Confused and need some advice, please , .

January 22, 2016

I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 2 years now and I started spending more time with him at his apartment. Ever since that happened, things got a little shaky between us. I would nag at him constantly because he began to be more distant and I was not use to that. I know I am wrong for nagging and I should've just given this man his space but I just wanted more attention and affection. We would argue once a week about the same issue and it would never get resolved. Last Wednesday we got into an argument and he told me that he is starting to look into Master programs and try to focus on his career and that if he has time I would receive the remainder of it. I obviously became upset, especially being the more emotional partner in the relationship. I understand that he has other commitments to worry about but he makes me feel like I'm always second to last in everything that he does.

Friday night came and we got into another argument because I expressed how I felt in a controlled manner to him and he was just sitting there, not saying a word nor having a care about how I felt. I have asked him before why he is like this and he said that, "Because there is no point in saying anything because it will never change." I asked him what he thought of me and he said that he has a bad image of me now because of how I was in the beginning of the relationship, even though I had apologized to him for acting cold hearted and I changed for the better. He acknowledged my change but that he still has that in his mind.

I did not know how to react that I just smiled at him and packed some of my clothes and told him I was going to go to my own place and that I would see him later. He then proceeded in telling me that I was giving him mixed signals. I walked out and he just sat there at the edge of the bed doing nothing. It's been a week now and we have not spoken. I am pretty sad about it and really miss this man so much and I do love him. I have been waiting for him to contact me but it has gotten me no where and I am starting to think that I should be the one to contact him. This is the first time this has ever happened and I am use to talking to him everyday.

I went to his apartment when he wasn't there for some things that I needed (clothes). He has not asked for his second set of key, nor asked me to take my things and leave. I am sort of confused on how to handle this situation because I have never been here before. I seriously want to look for him and tell him that I missed him but deep down I do not want to be rejected and I am afraid that he might not want to be with me anymore.

Edited January 22, 2016 by rdrgzjcqln21
title cut off

January 22, 2016

You have been nagging and having a go at him for ages.

No matter how much he likes you every time he looks at you or has you near him he will automatically be waiting for it and that is stressful. Very stressful. He probably just wants to be on his own.

Pick up your things give him back your key, apologise, learn your lesson and move on.

January 22, 2016

I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 2 years now and I started spending more time with him at his apartment. Ever since that happened, things got a little shaky between us.

That's very telling. If spending more time with him after 2 years dating makes him put distance between you 2 that's because it's too close for comfort for him. I would say he is no more in love with you or maybe he's never been.

I would nag at him constantly because he began to be more distant and I was not use to that. I know I am wrong for nagging and I should've just given this man his space but I just wanted more attention and affection.

You're right nagging will kill a man's desire for you in a split second BUT in this care here it was a direct reaction to his lack of love and attention.

I don't think the nagging killed this relationship. I think you starting to spend time at his place made him realize he's not into you anymore.

We would argue once a week about the same issue and it would never get resolved.

What about?

Last Wednesday we got into an argument and he told me that he is starting to look into Master programs and try to focus on his career and that if he has time I would receive the remainder of it. I obviously became upset, especially being the more emotional partner in the relationship. I understand that he has other commitments to worry about but he makes me feel like I'm always second to last in everything that he does.

How inconsiderate and heartless. I don't even talk like that to my dog. If he can't sit down and have a heart to heart conversation with you about time than he doesn't deserve your time. Actually I don't even think he wants your time.

Friday night came and we got into another argument because I expressed how I felt in a controlled manner to him and he was just sitting there, not saying a word nor having a care about how I felt. I have asked him before why he is like this and he said that, "Because there is no point in saying anything because it will never change. I asked him what he thought of me and he said that he has a bad image of me now because of how I was in the beginning of the relationship, even though I had apologized to him for acting cold hearted and I changed for the better. He acknowledged my change but that he still has that in his mind.

Too much resentment in this relationship for it to continue. He doesn't want to communicate to you and he can't read that your nagging and cligny behavior is a reaction to him shutting you out.

I did not know how to react that I just smiled at him and packed some of my clothes and told him I was going to go to my own place and that I would see him later. He then proceeded in telling me that I was giving him mixed signals. I walked out and he just sat there at the edge of the bed doing nothing. It's been a week now and we have not spoken. I am pretty sad about it and really miss this man so much and I do love him. I have been waiting for him to contact me but it has gotten me no where and I am starting to think that I should be the one to contact him. This is the first time this has ever happened and I am use to talking to him everyday.

You gave him mixed signals? Really? About his own mixed signals? his refusal to communicate? his inconsiderate behavior toward you? his dismissing of your feelings?

I went to his apartment when he wasn't there for some things that I needed (clothes). He has not asked for his second set of key, nor asked me to take my things and leave. I am sort of confused on how to handle this situation because I have never been here before. I seriously want to look for him and tell him that I missed him but deep down I do not want to be rejected and I am afraid that he might not want to be with me anymore.

You leave him, unless you're ready to continue a relationship where your feelings are constantly dismissed, where there is no communication, and where you get little crumbs here and there when he's inclined to give you time.

Not all relationships are meant to be or to last. This sounds like a very one sided relationship. One that sounds like it's his way or the highway.

January 22, 2016

I've been here before, wanting time and affection from somebody and getting the cold shoulder, if it hasn't changed, chances are it never will change, at least it never did in my case anyway.

Seems like your acting in ways to try to get him to act out and it seems like he's probably aware of this and doesn't know how to act or do what is best, I would tell you to work on your issues of going against what it is that you want and need, be straight forward, no games.

Reach out only if you want to, don't wait around because chances are he might be wondering the same thing "why hasn't she reached out to me?", either way, it's upto you whatever you do, I know I wouldn't be able to leave it as is without knowing for sure that it's definitely over but that's just me, if your the same way then reach out and see what happens.

January 22, 2016

Girl, you have to get a hold of your "clingliness". I mean, you got upset that he was looking into Master's programs to better himself and become more financially secure? If I were you and he told you that he wanted to spend more time with his friends, then sure, you would have cause to be a little upset. But, to start an argument over him going back to school?!?!

One thing you have to understand; is with a relationship, there will always be a level of sacrifice. But, that's what makes relationships stronger. Because, you two are able to communicate and fight through any obstacles. But, the key word is communicate. You need to LISTEN to what he is telling you and try to understand HIS point of view. But, on the flip side, he needs to understand where you're coming from too. That you value your time together. That if this is something that he needs to do, then fine. You'll support him 100%, but he needs to understand that you have needs too. That every once in a while, he needs to put his books to the side and spend time with you. Relationships CANNOT be all one sided. There's always going to be so give and take.

So, maybe you need to stop being so stubborn and go over there and talk to him. Bite the bullet and swallow your pride. And talk TO him, not talk AT him. Really sit down and have a heart to heart.

Edited January 22, 2016 by Chi townD

January 22, 2016

Girl, you have to get a hold of your "clingliness". I mean, you got upset that he was looking into Master's programs to better himself and become more financially secure? If I were you and he told you that he wanted to spend more time with his friends, then sure, you would have cause to be a little upset. But, to start an argument over him going back to school?!?!

One thing you have to understand; is with a relationship, there will always be a level of sacrifice. But, that's what makes relationships stronger. Because, you two are able to communicate and fight through any obstacles. But, the key word is communicate. You need to LISTEN to what he is telling you and try to understand HIS point of view. But, on the flip side, he needs to understand where you're coming from too. That you value your time together. That if this is something that he needs to do, then fine. You'll support him 100%, but he needs to understand that you have needs too. That every once in a while, he needs to put his books to the side and spend time with you. Relationships CANNOT be all one sided. There's always going to be so give and take.

So, maybe you need to stop being so stubborn and go over there and talk to him. Bite the bullet and swallow your pride. And talk TO him, not talk AT him. Really sit down and have a heart to heart.

Well I was the one who encouraged him to look into his Masters and he finally did. That's not the problem. I understand he has to do that because I work and go to school just like 90% of people but I still have time for him. It's how he said it that made me feel like I was second to last in everything. I'm not asking for affection all day everyday but a little hug, kiss and an I love you would do. I will talk to him but not yet. I'm afraid of the outcome. I did go to his place yesterday and I won't lie, I expected my things to be in a plastic bag somewhere lol. He didn't mention anything about me being there not told me not to come I when he's not home. I try to understand him but he doesn't speak his feelings and I have told him that I can never know where he's coming from unless he does so. But like I said, I left because he said that he has a bad image of me due to how the relationship started. I guess I was less excited than he was. But I think I'm this way because I saw him as my miracle because I've been treated so badly by previous men and he showed me that not all of them are the same so I held on to him. I didn't grow up with my father even though we would communicate here and there but never developed an actual bond that a father and daughter should have so maybe I act a certain way because of that. My boyfriend is well aware of this

January 22, 2016

Well I was the one who encouraged him to look into his Masters and he finally did. That's not the problem. I understand he has to do that because I work and go to school just like 90% of people but I still have time for him. It's how he said it that made me feel like I was second to last in everything. I'm not asking for affection all day everyday but a little hug, kiss and an I love you would do. I will talk to him but not yet. I'm afraid of the outcome. I did go to his place yesterday and I won't lie, I expected my things to be in a plastic bag somewhere lol. He didn't mention anything about me being there not told me not to come I when he's not home. I try to understand him but he doesn't speak his feelings and I have told him that I can never know where he's coming from unless he does so. But like I said, I left because he said that he has a bad image of me due to how the relationship started. I guess I was less excited than he was. But I think I'm this way because I saw him as my miracle because I've been treated so badly by previous men and he showed me that not all of them are the same so I held on to him. I didn't grow up with my father even though we would communicate here and there but never developed an actual bond that a father and daughter should have so maybe I act a certain way because of that. My boyfriend is well aware of this

Well, this explains a lot. I think he wants to be a boyfriend and not a father. Also, because you were less excited about entering into a relationship with him, then he felt that too. Therefore, he probably always had you at an arms length. Always waiting for that other shoe to drop. It's just a self preservation and subconscious way of preparing himself for the day you leave him because you made it obvious from the beginning that you weren't that serious about him. Even though your feelings had changed and you discovered that he's the guy you fell for, he didn't know it.

See, a guy wants to know that he's loved just as much as girls do. That they're desired by their girlfriends. Guy's just aren't as vocal about it.

I think your biggest problem is, is that you two don't know how to talk to each other and understand each other. I don't know, maybe I'm wrong. But, at least it's something to think about.

Edited January 22, 2016 by Chi townD

January 22, 2016

Well, this explains a lot. I think he wants to be a boyfriend and not a father. Also, because you were less excited about entering into a relationship with him, then he felt that too. Therefore, he probably always had you at an arms length. Always waiting for that other shoe to drop. It's just a self preservation and subconscious way of preparing himself for the day you leave him because you made it obvious from the beginning that you weren't that serious about him. Even though your feelings had changed and you discovered that he's the guy you fell for, he didn't know it.

See, a guy wants to know that he's loved just as much as girls do. That they're desired by their girlfriends. Guy's just aren't as vocal about it.

I think your biggest problem is, is that you two don't know how to talk to each other and understand each other. I don't know, maybe I'm wrong. But, at least it's something to think about.

It makes sense of what you say. Ive suggested therapy but he doesn't want to because the last time he went when he was having problems with his ex, the therapist mentioned he's a very negative thinker. I don't feel secure which why I'm so hesitant. I'll wait for the weekend to end and if not then I will go and talk to him.

January 22, 2016

I've been here before, wanting time and affection from somebody and getting the cold shoulder, if it hasn't changed, chances are it never will change, at least it never did in my case anyway.

Seems like your acting in ways to try to get him to act out and it seems like he's probably aware of this and doesn't know how to act or do what is best, I would tell you to work on your issues of going against what it is that you want and need, be straight forward, no games.

Reach out only if you want to, don't wait around because chances are he might be wondering the same thing "why hasn't she reached out to me?", either way, it's upto you whatever you do, I know I wouldn't be able to leave it as is without knowing for sure that it's definitely over but that's just me, if your the same way then reach out and see what happens.

That's what my mother said. She said that if he's like this then I have to accept it if I want to be with him. She also said I should just wait because I've been trying to communicate with him and fix our indifferences but he keeps pushing me away. I don't know why people make love a difficult thing to understand

January 22, 2016

That's very telling. If spending more time with him after 2 years dating makes him put distance between you 2 that's because it's too close for comfort for him. I would say he is no more in love with you or maybe he's never been.

You're right nagging will kill a man's desire for you in a split second BUT in this care here it was a direct reaction to his lack of love and attention.

I don't think the nagging killed this relationship. I think you starting to spend time at his place made him realize he's not into you anymore.

What about?

How inconsiderate and heartless. I don't even talk like that to my dog. If he can't sit down and have a heart to heart conversation with you about time than he doesn't deserve your time. Actually I don't even think he wants your time.

Too much resentment in this relationship for it to continue. He doesn't want to communicate to you and he can't read that your nagging and cligny behavior is a reaction to him shutting you out.

You gave him mixed signals? Really? About his own mixed signals? his refusal to communicate? his inconsiderate behavior toward you? his dismissing of your feelings?

You leave him, unless you're ready to continue a relationship where your feelings are constantly dismissed, where there is no communication, and where you get little crumbs here and there when he's inclined to give you time.

Not all relationships are meant to be or to last. This sounds like a very one sided relationship. One that sounds like it's his way or the highway.

We would fight about him not giving me enough affection and he told me that he didn't see why I needed more affection than he did. I told him that he just made me feel like an accessory and he said that he doesn't see why I feel that way and that we both have different philosophies about a relationship. He has told me that around the 6th month mark he wasn't sure if our relationship would work because we were two different people but he continued because he fell in love with me. I asked him Friday if he still loved me or is still in love with me, he said yes but I mentioned that he doesn't show it.

Both of his relationship before me ended in similar circumstances where the women wanted more from him but he just couldn't give them what they wanted because he was focused in school etc. The more I think about the hurtful things he has said to me, the more angry I get and the less I want to go find him and talk to him. But it doesn't change the fact that I love him and I hate that

January 22, 2016

We would fight about him not giving me enough affection and he told me that he didn't see why I needed more affection than he did. I told him that he just made me feel like an accessory and he said that he doesn't see why I feel that way and that we both have different philosophies about a relationship. He has told me that around the 6th month mark he wasn't sure if our relationship would work because we were two different people but he continued because he fell in love with me. I asked him Friday if he still loved me or is still in love with me, he said yes but I mentioned that he doesn't show it.

Both of his relationship before me ended in similar circumstances where the women wanted more from him but he just couldn't give them what they wanted because he was focused in school etc. The more I think about the hurtful things he has said to me, the more angry I get and the less I want to go find him and talk to him. But it doesn't change the fact that I love him and I hate that

but he continued because he fell in love with me -- he's not in love with you, he's comfortable with having you around on his terms -- that is the reason things started falling apart when you started spending more time with him and at "his" place.

January 22, 2016

but he continued because he fell in love with me -- he's not in love with you, he's comfortable with having you around on his terms -- that is the reason things started falling apart when you started spending more time with him and at "his" place.

Do you think that I should get my things when he is there or when he's not? I don't want to see him. If he's my in love with me anymore then I'm wasting my time. Meanwhile there could be someone out there who will truly love me and not think of me verbally communicating my needs and nagging. by the looks of it, it seems like he's taking te NC pretty well

January 22, 2016

Not a good match. Sit back and don't jump into anything and give yourself time to reflect and see if you had a part in this or if it's just two personalities not suited for each other. Sorry.

January 23, 2016

You have been nagging and having a go at him for ages.

No matter how much he likes you every time he looks at you or has you near him he will automatically be waiting for it and that is stressful. Very stressful. He probably just wants to be on his own.

Pick up your things give him back your key, apologise, learn your lesson and move on.

I don't need to apologize to someone who doesn't acknowledge my feelings and just brushes them off because they don't see why I need more affection than they do. Everyone has their own way of understanding what love means to them and how it needs to be demonstrated by their partner. It's up to both partners to sit down together and communicate their needs and compromise. I've asked nicely before and it didn't get me anywhere and I also asked him if he would like to go to couples therapy so that we can communicate and understand each other better. He refused because he has been there before and they've told him he's a very negative thinker.. This wasn't a problem until he moved to his own place. He stopped doing things for me that he use to do and telling me how beautiful I was etc. I started asking for more of him and that is normal once you start getting serious in a relationship.

I expressed my emotions and feelings to him about him and the relationship and I'm responsible for my own and so is he. I can understand how it can be stressful for him but it's also stressful for me knowing that I deserve to be loved and committed to. I've asked him to express himself to me about how he felt in the relationship and he just won't do it because he probably doesn't understand how to or doesn't think it's necessary. I'm 23 and he's 25 years old and he blames me for everything that he has been going through in his life since we've been together. . Him calling me a negative person when in reality I'm not because I'm a believer in living life to the fullest and appreciating what you have, while others are less fortunate and he doesn't understand that.

He wants to be on his own, I understand that. But I also think that if he's a grown man, he should be up front with me and not beat around the bush. Because what I am asking from him is basic human needs and if he can't provide them because he is not ready to be fully committed to a relationship, then I am fine with that because the same way I fell in love with him, the same way I can find someone else who is willing to work with me and I do the same with him. It's easy to give love but it's difficult to recieve and give it to the person who is not ready.

Edited January 23, 2016 by rdrgzjcqln21
Forgot words

January 23, 2016

OP, I agree that your "nagging" probably did in this relationship and I agree with his assertion that you "are sending mixed signals".

The first time you noticed (after moving in with him) that he was withdrawing, you should have had a discussion with him about it and expressed how it was unacceptable to you. Then, if he continued to be distant from you, you should have packed up your things and moved out.

The "nagging" came into play when you (weekly, did you say?) brought up the issue, again, and then stuck around for another week to live with the distance, just to bring it up, again. The "mixed signals" (in his mind) is that for the past 2 years you've "nagged" about it, *like* it bothered you, but never did anything about it. Now, *suddenly* you've [kinda] moved out over something you've in all actuality been A-OK with for 2 years.

Lesson learned: in relationships, don't be like the Boy Who Cried Wolf; if it's an issue, it needs to be resolved. If it can't be resolved, you two aren't meant to be together for two more minutes/days/weeks, let alone for two more years.

Best of luck to you, OP...

January 23, 2016

OP, I agree that your "nagging" probably did in this relationship and I agree with his assertion that you "are sending mixed signals".

The first time you noticed (after moving in with him) that he was withdrawing, you should have had a discussion with him about it and expressed how it was unacceptable to you. Then, if he continued to be distant from you, you should have packed up your things and moved out.

The "nagging" came into play when you (weekly, did you say?) brought up the issue, again, and then stuck around for another week to live with the distance, just to bring it up, again. The "mixed signals" (in his mind) is that for the past 2 years you've "nagged" about it, *like* it bothered you, but never did anything about it. Now, *suddenly* you've [kinda] moved out over something you've in all actuality been A-OK with for 2 years.

Lesson learned: in relationships, don't be like the Boy Who Cried Wolf; if it's an issue, it needs to be resolved. If it can't be resolved, you two aren't meant to be together for two more minutes/days/weeks, let alone for two more years.

Best of luck to you, OP...

Yeah, I recognized that mistake and I realize that I shouldn't settle for less that what I deserve. Thank you

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Confused and need some advice, please , .

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