife, he just said they he never really fell in love with her. He doesn't pretend like his marriage is bad or anything, he says he loves her and that although they may have thier ups and downs, that he still loves her the same :)

 

Awww, what a stand up guy - NOT

 

Look, this guy isn't your friend. He isn't a martyr. He's a coward and a loser. He's all about himself. No man who respects his wife and family would air his dirty laundry at work.

 

Cuz, my dad (as Krazy as he was, was a knowledgable man) told me 'If you ever want to keep something secret - tell no one. Why? Because tell one person you "trust", then they tell someone they "trust" and before you know it - everyone knows your business'. In other words, if he's having issues in his marriage then he needs to come on a MB like LS and anonymously speak about it. Go see a counselor/therapist.

 

So, imagine his wife at a company event (picnic, dinner, etc) and/or coming to see him on the job to bring him a jacket, lunch, etc...people will look at her and laugh, snicker, and exchange snide remarks. Thanks to "him" airing their dirty laundry in the workplace.

 

See, when someone "tells" you something - they do it for a reason. They want you take that information/communication and do something with it. He tells you this sappy story to get your sympathy. To play on the emotions of a young, naive, and unworldly/unexperienced young woman. Yes, he is older than you and took advantage of that. Young women - especially in positions where men are in position of authority over them - look starry eyed to these guys. They feel good that an "older, experienced MAN" is into them. Even if you're 23 and him 28, and him on the job 2 years and you 2 months - he's still "older, and in a higher position than you on the job.

 

He's a spineless wimp. A man with any self-worth/dignity for one, would not embarrass himself/wife/family like that at work. If he married the wrong person, as a STRONG, CONFIDENT, HONORABLE "MAN", he'd address the issues with his wife - work on it with her, and leave if it didn't work.

 

But no, the spineless wimp that he is, he'd rather go home with his tail between his legs to his "lazy, homely, etc" wife that he "settled" for (cuz a man with any strength, confidence, and/or honor doesn't "settle" and/or allow others like family, friends, etc to pressure him to marry...and even "if" he made a mistake in his wife, he'd either fix it, leave it, or ACCEPT it "AS-IS" and not be out running the streets flirting with young, naive coworkers).

 

So, no martyr here. We have a "greedy" situation. He gets his ego boost/fill in flirting with you - then runs and curls up with wifey and continue the "farce" of dignified married guy to the world. Both of you are getting played.

 

I could go on-and-on, but I'll let Neneh Cherry take it on from here:

 

"Buddy X" (video and lyrics below):

 

 

You call yourself a family man

Talking 'bout the families plan

To bring the sweet talk deep and down

Works better than an average pick up line

 

You put your woman out to pasture

On the promises you gave her last year

Peace and love is on your head

And the grass is greener playing 'round

Your family seed is what you spread

 

Buddy my friend

Who you think you fooling, buddy my friend

And what about your woman, buddy my friend

Who you think you fooling, buddy, buddy my friend

 

I don't care what you do

But there's a hypocrite that lives in you

'Cause if your woman gave her love in the same way that you do

You'd feel a-way, you know you would

 

Buddy my friend

Who you think you fooling, buddy my friend

And what about your woman, buddy my friend

Who you think you fooling, buddy, buddy my friend

 

Treat her that way

And you'll be X'd soon, buddy X'd soon

Treat her that way

You'll be X'd soon, buddy X'd soon

 

It's better to be safe than sorry

But ya gonna be sorry when it's too late

Buddy [incomprehensible] buddy

Oh yeah, buddy, buddy yeah

What's up?

[incomprehensible]

bachdude Established Member

bachdude

Posted
Posted
Awww, what a stand up guy - NOT

 

Look, this guy isn't your friend. He isn't a martyr. He's a coward and a loser. He's all about himself. No man who respects his wife and family would air his dirty laundry at work.

 

Cuz, my dad (as Krazy as he was, was a knowledgable man) told me 'If you ever want to keep something secret - tell no one. Why? Because tell one person you "trust", then they tell someone they "trust" and before you know it - everyone knows your business'. In other words, if he's having issues in his marriage then he needs to come on a MB like LS and anonymously speak about it. Go see a counselor/therapist.

 

So, imagine his wife at a company event (picnic, dinner, etc) and/or coming to see him on the job to bring him a jacket, lunch, etc...people will look at her and laugh, snicker, and exchange snide remarks. Thanks to "him" airing their dirty laundry in the workplace.

 

See, when someone "tells" you something - they do it for a reason. They want you take that information/communication and do something with it. He tells you this sappy story to get your sympathy. To play on the emotions of a young, naive, and unworldly/unexperienced young woman. Yes, he is older than you and took advantage of that. Young women - especially in positions where men are in position of authority over them - look starry eyed to these guys. They feel good that an "older, experienced MAN" is into them. Even if you're 23 and him 28, and him on the job 2 years and you 2 months - he's still "older, and in a higher position than you on the job.

 

He's a spineless wimp. A man with any self-worth/dignity for one, would not embarrass himself/wife/family like that at work. If he married the wrong person, as a STRONG, CONFIDENT, HONORABLE "MAN", he'd address the issues with his wife - work on it with her, and leave if it didn't work.

 

But no, the spineless wimp that he is, he'd rather go home with his tail between his legs to his "lazy, homely, etc" wife that he "settled" for (cuz a man with any strength, confidence, and/or honor doesn't "settle" and/or allow others like family, friends, etc to pressure him to marry...and even "if" he made a mistake in his wife, he'd either fix it, leave it, or ACCEPT it "AS-IS" and not be out running the streets flirting with young, naive coworkers).

 

So, no martyr here. We have a "greedy" situation. He gets his ego boost/fill in flirting with you - then runs and curls up with wifey and continue the "farce" of dignified married guy to the world. Both of you are getting played.

 

I could go on-and-on, but I'll let Neneh Cherry take it on from here:

 

"Buddy X" (video and lyrics below):

 

 

You call yourself a family man

Talking 'bout the families plan

To bring the sweet talk deep and down

Works better than an average pick up line

 

You put your woman out to pasture

On the promises you gave her last year

Peace and love is on your head

And the grass is greener playing 'round

Your family seed is what you spread

 

Buddy my friend

Who you think you fooling, buddy my friend

And what about your woman, buddy my friend

Who you think you fooling, buddy, buddy my friend

 

I don't care what you do

But there's a hypocrite that lives in you

'Cause if your woman gave her love in the same way that you do

You'd feel a-way, you know you would

 

Buddy my friend

Who you think you fooling, buddy my friend

And what about your woman, buddy my friend

Who you think you fooling, buddy, buddy my friend

 

Treat her that way

And you'll be X'd soon, buddy X'd soon

Treat her that way

You'll be X'd soon, buddy X'd soon

 

It's better to be safe than sorry

But ya gonna be sorry when it's too late

Buddy [incomprehensible] buddy

Oh yeah, buddy, buddy yeah

What's up?

[incomprehensible]

 

People are rarely so black and white, Gloria.

Gloria25 Established Member

Gloria25

Posted
Posted
People are rarely so black and white, Gloria.

 

No, it "is" black and white...

 

I spent almost two years trying to "interpret" things a married guy did - like the OP did. At the end of the day, it didn't matter. Last week he made it clear that he never wanted a RL with me and never will.

 

Sitting around pondering "why" some married guy does this/that is a futile waste of time when at the end of the day the "black/white" and simple answer is staring you right there in front of your face.

 

The OP also made it clear that she has no intention of doing anything with him; and, he's clear that he's staying with his wife. Then "why" was this tread even started?:confused:

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