Desperate for Advice-- Lost without my Love

[NewsyNYC]

My boyfriend of 2 1/2 years has been acting oddly for the past few months. I suspected he might be seeing someone else, even though that would have been strangely out of character for him. But a few months later, I found evidence even HE couldn't deny. He broke down sobbing and apologized, said this girl (10 years younger than us, 22) meant nothing to him, and he would break it off and we would make us work. We'd had a few rough months but I thought (mainly because he was telling me) that it was getting better. Well it turns out that he lied, he did NOT break up with her, even though he swore he did. He said he was taking time off to 'think about us,' because 'when' he came back to me, it had to be 150 percent, so I would never doubt him again. Now I KNOW that he is still with the girl (and she is very young, emotionally), but he is ALSO cruising a dating site. From this I think that it means he is just playing the field. He is STILL telling me he needs 'time apart' to think about us... is he losing his mind? Before this, J was a dependable, loving, honest man. Now he is someone who will date anything in a skirt (the man who said he'd never date a smoker has apparently changed his mind, gotten a tattoo, cheated on me... all these things he said he'd never do). I don't know what to think. I am maintaining the 30 day no contact rule (we're 11 days in), I am making myself go out on a date next week (even though my heart's not in it, I hear it's the best thing to do), and my ex knows I am on this site (it's the same one HE'S on).

 

What could he possibly be thinking? I think part of him might not want to completely lose me.. otherwise he would just tell me, right? Why give me those slivers of hope that we might get together again?

 

I am brokenhearted but I also understand that I am not thinking clearly. Every day it is a battle to keep from contacting him. He was my best friend. The first person I'd talk to in the morning, the last person I'd talk to at night. Now I feel lost, and alone.. and totally unsure what to do.

 

Thanks for any advice,

 

NewsyNYC

[outdated]

I think you're doing the right thing by staying away from him right now. There's nothing else you can do. I'm not sure about the date thing, only because you said your heart wasn't in it. I think just surrounding yourself with friends and doing new stuff would be enough. You don't want to jump into dating- it won't make you forget this early- it might make you feel even worse no matter how great your date is.

 

Chin up, he has to come to terms with himself before anything positive can happen. Stick with NC and try to move on.

[NewsyNYC]

Thanks, outdated. The dating thing was recommended by people who say you need to remind yourself that the ex isn't the only person in the world who will find you attractive, etc. The guy I'm meeting for coffee knows that I am not ready to jump into something serious yet. But it still does drive me crazy to wonder if J misses me, if he's sorry he broke it off, if he ever thinks about contacting ME, etc. Oy. One day at a time. It's just so hard to go from talking with someone about marriage to...not talking at all.

[outdated]

There's no doubt about it. Going from all to nothing is a terrible feeling. I am positive that he thinks about you. There's no way he can't. As he was removed from your life, so were you from his. If I've learned something from my recent break up (almost three months now) is that it doesn't help to wallow in the past or in the dreams of the future that might be lost. I didn't know what I was going to do when she left, the thought of her not being in my life was extremely painful. But I forced myself to move on and now she is inching her way back into my life. I guess what I'm saying is work on you and if it's meant to be, he'll find you again, one way or another. If he never misses you, he won't care to come back, and the only way he will miss you is if you disappear for a while.

 

In NYC if that's where your tag indicates you are, there are plenty of attractive people for you. I used to live in the city and the dating life is hard but there are plenty of swimmers in the pool, so to speak. I'm sure you'll have no problem connecting with someone else if your ex continues to stay you ex.

 

Side note: it sounds like your ex is going through some sort of mid-life crisis. He's getting tatted, dating younger women blah blah blah. Throw in a red Corvette convertible and a baseball hat and you got yourself a guy teetering on the edge of a breakdown.

 

You're gonna be fine, with or without him. Have fun on your date!

[NewsyNYC]

That's EXACTLY what I feel like he's going through. Up until now, I was the one who was hesitant to get married. Once I started coming around, it seemed like HE started freaking out. I am very close with his mother, and called her a week after we broke up. I have told her everything (I know her well enough to know she will wait for him to tell her... which he STILL hasn't.. his parents only know we broke up because I told them) and she says I deserve better, even though of course she loves her son. She said what he is doing is wrong, and she wants me to keep going on with my life while he works through whatever the hell he's working through. She says J is avoiding her calls because he is ashamed of how he's acting and he KNOWS his parents will be disappointed to find out what happened with us. I wanted to marry their son, and THEY were thrilled at the prospect! She says, of course, if J and I ever get back together, 'these talks never happened.' She is an amazing woman. She is really the only person I can talk to about this on ALL angles. She knows her son even better than I do.

 

Yes, I am in NYC.. and trying to meet new people. This date I'm going on is just a chance to maybe make a new friend, and I have been very upfront with this person about it. I feel so lost without J... but I know I can't sit at home and cry any more.

 

Thanks for listening.

[NewsyNYC]

Ok.. I blew it. After only three weeks I instant messaged him. We talked for a long time. He gave me the usual "I will always love you" and tells me that most of the time he thinks he made the hugest mistake of his life in leaving me... and yet he has no intention of coming back. He says we'll be friends again someday (I'm not sure I can handle that but I'm not telling him) but I doubt it. He has pretty much shacked up with someone else (I found out he was seeing us both for the past few months) and yet is also still on match.com. So I guess he is not committed to anyone but himself right now. Part of me wants so badly to call this other girl (who is 10 years younger) and tell her that the man she thinks is 100 percent hers is still looking for someone else.. I say that only because she claims she would dump anyone who cheated on her. I know it wouldn't bring him back to me, but at least he'd be alone. with 0 girls after juggling 2. I just don't know what to do. It seems like he is reluctant to say we will NEVER get together again, but that in my heart is what I think the truth really is. It's a devastating revelation, but in my head I know someday I will get over this.. but it will be a long long time. What do I do now? Do I try to be friends with him?? Is it possible when he sees the changes in me (more confidence, more weight loss, etc) that he will reconsider his decision??

 

Still Lost in the Big Apple,

 

Newsynyc

[westernxer]

Don't try to be friends with him... it'll kill you. It's killing you now. Talk is cheap when there's no action to back it up. If he can't love you the way you want to be loved, is there really a point in saying it? It goes both ways, of course, but I'd rather not hear empty words, because they mean nothing if we're not together.

 

If you're gonna lose weight and all that jazz, do it for you. Then go out and find another guy who deserves you. Make the ex sorry by moving on. He'll come back after you've done all this hard work, but you'll be over him by then. Too bad for him.

[NewsyNYC]

Thanks Westernxer..

 

I have been losing weight since last year. I had already lost 38 pounds before we broke up (about another 20 to go). He always said he'd love me no matter what. He had also put on about 50 pounds, but of COURSE I didn't care.. I love him even if he'd lost every hair on his head (and he nearly has.. big issue with him but again.. I didn't care).

 

I feel like he's giving me these little slivers of hope. He still wants me in his life... but if I do that, then he gets to have his cake and eat it too. On the other hand, I can't imagine my life without him. I wonder if we're still friends and he sees me as I am and all the great changes I'm making, that he'll change his mind. But on the same hand, you're right... I probably won't want him by then. If he's not willing to sacrifice for me NOW, I don't understand why I would want him later. I want the OLD us, and I have to wrap my head and heart around the fact that the old 'us' is gone forever.

 

The sadness is overwhelming still.. I wonder when I'll ever get over it.. IF I'll ever get over it. He says he thinks about me all the time, worries that he made a mistake, etc.. and I wonder if that's true or if he's just saying it to make me feel better.

 

I guess the only thing to do is go on without him. I don't feel strong enough to do it right now, but I don't have any other option.

[westernxer]

You get over it one day at a time. But you've got to want it.

 

There is no easy way... makes life worth living, doesn't it?

[moon]

I say that only because she claims she would dump anyone who cheated on her.

 

Isn't it funny how these type of girls who almost seem to enjoy coming in between relationships claim to hold such high standards for themselves. This girl sounds totally in denial. I haven't noticed that men do this as much. If they are the third wheel in a relationship (help break it up or whatever) I think men more snicker a little and say "yeah I got her." There isn't a lot of holier than thou claims like the other women. But some of these homewrecker type women always seem to play this high moral card when what they are really doing is breaking up a relationship and helping the guy cheat. I wish these type of girls would see themselves for what they are really are! I mean if a women (or man for that matter) is dating somebody who is with somebody else...........HELLO that's probably going to happen to them too in the end.

 

OP, sorry your boyfriend is doing this to you. He sounds totally confused and I think it's true that you are probably better off with out him, but I am sure that doesn't make you feel much better right now. Don't know what else to say. It sucks.

[outdated]

Originally posted by moon

! I mean if a women (or man for that matter) is dating somebody who is with somebody else...........HELLO that's probably going to happen to them too in the end.

 

Amen. When I was younger and much dumber (if that's possible ) I was the third wheel that helped a girl cheat and eventually leave her boyfriend. At the time I didn't think much of it because he lived in another state anyhow and I convinced myself that it would've been just a matter of time anyhow.

 

Well needless to say, she did the same thing to me with a mutual friend of ours. She was bad news and I don't regret it ending, but it showed me that being that person that ends a relationship is a moral no-no.

 

I found out randomly through a friend that had seen her lately (we broke up about three years ago) that she was with a guy and cheated on him 4 times! He was still brokenhearted. I talked to him and told him that the same thing happened to me and there's no reason to be brokenhearted by a slut. Man, her karma is all sorts of trashed.

[NewsyNYC]

I am realizing more and more every day that this guy is SCREWED UP. We started instant messaging again last week. I keep it light and let him think I'm doing GREAT and I try not to bring up our relationship. I DID ask him to come get this stuff that's at my apt (it's a LOT... he will need to bring his car) and said I'd like him to return what I left at his place. He got offended first and said 'So what? We're just going to sanitize each other out of our lives??!"

 

What an a**h***!!!!!! This from the man who CHEATED ON ME for five months. Somehow I kept my cool and didn't call him a flaming hypocrite. Anyway, I just told him this was what *I* need to move on, and he is feeling so guilty for being such a cheater that he says he'll do whatever I ask.

 

Well, I was just browsing the web for fun and found out he is not only on match.com (while with this 'other girl,' can't even call her a woman.. she is a VERY young 22) but he's on friendfinders.com, using the EXACT SAME USERNAME and PROFILE as he uses on match. God. It really ISN'T about me. He apparently just wants to screw around with anything in a skirt as much as possible. I have to admit I do feel a little better knowing that this Sara girl is going to get her heart broken just like I did. I have a feeling that if she doesn't actually KNOW I existed, she at least suspected and didn't care.

 

Man, this is REALLY helping me get over him. The man I fell in love with died about six months ago (when he started cheating on me). He knows I'm moving on, he thinks I am doing great (I AM doing better each and every day) and HE is still MISERABLE.

 

GOOD.

 

LOSER.

 

I'm wanting less and less for him to come back.. before I thought he would 'come to his senses' or 'realize how empty his life is without me.' For instance, he would toss little remarks like "I really miss talking to you" or "You have no idea how many times every day I want to talk to you, message you, call you," or "Don't you know that a HUGE part of me thinks every day I have made the biggest mistake of my life??" (For leaving me) I told him "Look... if you are in love with Sara, just TELL me. If we are over FOREVER, JUST TELL ME." And his reply? "I can't. I DON'T KNOW THAT." I told him "Do you realize when you answer me like that it gives me hope??" And he said yes, he realized that.

 

GRADE A a**h***.

 

Learning to love him a little less each day...

 

NewsyNYC

[suegail]

This guy just ain't too bright or he's delusional or both. I don't know why you waste your time trying to talk to him. The words 'pathological liar' comes to mind - - gee, I wonder why? I guess it's because it sounds like he's lied to you about everything, from start to finish, and he's no doubt doing the same thing to poor Sara, and to any other unsuspecting woman he meets on the dating sites.

 

It would be good if you could feel you're lucky to not be involved with him anymore and I hope that day comes. You don't need this person in your life, someone who is going to hurt you like this. I just hope you'll shut down all communication with him, because it's not fair, he's playing a game with your emotions and it's ripping you apart.