Author One_Made_of_Silver Posted January 22, 2016 Author Posted January 22, 2016 Yes you are grasping at straws...... The girl has a heart, she's NOT gonna just block you. If you continue on with all your texting and frankly groveling, she might though....and probably will. Look she doesn't want to completely destroy you, she is trying to let you down easy. She probably loved you at one point in time, and may even still care to some degree.... but as we have all been saying, given her behavior AND everything she has actually said to you.... she is done and moving on. And as a woman, when we say "maybe" to a guy, we mean "no," .... hoping he will get the message. I did this when I was younger ...but as I have gotten older, I have learned to just say NO, very directly....so he gets it. But many women (younger) are not there yet with that type of directness.. It's HARD rejecting someone so harshly and directly like that .....even when they've hurt us. So we say "maybe" -- again hoping he'll eventually figure it out. Speaking from experience. That definitely happens, but she doesn't strike me as someone who would beat around the bush about anything. She's very confident and direct and has never had any problem speaking her mind. The first time I asked her out, she actually told me I was too old for her.
Author One_Made_of_Silver Posted January 22, 2016 Author Posted January 22, 2016 Whenever anyone tells me they need space, I become NASA. They can contact Houston when they figure out, get over, process, etc., whatever their problem was . . . and are ready to talk. I feel like that puts all the onus on her, like what happened is her fault. I'm the one who screwed up, so I'm the one who has to make the effort if I want any chance of winning her back. 2
Satu Posted January 22, 2016 Posted January 22, 2016 I feel like that puts all the onus on her, like what happened is her fault. I'm the one who screwed up, so I'm the one who has to make the effort if I want any chance of winning her back. If you want to make an effort, make an effort to respect her wishes, and do not pester her any more. You super-needy behaviour will just push her further away. 2
Redhead14 Posted January 22, 2016 Posted January 22, 2016 I feel like that puts all the onus on her, like what happened is her fault. I'm the one who screwed up, so I'm the one who has to make the effort if I want any chance of winning her back. Yeah, you did screw up, however, she needs to deal with it her way . . . the more you push this, the more you will push her away. You've apologized and accepted your responsibility in this and now she needs to process and decide for herself if she can leave it in the past and continue with you or whether or not this was a deal breaker. You didn't pull away from her and create space -- she asked you for space. Give it to her. Effort does not equate to chasing her into a corner. This was a big deal. It hurts and takes time. If you keep it in her face constantly, she can't step back, focus and heal. Each time you "pick at it", the wound opens again. 1
katiegrl Posted January 22, 2016 Posted January 22, 2016 That definitely happens, but she doesn't strike me as someone who would beat around the bush about anything. She's very confident and direct and has never had any problem speaking her mind. The first time I asked her out, she actually told me I was too old for her. Okay ...I know it's sometimes difficult to follow my thought process....but based on this ^^ this is now what I suggest. Go no contact for 2- 3 weeks, give her space to think about you and to miss you. Touch base after that .....and see how it plays out then. But going no contact till then is crucial, cuz it will give her time to miss you. If when you touch base in two weeks, she still gives you a *maybe* .....then walk. Good luck and if you feel inclined, let us know what happens! 2
sandylee1 Posted January 22, 2016 Posted January 22, 2016 A slightly different take...I've heard BWs say is that even though they've told the WH to back off and give him the cold shoulder ..... they are upset he isn't begging for forgiveness. They want to know he is prepared to go all out. I agree that the OP should give her about 3 weeks before any further contact. One of the BWs reconciled after her husband had slept with over 200 prostitutes....so this isn't an impossible situation. It's not over till the fat lady sings. 1
preraph Posted January 22, 2016 Posted January 22, 2016 I think if someone asks you for space that it doesn't matter at all why they are asking you for space. You stop contacting them. If they are really feeling smothered, then obviously, they really want space and not contact and it's probably not going to work out. If they really are playing games, then unless you want to keep having your chain yanked for years to come, when they say they want space, you give it to them and don't contact them so they know THAT won't work. You cannot be faulted for doing what someone asks (giving space) because that is you respecting them. 1
introverted1 Posted January 22, 2016 Posted January 22, 2016 This is an update on the unfortunate situation I posted on last week. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/565790-had-fight-she-wants-space I've re-established communication with her after a week of nc. She's still reluctant to take me back, but at least she's not ignoring me: Me: Hey, I was thinking about you today, baby. How's your class going? Her: It's keeping me busy. Me: Well, I hope you aren't too overloaded. I think that class was the hardest one I took when I was a student. Do you think I can come see you soon? I miss you. Her: Thanks. I don't think really see us hanging out in the near future. Me: Because of what happened? Her: Yes. You made me feel like crap. Me: I'd feel the same way were I in your shoes. I don't know why I said what I did. All I can say is I can't be perfect all the time. Let me talk to you once in person, and if you still feel uneasy, I'll leave you alone for good. Her: Maybe in a week or two. Me: I've seen couples forgive each other for worse things. Remember how much fun we had. Like how you taught me to play Yahtzee. Or how I kissed you goodbye before I left for work. I don't want those moments to disappear over one mistake. What's your interpretation of this conversation? Obviously, she's still very upset. But at least she's talking to me again. I like her, and I'm making an effort to patch things up with her. What to do? The bit bolded above is what would bother me -- you show no insight into understanding why you acted as you did, which would signal to me that you could easily act the same way again. Regardless the outcome with this girl, you should probably spend some time thinking about why you lashed out as you did. Of course none of us are perfect, but that's not an answer to why you said what you did to her and trivializing it in this way is likely not going to change her mind, no matter how often you apologise. 4
Author One_Made_of_Silver Posted January 22, 2016 Author Posted January 22, 2016 (edited) The bit bolded above is what would bother me -- you show no insight into understanding why you acted as you did, which would signal to me that you could easily act the same way again. I think when someone is scared, they do things that in their rational mind they otherwise wouldn't do. That's what happened. I should have controlled my emotions better. I felt pretty embarrassed about it later. But I don't want to make excuses to her. Edited January 22, 2016 by One_Made_of_Silver
introverted1 Posted January 22, 2016 Posted January 22, 2016 I think when someone is scared, they do things that in their rational mind they otherwise wouldn't do. That's what happened. I should have controlled my emotions better. I felt pretty embarrassed about it later. But I don't want to make excuses to her. I know you've been beaten up here a bit, and I don't want to add to that. But at the same time, I do want to encourage you to think about this more deeply. One of the things that would concern me (I am using me as the example and not your gf since I have no idea how she thinks) is why you went to that particular place when you were scared. What would worry me is that the fear brought to the surface that which you already believed -- the fear caused you to say it, but you'd already been thinking it. This is what would be difficult for me to get over -- the feeling that you thought less of me because of the number of sexual partners I'd had. that usually you are able to hide your distaste but that it bubbled over in that moment of fear/anxiety/anger/whatever. I can think of few things that would bother me more than thinking that my bf thought I was dirty or promiscuous. Unfortunately, that's exactly what your line of questioning likely made her feel. Why do you feel threatened by the number of partners your gf has had? Has this manifested itself in other ways/conversations in your R? 1
Author One_Made_of_Silver Posted January 22, 2016 Author Posted January 22, 2016 I know you've been beaten up here a bit, and I don't want to add to that. But at the same time, I do want to encourage you to think about this more deeply. One of the things that would concern me (I am using me as the example and not your gf since I have no idea how she thinks) is why you went to that particular place when you were scared. What would worry me is that the fear brought to the surface that which you already believed -- the fear caused you to say it, but you'd already been thinking it. This is what would be difficult for me to get over -- the feeling that you thought less of me because of the number of sexual partners I'd had. that usually you are able to hide your distaste but that it bubbled over in that moment of fear/anxiety/anger/whatever. I can think of few things that would bother me more than thinking that my bf thought I was dirty or promiscuous. Unfortunately, that's exactly what your line of questioning likely made her feel. Why do you feel threatened by the number of partners your gf has had? Has this manifested itself in other ways/conversations in your R? It's probably a consequence of the fact that we had unprotected sex very soon after we met each other. That night we had sex, she was asking me about how many girls I had been with. It's not necessarily that I think less of her. It's just that we literally had sex before we got to know each other really well.
Redhead14 Posted January 22, 2016 Posted January 22, 2016 I know you've been beaten up here a bit, and I don't want to add to that. But at the same time, I do want to encourage you to think about this more deeply. One of the things that would concern me (I am using me as the example and not your gf since I have no idea how she thinks) is why you went to that particular place when you were scared. What would worry me is that the fear brought to the surface that which you already believed -- the fear caused you to say it, but you'd already been thinking it. This is what would be difficult for me to get over -- the feeling that you thought less of me because of the number of sexual partners I'd had. that usually you are able to hide your distaste but that it bubbled over in that moment of fear/anxiety/anger/whatever. I can think of few things that would bother me more than thinking that my bf thought I was dirty or promiscuous. Unfortunately, that's exactly what your line of questioning likely made her feel. Why do you feel threatened by the number of partners your gf has had? Has this manifested itself in other ways/conversations in your R? Yes, it would be about what was going on subsconsciously or in his unspoken words that would bother me the most as well. Realizing or thinking that he had been thinking poorly of me at various times and judging, etc. The fact that his automatic reaction was to project blame on her would be disheartening to say the least. And, how many previous partners had he had and why couldn't it be that he brought "something" with him . . . That being said, there is a little cause for concern. Some "diseases" lie dormant or the person is symptom free for quite some time and he/she may not have known they were a "carrier". Thus, the wisdom of being tested before becoming intimate with new partners comes into play. 1
Author One_Made_of_Silver Posted January 23, 2016 Author Posted January 23, 2016 So, a weird development: She just called me at 2am. I called back and asked if she's okay. She sounded emotional. I asked if she's in some kind of trouble. She said no and said that she should go to bed and that I should go to bed and we'll talk tomorrow. Then she hung up.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 23, 2016 Posted January 23, 2016 So, a weird development: She just called me at 2am. I called back and asked if she's okay. She sounded emotional. I asked if she's in some kind of trouble. She said no and said that she should go to bed and that I should go to bed and we'll talk tomorrow. Then she hung up. Could she have been drinking? The time and her emotions make me wonder if she was a bit under the influence. In any case, continue giving her space. She's clearly still hurting and needs time to process her own feelings. 1
Author One_Made_of_Silver Posted January 23, 2016 Author Posted January 23, 2016 Could she have been drinking? The time and her emotions make me wonder if she was a bit under the influence. The thought had crossed my mind. She called and texted me. She sounded like she wanted to say something and then changed her mind.
dobielover Posted January 23, 2016 Posted January 23, 2016 So, a weird development: She just called me at 2am. I called back and asked if she's okay. She sounded emotional. I asked if she's in some kind of trouble. She said no and said that she should go to bed and that I should go to bed and we'll talk tomorrow. Then she hung up. Sounds like she was drunk and emotional. 1
Author One_Made_of_Silver Posted January 23, 2016 Author Posted January 23, 2016 A phone call at that time of night is pretty scary. You don't know if someone has died, or been in a car accident, or is in jail, or what.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 23, 2016 Posted January 23, 2016 A phone call at that time of night is pretty scary. You don't know if someone has died, or been in a car accident, or is in jail, or what. True, but that obviously wasn't the case here. I think her emotions got the best of her. That's all.
dobielover Posted January 23, 2016 Posted January 23, 2016 A phone call at that time of night is pretty scary. You don't know if someone has died, or been in a car accident, or is in jail, or what. True, but I usually assume - especially on the weekend - that they're drunk, or it's a DUI jail call. 2
kendahke Posted January 23, 2016 Posted January 23, 2016 So, a weird development: She just called me at 2am. I called back and asked if she's okay. She sounded emotional. I asked if she's in some kind of trouble. She said no and said that she should go to bed and that I should go to bed and we'll talk tomorrow. Then she hung up. she probably thought she would talk to you about what you called her, but then decided "what's the point" and got off the phone. Chances are, she'd been discussing what happened with friends and was in an emotional state because of that. You never did answer my question from my earlier post: is she a bald faced liar and does she lie often about things? Since she told you she wasn't the one who brought the incident to the relationship, what was it about her than made you leap to the conclusion that she was a liar?
Author One_Made_of_Silver Posted January 23, 2016 Author Posted January 23, 2016 she probably thought she would talk to you about what you called her, but then decided "what's the point" and got off the phone. Chances are, she'd been discussing what happened with friends and was in an emotional state because of that. You never did answer my question from my earlier post: is she a bald faced liar and does she lie often about things? Since she told you she wasn't the one who brought the incident to the relationship, what was it about her than made you leap to the conclusion that she was a liar? I never suggested she was a liar about anything. She has admitted to having unprotected sex with a number of guys before me, and I was asking her about the details of that because I thought I had something. I was too aggressive in the questioning. I was too confrontational. I never once called her a slut but she might've interpreted it that way. That's what this whole thing is about.
Author One_Made_of_Silver Posted January 23, 2016 Author Posted January 23, 2016 And let's not forget that this happened just a few months before I met her: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/551299-she-has-herpes So this whole issue of std's was fresh on my mind.
BlueIris Posted January 23, 2016 Posted January 23, 2016 And let's not forget that this happened just a few months before I met her: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/551299-she-has-herpes So this whole issue of std's was fresh on my mind. I'm confused now. You’re having unprotected sex with someone with herpes? 1
Author One_Made_of_Silver Posted January 23, 2016 Author Posted January 23, 2016 (edited) I'm confused now. You’re having unprotected sex with someone with herpes? NO. Several months ago, I started dating a girl who told me just before we were about to get intimate that she had herpes, which was a deal breaker. I posted a thread about that in October. I never had sex with her, but for a little while it made me paranoid about std's. Fast forward to January, and I have been having unprotected sex with the girlfriend Ive been referencing in this thread. As the story goes, exactly one week after we first had unprotected sex, I came down with what I thought were symptoms of chlamydia, so I confronted my gf about her sexual history. I'm saying it's possible the herpes incident was playing out in the back of my mind, which made me act out with this current girl I've been talking about in this thread. Maybe. I don't want to make excuses. Edited January 23, 2016 by One_Made_of_Silver
Satu Posted January 23, 2016 Posted January 23, 2016 snip I'm saying it's possible the herpes incident was playing out in the back of my mind with this current girl I've been talking about in this thread. That is almost certainly the case. The conscious mind floats on top of the 'preconscious' and 'subconscious' minds, and they play a huge part in our existence. Well done for drawing the connection between what you did and why you did it.
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