Vincenator Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 Some background: Me and my ex-girlfriend got together back in 2014, and we have been together for 18 months before she broke up with me two weeks ago. I always thought we had an amazing relationship - we barely had any fights and we would always be there for each other. Her mom even started encouraging our relationship after seeing how much I cared and supported her through everything,especially schoolwork. We were also each other's first loves/bf/gf. But things started to change after we both went off to different colleges this school year. We started seeing each other a lot less and it sometimes started to feel like she would make excuses for us to not meet. When we did, it didn't feel our relationship was dying, and in fact, I felt like it revived the fire in our relationship. Despite this, it still felt like she was avoiding up meeting up. Fast forward to winter break, she started talking about how she sometimes wanted to be free and single again. I ended up doing all the common mistakes and begging her to stay and give us another chance and she broke up. However, she came back the next day and me not having learned anything, I just took her right back. Of course nothing changed, and she broke up again in the next few days, saying that she no longer had any interest in me, and there probably wouldn't be any feelings for me in the future either. Again, she came back the next day, and me still not having learned anything, took her right back. For the third and final time, she broke up with me and said the same thing again: how she lost interest in the relationship because of how little we see each other, and that there probably wouldn't be any chance in the future. She also said that she's probably done dating while in school. I'm still not sure how serious she was about this because I can tell that our relationship really strained her schoolwork and family (her dad doesn't want her to be in a relationship in school, and me and her's relationship was basically hidden from him this whole time), but at the same time, there's no way for me to know 100% for sure that she hasn't been hiding another guy. After knowing her for so long, I really doubt that she has actually been hiding a secret guy because she has always been the quiet, shy but loyal type. After that third final breakup, I still committed the mistakes of begging. However, I eventually realized that it wouldn't work and only no contact would work. So, I sent her one final message about how I'm sorry for acting the way I did and that I learned a lot etc, and I went straight into no contact. So far, I'm one and a half week into it, and I definitely feel a lot better, but I still get painful moments. I've realized that I made many mistakes in this relationship that probably drove her away from me. For one, I think that I spent way too much time in this relationship and letting it become my identity, as in I barely did anything in my life outside of this relationship. After this breakup, I've started hanging out with old friends and my family, as well as going to the gym for the first time in my life. I've also decided to just erase what my past was to change myself and only look forward to the future, and followed some online advice of getting new clothes, new haircut, making new friends etc. But deep down, I'm still so confused. Part of me feels like I still want her, but it would be impossible under current circumstances (unless she changes), while another part of me says that I need to just move on and leave it up to fate to decide if me and her ever cross paths again. Another part of me wants me to just cut her out of my life from now on, while another part still feels like I want her in my life and to still help her out cause I still care about her. But I feel like if I still kept her in my life, it would only set myself up for more pain. I'm hoping that no contact helps me figure out where my feelings are, but I don't know how long I should wait. I still want her to be successful in school and everything and I want to help her, but if I found out I had been replaced by someone else, that would devastate me (and probably be what I need to convince myself that I need to cut her out of my life). Our last conversation basically ended with her saying she hopes we can still be friends (she said this after every breakup, and kept insisting it even after the third breakup), and me replying that I need to think about it. On one hand, we were such huge parts in each other's lives that I think I still want her in my life even after breakup (but of course I need some no contact time first to get over her), while another part of me feels like I will never get over her since she was my first love. She hasn't messaged me since no contact started probably because she is expecting me to be the one to break it, since I was the one to say that I need to think about the possibility of friendship and that I'll tell her once I figure it out. I'm really not sure what to do... I really feel like we brought out the best in each other. When we first met, she really brought out a part of me that I never knew existed. She made me a more confident and approachable person, while I feel like I helped her become a better student and person.
DarkHorizon Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 I'm sorry for what you've been through. She left you not just once, but several times. Honestly, you need a lot of time - months or maybe years - to even consider becoming friends or having her in any capacity in your life. Do you think you could be friends? Ask yourself this question: Can I still be her friend when she starts dating another guy? Will she still be friends when I start dating another woman? There you go; you have your answer. For now, you need to just protect yourself. You've been hurt enough. Go full NC, and if one day she decides to come back, you probably will be in such a different mental space that you will see that she might not have to be part of your life in any capacity, ever again. 1
Author Vincenator Posted January 21, 2016 Author Posted January 21, 2016 (edited) I'm sorry for what you've been through. She left you not just once, but several times. Honestly, you need a lot of time - months or maybe years - to even consider becoming friends or having her in any capacity in your life. Do you think you could be friends? Ask yourself this question: Can I still be her friend when she starts dating another guy? Will she still be friends when I start dating another woman? There you go; you have your answer. For now, you need to just protect yourself. You've been hurt enough. Go full NC, and if one day she decides to come back, you probably will be in such a different mental space that you will see that she might not have to be part of your life in any capacity, ever again. Thanks, and yeah I feel like it would take a while of no contact for me to get myself together too. I'm just not sure how long that would take me. At the same time though, I just want to answer her question about being friends, then head back into no contact so that it won't have to be me to bring back up contact later on in the future. I'm not sure if she will ever contact me again after I told her that I need to think about being friends first and that I'll tell her once I've figured it out. Edited January 21, 2016 by Vincenator 2
Satu Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 Remaining attached to an ex that doesn't want to be with you, is like being attached to an old lottery ticket that didn't win you anything. The post breakup phase is horrible, but life goes on. You'll get over it, and you'll move on from the painful place to somewhere better. Life insists that it be so. Take care. 1
Marco Valerio Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 I'm sorry for what you've been through. She left you not just once, but several times. Honestly, you need a lot of time - months or maybe years - to even consider becoming friends or having her in any capacity in your life. Do you think you could be friends? Ask yourself this question: Can I still be her friend when she starts dating another guy? Will she still be friends when I start dating another woman? There you go; you have your answer. For now, you need to just protect yourself. You've been hurt enough. Go full NC, and if one day she decides to come back, you probably will be in such a different mental space that you will see that she might not have to be part of your life in any capacity, ever again. I agree with DarkHorizon and Satu. You need to go NC for at least 6 months before considering any possibility. But you need to go completely NC. 2
DarkHorizon Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 At the same time though, I just want to answer her question about being friends No Contact is the best answer you can possibly give. Total silence. After a while, she will get it. Otherwise, there will always be that "one last thing", or "one more thing". 1
Author Vincenator Posted January 21, 2016 Author Posted January 21, 2016 Thanks for all the replies. And yeah, I think what you all said is right... for now I should just worry about myself lol and if there is ever a future with me and her again, we would have to be two very different people and only time will let that happen 2
mightycpa Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 (edited) Don't worry about what the future holds now. What you need to do is to become comfortable with not having her in your life. Once you are, then, if you remember to do it, you might revisit the topic of an acquaintanceship with her. Don't kid yourself, you'll never be real friends. Maybe FB friends. On the topic of your mistakes, try to view seeing them as an opportunity to change whatever it is you don't like about yourself. Know that while you probably did make mistakes, in the end, that wasn't what broke you up. Lots of relationships survive mistakes. It's a lot harder to survive the new thousands of horny people at college that you live right next door to in a party atmosphere. And as you said, start to see yourself as "me" again, and get rid of "us". Do some things at school that you can take pride in... whether that's grades or sports or activities. Do something that makes you feel good about yourself, to change the destructive narrative that a breakup can produce. You'll know that is working when you can describe yourself with more positive adjectives than negative ones. Good luck! Edited January 21, 2016 by mightycpa 3
tobrieornottobrie Posted January 26, 2016 Posted January 26, 2016 I'm sorry for what you're going through, that's really tough. I'll just echo what others have suggested, find other things to occupy your time. Get involved in your schoolwork, find an extracurricular activity, go to the gym, read a book... Take some time to do the things that you really enjoy. Wishing you the best! 1
Brando Posted January 26, 2016 Posted January 26, 2016 thoughts of the past = depression thoughts of the future = anxiety Accept reality, live in the moment. Time to be the best you, you can be!!!!!! Like everyone said 100% NC! Disappear off the face of the earth. Remove all reminders (so important for social media). Move on my friend. Use the pain as motivation. Like everyone else...you will get better and you will grow from this. Be kind to yourself. Accept the grieving process. Post on here... 2
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