I'm the married man.....

[whichwayisup]

Hey

 

My lady friend knew I was married and our relationship,was incredible. She described me as my soul mate etc.

 

I wanted to end things about 4 months ago, however she got sick and I felt she needed my support.

 

Over the next few months the bond between us got closer and closer however it was noticeable that she became more and more upset with our situation and my non committal to leave my wife. Looking back now I can see her point entirely, more so when during this time she miscarriaged our baby.

 

I told her at the time I didn't think it would be good to keep,it as she was very ill and I would end up bringing the baby up, alone.

 

I guess i sound a nasty person ?

 

we exchanged Xmas gifts prior to thanksgiving, and I spent time with my family. She wanted me to spend her last Xmas with her and I refused.

 

She did not wish me a Happy Xmas , so I asked her if I upset her, to which she replied your "with her" and I'm spending time with MY family and friends.

 

I have now had no contact for 24 days and I'm hurting like hell.

 

I am worried I will never see her again , and I miss her terribly.

 

Advice please X

 

You either divorce your wife and start a new life with your OW, or you end your affair with her and focus on reconnecting with your wife and fix yourself and your marriage. You cannot have both! It's unfair and cruel to your OW and you've been hurting your wife in the worst possible way by betraying her and having an A.

 

STAY IN NC MODE, leave the OW alone. She needs to grieve and deal with losing your baby and also the loss of the A ending. You can't commit to her since you ARE married and have a wife. It's extremely selfish of you to have TWO women to meet all your needs. Life doesn't work that way!

 

Or come clean with your wife, see if you two can have an open marriage, maybe your wife would want someone on the side too.

[whichwayisup]

I have told my wife that I wanted to call her to see how she was..... She is not happy but agreed.

 

I sincerely am aware that it is far from ok to have feelings for this other woman... However, I still have them , but I hope they will diminish in good time.

 

I am finding it hard, but like the O.P said, it's not about me feeling sorry for my self, clearly.

 

Your wife is a saint and has a huge heart. It's a shame that you don't appreciate her or what pain you've caused her. You are putting ANOTHER woman ahead of her and one day you will regret focusing so much on someone else rather than your own wife. The OW KNEW you were married so she's not some innocent victim in all this. the victim here is your wife.....

 

The way to let go and move on, rid of feelings for the OW is to leave her alone and stop all contact.

[Mrs. John Adams]

See... I wasn't throwing those darts... I was actually being nice...

 

We on this forum are very limited... We don't know the dynamics between you and your wife. We don't know the whole story. We don't know her side of the story.

 

You came seeking advice... Should I contact my other woman.

 

Unanimously the answer has been no.

 

Now... Katielee gave you an answer to your next question.. How do I approach my wife with the truth...she said to write a letter with the whole story.

 

Good advice.

 

You say you are handling things your way... Yes... Yes you are. Does that mean you are doing just fine and you don't want any help?

 

Because if that's what you want.. You can ask moderation to lock this thread .

If you want more advice... Then that means being honest... And that means people will throw darts. Waywards are not highly respected around here. Mostly because many here are betrayed spouses. You won't get much sympathy... But you will get plenty of harsh reality.

 

You see... No one here is going to feel sorry for the choices you made all by yourself... But they will feel sorry for your wife who had no say in the situation you have put her in.

 

You might want to ask to have this moved to the other man other woman forum... If you don't want the criticism you are receiving here.

[still_an_Angel]

You have already decided to stay in your M and let your OW go.

I understand that despite your decision to stay, you still have strong feelings for your OW, and she may be feeling the same, or maybe not.

 

 

Your OW has already been through hell and is now on another painful journey in her life, she has had her share of pain with her decision to have the A with you.

 

 

Now you have to deal with yours on your own, its best to leave her alone.

Your decision to stay married should be YOUR closure.

[Ladyjane14]

NC (No Contact) is a tactic, popular among adultery partners, for bringing the married person to heel. You'll see its manipulative properties and understand how it's designed to make you become the pursuer. It will also remove some of the glamour from your eyes.

Edited January 24, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[wmacbride]

The person I feel really sorry for in this situation is your wife.

 

The poor woman has been told you cheated, but is being denied the right to her feelings because your ex-ow is terminally ill. She's also being guilted into having to accept your contacting her because your ex-ow is ill.

 

 

Leave the ow alone to find her own way in her life. She's got enough to deal with right now without hearing from you.

 

If you absolutely feel you must contact her, then send her message that says you are sorry for hurting her. No call nor expressions of love required.

 

Put that in your pats, and address your future, which is your wife and your marriage. Be honest with her, and allow her to feel any way that she does.

[privategal]

She hasn't reached out to you so she is moving on and if you love her you will not interrupt her healing and bring the affair back up. Her hurting because you are with your wife wont change. Next Christmas she will want you there as well. Please let her keep going.

[lemondrop21]

 

NC (No Contact) is a tactic, popular among adultery partners, for bringing the married person to heel. You'll see its manipulative properties and understand how it's designed to make you become the pursuer. It will also remove some of the glamour from your eyes.

 

 

 

 

NC can be used manipulatively but the intent, if used properly, is to gain space in order to heal and move on. There are many OW/OM using NC for that reason, not to try and lure their AP back into the affair.

Edited January 24, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Ladyjane14]

 

NC can be used manipulatively but the intent, if used properly, is to gain space in order to heal and move on. There are many OW/OM using NC for that reason, not to try and lure their AP back into the affair.

 

[] He'll also note the addictive qualities of electronic contact, and hopefully he'll begin to see how that stimulates the reward center of the brain. It's truly enlightening to see it in action.

Edited January 24, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact content related to other threads/forums

[sandylee1]

As your OW is terminally ill... NC will not be an issue. You need some counselling to sort your head out though.

 

If you don't want to remain married..then be honest with your wife.

[Ladyjane14]

OP, you would also be wise to note the addictive qualities of electronic contact and understand how it stimulates the reward center of the brain. It works very much the way cocaine does. It's not the substance itself which produces the euphoria, it's the chemical reaction within the body. These contacts are like getting a drug. Endorphins, adrenals, hormones... secreted into the system and extending addiction. Studies have shown this reaction to be measurable on MRI.

 

Cold turkey is best. No Contact. Burn the bridges behind you by closing up any previous methods of contact.

[ladydesigner]

I swear, there is only one married man that cheats and he gets around A LOT. Because they all sound pretty much the same.

 

So, you didn't mention your wife at all, aside from the fact that you aren't going to leave her.

 

Forget she existed? Except on paper as a detail?

 

You seem to be pretty thoroughly versed on OW and how she's possibly feeling, although no action on that forefront either.

 

So what are you looking for exactly?

Support in gaining "closure"? Which 99% of everyone knows is just a BS excuse to re-engage with the OW you have no intention of doing anything for.

 

Which, really, if you have any sense regarding the circumstance, you should not be doing anything for.

 

Perhaps it's time to be honest with both women.

 

You've used both. The only difference is that OW should have been able to fire up a few neurons and realize that you were married, and that married men who cheat are typically users of the highest order.

 

Your wife though.... Lucky woman. Gets to be just one of the women you COULD impregnate this year.

 

So why don't you lay your cards out in the table with your wife. Be honest. Tell her the truth. You cheat. You lie. You imoregnate other women with children you have no intention of raising and are relieved when they miscarry. And you require special closure, regardless of how anyone else may feel.

 

Don't give the usual wailing platitudes of how your wife is too " cold / angry / scary / mean" or my personal favorite " her happiness means too much to me and I don't want to 'shatter her world' by showing her that her happiness actually meant squat to me when I was effing OW without protection."

 

Don't minimize it. Don't hide behind FOO issues or because "back in 1998 my wife missed a concert I bought us tickets to because she had a headache." Just be straight for once in your intimate relationships.

 

Take some responsibility for yourself. Know that actions MEAN SOMETHING and there's only one person in charge of those actions: YOU. Not "OW's feelings," not even "wife's feelings." Super-sparkly, cheater YOU.

 

Know that just because special YOU has a feeling, doesn't mean that you don't have a brain and can figure out the consequences of making poor choices.

 

She called you, "Soulmate?" Really? Soulmate?

 

Stick around on these boards for more than two threads and you will see what a SADLY STEREOTYPICAL PATTERN this is.

 

In fact "Soulmate" is pretty much code word for "Affair Partner that I am engaged with this year."

 

Soulmate is crap we used to talk about in, wait for it JUNIOR HIGH! Past the age of fourteen the only time I heard it used it real life was when my roommate in my early 20s thought his girlfriend who screamed like a cat when they screwed was his "soulmate." But I don't blame the guy. It was his very first ever girlfriend and he was waaay behind on the learning curve in that category. They lasted 4 months. "Soulmates" indeed.

 

You know what position deserves front-and-center attention in life. Soulmate. No, no that's not right. Wait, what was it? Oh right....your ACTUAL MATE. You know? That person that you committed to be faithful that doesn't know you impregnated another woman?

 

Your ACTUAL MATE who isn't busy right now spilling out Junior High platitudes that is probably doing a whole bunch of stuff, both low and high-cost behaviours to invest in a life with your cheating self. That one. The one you won't leave but haven't stood by either.

 

And seriously MM, in the course of a lifetime marriage there are going to be lots of sparkly "soulmate types" who flash before your eyes.

 

That's part of why we COMMIT TO ONE ANOTHER. Not because any of us thought the words sounded good bouncing off of a church or courtroom wall.

 

We commit to forsake the "OW that just 'gets us.'" The "$25 Craigslist hooker." The "45 year-old Cougar Sugar Momma" or the "nice lady at work whose husband clearly neglects her."

 

We forsake the whole lot. And give to our ACTUAL MATE.

 

And if our ACTUAL MATE is totally ridiculous, (like, say, CHEATING) we get a divorce. Because no one should have to be totally stabbed in the back or suffer through being made a total fool of in a selfish, deal breaking way.

 

And somehow, somehow you think your biggest problem is that you need to meet with another woman who due to extremely poor judgment on her behalf, trusted you. She carried you kid, then suffered a miscarriage. (I can't even imagine). Now you have to plow through whatever she's going through to have your CLOSURE.

 

You walk around stabbing people in the back, and now you are upset over lack of "closure"?

 

Your feelings need to be dealt with far more constructively. Because the way that you act out on them is destroying people's lives.

 

Seek counseling for yourself and get straight about who you want to be and what you want from life. Because I am willing to bet my life-savings that you aren't that guy. Unless that guy is spineless, sneaking, cold and doesn't care for his own offspring.

 

Most epic post ever! Should be read by all sides! It's so sadly true!