Grab a cuppa and have a read!

[afraid]

I didn't really think that I would be writing my story to you guys in this forum, but rather in the Long-Distance Relationships forum as a success story. That's how I thought it would end (as a success story) until not too long ago when it all fell apart for me. I will try to explain what I can, but I am sure I will leave out parts because so much has been in my head lately. Please bare with me.

 

I've known her throughout high school, but I never really got to know her until she started going out with one of my good mates. Still, even though I only kind of knew her then as my mates girlfriend, but she was in our close group of friends. Their relationship ended a year after school (after about 1.5yrs together) but we all remained really close friends. Probably a few months after that I started to get to know her really well, due in part because I was attending a course near her uni and we would have lunch together. Anyway, we became really close friends and there was a strong connection between us that we both couldn't deny. I spoke to my mate (her ex) about all this and he was really understanding and told me to go for it (he had moved on). I would think about it night and day and it was really eating at me, so I had to say something to her. I got the courage to, and she could understand. We took our time and the next month or so was spent really trying to work out if a relationship between us would really work and whether it would affect our close friendship or close group of friends. We spent alot of time together and the more we did, the more right it felt and we eventually began going out. All our friends were really happy for us and everything fell into place. I hadn't felt like this in my life before (this was my first serious relationship), and she too knew that it was something special (she said she was scared about how strongly she felt. It was totally different to her past relationships). Things went great for us after that. We didn't become distant to any of our close friends (we both had alot of the same friends) and balanced time with them and time alone extremely well.

 

So anyway, last year in December after about 15 months she left to go to the UK for a semester of university. This was her decision and something she really wanted to do. I couldn't really do much about it and tried to get on. We didn't end the relationship and she thought the time apart could be good for us. She would've been gone for about 7 months all up. I planned to take a month off work to travel over there and see her. She was ok with that and that's what I did. So in March of this year I went to see her. The few months leading up to that weren't too bad. It was obviously really hard and she had made alot of new friends over there, but we got through the start ok. I would usually talk to her on the phone once a week and talk to her online or via email every so often. So anyway, for the month that I was there we traveled around Europe together and for the last few days I was there we spent the time in the town where she was studying in the UK. I met a few of her friends there. I guess things were obviously a little different between us for the time that I was there, probably because of the time we had just spent apart, but my feelings for her were the same as they always were. We had alot of fun together on the trip. It was really hard saying goodbye once again, but I knew it wasn't going to be too long before she was back home.

 

After I got back home, it was hard for me to let go. I probably was a little too attached to the life she had over there and felt like I was really missing out. I guess I was jealous that she was having the time of her life with so many of her friends and I wasn't a part of it. She said something too me, basically that I was acting like I might lose her and that she thought I wasn't happy at home without her. I realised after that I should try to focus on things at home more and trust in her. I had alot of trust in her and always did. It was still quite hard though. I knew she was drinking alot more than she would at home, clubbing alot and I would hear stories and see photos of her (sometimes drunk) with guys (that were just friends) but it would hurt. It's natural for the mind to go crazy when this happens, but I knew in my heart it was all well and I loved her very much. I know she knew how I was feeling and she said that she knew what she was doing and nothing had happened. I understood what she meant and I realised that on my end things probably seemed bigger than they really were. I had alot of trust in her because I know she has high morals. I think the point that made me say something to her though was after she had a trip to a city in Europe with a couple of girl friends she was really close with over there (those 3 were really close). Those two friends of her were single, and on this trip, I knew they would all be going out clubbing and what not. I had faith in my girlfriend though that nothing would happen. She sent me a postcard and said she had met alot of people from all around the world and how great the city was etc. A little while after that I accidently read an email she had sent to a friend (girl) of mine. Basically it was a very girlie email about the trip she had and how there were so many hot guys and she flirted and met alot of guys and danced and got drunk etc.. but that was about it. Just to note: I wasn't snooping. We used that email account together for when we were away on our trip and she used it alot to email me and family. I was checking to see if my email got through because there was an error in sending. Anyway, I had to bring this up because I felt really bad for reading it, but also hurt for what I had read. She said that that was all that happened and that a guy did ask to kiss her but she said no and that she had a boyfriend. I had known that guys had come up to her in the past but she would shrug them off. I didn't care about that, but it was more the fact that something more looked like it was going on. In retrospect I probably shouldn't have handled it how I did. Anyway, I felt a little better after that knowing nothing more had happened. I just felt quite sick and figured I'd get over it. I had a positive outlook after that. The email issue did pop up again and she asked why I read it. I explained, but she thought there was a trust issue. I realised that I had to leave that all behind me and just move on with our relationship. So I did and we forgot about it and things went back to being great between us, like normal. It does sound like a big deal as I write, but it's not so much now. Just a small bump that we moved on from.

 

So things were going well between us and I was beginning to feel better that she'd be back home soon. She knew she was going to be leaving their too and was quite sad that she was going to miss everyone sooo much. Her and her friends over there had become so close. Uni exams had finished up and she went on a couple of small trips by herself and with a friend. Before she was coming home she was going to be traveling around Eastern Europe for a few weeks with her two close girl friends before she left to travel back to see family in asia for a few weeks and then home.

 

A few days before she had to pack up everything and leave the UK she messaged me to say that she'd call because it probably would be the last chance before she left. So we started the phone conversation off normally and things were ok until she mentioned the past things we had talked about again. I said I was over all of that and it didn't mean much to me anymore. She said she wasn't and that she probably hasn't been totally honest with me and that she had been thinking about us alot. She said that she had been losing sleep over it and really thinking alot. Alot went on in that conversation, but basically I'll try to wrap it up in a nutshell. When she gets home she'd be turning 22. She was really stressed about getting old and that there are many things she wants to do before settling down to get married and have kids. She wasn't happy in life and felt that she had to work out what she was really passionate about. If she wasn't happy in life she couldn't be happy in a relationship. She felt she didn't appreciate me as much as she probably should and that she felt she wasn't missing me so much anymore. She knows she can see us getting married, but wants time apart to work out if she really does appreciate me. She felt she didn't know 'herself' as herself, but probably rather herself as being with someone. She hadn't spent much time single since early in school and thought that there's probably more out there in life and that maybe we are just blinded by each other. She also wanted me to do the same and go out there and do things, meet people and figure things out. She asked and I told her I could also see us getting married too, but she couldn't understand how I would really know if we are 'it' if I hadn't been in any other serious relationships. So I guess she wanted me to go and work it out. She said she would be happy for me if I found someone I was happy with. She thought that maybe we were just blinded by each other and that there was more out there in life for us, we just had to go looking. It's made me wonder 'when do you stop looking'? and doesn't the grass is always seem greener on the other side of the fence?

 

So that was pretty much it. We didn't end it on any bad terms and basically she just wanted a break from each other to work it all out. I think it comes down to 'If it's meant to be, it will happen'. She said that she did it now because she felt she had to as it was something that was on her mind for a while. She didn't want to wait until she got home because it would be her bday and then our 2 yr anniversary and it would've been awkward. I wish she had waited until she got home. I know things would certainly be different again for her back here at home and that maybe she would re-discover that connection we shared.

 

That was the last time I spoke to her, because she left shortly after that. She did say to call or email her whenever I wanted too, so we're not doing the no contact thing. We are too close to do that. There are so many questions that I want answered, but I want to talk face to face not via email or anything else. I have spoken to people about it, but there's so much I want to say to her. I still love her (she used to say she loved me too) and now she's somewhere in Europe, single with two other single girls. I did receive an email from her recently (which was also addressed to alot of other friends) basically saying how much she missed everyone back in the UK and how much fun things are now in Europe etc. It seems like she's just moved straight on from me and is just going to be living it up and getting with whoever over there whilst I'm stuck here with so many things left unanswered. I don't know whether she chose to 'have a break' just before she left for the trip so that she could have the freedom of being single and doing what she wanted without being attached or not, but it just seems like we had something too big to throw away just for that reason. I'm lost, I don't know what to do. I still feel so strongly for her, but it's as if she just couldn't care less for me right now. But, I know she wouldn't want to ruin our friendship, because that is still very strong and I don't want to either. I still want to think that there is hope that we'll get back together, because it's not like she wanted just to totally break up, but rather have a break to reassess us and life. But I keep thinking I shouldn't be hanging on to that hope. I'm scared right now. I want to get married and have kids as well. That's something I felt good about and didn't worry about when I was with her. Now I am scared of how the future may turn out for me in that regard. How can I possible find someone else who shares so much with me, who I feel so strongly about? I just don't see it. My life could'nt have been better with her and I could see us together for life. I want her back.

 

So there it is. Sorry it was so long, but I felt if I wrote as much as I could then I'd feel a little better. Any advice would be appreciated.

[brokenheart_ihave]

I had a similar experience myself (except my gf that moved away broke it up completely) and it sounds to me like she doesnt want to settle down yet, from my experience, one side of the relationship is more willing to settle down quicker than the other side - Either she's really evil and just playing you as a "backup boyfriend" or more likely, she just wants to experience what other girls tend to experience, before she feels ready for marriage and settlement. I wouldnt pressure her into settling down, most likely when she comes back she'll have experienced what she wanted to experience in europe and be be back and ready to settle down, just make sure you dont loose contact with her and be prepared for her having a slightly different mindset.

(dont take that as gospel, i'm not an expert)

[ReluctantRomeo]

Get on with your life, have fun, learn things and meet other girls. Maybe she'll be back for you one day, maybe not.

 

Don't mope around waiting - getting on with your life will not only be the best thing for you, it is also the best strategy for attracting her back. Ironically, this works best if you "let her go" completely and stop hoping for her to come back.

 

I've had 2 gfs like this. Both did come back (one of them just a couple of weeks ago). Ironically, both times I had moved on, realised I could do better and didn't want them back as anything more than friends