limited Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 (edited) I met someone I found very handsome, and I enjoyed our texts/chats a lot. In person, our conversations got better as well. It took a few more dates for him to open up to me more and become more like his text personality. We're both quite similar. We get each other's sense of humor. We're both divorced and have kids. I felt comfortable with him, but I wasn't in love with him or anything. I just liked him. It was too early to fall in love as I ended things after 4 dates. I liked him a lot, but he did me wrong. He cancelled two dates on me in less than a month, and each time, I couldn't believe him. He also lied to me about being on a dating website. Twice. He could've just told me the truth, and I would've been ok with it, but he kept lying, even exaggerating the details of the lie. Then on our second date, he mentioned he was supposed to meet with another woman earlier in the day, and that really just turned me off. Like why mention this to me when you're on a date with me right now?? He later switched his story around saying he meant he was talking about that other woman from a year ago and not earlier that day. BS. I clearly remember him saying "Earlier today, I was supposed to meet another gal for coffee..." Then he tells me on our first date that he was a bad husband and selfish. I later asked him what he did or didn't do exactly. Well, he said it's because she was a stay at home mom (of 3 kids) and he was the breadwinner who bought them a big house, and at that time, he felt like he didn't need to contribute more than that, basically. Even after the divorce, (from how he talks about her) he still feels like he didn't owe her anything such as spousal support because it's all his money and not hers. He doesn't understand how hard it is to be a stay at home mom. I took a year off to watch my son, and my ex-husband was cruel to me when I did this. He called me names such as worthless and always told me to "stop spending my money" even when I wasn't. So, what he said just reminded me of this tough time I went through. So, when do you know the red flags outweigh the green flags? I'm torn because I recently ended things with him because I didn't want to make the same mistake by ignoring the red flags. It was hard for me to let go, because it's hard for me to find someone I'm attracted to on most levels as well. Edited January 21, 2016 by limited
BluEyeL Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 Yes. the red flags outweigh the green flags. Although I don't believe in spousal support myself, just child support, everything else does not sound good. Being handsome is not important when he's making you miserable every day. 5
Buddhist Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 Honey that guy didn't have red flags, he was a clear stop sign. Obvious lying, sense of entitlement, openly admits to being selfish like it's a badge of honour. What he's doing is telling you the ground rules for any relationship with him because all of that will be present and you've been warned upfront. It's hard to believe but narcissistic people are quite often upfront about their bad side. They don't actually believe it's bad. And there is the entire problem. 10
Toodaloo Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 This guy sounds very crass. Do not bother wasting a single second more on him. There are plenty of chaps that you will enjoy spending time with who will not jerk you about or use PUA tactics so obviously... Get rid. Sounds like a tool. 2
VeveCakes Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 Honey that guy didn't have red flags, he was a clear stop sign. Lol YEP You made the right choice. 1
smackie9 Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 This guy is a player.....he is the a match to most any woman because he has the looks, personality, and knows what to say. He is using this to his advantage.....you are going to get a lot of this from OLD. You did the right thing by getting out of his grip before you make yourself a fool of. You definitely need to stick to your guns and NOT over look red flags. It takes chance to meet the right one, and no one said it was going to be easy. Be patient. 2
Author limited Posted January 21, 2016 Author Posted January 21, 2016 Thanks for your quick replies. That's why I'm here. Just needed second eyes/opinions.
Toodaloo Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 Thanks for your quick replies. That's why I'm here. Just needed second eyes/opinions. Your welcome! Chin up chook. It takes a while to find the god 'uns 1
PegNosePete Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 Do you know what red flag means? It means... stop. Do not go any further. Deal breaker. If it's something that is not so serious then it would be a yellow flag. But this guy definitely put up red flags, so, deal breaker, do not pass go, do not collect £200. 2
dobielover Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 It was hard for me to let go, because it's hard for me to find someone I'm attracted to on most levels as well. What levels were you attracted to him other than the physical? I mean, this guy is an entitled jerk... 1
Toodaloo Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 What levels were you attracted to him other than the physical? I mean, this guy is an entitled jerk... Dobie has a point limited... Perhaps this question is more worth asking yourself than if you should go out with the idiot again?
salparadise Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 Dating is a journey during which you not only learn about people, you learn about yourself and how to discern the qualities you want/need in a partner, and the ones that are deal breakers. You learn how to spot the tip of the iceberg (red flags) before your ship gets ripped apart by the larger stuff you can't easily see. Red flags are early indicators of deal breakers, as opposed to minor preferences. Sometimes we may not see a red flag early due to attraction and chemistry, but when you do see it... pay attention and don't dismiss it just because you're getting your needs met in other areas. True red flags, once confirmed, mean you probably aren't compatible as life partners. After I was divorced I had to learn to date again. Actually, I hadn't really learned before being married, but that's a story for another time. I dated six different women, learning quite a bit each time (dating being defined as more than a few initial dates over several months). After the sixth one (lots of chemistry and red flags) I decided I'd had enough bull$hit and was determined to hold out until hell freezes over if necessary. After a whole year of first dates only I finally found someone with no apparent red flags, plus attraction and chemistry. And after nearly five months, no red flags and the chemistry is still working. The point is, it took all of that time and experience to sharpen my perceptions and instill a clear understanding that I couldn't keep compromising to avoid loneliness and celibacy. And this stuff has to be more than cognitive––it's emotional learning, integrated into your overall awareness. Advice: Be willing to put in the time, be cautious but not e-unavailable, accept that it will probably take a number of false starts or failed attempts, be both patient and persistent. 4
sandylee1 Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 You made the right decision . He sounds like a worthless bucket of bolts. 1
Author limited Posted January 21, 2016 Author Posted January 21, 2016 What levels were you attracted to him other than the physical? I mean, this guy is an entitled jerk... Dobie has a point limited... Perhaps this question is more worth asking yourself than if you should go out with the idiot again? I really enjoyed our chat conversations, and I thought he was a good person for the most part. It was just that other dark side of him that I couldn't get passed. I guess I've been lonely too long (divorced a year, but been lonely in previous marriage for 10+ years), and it was nice to have someone to talk with again. My primary love language is Words of Affirmation, and he always complimented me a lot, so it made me feel good. In the end, I noticed that he always spoke big words with me, but his actions did not match his words. Also just recently learned that I wasn't the only one he was giving compliments to, at the same time he was giving it to me. He has very few male friends, but lots of female "friends" on his FB and Instagram. He takes too many selfies for his age (mid 40's). Just all strange things and too many red flags as I write this. And yes, he's pretty handsome, and that part can blind me. Perhaps I need to take more time off, and if I date, just date for fun, and not take it so seriously.
Toodaloo Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 He has very few male friends, but lots of female "friends" on his FB and Instagram. He takes too many selfies for his age (mid 40's). Just all strange things and too many red flags as I write this. And yes, he's pretty handsome, and that part can blind me. Perhaps I need to take more time off, and if I date, just date for fun, and not take it so seriously. Oh classic "playa" as the kool kids call it these days. Don't worry. We all get drawn in by something. Could be looks, something they say or do... We all have "blind spots" and its really hard when you are going through the "repair" stage to recognize them. Heck I still do! We all make mistakes its moving on from them and learning from them that matters. There are some lovely good looking guys out there. I know an absolute gem who is the spitting image of Daniel Craig and he struggles just as much as the next man. He knows it... Just take your time. 1
dobielover Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 I really enjoyed our chat conversations, and I thought he was a good person for the most part. It was just that other dark side of him that I couldn't get passed. I guess I've been lonely too long (divorced a year, but been lonely in previous marriage for 10+ years), and it was nice to have someone to talk with again. My primary love language is Words of Affirmation, and he always complimented me a lot, so it made me feel good. In the end, I noticed that he always spoke big words with me, but his actions did not match his words. Also just recently learned that I wasn't the only one he was giving compliments to, at the same time he was giving it to me. How can someone who barely knows you really affirm you, other than your appearance, which shouldn't be the basis upon which you feel affirmed? He doesn't know you well enough to be able to trust anything he has to say about you as a person, your character, none of it, especially given the incredibly short periods of time you spent together. Your attraction to this man is dangerous for you, you'll fall for another one if you don't put up some emotional boundaries.
Toodaloo Posted January 22, 2016 Posted January 22, 2016 How can someone who barely knows you really affirm you, other than your appearance, which shouldn't be the basis upon which you feel affirmed? He doesn't know you well enough to be able to trust anything he has to say about you as a person, your character, none of it, especially given the incredibly short periods of time you spent together. Your attraction to this man is dangerous for you, you'll fall for another one if you don't put up some emotional boundaries. When you have been lonely and felt unloved and miserable for that long you do become very vulnerable. limited now needs to learn all this. Its obvious to us as we are the "Got the T shirt" crew. Her divorce etc is still new. All those emotions and that hurt is still being processed. My advice to you limited is take your time. Concentrate on you. Do those things that you wanted to do but were unable to. I assume you have children so hug them as much as you can. Get fit, get healthy, do the things you enjoy and look for people who enjoy similar things to you. Go dancing, stop and smell the flowers. Find that calm and security within you. It is there. Learn how to love yourself and look after yourself then... go from there! As soon as you know who you are as a person just on your own you will be able to find people that "match" you better. You will also be able to see behavior like this sooner and have the confidence to throw these rotten ones away before you get attached to them. 1
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