The talk I had with my boyfriend 2 days ago regarding our future didn't go well. We

[Ashleywill88]

I’m 26 and my boyfriend is 28. We’ve been dating for close to four years now. I have a really close relationship with him and I always tell him what’s on my mind and vice versa. Yesterday I told him that I had a lot on my mind regarding our future together (getting engaged, getting married, buying our home, etc.). I was a little hesitant to talk to him about how I was feeling yesterday because I didn’t know what his reaction would be, but he was pressuring me to tell him. So I basically asked him if he’s thinking about getting engaged soon and he kept telling me that he’s getting there. I didn’t pressure him about this subject, but I did tell him that I really feel like we should be engaged by now because of how close we are and how long we’ve been dating. Not only that, it would be great if we can start planning our future together now. I mentioned buying our home and that we’re both too old to be living with our parents now. His goal is to be out of his mother’s home by 30 so I even mentioned that he will be turning 30 next year. He said that he’s not ready to get engaged now, but he’s getting there. He asked if wanted to get engaged soon and I told him that it would be ideal for us to get engaged sometime this year.

He also mentioned that he’s not financially ready to buy a ring yet (which he isn’t – he doesn’t make much money at all), but I’m not really concerned with having a big ring. I told him that. He then mentioned that he may not be ready until early next year.

When the conversation was finished, he stated that he felt like I was pressuring him, but that wasn’t my intentions at all. I was just telling him what’s been on my mind and how I feel. He then said that the engagement will happen when the time is right and when he’s ready. He said that we both know we’re going to marry each other so why rush. I’m feeling really distant towards him today.

Thoughts on this situation? Am I being irrational at all?

[GunslingerRoland]

It`s always a tough situation; you don`t want a relationship that is going nowhere, but there is also nothing worse than forcing someone to marry you who isn`t sure yet.

 

 

One thing from a financial perspective if you guys are 28 and live at home, and he can`t afford an engagement ring you guys are soooo far from being able to afford a home that, it shouldn't even be part of the conversation. What happens if you scrape together the money to buy a home and then a day later the furnace blows and you owe $5000 for it.

[pteromom]

You aren't being irrational. But neither is he. If he isn't ready, he isn't ready. Look past all his reasons to what he is really saying - he isn't ready.

 

It could be that he really is just in a getting-ready phase, or it could be that he doesn't know if he wants to get married. Time will tell.

 

Give him another year. Don't bring marriage or engagement up AT ALL. Let him feel no pressure. See what he does.

 

If a year goes by and he still hasn't proposed or made any type of plan for moving forward, you will have to decide if you are good enough with the way things are that you are willing to redefine what you want.

[smackie9]

My perspective is, if he really wanted a future with you he would have been busting his ass to be financial secure for the last 4 years. He is dragging his heels and being so defensive about it because he is afraid of the responsibility. Not exactly marriage material. He is misguiding you IMO.

[fitnessfan365]

It's a disturbing trend in society IMO.

 

I mean you get college graduates who can't find work that are in major debt from student loans. So they wind up living with their parents for YEARS working crappy minimum wage jobs. People in America used to have a desire for independence. But now people have an eventual goal to move out by the time they're 30..LOL

 

As GR said though, you shouldn't be having a "future conversation" anytime soon. I mean you both still live at home, your BF makes little to no money, etc.. Hell, studio apartments (less than 500 square feet) rent for $2,000 a month these days.

 

But like I said, unfortunately these days a lot of people just don't have any motivation to succeed on their own because their parents allow them to live at home until they're 30 or older. Your BF says he probably won't be ready until next year, but let's be honest. He's just brushing you off and buying time because it's not like he will suddenly be financially independent out of nowhere. He feels pressure because he knows that his situation won't be changing any time soon.

[Gaeta]

He has been living at his parents till his 30th birthday and cannot buy a ring? Where's his money?

 

Why are you still living at your parents at your age?

 

Is it possible you both lack ambition and prefer the easy life of mom and dad.

 

Is this really the man you want to spend the rest of your life with? Not long ago he was kicking you out for the most ridiculous reasons and a week later you found him flirting with other women on social-media. He didn't sound too much in distress over losing you.

[SWTairen]

I wouldn't worry too much over it. If he's into you then give him time and things will handle themselves...I'm just beginning to understand what true patience is when it comes to man (though the advice is still needed as I'm not sure where to go with it). But if he's not ready then don't pressure him as you'll only push him away.

[Robratory]

You're not being irrational. Four years is long enough. That line about "not being ready" is bull. What circumstance or event is supposed to make him ready? Does he not know you well enough by now? Most likely, he just doesn't want to get married. It's not that he's made the sober, deliberate decision to remain single all his life. It's more like when people don't want to go to the dentist. They don't want to talk about. They don't want to think about it. They don't want to deal with it at all.

 

On the other hand, still living at home at 28? That's a huge red flag unless there's a really good explanation for it.

[truth_seeker]

I've seen this situation time and time again. One is holding out because they DO NOT want to get married. They want to hold on to the other person until they find the one. He's just wants sex and companionship from OP until he meets the woman he wants to marry.

[truth_seeker]

 

On the other hand, still living at home at 28? That's a huge red flag unless there's a really good explanation for it.

 

Yes and no.

 

If he's saving to buy a condo or home, then it makes sense. I could have moved out of my parents house in my 20s, lived with roommates and probably would be still living with roommates today. Instead, lived at home, saved up, bought the place I wanted.

[salparadise]

Well, given your ages and the length of time you've been dating I don't think you're being irrational at all. You didn't mention whether you intend to have children, but if you do that's another reason not to be content to let the years pass as if time means nothing at all.

 

I'm a man, and I value my time. I want a life partner, not a series of dalliances. I don't appreciate anyone wasting my precious time for entertainment value even if we are having fun.

 

It's even more important for a woman who wants a family. It's a real-life practical thing, and an important one. At age 26 you have eight years to have your children. So let's say hypothetically that he agrees to get engaged after another year and then married a year after that, but then he gets cold feet and won't follow through. He will have just waisted a good six of your prime years and you're then into your early to mid 30s before you could feasibly find an appropriate partner, date awhile and start a family. If it takes you two or three more tries to find the right guy then you're out of time.

 

I know you love him and have a lot of time invested with him already, but if it were me... I'd tell him he needs to $hit or get off the pot. Four years is a long time to date without commitment in your situation. And if he continues to drag his feet and be less than enthusiastic... I'd have to seriously reexamine my priorities.

[Robratory]

Yes and no.

 

If he's saving to buy a condo or home, then it makes sense. I could have moved out of my parents house in my 20s, lived with roommates and probably would be still living with roommates today. Instead, lived at home, saved up, bought the place I wanted.

 

Well, that's a really good reason to still live at home!

[Gaeta]

Yes and no.

 

If he's saving to buy a condo or home, then it makes sense. I could have moved out of my parents house in my 20s, lived with roommates and probably would be still living with roommates today. Instead, lived at home, saved up, bought the place I wanted.

 

I disagree. Living home till the age of 30 is not experiencing life. It's about having it easy. Never any wonder about how he'll pay the rent this month, about budgeting, about how he'll pay groceries. I would not want to be with a man that had never fetch for himself at age 30.

 

I moved out of my parents at 18. I went to college on student loans and it took me 10 years to pay them off. I still bought my first house at age of 26.

[SwordofFlame]

I disagree. Living home till the age of 30 is not experiencing life. It's about having it easy. Never any wonder about how he'll pay the rent this month, about budgeting, about how he'll pay groceries. I would not want to be with a man that had never fetch for himself at age 30.

 

I moved out of my parents at 18. I went to college on student loans and it took me 10 years to pay them off. I still bought my first house at age of 26.

 

Depends on the culture. Some cultures (Japan for example) the kids live with their parents until they get married.

 

I personally couldn't imagine living with my parents at 28 though.

[Redhead14]

Just 2 months ago, you started a thread that said this:

 

I've been with him for 3 year He's 28 and i'm 27. About a week ago, he told me basically needed time because his financial situation is really bad and he wants to get his life together. This was hard for me, and i fought for him at first, but now i've accepted his decision. Although he made this decision, we've still been really close -- we talk every other day or so and we're kind've just normal towards each other. So fast forwarding to yesterday, I know this may sound really embarrasing, but I rarely wear underwear (panties) when i'm wearing work clothes. I only do this if i'm wear pretty baggy work pants I do this. I just hate wearing them and i hardly ever wear underwear when i'm home. I've been doing this for a long time, but i guess he never noticed. So yesterday i was over his house and he asked me to change into his shorts instead of being in my work pants. So i did and he noticed I wasn't wearing any underwear. He got so outraged that I can't even put it in writing; he kept asking why the hell aren't you wearing underwear, you've never done this before, and so on. He also said that he's going to make sure to go have sex with another girl. I reassured him that I do this often and i actually went over his house several times after work and i didn't have underwear on. I would just change into his clothes and put his boxers on without him being around, or he just didn't notice before now. So I was really hurt, and even started crying just a little, because we claim that we trust each other; i was shocked at his entire reaction. He even tried to kick me out, but I stayed at this house for a couple hours after that and continued to reassure him that I always do this and i didn't do anything wrong. I'm just so hurt by this situation. Today i don't know if i should continue to try to prove to him that i wasn't lying or just leave this situation alone and not contact him. It's evident that he wants nothing to do with me

 

And, you two were "broken up" and returning his stuff. Followed by another thread. It appears you've made some reconciliation. So, what wisdom did you follow that told you it would be a good idea to bring up becoming engaged and planning for the future just 2 months after all this??????

 

You shouldn't be thinking about becoming engaged to anyone really. You need to get up on your own two feet, establish yourself as a single, independent, secure young woman in her own right and focus on yourself for a while.

 

And, your boyfriend should be doing the same for himself. Once you two have done that for yourselves, there will be a better understanding of what kind of future you could have for yourselves with each other.

 

And, if the reason that he doesn't want to become engaged or make a plan is that he's wants to become more financially independent and secure, and he now has a heads up that you are thinking about engagement, etc., he will start making a very sincere effort to do that. If he doesn't do that soon, he's just stringing you along -- more accurately, you are stringing yourself along.

[truth_seeker]

I disagree. Living home till the age of 30 is not experiencing life. It's about having it easy. Never any wonder about how he'll pay the rent this month, about budgeting, about how he'll pay groceries. I would not want to be with a man that had never fetch for himself at age 30.

 

I moved out of my parents at 18. I went to college on student loans and it took me 10 years to pay them off. I still bought my first house at age of 26.

 

That's a fair point about not experiencing life. I'm sure I missed out on some fun and some major headaches.

 

Isn't the ultimate goal of many to be rich so life will be easier?

 

You assume the guy will know nothing about life because he's saving up to buy a home instead of renting in his 20s and being in constant debt.

 

I got the home and no debt. As far as groceries, budgeting, it's called making money and having money in the bank. If you met a man who told you he had a home, job, car, money in the bank but stilled lived at home until he was 30... you would next him?

[Satu]

The relationship you have is the relationship you have today.

 

If you're happy with it today, you'll probably be happy with it tomorrow.

 

If you're not happy with it today, you'll probably not be happy with it tomorrow.

 

The past is gone, and the future is unknown.

[Gaeta]

If you met a man who told you he had a home, job, car, money in the bank but stilled lived at home until he was 30... you would next him?

 

Maybe it's cultural but I would better like being with a man that is poor but is making it on his own than being with a rich man just moving out of mom's house.

 

It's not only about the money and the house. From 20 to 30 you are suppose to be out there and struggling. It's when you learn, make decision, fall, get back up, try something else. That's when you build character by developing your instinct, your ability to solve problems.

 

Going to mom's dinner every night, every night sliding in a clean bed she washed, not having any utility bills under your name up to 30, never going to bed with money worry. Yes I think it's not such a good thing to develop into a solid man or woman.

[truth_seeker]

Maybe it's cultural but I would better like being with a man that is poor but is making it on his own than being with a rich man just moving out of mom's house.

 

Okay. That's your preference.

 

It's not only about the money and the house. From 20 to 30 you are suppose to be out there and struggling. It's when you learn, make decision, fall, get back up, try something else. That's when you build character by developing your instinct, your ability to solve problems.

 

I don't know. I know guys in their 30s and never learned, built their character in their 20s.

 

Going to mom's dinner every night, every night sliding in a clean bed she washed, not having any utility bills under your name up to 30, never going to bed with money worry. Yes I think it's not such a good thing to develop into a solid man or woman.

 

Sorry, this is bunk. You're saying because someone may have an easier path in life excludes them from being a solid person? Common... that's a bit much. I understand you had it tough and with that comes some resentment towards people would had it easier... but you can't fault people if they had an easier life. It's just how it goes sometimes.

[Gaeta]

Sorry, this is bunk. You're saying because someone may have an easier path in life excludes them from being a solid person? Common... that's a bit much. I understand you had it tough and with that comes some resentment towards people would had it easier... but you can't fault people if they had an easier life. It's just how it goes sometimes.

 

I am not resenting anyone. I am glad I didn't have it easy. It helped me live through very difficult moments in my 30s and 40s.

 

I am not faulting people for having it easy. I am saying it does make a difference when someone stays at their parents till their 30s.

[Httm]

A ring could cost 100 bucks or you could buy it. It is just a symbol. This issue has nothing to do with the cost of a ring.

[Emilia]

Meh, he is a mummy's boy. First I didn't understand why you would be unsure of bringing something up with someone you've dated for four years? But your other thread explains it. I'm sure you can find someone better. You both need to learn to stand on your own feet and grow up

[Leigh 87]

Why do you want to become engaged when you still live at home?

 

I am a mature aged student and there is no way I would get married until graduate and become a practicing podiatrist. In 2.5 years time from now. Sure, I occasionally get part time jobs, but you both need full time jobs if you want a legit future together.

 

I am not a fan of dragging ones feet either. You don't need to earn a set amount and drag your feet until you're both very financially secure. I think both living away from home and working full time jobs are essential. And also, you need to discuss how you both handle finances as well as preferably living together once engaged to crash test your domestic compatability.

 

It's tough living together when financial times are tough; how would you handle it if you moved out and one or both of you were on a low income and he failed to contribute?

My boyfriend and I moved in together way too fact but luckily we dealt with the issues and have been fortunate enough to work through them due to being compatible enough on key issues such as finances.

 

I am a student using student loans and he is on a lowish income but has drive and determination and is able to get jobs extremely fast (the day he applies). We are low income but can afford to live away from home. It's preferable to both work full time, obviously, but the fact I don't and can only afford essentiala and occasional trips to the beauty saloon mean that finances are tight and you really need to learn to both budget together and learn whether or not you're on the same page financially.

 

I don't actually think he sounds all that into you though. Or if he is, he is definitely a crappy person based on your posts. Or he just has issues. Or all of the above.

[katiegrl]

 

I have a really close relationship with him and I always tell him what’s on my mind and vice versa.

Yesterday I told him that I had a lot on my mind regarding our future together (getting engaged, getting married, buying our home, etc.). I was a little hesitant to talk to him about how I was feeling yesterday because I didn’t know what his reaction would be, but he was pressuring me to tell him.

 

The bolded comments contradict each other. I mean either you're close and feel comfortable sharing what's on your mind.....or you don't.

 

That said, don't EVER be afraid (or hesitant) to speak up about something that is bothering you..... out of fear what his reaction will be. Never ever.

 

Re my thoughts on your situation.... I am inclined to agree with Leigh, others too but her post was the last post I read...

 

Plus given his reaction when you finally DID express your feelings (at his urging)... I don't think he will ever be "ready" to marry you.

 

He is stalling as he probably enjoys all the perks that go along with being with you (sex, etc.).....but has no desire to spend his life with you.

 

Unless he's like me and doesn't believe that marriage is the be-all-and-end-all, and that commitment comes from the heart .... but that is not what he told you.

 

He does believe in it.... but isn't "ready."

 

I am calling BS on that....it's been FOUR years.

 

JMO.

Edited January 21, 2016 by katiegrl

[Leigh 87]

I am not resenting anyone. I am glad I didn't have it easy. It helped me live through very difficult moments in my 30s and 40s.

 

I am not faulting people for having it easy. I am saying it does make a difference when someone stays at their parents till their 30s.

 

I have bi polar, asberges and am an introvert. I lived at home because I needed the support in managing my mental illness. I mostly worked or studied. Always did something. It's taken years of therapy for me to finally beat my anxiety enough to live away from parents whoI felt safe around since I don't click with many people or feel comfortable around people in general.

 

Furthermore, I was at home in my late 20s because I wanted to go to college and podiatry is too full on to work 30 hours a week waiting tables. Which would be required in Australia in order to afford rent even in the most run down, drug addled area. Not to mention my mental illnesses. Which even with therapy, take a lot of care to manage.

 

I work my ass off studying and get high Ds. Not everyone has the intellectual capacity OR mental strength study 40 to 50 hours a week and also work 30 hrs a week on top of that.

 

Yes, there are those people who can have mental illnesses, average intelligence and yet manage to do a demanding full time college degree AND wait tables for 30 plus hours a week. They get up, study or work all day, and then come home eat dinner and study or work the entire night. All the whilehaving regular panic attacks and manic episodes that totally drain them to the extent where that cannot move from the foetal position.

 

But some of us plagued with serious mental illness would rather utilise help on offer. I managed to save enough at home to now live away from home, I was able to ease into my full time degree, find relevant part time work and face difficult battles with mental illness that honestly I don't believe I would have done had I been forced into full time study AND full time work.

 

And before you say that people like me haven't lived life, I still worked consistently albeit various jobs and afforded extensive overseas travel where I helped out at orphanages and donated time an effort to help the homeless. I have seen so much of the world and volunteerd tirelessly both in my home country and overseas. And none of my friends know about it because my parents taught me that it was in bad taste to be altruistic and tell anyone about it. Not even m6 closest friends know that I helped teach underprivileged kids to read these past 4 years up until 2014.

 

So maybe you should actually find out about the individual circumstances before you look down upon the adult child or parents.

 

Only a real witch of a parent would have kicked me out on my ass when I was anorexic in hospital for years in my 20s. They did lead me to courses that resulted in employment though and guide me towards full time work and I am now totally healthy physically and top of my class less than a year into my degree. Mental illness in check. I even work part time whenever I can .

 

The vast majority of hard working and sensible adults that go back to college at a later age would accept help rather than study full time in a degree that 90/of people couldn't pass if they also had to work full time. It doesn't make them lazy. The employment market is **** here and you need top marks to even get a look in for jobs upon graduation.

 

I think you're being too harsh on the OP for the simple fact that she lives at home. Maybeshe is working full time and saving for a house? Maybe she is still studying and wants to excel at her studies and doesn't feel full time work which is required to pay rent wherr I live, is feasible?

 

Just because you had it tough that doesn't mean others are lesser than you in any way at all simply because they mentally or intellectually could not make it alone with their full time studies.