UPDATE: Had fight and she wanted space

[dobielover]

You've still got an "in," IMO. But after what caused the fight and what you said, you're going to have to demonstrate changes in yourself, not just a lot of apologizing.

[smackie9]

dude we already told you, you burned that bridge to forgiveness.

[kendahke]

 

What's your interpretation of this conversation? Obviously, she's still very upset. But at least she's talking to me again. I like her, and I'm making an effort to patch things up with her. What to do?

 

My interpretation of the conversation is exactly what I said in your last thread about it:

Where you chose to take this is a place that is extremely hard for someone to return from when they are innocent of what you've accused them. That isn't an "I'll just go walk it off" kind of thing. You assassinated her character saying what you did and she can't just "unhear" that or get the visual out of her mind of you saying it to her face.

 

I'm sorry, but my impression was that she's checked out. Her talking to you really is meaningless

 

Don't expect for her to resume your relationship.

[Jejangles]

I grew up with a father who verbally abused me when he was angry and all I can say is it kills trust. When someone you love, and who is supposed to love you, turns on you and says horrible things, it breaks something inside.

 

You need to give her more time. Don't ask her to recall the good times or try to gloss over it. You have apologised, and now it is up to her whether she accepts that apology. But you need to know you have harmed her trust now - so if she decides to give you another chance, you will have to work hard to build up what you just broke. She has seen a side to you that she didn't like - only she can decide whether to continue forward or not.

 

In the meantime, you need to do some introspection. Why was your response to a stressful situation to turn on someone you supposedly care for? Do you not trust your girlfriend to be truthful with you? And if not, why not?

[katiegrl]

Me: Well, I hope you aren't too overloaded. I think that class was the hardest one I took when I was a student. Do you think I can come see you soon? I miss you.

 

Her: Thanks. I don't think really see us hanging out in the near future.

Me: Because of what happened?

 

Her: Yes. You made me feel like crap.

 

Me: I'd feel the same way were I in your shoes. I don't know why I said what I did. All I can say is I can't be perfect all the time. Let me talk to you once in person, and if you still feel uneasy, I'll leave you alone for good.

 

Her: Maybe in a week or two.

 

Me: I've seen couples forgive each other for worse things. Remember how much fun we had. Like how you taught me to play Yahtzee. Or how I kissed you goodbye before I left for work. I don't want those moments to disappear over one mistake.

 

What's your interpretation of this conversation? Obviously, she's still very upset. But at least she's talking to me again. I like her, and I'm making an effort to patch things up with her. What to do?

 

Dude, sorry but given the bolded....she's done.

 

And it sounds like you're groveling -- don't do that. It won't score you any points....that's for darn sure.

 

Your communique (on your part) was almost cringe-worthy.

 

Please let it go and try to move on.

 

This ship has sailed....

 

Again, sorry.

[ExpatInItaly]

I grew up with a father who verbally abused me when he was angry and all I can say is it kills trust. When someone you love, and who is supposed to love you, turns on you and says horrible things, it breaks something inside.

 

You need to give her more time. Don't ask her to recall the good times or try to gloss over it. You have apologised, and now it is up to her whether she accepts that apology. But you need to know you have harmed her trust now - so if she decides to give you another chance, you will have to work hard to build up what you just broke. She has seen a side to you that she didn't like - only she can decide whether to continue forward or not.

 

In the meantime, you need to do some introspection. Why was your response to a stressful situation to turn on someone you supposedly care for? Do you not trust your girlfriend to be truthful with you? And if not, why not?

 

 

This. x 100.

 

OP, I have an ex-boyfriend who was verbally abusive. I can tell you it dramatically changed the way I looked at him. I strongly advise you to follow the bolded parts above in particular. What led you to this place?

 

Beyond that, there's not much to interpret from your conversation. She doesn't want to see you for a while and she's still very hurt. Leave her alone for a bit. She will get in touch if she is open to talking.

Edited January 21, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix quote

[Satu]

*What to do?

 

*Get up off your knees and stop grovelling.

 

Just reading that conversation made me cringe.

 

If she wanted to be with you, she'd be with you. She doesn't, so she isn't.

 

If you can learn something from this episode, it's not entirely wasted.

 

So try to learn from it.

 

 

Take care.

[Satu]

Harsh and offensive speech ends more relationships than kicks and punches do.

 

Words can wound.

[Gaeta]

You told us about this one incident with her.

 

I doubt if you were always a gentleman before you suddenly transformed into a monster for that one incident.

 

I think it's not the only time you've put her through some abusive language and unjustified accusations.

 

To me she sounds like a woman that had accumulated enough and said that's it I'm done.

[Satu]

You told us about this one incident with her.

 

I doubt if you were always a gentleman before you suddenly transformed into a monster for that one incident.

 

I think it's not the only time you've put her through some abusive language and unjustified accusations.

 

*To me she sounds like a woman that had accumulated enough and said that's it I'm done.

 

 

*There's no way back when that point has been reached.

[One_Made_of_Silver]

You told us about this one incident with her.

 

I doubt if you were always a gentleman before you suddenly transformed into a monster for that one incident.

 

I think it's not the only time you've put her through some abusive language and unjustified accusations.

 

To me she sounds like a woman that had accumulated enough and said that's it I'm done.

 

No offense, but you don't know me. I have no reason to lie on an anonymous forum. I am telling the truth when I say this is the only negative thing that has happened between us.

 

Much of this advice seems geared toward attacking me and making me feel worse about something I already feel terrible about and have admitted my guilt over. I didn't know that no one on these forums has ever done anything wrong in their relationships or done things they regret. I really do love this girl. She wasn't just my GF, she was my friend.

Edited January 22, 2016 by One_Made_of_Silver

[sandylee1]

No offense, but you don't know me. I have no reason to lie on an anonymous forum. I am telling the truth when I say this is the only negative thing that has happened between us.

 

Much of this advice seems geared toward attacking me and making me feel worse about something I already feel terrible about and have admitted my guilt over. I didn't know that no one on these forums has ever done anything wrong in their relationships or done things they regret. I really do love this girl. She wasn't just my GF, she was my friend.

 

You have been attacked a bit.

 

Just sit back and leave it with her. She knows you're sorry and if she wants the relationship she'll let you know. Sounds like she has exams though and is keeping herself busy.

 

Sometimes in life you can't change what's done. ..All you can do is learn from it.

[thecrucible]

Before you accuse someone of something, be absolutely sure you are correct. When you all but accused her of giving you an STD, all you did was make yourself out to be a jerk. When you have symptoms, you see a doctor. Don't accuse anyone of anything until you have a positive test and a prescription to show them.

 

I agree. I know this from experience. I once had thrush which I believe my ex had given me (as he was the only who could have done) and then he had it too and accused me of having an STI. I found it offensive because he was speaking a load of rubbish but also assuming that I was at fault. It's really naive to think more sexual partners therefore must be more likely to get an STI. The last I got tested, I was totally clear and I have never had an STI in my life. To make matters worse, this ex of mine then told me he went and got tested anyway so the idiot didn't take my word for it.

 

Anyway OP, I agree with what enigma said and I think this is a case of "think before you speak". The best thing you can do is make a sincere apology to her, acknowledging what went wrong and in person (this is always best).

 

Also OP, don't take it too much to heart what people say on here but definitely take something from this thread to think about. No I don't think you are an evil person but I can certainly relate to your gf's feelings based on what I experienced.

[One_Made_of_Silver]

You have been attacked a bit.

 

Just sit back and leave it with her. She knows you're sorry and if she wants the relationship she'll let you know.

 

If I do that, she will never contact me. That's why I reached out to her again. A week ago she wasn't even talking to me.

[Satu]

There's a rather antiquated, but pleasing term, which fits the picture:

 

"Incontinent speech."

 

That is speech which is not considered, and not subject to forethought.

 

Those who think before they speak, do better in life than those who don't.

 

The earlier in life one grasps that fact, the better.

 

 

"In order to overcome my tendency to incontinent speech, I applied myself to the task of learning to be quiet."

 

 

Take care.

Edited January 22, 2016 by Satu

[One_Made_of_Silver]

This is an update on the unfortunate situation I posted on last week.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/565790-had-fight-she-wants-space

 

I've re-established communication with her after a week of nc. She's still reluctant to take me back, but at least she's not ignoring me:

 

Me: Hey, I was thinking about you today, baby. How's your class going?

 

Her: It's keeping me busy.

 

Me: Well, I hope you aren't too overloaded. I think that class was the hardest one I took when I was a student. Do you think I can come see you soon? I miss you.

 

Her: Thanks. I don't think really see us hanging out in the near future.

 

Me: Because of what happened?

 

Her: Yes. You made me feel like crap.

 

Me: I'd feel the same way were I in your shoes. I don't know why I said what I did. All I can say is I can't be perfect all the time. Let me talk to you once in person, and if you still feel uneasy, I'll leave you alone for good.

 

Her: Maybe in a week or two.

 

Me: I've seen couples forgive each other for worse things. Remember how much fun we had. Like how you taught me to play Yahtzee. Or how I kissed you goodbye before I left for work. I don't want those moments to disappear over one mistake.

 

What's your interpretation of this conversation? Obviously, she's still very upset. But at least she's talking to me again. I like her, and I'm making an effort to patch things up with her. What to do?

 

Does no one think anything of this bolded part here? Maybe I am grasping at straws but I feel like if she weren't even considering patching things up, she would have just used the block feature on her phone instead of replying to me.

Edited January 22, 2016 by One_Made_of_Silver

[Satu]

Does no one think anything of this bolded part here?

 

I wouldn't make the mistake of interpreting that "maybe" as a "yes," if I were you. Just let it mean "maybe."

[katiegrl]

If I do that, she will never contact me. That's why I reached out to her again. A week ago she wasn't even talking to me.

 

So what does that tell ya? It should tell ya that she doesn't wish to continue the RL. But you refuse to acknowledge that.

 

OMoS... no matter how hard you try, you cannot force her to be with you. I'm sorry.

 

Your continued texts and calls will only serve to eventually annoy her (and I hate to sound harsh, but even repulse her).... trust me I am a woman and I know this.

 

When we're done with a RL --- we're done. It may take a lot before we get to that point, but once we're there (as she is).... it's OVER.

 

Just because she's actually speaking to you now, that does not mean she wants to reconcile. She told you that.

 

It only means she is starting to get over the anger....but whatever romantic feelings she had for you prior to this have died.

 

That's what happens sometimes.... a really bad mistake such as the one you made can do that. We completely shut down, shut off, turn off -- and we're done.

 

I am so sorry... I know it's difficult but as another poster said earlier (cannot remember who, perhaps enigma?)... all you can do is learn from this and take what you've learned into your next RL.... so that this never happens again.

 

Stop texting her. Stop calling her. Stop reminding her of all the wonderful times you had together. It makes you look weak.... and that is NEVER good.

 

You said you were sorry... many times in fact, that is ALL you can do. The ball is now in HER court.

 

Go no contact and IF she wants to speak to you or see you, she knows where to find you.

[katiegrl]

Does no one think anything of this bolded part here? Maybe I am grasping at straws but I feel like if she weren't even considering patching things up, she would have just used the block feature on her phone instead of replying to me.

 

Yes you are grasping at straws......

 

The girl has a heart, she's NOT gonna just block you. If you continue on with all your texting and frankly groveling, she might though....and probably will.

 

Look she doesn't want to completely destroy you, she is trying to let you down easy. She probably loved you at one point in time, and may even still care to some degree.... but as we have all been saying, given her behavior AND everything she has actually said to you.... she is done and moving on.

 

And as a woman, when we say "maybe" to a guy, we mean "no," .... hoping he will get the message.

 

I did this when I was younger ...but as I have gotten older, I have learned to just say NO, very directly....so he gets it.

 

But many women (younger) are not there yet with that type of directness.. It's HARD rejecting someone so harshly and directly like that .....even when they've hurt us. So we say "maybe" -- again hoping he'll eventually figure it out.

 

Speaking from experience.

Edited January 22, 2016 by katiegrl

[ExpatInItaly]

Does no one think anything of this bolded part here? Maybe I am grasping at straws but I feel like if she weren't even considering patching things up, she would have just used the block feature on her phone instead of replying to me.

 

Honestly, not really.

 

It means exactly what she said - maybe. She is probably having a lot of trouble reconciling your nasty comments with who she thought you were. Speaking from experience, I found it difficult to believe that horrible things could spill from my ex-boyfriend's mouth too. I needed time to process and get past the hurt.

 

I don't see a reason why she would block you. She just doesn't want to see or speak to you right now. Leave it in her court. Believe me when I say that she will contact you if she wants to try to move past this.

[sandylee1]

Does no one think anything of this bolded part here? Maybe I am grasping at straws but I feel like if she weren't even considering patching things up, she would have just used the block feature on her phone instead of replying to me.

 

I guess she could have said it's never gonna happen. So either she's really busy with exams and just wants to get through that or it's possible she may reconsider.

 

Although I wouldn't have said what you did about people going through worse..it is true. People actually stay with the BF who cheated and who got another girl pregnant and who really did give them an Std. So you were correct in what you said.....but she may not be one of those who will forgive. She may forgive...but decide she can't reconcile with you.

 

Remember she's just 21... at that age I also had a BF 7 years older than me ..... Ioved him very much and if he'd accused me of this... I would have been devastated and very hurt ...... but I probably would have forgiven him and give him a second chance after a sincere apology and a lot of grovelling...but that's just ME.

[oberkeat]

You've still got an "in," IMO. But after what caused the fight and what you said, you're going to have to demonstrate changes in yourself, not just a lot of apologizing.

 

I agree. You can see where's she's at in two weeks like she said, but don't put all your eggs in one basket.

[Gaeta]

No offense, but you don't know me. I have no reason to lie on an anonymous forum. I am telling the truth when I say this is the only negative thing that has happened between us.

 

Much of this advice seems geared toward attacking me and making me feel worse about something I already feel terrible about and have admitted my guilt over. I didn't know that no one on these forums has ever done anything wrong in their relationships or done things they regret. I really do love this girl. She wasn't just my GF, she was my friend.

 

You're right, I don't know you but I know enough about life at my old age now. I am not saying you are lying, I am suggesting that if you look at your relationship together it was probably not the first time she felt accused or put down and this without you knowing it. This time you know she is hurt because she told you. Maybe those previous times you said something hurtful she just swallowed it so you were not aware sometimes you say hurtful thing.

 

How long have you been dating? If a man I dated shortly told me something like this I would not come back to him. There are some behavior you just don't forgive at the beginning because if you do you are opening the door for it to happen again and again.

 

Finally yes words can break relationships and some words should never be forgiven. If she doesn't come back you have to put this in your bag of lessons learn.

[Redhead14]

Whenever anyone tells me they need space, I become NASA. They can contact Houston when they figure out, get over, process, etc., whatever their problem was . . . and are ready to talk.

[BlueIris]

This is an update on the unfortunate situation I posted on last week.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/565790-had-fight-she-wants-space

 

I've re-established communication with her after a week of nc. She's still reluctant to take me back, but at least she's not ignoring me:

 

Me: Hey, I was thinking about you today, baby. How's your class going?

 

Her: It's keeping me busy.

 

Me: Well, I hope you aren't too overloaded. I think that class was the hardest one I took when I was a student. Do you think I can come see you soon? I miss you.

 

Her: Thanks. I don't think really see us hanging out in the near future.

 

Me: Because of what happened?

 

Her: Yes. You made me feel like crap.

 

Me: I'd feel the same way were I in your shoes. I don't know why I said what I did. All I can say is I can't be perfect all the time. Let me talk to you once in person, and if you still feel uneasy, I'll leave you alone for good.

 

Her: Maybe in a week or two.

 

Me: I've seen couples forgive each other for worse things. Remember how much fun we had. Like how you taught me to play Yahtzee. Or how I kissed you goodbye before I left for work. I don't want those moments to disappear over one mistake.

 

What's your interpretation of this conversation? Obviously, she's still very upset. But at least she's talking to me again. I like her, and I'm making an effort to patch things up with her. What to do?

 

Your conversation made things worse. You pretended you didn’t know why she didn’t want to see you, minimized the importance of what you had said and done, and focused on getting her to do what you want.

 

You didn't even say you were sorry or ask her about her feelings. Instead you attempted to get her to care about your feelings, what you want, while showing no concern for her. You didn’t even say you were sorry. I don’t see groveling at all. I see minimizing and pretending.

 

If you see this as an attack, you're being defensive. Look at your words. Imagine yourself hearing them from her if she had gone on the attack against you. The only thing you said that indicated any caring about her was that you would have felt the same way, but unfortunately you immediately shifted into excuse-making for yourself (I can't be perfect all the time.) Would you feel warm and cared about if this was how she handled doing the same to you?

 

Anyway, it's worth looking at. The way you handled the conversation is similar to the way you handled the STD scare- concern for yourself. That isn't going to work in a relationship so take it apart and really think about the extent to which you care about a partner in a crisis and whether you bond or split when the pressure's on.