Breadcrumb ... I know, I know [updated]

[DontBreakEven]

I got an email today (a month after the final blowout .. I mean, it's OVER).

 

Says:

 

"I miss you, and I think about you a lot. I just wanted you to know that.

 

I hope you're doing well."

 

 

I have not responded and don't intend to. I'm seeing someone else. But, I also feel a bit bad ignoring her completely. Though the way I look at this message, doesn't even seem like she should expect a response. Thoughts?

Edited January 22, 2016 by DontBreakEven

[mightycpa]

Elvis said it best:

 

Return to sender.

Address unknown.

No such number,

No such zone

[Simon Phoenix]

Why are you even allowing her access to email you?

[Wewon]

I got an email today (a month after the final blowout .. I mean, it's OVER).

 

Says:

 

"I miss you, and I think about you a lot. I just wanted you to know that.

 

I hope you're doing well."

 

 

I have not responded and don't intend to. I'm seeing someone else. But, I also feel a bit bad ignoring her completely. Though the way I look at this message, doesn't even seem like she should expect a response. Thoughts?

 

Personally, I wouldn't respond to that. There was no questions, no conversation, just a declaration in hopes that you are going to infer some meaning to it.

 

When I was younger this would have tugged at me, now I find it manipulative and offensive. This would only strengthen my resolve for NC.

[DontBreakEven]

Why are you even allowing her access to email you?

 

I don't feel the need to go so far as blocking emails and phone. She's blocked on social media, that's enough. If she had something super important to tell me (like someone died or something), I don't mind her having access to contact me. I just assume she will respect me, and not.

[DontBreakEven]

Personally, I wouldn't respond to that. There was no questions, no conversation, just a declaration in hopes that you are going to infer some meaning to it.

 

When I was younger this would have tugged at me, now I find it manipulative and offensive. This would only strengthen my resolve for NC.

 

Completely agree and that's why I decided not to respond. She didn't ask anything. Didn't say she wanted to talk. Just made statements. Didn't even say she loved me still. Doesn't seem like she would even expect a response to this.

[DontBreakEven]

It's been about a year since we broke up initially, about 4 months NC. I'm with someone else now whom I met online and is actually moving next week 300 miles to my town to attempt a real, full time relationship with me. I am happy with this girl, although I can't say with any certainty yet what it will become, as we have yet to be together in the same city, so we will see.

 

But anyway, my ex sent me a text out of the blue on Friday night wanting to ask how I am. I finally answered (I haven't answered her last couple silly emails that just say "I miss you and I just want you to know that"), and I told her that I am doing well, but I don't wish to go back to communicating. She said, "Okay. I love you. Please don't ever forget that. And that is all. Just know it." I said, Okay I do know that.

 

Then a couple hours later she texted again telling me to please just tell her that I'm with someone else so that she can stop thinking of me. I responded and told her that I don't understand why she is still thinking of me so much, considering our final conversation and how she was, etc. Basically I told her that I just don't see why she is even bothering thinking of me anymore, no matter what my life status is these days.

 

It took her 7 hours to read that text (she has read receipts), which is so typical of her. One would think if you are texting your ex after 4 months of not speaking, and you miss her so bad, you would be hanging on the edge of everything she said. She didn't respond either, which is also so typical of her. That was a big issue with us - communication. It was deplorable. She preferred texting as the main way to talk. She would hang up on me if I tried to resolve conflict over the phone, and resort to texting.

 

Anyway, this has really set me back a bit. She has nothing cathartic to say, as always, but I always wish she would. I don't know why it's so hard for me to let go of the love I have for her. I guess some people will just always have a special place in your heart? I don't know. I'm looking forward to focusing on the new relationship, but honestly sometimes I feel a bit nervous to move on. Especially when someone that I will probably always love, tells me they will always love me. Not that it means ANYTHING when it comes to her because her words never match up with her actions, but still. Just hard. Thanks for listening.

[Zahara]

This is the one that left you for her "old-man boyfriend?" Likely things are not working out for her so she's sniffing. Looking for a fallback.

 

I'm not sure why you've never blocked her. This is why strict NC is so important.

 

You have a woman moving 300 miles to make it work with you and your mind/heart is with someone else. You couldn't even acknowledge this woman's presence in your life to your ex. In 4 months - barely enough time to grieve and heal - in leaps and bounds, you dated a woman that is now uprooting herself to be with you. All in that short span of time.

 

I suggest you block your ex. Nonsense is right. You know why you've never let go of the love you had for her -- because you never gave yourself any time to heal from this. It's only been 4 months.

Edited April 21, 2016 by Zahara

[DontBreakEven]

Yes, it is the ex with the "old-man boyfriend".

 

In my defense, although yes it's been 4 months since last contact, it has in actually been a good 9 months since any actual REAL contact. But anyway, 4 months ago when she finally once and for good was cold on the phone and told me about getting back with the old man, I felt something lift from me. I had been dating for about 5 months at the times, but I knew I was emotionally unavailable. I finally felt available, so I kept dating, and I did meet someone who happens to live in another city.

 

Yes, I am uprooting this new woman. It's the only way to have a try at a real relationship with her (starting from long distance and keeping it that way is just a ridiculous situation). I feel like there is a lot of potential there. Why did I not acknowledge her to my ex? That's a good question. I just don't feel like I have that kind of bond with her yet because we haven't ever really dated full-time. There's potential, but she has to be in the same city first for us to know what that potential is. Maybe I'm horrible for having her come here, I don't know. I'm hoping after a couple months of actually being together for real I will WANT to acknowledge her to the ex.

 

It doesn't even matter. I can never get back with my ex. It won't ever work, and I feel that I need to and should be moving on with my life, which I have been. I never even thought of blocking her from my phone, honestly. It seems so cruel. She is blocked on social media and all that silly stuff. I don't know. Obviously I'm just an idiot.

[Zahara]

Yes, it is the ex with the "old-man boyfriend".

 

In my defense, although yes it's been 4 months since last contact, it has in actually been a good 9 months since any actual REAL contact. But anyway, 4 months ago when she finally once and for good was cold on the phone and told me about getting back with the old man, I felt something lift from me. I had been dating for about 5 months at the times, but I knew I was emotionally unavailable. I finally felt available, so I kept dating, and I did meet someone who happens to live in another city.

 

9 months or 4 months, regardless -- it's obvious that you haven't fully moved on or at least reached a level of healing from your ending.

 

Yes, I am uprooting this new woman. It's the only way to have a try at a real relationship with her (starting from long distance and keeping it that way is just a ridiculous situation). I feel like there is a lot of potential there. Why did I not acknowledge her to my ex? That's a good question. I just don't feel like I have that kind of bond with her yet because we haven't ever really dated full-time. There's potential, but she has to be in the same city first for us to know what that potential is. Maybe I'm horrible for having her come here, I don't know. I'm hoping after a couple months of actually being together for real I will WANT to acknowledge her to the ex.

 

The issue is that this woman is coming to the table with a full deck and you aren't -- moving closer to you to discover if you both have a future is one thing but moving closer to you to discover if you both have a future while your heart and mind is still stuck on an ex is another -- it is very unfair.

 

Acknowledge her to the ex in a couple of months? You shouldn't be talking to the ex. She isn't entitled to any insight into your life. Your focus should be on this new woman 110% -- your ex should be blocked indefinitely, especially when you're still emotionally affected by her.

 

Truly, the more you speak, the more it's clear that you should not even be contemplating a relationship.

 

It doesn't even matter. I can never get back with my ex. It won't ever work, and I feel that I need to and should be moving on with my life, which I have been. I never even thought of blocking her from my phone, honestly. It seems so cruel. She is blocked on social media and all that silly stuff. I don't know. Obviously I'm just an idiot.

 

It's called self-preservation. There is nothing cruel about prioritizing your healing and your need to move on with your life. Cruel -- just an excuse. Let's be honest. You still wanted to be open to her contact. You still desired her validation. You still had hope to one day hear from her. That is why you left that one little window open.

[thespacey1]

Yeah, I think it's a bit unfair to have someone move closer to you just to "see IF...if" things work out aka just to date. Are your sure that's what you want?

 

IMO, you're doing what so many people do because they think that's the solution for moving on and healing fast, but it's not . Cool to date people after your breakup, but when you move so fast to the point that it feels slightly uncertain and not right, try slowing down. Your heart and mind will be more on your ex, the more you try to rush into other relationships.

[DontBreakEven]

OKay before ya'll jump down my throat, the girl I'm dating wants to move here and try it with me. I simply suggested that at some point if we wanted to really make this work she'd probably have to move, and she jumped all over it. And she is aware that there is an obvious possibility that she and I might not work out, but we both want to try. So, there's that.

 

If I could casually date in my own city, I would, but unfortunately I did happen to meet someone elsewhere, and we've been dating for 4 months (every other weekend visits .. 5 hour drives) so I'm pretty committed to giving the new relationship my all. I apologize if that didn't come off quite as clear at first.

 

It is just simply hard when an ex tells you they still love you. None of my past exes have ever done that (they went MIA from breakup day one and that was it), so it brings up an odd emotion in me that I don't really know how to place, if that makes sense. Almost makes me feel guilty, in a sense, for moving on.

[surferchic]

Try to not feel guilty. I could see if you dumped her, but it was the other way around.

 

I'm female, but being objective I sense that she is stringing you along...

[Kelsy]

Ex is stringing you along. She is just sending some texts but thats all! She should do more than that. My ex was stringing me along months and at one point wanted some relationship (even convinced me) but then he just disappeared. Found something new. He even didnt let me know and that was hurtful. Deep down I knew that something was off. I didnt feel respected anymore. But didnt want to accept the reality - this person was changed. I dont know why they are so cruel like this. Dont let you move on, manipulate you. The sad truth is when they find someone else more interesting they drop you like a ...They dont care about you anymore at all. I wish karma will bite this kind of people.

Please dont give her any power. She is selfish. Wants you to want her and its just for her ego.

[Broken_Hearted1]

OKay before ya'll jump down my throat, the girl I'm dating wants to move here and try it with me. I simply suggested that at some point if we wanted to really make this work she'd probably have to move, and she jumped all over it. And she is aware that there is an obvious possibility that she and I might not work out, but we both want to try. So, there's that.

 

If I could casually date in my own city, I would, but unfortunately I did happen to meet someone elsewhere, and we've been dating for 4 months (every other weekend visits .. 5 hour drives) so I'm pretty committed to giving the new relationship my all. I apologize if that didn't come off quite as clear at first.

 

It is just simply hard when an ex tells you they still love you. None of my past exes have ever done that (they went MIA from breakup day one and that was it), so it brings up an odd emotion in me that I don't really know how to place, if that makes sense. Almost makes me feel guilty, in a sense, for moving on.

 

Hello brother,

 

I suggest you throw the feelings for your ex into the trash for now and devote yourself to this girl who is ready to move through cities, just to see if you guys can work out. I mean whoa its a 5 hour drive! My ex and I live in the same city, its a 0.5 hour drive and yet she hasn't been able to manage to see me for a month ( Which is why i broke up ) . If someone is eager to put so much effort into you, i think you should appreciate it and consider yourself lucky. I would do anything for a girl like this , believe me. Unfortunately i am always attracted to the ones who are emotionally and physically unavailable LOL. Just my luck i guess.

[Zahara]

Really? You're telling her that in order to make it work SHE would have to move? How about you add a stipulation that in order to really make it work -- YOU need to be in no contact with your ex so that you can focus 110% on your current relationship? Did you bother to be honest and tell her where your head actually is when she jumped at the at the suggestion of moving so that she could have all the facts and make the choice as to whether it was the right time to move or whether she would be thrilled at the idea of uprooting herself for someone that isn't over an ex?

 

If I could casually date in my own city, I would, but unfortunately I did happen to meet someone elsewhere, and we've been dating for 4 months (every other weekend visits .. 5 hour drives) so I'm pretty committed to giving the new relationship my all. I apologize if that didn't come off quite as clear at first.

 

You fail to get the point, or maybe you do but you're choosing not to. I believe it's because you need to justify your decisions. Reverse roles. How would you feel if you found out today that in the process of uprooting for a woman, you discovered she was hung up on her ex and still communicating with him.

 

It is just simply hard when an ex tells you they still love you. None of my past exes have ever done that (they went MIA from breakup day one and that was it), so it brings up an odd emotion in me that I don't really know how to place, if that makes sense. Almost makes me feel guilty, in a sense, for moving on.

 

This is the lesbian girlfriend who left you for a 68 year old married man. There is no love. There is dysfunction. There is the need to for attention, an ego boost, a fallback -- whatever she believes she needs to get her through whatever she's going through. Just because someone calls/texts you and spews a few words, it doesn't mean it's true. Focus on actions.

 

I think what you're doing is very unfair and selfish. If you are true to your word in that you want to make this new relationship work, there should be zero distractions - especially an ex that keeps popping in and emotionally messing with your head and heart.

 

Good luck to you.

Edited April 21, 2016 by Zahara

[kidm]

This new relationship is going nowhere. You're still hang up on your ex. Be honest with her and let her decide if she truly wants to move. Your ex is never coming back but if you want to keep hoping and sticking around for her messages, you should do that alone and not drag someone else into that mess. It's selfish.

[privategal]

Elvis said it best:

 

Actually that newer pop song on the radio right now says it best:

My name is no

My sign is no

My number is no

You need to let it go

[DontBreakEven]

Yeesh.

 

People on here are always quick to point to the negative.

 

I AM giving my new relationship 110%, actually. Just because I responded once to my ex doesn't mean I'm hung up on it.

 

Does it affect me? Of course. It would affect anyone on here, although everyone seems to think they are PERFECTLY stone cold and emotionless when it comes to anything relating to their ex. I mean sh*t, if my ex from 2.5 years ago contacted me suddenly, it would affect me in a way, and I literally want nothing to do with her. It would still illicit some sort of emotion in me.

 

I don't need to tell my new girl that I'm hung up on my ex, because that would be a lie. It would be much more accurate to tell her that my ex has randomly contacted me, and it made me a bit uncomfortable because of everything that she and I went through, so I responded with a couple of words, and that was it.

 

I'm aware that my ex is dysfunctional. Her definition of "love" is completely different than mine (in fact, she and I have actually discussed that before).

 

The reason I don't block exes is because what if he father dies or something catastrophic happens and she decides to tell me, and hears SILENCE back? I'm not saying I'd be running to her side, or anything remotely like that, but that's where I'm thinking blocking is just cruel. That person meant something to me at some point, and we should all still be human and compassionate to an extent. To make it IMPOSSIBLE for her to reach me for whatever reason is just overboard in my opinion. I am strong enough to handle my emotions on the breadcrumbs. But that's not to say it doesn't cause slight emotion. I am human and I have a heart.

[kidm]

Yeesh.

 

People on here are always quick to point to the negative.

 

I AM giving my new relationship 110%, actually. Just because I responded once to my ex doesn't mean I'm hung up on it.

 

Does it affect me? Of course. It would affect anyone on here, although everyone seems to think they are PERFECTLY stone cold and emotionless when it comes to anything relating to their ex. I mean sh*t, if my ex from 2.5 years ago contacted me suddenly, it would affect me in a way, and I literally want nothing to do with her. It would still illicit some sort of emotion in me.

 

I don't need to tell my new girl that I'm hung up on my ex, because that would be a lie. It would be much more accurate to tell her that my ex has randomly contacted me, and it made me a bit uncomfortable because of everything that she and I went through, so I responded with a couple of words, and that was it.

 

I'm aware that my ex is dysfunctional. Her definition of "love" is completely different than mine (in fact, she and I have actually discussed that before).

 

The reason I don't block exes is because what if he father dies or something catastrophic happens and she decides to tell me, and hears SILENCE back? I'm not saying I'd be running to her side, or anything remotely like that, but that's where I'm thinking blocking is just cruel. That person meant something to me at some point, and we should all still be human and compassionate to an extent. To make it IMPOSSIBLE for her to reach me for whatever reason is just overboard in my opinion. I am strong enough to handle my emotions on the breadcrumbs. But that's not to say it doesn't cause slight emotion. I am human and I have a heart.

 

Well based on what you described previously, it sounded like you would want her back if the opportunity presented itself. You admitted you still love her and was hoping she would say something to ease your pain, you decided not to mention you were seeing someone and planned on telling her in a few months (which indicates you are expecting to contact her again). Anyways no one can tell you what to do (or what not to do). It just seems wrong to me that this woman is moving to be closer to give the relationship a shot and you are still pining for an ex. We give our opinions based on the information presented but of course, you know your situation the best. Good luck!

[Zahara]

Anyway, this has really set me back a bit. She has nothing cathartic to say, as always, but I always wish she would. I don't know why it's so hard for me to let go of the love I have for her.

 

Does it affect me? Of course. It would affect anyone on here, although everyone seems to think they are PERFECTLY stone cold and emotionless when it comes to anything relating to their ex. I mean sh*t, if my ex from 2.5 years ago contacted me suddenly, it would affect me in a way, and I literally want nothing to do with her. It would still illicit some sort of emotion in me.

 

Two very different situations that elicit two very different reactions/emotions -- when you still love someone and when you are indifferent to someone.

 

I don't need to tell my new girl that I'm hung up on my ex, because that would be a lie. It would be much more accurate to tell her that my ex has randomly contacted me, and it made me a bit uncomfortable because of everything that she and I went through, so I responded with a couple of words, and that was it.

 

Regardless of whether it's a lie or not to you, if she were reading your post -- I bet she will have a very different perspective of the situation.

 

The reason I don't block exes is because what if he father dies or something catastrophic happens and she decides to tell me, and hears SILENCE back? I'm not saying I'd be running to her side, or anything remotely like that, but that's where I'm thinking blocking is just cruel. That person meant something to me at some point, and we should all still be human and compassionate to an extent. To make it IMPOSSIBLE for her to reach me for whatever reason is just overboard in my opinion. I am strong enough to handle my emotions on the breadcrumbs. But that's not to say it doesn't cause slight emotion. I am human and I have a heart.

 

Removing someone from your life because it's the best way for you to prioritize healing and moving on doesn't make one inhuman. If and when you have moved on and you are at a level of indifference, and if you are able to handle or desire contact, then by all means be a part of that person's life. But if contact comes at the expense of causing you emotional distress, discomfort, at the price of distracting you from focusing 100% on your complete healing and moving forward -- counterproductive.

 

People here are not cold, heartless and cruel. We've all been through pain and have been where you are, probably more times than we care to remember.

 

I don't think there is anything more to add that can help you other than the consensus -- focus on your girlfriend and ignore the ex.

Edited April 21, 2016 by Zahara

[seekingpeaceinlove]

You didn't tell your ex that you're seeing someone new. This person who is moving to your town for you.. Someone who you've been dating for the past 5 months or so...

 

Your ex asked if you had someone new. You had the perfect opportunity to finally close that chapter in your life and give your ex the closure she clearly needs.

 

But no. You didn't because, " I just don't feel like I have that kind of bond with her (new girl) yet because we haven't ever really dated full-time." Right.

 

Your reasoning doesn't make sense. If you really wanted to close the door on your ex you would have lied to her and told her that you had moved on with someone else. You didn't have to lie to her in this instance...you could have told her you were dating someone. The simple truth.

 

I think you may be in denial about your ex. You aren't ready to close the door on her.

[DontBreakEven]

To be honest, I don't know why I didn't tell my ex about the new girl. I felt like it would kill her. I do still love my ex in that I care about her, and I'm sure I always will. I'm not still in love with her. If that makes any difference. I just felt weird telling her I was with someone else. I felt like it was a moot point and made no difference in the situation. Whether I was with someone else or not, I wasn't going to open up real communication again.