med1994 Posted January 22, 2016 Posted January 22, 2016 Hello! I'm sorry, this is going to be long. I have been in a LDR for almost 2 years, with a lovely boy who lives about 2000km away from me. We started off by being friends, slowly became best friends and then we got together in the end. We see each other quite frequently -about once every month or every two months depending on the period of year, and sometimes even for long stretches of time. Everything seems to be going well, but in the past few months I've just suffered more and more because of how overwhelmingly busy he is. I mean, we both are in our final years of medical school so we both are fairly busy, which is also normal, we have our own lives. Except that lately he's been taking up so many commitments: extra clubs, volunteering for more than one organisation, training for a triathlon on top of the marathon he already completed. This has resulted in him having very little free time. We don't see each other on call for days on end, sometimes he doesn't text me at all for the whole day apart from good morning, very short sentences a couple of times during the day, and then goodnight. We used to call every day when we first got together, also leaving the call up as we went to sleep, and although I don't expect to FaceTime every day or texting all the time, I feel like I need more than what he's giving me now. I can't call him and meet him, kiss him, can't hug him or cuddle, which makes every bit of virtual contact much more important. At least to me. I brought this up to him more than once, and at first he made me feel like I was trying to control him and as if I were demanding too much of him, that he hadn't seen any changes, but then as we talked he realised that I wasn't completely wrong and said he'd make an effort. Which he did...kind of. For a few days. This happened throughout 2015, in November, and December. We spent two lovely weeks together when he came to visit me at home for Christmas and New Year's, then he went home and I started feeling the distance again. This time it was just wrecking me, I was crying, started growing really distant, felt like a mess. I brought it up again in a teary conversation during which I think he felt awful. Which I definitely didn't want to happen. Anyway, he did begin to call more often and just simply be more there. But this week it started all over again. Since Sunday I've seen him once, yesterday, for about 30 minutes. I am extremely insecure, self conscious and anxious. I also suffer from depression, which every year gets worse during the January-February period. That is my main problem. I don't know if it's my mind telling me he doesn't really want to talk to me that much, that he must find me boring, that he has much better to do, or if he really is too busy and simply unorganised. Even if he really is too busy, I feel like he should make time for me. And then I feel selfish and controlling for wanting him to make time for me. Do you see my problem? In the past couple of weeks I've also started to feel numb again, empty, sad, crying a lot. I've started thinking that maybe I've fallen out of love with him. I get irritated and frustrated a lot, even though I don't often show him, and I have a much lower threshold for when he forgets things or is busy. I've started feeling numb towards him, too. And I hate that I feel like this. I don't know if it's depression taking a hold of me again or if it's an actual genuine feeling. It is a nightmarish sensation, not to know where my feelings come from. He's coming over again next week only for a few days. I ought to be happy. I don't feel much instead. Just a sort of dull numb emptiness. I thought of breaking up and then hated myself for it. I don't think I want that. So...the point of this is: what does this sound like to you? Do I even have a right to feeling put aside when after all, he flies over fairly often -as do I-? I just want some insight on whether this numbness towards him could be my depression. Has it ever happened to any of you? Did you get through it? Thanks for your attention, a hug to all of you
emi Posted January 22, 2016 Posted January 22, 2016 Yes. It makes sense. And you are normal to feel this way. You are his gf, you are worthy of his time. You brought it up. He tried to improve but its also not enough. I think you should set yourself a deadline. If this relationship isnt making you happy anymore, you should leave it. Because there is nothing you can do than taking care of yourself.
TMichaels Posted January 23, 2016 Posted January 23, 2016 I think you should set yourself a deadline. If this relationship isnt making you happy anymore, you should leave it. Because there is nothing you can do than taking care of yourself. I think you need to get your mental health issues under control. OP, have you been diagnosed by a mental health professional? Are you on medication or undergoing other treatment? If the answer is no to either question you really should seek assistance from a mental health professional. While some of your thoughts/feelings are "normal" given your situation, if indeed you're suffering from clinical depression your state of mind is being altered by your medical condition which won't improve until you get help. Best of luck, TMichaels
Author med1994 Posted January 23, 2016 Author Posted January 23, 2016 I think you need to get your mental health issues under control. OP, have you been diagnosed by a mental health professional? Are you on medication or undergoing other treatment? If the answer is no to either question you really should seek assistance from a mental health professional. While some of your thoughts/feelings are "normal" given your situation, if indeed you're suffering from clinical depression your state of mind is being altered by your medical condition which won't improve until you get help. Thanks for your reply. I've been under treatment for most of the time since I was 15 -now 21- but as I seemed to be getting better throughout last spring and autumn my psychiatrist and I decided to gradually get to stop medication and therapy. I now only take the lowest possible dose of Xanax once a day for anxiety, but have stopped therapy in december because I literally argued with my psychiatrist and that ended there. Now even if I wanted to go back to therapy there's just too many other things I have to pay for: I am seeing a doctor for GORD, and a voice doctor because the GORD caused widespread chronic irritation of my throat and nodules on my vocal chords, which had an awful impact on my well being, as singing is my biggest passion and I was in my Uni's choir. Moreover I am leaving next month for an Erasmus project in Germany for 7 months and that's another really heavy load money-wise. And there's no point starting therapy again when I'll have to stop in three weeks. So I seemed to be getting better but now I'm realising more and more that I feel like I'm going back in the depression pit. It doesn't help that most of my friends now are abroad for Erasmus projects so I pretty much don't have anyone here to talk to or go out with. I'm sorry for writing all of this, really, I don't know how anyone could care, but it's just nice to get things out. How pathetic I must sound. Yes. It makes sense. And you are normal to feel this way. You are his gf, you are worthy of his time. You brought it up. He tried to improve but its also not enough. I think you should set yourself a deadline. If this relationship isnt making you happy anymore, you should leave it. Because there is nothing you can do than taking care of yourself. Thanks to you too for your reply. You're also probably not wrong but my main issue was trying to understand if the bulk of my negative feelings about this is coming from the real me or from the ill side of me. It's happened to me before and it's never healthy to decide when I'm in a depressive episode.
justwhoiam Posted January 23, 2016 Posted January 23, 2016 what does this sound like to you? It sounds like something I've already experienced. And that probably many other people in a LDR have experienced too, especially those having reached 1 or 2 years together. Do I even have a right to feeling put aside when after all, he flies over fairly often -as do I-? Yes, provided you have solid reasons to feel that way. I guess what you are missing is some quality time while he's away. The good-morning and goodnight texts are OK, but won't make up for the distance you're experiencing. You need to start from the fact that men are generally different. So you can't really compare your own needs to his. I'm saying this because there have been times when I did that, and it was not fair. Just as an example, don't ask yourself why someone doesn't feel like going on holiday if the person doesn't know what holidays are. They'd probably love it, just they have no clue and no desire for something they don't know and never experienced. I just want some insight on whether this numbness towards him could be my depression. I've felt numb, I felt like I was falling out of love... but it wasn't so. I was sort of losing interest because in my mind, I felt he was not interested as much as I was. Nothing farther from the truth. He just had different ways to show his love. Has it ever happened to any of you? Did you get through it? Yes, I think I got out of that phase. Thanks for your attention, a hug to all of you You're welcome. And I might use a hug these days Be more relaxed. Get help about your depression. Try to smile, be cheerful and always look at the positive side of anything. Then ask your boyfriend if you can have a weekly date with him, that he can fit into his schedule. Every day is made of 24 hours. That means 168 hours a week, 111 hours if you take out his sleep time. You'd be asking him to spend around 2% of his awake time with you, which seems to me more than reasonable. Be flexible about when, what and how. He might not know what to do, so you can suggest ideas. It might either be talking about what to do for the next visit together, or planning a weekend somewhere, or watching a movie together and then talking about it, talking about sexual things.... Good luck, and let us know how it's going.
Author med1994 Posted January 24, 2016 Author Posted January 24, 2016 Be more relaxed. Get help about your depression. Try to smile, be cheerful and always look at the positive side of anything. Then ask your boyfriend if you can have a weekly date with him, that he can fit into his schedule. Every day is made of 24 hours. That means 168 hours a week, 111 hours if you take out his sleep time. You'd be asking him to spend around 2% of his awake time with you, which seems to me more than reasonable. Be flexible about when, what and how. He might not know what to do, so you can suggest ideas. It might either be talking about what to do for the next visit together, or planning a weekend somewhere, or watching a movie together and then talking about it, talking about sexual things.... Good luck, and let us know how it's going. Thanks again. I think things are going better. I was going through a particularly negative few days but I've managed to see things a little more clearly. I hate just how much everything I see changes when I'm having a particular bad time. It's really scary. I'm trying to keep as busy as possible, exercise and talk to people and my mind is much calmer. We did call yesterday and will again tonight. We already had the habit of watching films on call together, and even sexual stuff, but it has much diminished in frequency since he's been so busy in these few weeks. I still think the idea of a weekly date is very good, and will bring it up to him. So that if we fail to see each other on other days, too, at least there's that. It mostly feels like he's just utterly unorganised. I hope things are well with you 1
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