The talk I had with my boyfriend 2 days ago regarding our future didn't go well. We

[preraph]

Four years is a long time. And I'm truly worried about how you two will get along once you move out of the parents' and in together because sounds like maybe neither of you have ever done that and you're really not ready for another person until you do. I worry that his mommy takes care and spoils him (or he wouldn't still be living there) and that his expectations (and perhaps your own) will be unrealistically expecting the other to fill that role and that you both need to be independent and on your own separately first before marrying. Just my two cents. But of course, you have a right to press the matter after four years. If there's anything you need to do (get a better job) to allay some of his financial fears, that would be a start.

[Leigh 87]

Meh, he is a mummy's boy. First I didn't understand why you would be unsure of bringing something up with someone you've dated for four years? But your other thread explains it. I'm sure you can find someone better. You both need to learn to stand on your own feet and grow up

 

Have you personally experienceda drug addiction that lasted years?

 

Have you been physically ill with anorexia for years ina mental institution like I was?

 

There are actually legitimate readons why adult children need help.

 

Thank God you're not a mother:sick: If you were my mother, I would have went strait from the hospital bed, emaciated and traumatised from nearly dying multiple times, and had to park my ass on a park bench. Since you know, mentally ill people can't just click their fingers and get a job like most others.

 

You don't seem to comprehend that some "adults " need extra help despite their very best efforts to be self sufficient. .

 

Anyway, I am just standing up for the OP. She may be very hard working and have legitimate reasons for needing to live at home. Not to mention, saving for a house is still a good enough reason to stay at home for a little longer.

 

People that kive at home into their late 20s can afford homes 15 years quicker than many folks who insist on doing it all on their own.

 

If ever have children, I believe a GOOD parent would do whatever it took to help their kids get ahead. No need to make your kid work 30 hours a week whilst studying a medical or engineering degree if you can afford to support them.

.

[Leigh 87]

I don't think it's appropriate or polite to condem the OP for her lifestyle choices when the thread is about her boyfriend and their relationship.

 

Yes I agree that both people should be working full time and living independently prior to marriage.

 

What the OP does before engagement and marriage totally didn't warrant any judgments or opinions.

[Leigh 87]

And why can't he afford a ring?

 

My bf pays full rent for us (i offered my part but he is very traditional and insists that I save for my own podiatry business for later on). I paythe much cheaper monthly phone bill as my contribution.

 

So he could afford a decent ring and he pays: full rent, groceries often for two, a fortnightly car loan. And to get his dog groomed occasionally and buy his pet food.

 

He is on a rather low income for Australia yet even he can afford to set aside 200 to 300 the weeks his car loan payment doesn't come out.......

 

We live in Australia. It's very expensive here. If my bf could hypothetically afford a ring living OUT OF HOME, then sorry but your bf just isn't into the idea of marrying you.

 

Sorry.

[AnnieRose]

Living at home at that age is extremely common these days, so don't let some people in this thread make you feel weird about that!

 

Both of you are still very young, and have time to decide what you plan to do for the rest of your lives. Give him time as some said, if after this year you haven't seen the progress you'd like, revisit the issue. Just remember, love should be the most important part of this! Do you truly love each other, or are you feeling the pressure of society to be married/moved out/settled down by a certain age? In other words, is it worth losing him if you don't get what you want when you want it? Or is he worth the wait?

[thecrucible]

Why are you still living at your parents at your age?

 

Is it possible you both lack ambition and prefer the easy life of mom and dad..

 

I don't think this is a fair comment. For instance, I have a degree from the top university in my country and in the top 5 in the UK. What am I doing now? I am working a minimum wage job (although at a lower level in my chosen industry) and still living with my parents because the job market is so competitive and that is all I can get now. I don't have a vocational degree either so this doesn't help. I just hope my situation will turn around soon. Things are a lot harder for young people than people make out and we get too much of a bad rep sometimes.

 

As for OP, it's good that you said how you felt as it's all out in the open now. If he is not open to discussing how he can get into a situation where he's ready for marriage, then yes I'd be worried. But at the same time, you kind of have to give him space for a bit. I would set a deadline in your mind and reassess from there if you need to later call it quits.

[Gaeta]

I have bi polar, asberges and am an introvert. I lived at home because I needed the support in managing my mental illness. I mostly worked or studied. Always did something. It's taken years of therapy for me to finally beat my anxiety enough to live away from parents whoI felt safe around since I don't click with many people or feel comfortable around people in general.

 

Furthermore, I was at home in my late 20s because I wanted to go to college and podiatry is too full on to work 30 hours a week waiting tables. Which would be required in Australia in order to afford rent even in the most run down, drug addled area. Not to mention my mental illnesses. Which even with therapy, take a lot of care to manage.

 

I work my ass off studying and get high Ds. Not everyone has the intellectual capacity OR mental strength study 40 to 50 hours a week and also work 30 hrs a week on top of that.

 

Yes, there are those people who can have mental illnesses, average intelligence and yet manage to do a demanding full time college degree AND wait tables for 30 plus hours a week. They get up, study or work all day, and then come home eat dinner and study or work the entire night. All the whilehaving regular panic attacks and manic episodes that totally drain them to the extent where that cannot move from the foetal position.

 

But some of us plagued with serious mental illness would rather utilise help on offer. I managed to save enough at home to now live away from home, I was able to ease into my full time degree, find relevant part time work and face difficult battles with mental illness that honestly I don't believe I would have done had I been forced into full time study AND full time work.

 

And before you say that people like me haven't lived life, I still worked consistently albeit various jobs and afforded extensive overseas travel where I helped out at orphanages and donated time an effort to help the homeless. I have seen so much of the world and volunteerd tirelessly both in my home country and overseas. And none of my friends know about it because my parents taught me that it was in bad taste to be altruistic and tell anyone about it. Not even m6 closest friends know that I helped teach underprivileged kids to read these past 4 years up until 2014.

 

So maybe you should actually find out about the individual circumstances before you look down upon the adult child or parents.

 

Only a real witch of a parent would have kicked me out on my ass when I was anorexic in hospital for years in my 20s. They did lead me to courses that resulted in employment though and guide me towards full time work and I am now totally healthy physically and top of my class less than a year into my degree. Mental illness in check. I even work part time whenever I can .

 

The vast majority of hard working and sensible adults that go back to college at a later age would accept help rather than study full time in a degree that 90/of people couldn't pass if they also had to work full time. It doesn't make them lazy. The employment market is **** here and you need top marks to even get a look in for jobs upon graduation.

 

I think you're being too harsh on the OP for the simple fact that she lives at home. Maybeshe is working full time and saving for a house? Maybe she is still studying and wants to excel at her studies and doesn't feel full time work which is required to pay rent wherr I live, is feasible?

 

Just because you had it tough that doesn't mean others are lesser than you in any way at all simply because they mentally or intellectually could not make it alone with their full time studies.

 

Leigh: I don't know why you took my post personally. If OP's boyfriend has a metal illness that has him stay home with his parents than she should mention it. I'm not here to guess, I am here to give my opinion on the facts presented to me.

[thecrucible]

Leigh: I don't know why you took my post personally. If OP's boyfriend has a metal illness that has him stay home with his parents than she should mention it. I'm not here to guess, I am here to give my opinion on the facts presented to me.

 

Also quoting to say I understand as well that it's hard to guess with very few facts so I didn't take your posts too personally either. Anyway, back to the topic at hand. We should wait for the OP to get back and see if she has any more info.

[Gaeta]

I don't think this is a fair comment. For instance, I have a degree from the top university in my country and in the top 5 in the UK. What am I doing now? I am working a minimum wage job (although at a lower level in my chosen industry) and still living with my parents because the job market is so competitive and that is all I can get now. I don't have a vocational degree either so this doesn't help. I just hope my situation will turn around soon. Things are a lot harder for young people than people make out and we get too much of a bad rep sometimes.

.

 

Asking OP why her boyfriend of almost 30 still lives at home is legitimate question. Same as why at 26 is she still home.

 

I am a parent, I have a 28 yo daughter. She moved out at 22. She started with 2-3 room-mates then couple years later 1 room-mate and now she is on her own. She slowly built herself up. When she moved out at 22 she could barely make it financially. I told her to do her best and I'd be there if it gets too tight. Why she moved out when she could barely support herself? Because that's what you do when you are an adult. You fetch for yourself ! I cannot imagine having a child of 28 living with me. Noway!

[preraph]

Anyone who thinks you can really reach your own maturity and develop fully if you've never moved out from your mother simply doesn't understand. Of course, it's expensive to make your own way, but that's what adults do. It's the parents' job to prepare them to leave the nest and be able to stand on their own two feet at least most of the time. Now, we may find that he has lived alone and is now back and that she has too, but if neither of them has left the nest, it's a huge issue.

[thecrucible]

Asking OP why her boyfriend of almost 30 still lives at home is legitimate question. Same as why at 26 is she still home.

 

I am a parent, I have a 28 yo daughter. She moved out at 22. She started with 2-3 room-mates then couple years later 1 room-mate and now she is on her own. She slowly built herself up. When she moved out at 22 she could barely make it financially. I told her to do her best and I'd be there if it gets too tight. Why she moved out when she could barely support herself? Because that's what you do when you are an adult. You fetch for yourself ! I cannot imagine having a child of 28 living with me. Noway!

 

Oh I do understand. I couldn't actually afford to move out on my wages unfortunately but I don't ask my parents for money and I am spending thousands on driving tuition to help me in the job market. As soon as I am successful in getting a job with full time hours, I will be arranging to move out. I would not have been able to move out officially at 22 due to the high cost of property in my university town but I lived away from home in university buildings for several years. I tried to make money to support myself by getting a job but I was never successful in getting one. When I returned, I didn't think I'd be at home for as long as I have been.

 

But you do have a point. My friend's boyfriend still lives with his parents and he has a full time job and has just turned 30. I think money worries are part of it but I have no idea why and I am not going to be nosy to find out. I think living with parents longer is common in our generation.

 

The OP's situation sounds similar to my friend's. She lives with her boyfriend and his parents. They have dated for around 6 years and they have not gotten engaged. As I said, I'm not prepared to be nosy but I am wondering if she is thinking what the OP is thinking. Like me, she lived with her parents while living in our town but then she moved to a town closer to her bf and lived independently. Now she has moved in with her bf and his parents.

[No_Go]

I 100% agree here. A 28 yo "child" has no place living with parents UNLESS physically/mentally sick and unable to work.

 

I moved out at 22, and the first year or so I was literally in trouble maintaining myself - not only I was low in finances, I NEVER realized by then the "adult" responsibilities like paying your own bills and planning your own meals. Guess what? I didn't die I was far away enough from home even to dream to return, and on top, in a country where I didn't know anybody and didn't speak the language (good that in the university people were speaking English, else I'd feel severe communication deficit).

 

My sister is 26 now and lives with my mom... Her BF is 33, also lives at home... They're dating like 4 years, like the OP, and are not engaged. I'm sure it is not the lack of money, because they're both gainfully employed, but they have no idea how to operate as an adults IMO... I can give tons of examples for couples like this dating forever in their late 20s and 30s (and even 40s)! I'm not sure that the parents are doing a favor to their healthy (and employed!) grown-up children...

 

 

Asking OP why her boyfriend of almost 30 still lives at home is legitimate question. Same as why at 26 is she still home.

 

I am a parent, I have a 28 yo daughter. She moved out at 22. She started with 2-3 room-mates then couple years later 1 room-mate and now she is on her own. She slowly built herself up. When she moved out at 22 she could barely make it financially. I told her to do her best and I'd be there if it gets too tight. Why she moved out when she could barely support herself? Because that's what you do when you are an adult. You fetch for yourself ! I cannot imagine having a child of 28 living with me. Noway!

[thecrucible]

I moved out at 22, and the first year or so I was literally in trouble maintaining myself - not only I was low in finances, I NEVER realized by then the "adult" responsibilities like paying your own bills and planning your own meals.

 

Kind of patronising really. I may be forced to live with the parents but I still have plenty of experience meal planning and paying bills. Not everyone who lives at home is some kind of overgrown child.

[katiegrl]

There are actually legitimate readons why adult children need help.

 

Have you personally experienceda drug addiction that lasted years?

 

Have you been physically ill with anorexia for years ina mental institution like I was?

Thank God you're not a mother:sick: If you were my mother, I would have went strait from the hospital bed, emaciated and traumatised from nearly dying multiple times, and had to park my ass on a park bench. Since you know, mentally ill people can't just click their fingers and get a job like most others.

 

You don't seem to comprehend that some "adults " need extra help despite their very best efforts to be self sufficient. .

 

Anyway, I am just standing up for the OP. She may be very hard working and have legitimate reasons for needing to live at home. Not to mention, saving for a house is still a good enough reason to stay at home for a little longer.

 

People that kive at home into their late 20s can afford homes 15 years quicker than many folks who insist on doing it all on their own.

 

If ever have children, I believe a GOOD parent would do whatever it took to help their kids get ahead. No need to make your kid work 30 hours a week whilst studying a medical or engineering degree if you can afford to support them.

.

 

Leigh, reading this ^^, along with your previous post -- I have no response but just wanted to say...

 

((hugs))

 

That's quite a life you've had (and are still having)... I am glad you are close with your family....and marking out a valuable life for yourself as a podiatrist.

 

Good luck with everything!

[No_Go]

The things for living at home is you always have a backup (at least I felt that way). If it is not the case for you - you're in a much better standing than me in my early 20s

 

Kind of patronising really. I may be forced to live with the parents but I still have plenty of experience meal planning and paying bills. Not everyone who lives at home is some kind of overgrown child.

[Leigh 87]

Anyone who thinks you can really reach your own maturity and develop fully if you've never moved out from your mother simply doesn't understand. Of course, it's expensive to make your own way, but that's what adults do. It's the parents' job to prepare them to leave the nest and be able to stand on their own two feet at least most of the time. Now, we may find that he has lived alone and is now back and that she has too, but if neither of them has left the nest, it's a huge issue.

 

It really depends why they are at home. Living at home does stunt your development to a significant enough extent. For sure. It did me. But the thing is, I was ashamed of myself and embarrassed for being at home so old...... I did so out of desperation. I actually needee help. Hospital stays and a suicide attempt. ........my goal was always, first and foremost, to go t9 college, get a degree and become independent ASAP. While trying to work part time in the interim during my studies.

 

Many dudes whome I've had the... displeasure of knowing well,all lived at home because they were moochers.their general attitude towards life was pathetic. They hadno drive. They couldn't cope with life.

 

Now thanks to parental help, I managed to afford the regular therapy for long enough to now employ various coping mechanisms on order to live happily enough to enjoy life most of the time. I couldn't have afforded the therapy and occasional meds living in even the cheapest of dumps hadI not had parental help.

As soon as I had the opportunity to get the feck out of mummy and daddys I did! And obviously feel much better about myself! It was ALWAYS the number one goal of mine; independence.

 

This guy sounds like he knows he needs to get his finances in order. He called off rhe relationshipin order to do this at one stage according to the OP. He seems to get it.

 

It's the fact he just doesn't seem that into her that is a bother. My bf and I went through hell to move in together a mere few months after meeting. We are both low income, me a student and him a machine operator and truck driver, and we have gotten through massive financial hardships and both being desperate to bettwr ourselves and also our mental health issues are manageable but can occasional lead to bad moods.

 

If a man truly has a hunch that you're the one....he'll move mountains for you. It is actually a good sign that hes assuming responsibility for his living situation and feels the urge to get his act together. Sounds like he is one of the ones that wants to leave home. He just isn't willing to move mountains for her to make it stick.

 

My bf and I need to get our act together. But we choose to do it together despite being a low income couple for the most part. The facthe wanted to break it off with you over it is telling. The marriage crap is just predictable based on his past actions.

[Leigh 87]

Leigh, reading this ^^, along with your previous post -- I have no response but just wanted to say...

 

((hugs))

 

That's quite a life you've had (and are still having)... I am glad you are close with your family....and marking out a valuable life for yourself as a podiatrist.

 

Good luck with everything!

 

My bf and I have both struggled. Thanks for your kind words.

 

The OPs bf sounds like, whatever reason he had to remain at home, it is no longeracceptable to him as he voiced his displeasure at his position in life and wanted to cool things down with the OP just to take the time to better himself.

 

Whether the OPs guy is at home due to being lazy and having character flaws is not the issue. How are we to know what could be wrong with him? Lazy mooches have been known to turn their lives around too so let's not get too caught up in their respective living situations.

 

I hope we are wrong but yeah. Doesn't seem like he is feeling it enough to make his intentions loud and clear. I already know after 5 mnths that my bf likes the idea of marrying me IF... a huge IF we work out in the long term! A man tends to know if he gets excited by the notion of a future with you by the first 6 months. Obviously no one knows for sure what looks actually end up happeningat that early stage.

 

By 2 years..come on now. I'll reiterate-- my boyfriend is low income, has debts, a car loan and pays full rent usually and STILL has 100 to 300 left over each week. If he wanted to propose he would.

 

Has he spoke of his marriage style? Like.. are you two all about the espensive ring? My bf has stated that he would want to give me my dream ring . Making it special in that sense is important to him. He is obviously going to take a few months to save if this is the case.

 

Why haven't you communicated more regarding marriage? Maybe your bf wants to do it properly with a flash ring. Which will take up tp a year to save for if he's really broke. Or....... maybe he wants to get his act together before thinking engagement because many men would like a wedding to take place shortly after an engagement. Which he obviously cannot afford.

 

Him living at home has a direct impact for sure. He can't afford the ring apparently, much less a wedding.... and he HAS mentioned to the OP that he wants time off to better his situation. It sounds like engagement and his low income lifestyle at mummys are interconnected.

[thecrucible]

The things for living at home is you always have a backup (at least I felt that way). If it is not the case for you - you're in a much better standing than me in my early 20s

 

Aw I hope I don't come across really rude. It was more like a quizzical comment. I hate the internet for tone. I agree that there's nothing like actually doing something to experience what it really is like. I'm just a little sensitive because I'm used to people thinking I have more choice over my circumstances than I genuinely do. Everyone should want to be independent and be working towards it. I think that's the important part. If the OP's boyfriend is actively making an action plan to get into a position to marry then that would be a totally different thing to saying "sometime when I move out...".

[No_Go]

No worries, i though the same for my own comment.

 

As a matter of fact, generalizing is not a good idea exactly for that reason - someone who doesn't fit the image described will get hurt:(

 

And I do agree the intent and actions matter most, not the present circumstantial situation. OPs BF seem to be lacking on the action front though ..

 

Aw I hope I don't come across really rude. It was more like a quizzical comment. I hate the internet for tone. I agree that there's nothing like actually doing something to experience what it really is like. I'm just a little sensitive because I'm used to people thinking I have more choice over my circumstances than I genuinely do. Everyone should want to be independent and be working towards it. I think that's the important part. If the OP's boyfriend is actively making an action plan to get into a position to marry then that would be a totally different thing to saying "sometime when I move out...".

[Teraskas]

I don't think this is a fair comment. For instance, I have a degree from the top university in my country and in the top 5 in the UK. What am I doing now? I am working a minimum wage job (although at a lower level in my chosen industry) and still living with my parents because the job market is so competitive and that is all I can get now. I don't have a vocational degree either so this doesn't help. I just hope my situation will turn around soon. Things are a lot harder for young people than people make out and we get too much of a bad rep sometimes.

 

As for OP, it's good that you said how you felt as it's all out in the open now. If he is not open to discussing how he can get into a situation where he's ready for marriage, then yes I'd be worried. But at the same time, you kind of have to give him space for a bit. I would set a deadline in your mind and reassess from there if you need to later call it quits.

 

At last, someone who understands the young folks' predicament. ^^

I'm 24 and in a similar situation. (Except I'm single.)

I'm usually a lurker on these forums and generally don't reply unless I feel like it, or something is triggered in me.

Some of you might remember this, but at age 20/21 I got cancer and memory loss.

Let me tell you...that medication is NOT cheap.

 

Combine that with 1 year unemployment,

(And I'm not talking sitting on my rear end all day doing nothing. Rather applying to every possible job offering which I can see myself working in, actively going to companies and presenting my resume for sponatenous job applications, etc.) a very competitive market, "you lack experience" argument (although capable of speaking multiple languages and studying for years as an interpreter, subsequently followed by teacher training, etc.), etc. and you have an unsustainable situation for living independently.

 

The current situation is a lot tougher for the younger crowd due to the still lingering financial crysis. (at least it's that way in Europe / Belgium)

Especially those who (like myself) want to start living independently, yet are stranded due to circumstances.

Yet ironically it's never acknowledged.

 

But believe me, in the years that I've been single and struggling with the side effects of cancer & memory loss...it made me realise how precious and limited our time on this earth really is.

The combination of memory loss and cancer methodically erased my personality when I was in a medically induced coma.

I couldn't remember who I was anymore.

I had to rebuild my personality from scratch.

 

I did things which weren't in my nature: I started a new hobby which connected with my cousin's end of the family after contact waned after my grandparents passed, started eating fruit / vegetables which I was never interested in, etc. Eventually when I was "rebuilt", my friends complained that mentally I'm on par with someone in their early 30s. ^^

They're still baffled as to why a woman hasn't claimed me yet...and they're not alone in pondering this.

 

Regardless, ever since then I have been focused on self-improvement, be it learning new skills (oldtimer restoration, learning to do things with my hands), mental conditioning, physical improvement, etc.

All in the hopes that I might some day FINALLY be enough for a potential employer with regards to skills and qualities...or a woman who's genuinely interested in me.