katielee Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 Lies.... No not at all, which is why I asked for some kind of advice from fellow contributors. TELL YOUR WIFE! that's my advice. Stop making decisions for other people. You have no right! If she would pack up and go well then, you're tricking her into staying married to you. 3
Mrs. John Adams Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 Lies.... No not at all, which is why I asked for some kind of advice from fellow contributors. Did you just say this? She doesn't think I am this fond of her though, otherwise she would pack up and go. That means that you are lying to your wife....and you cannot rebuild a relationship that you have broken by lying to your wife about how you feel about the other woman. This means that you still have feelings for the other woman....and you KNOW if your wife knew that...she would leave. I suggest your first step would be to be honest with your wife about the feelings you have for the other woman. I would suggest you tell her that you are contemplating contacting the other woman to see how she is. I am quite certain your wife will give you advice on how to handle the situation.....and you know it....you know exactly what your wife will say. You don't want advice.....because you already know the right thing to do. You want approval that it is ok to continue to have feelings for this other woman.... You have not received that yet.....and now you are on page two. 2
SoleMate Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 I won't diagnose you as a nasty person. You're a person who has done some cruel, selfish, and careless things. You seem to feel some discomfort, which I believe is why you came here. I think there are a few shreds of regret and shame in there.....Now you have a chance to make your choice. Not the one you think. Rather, you can choose to do the right thing. There will be pain, but the nagging feel of unsettledness and lack of self-regard will start to lift. Doing the right thing means: * Leave the OW alone. Any contact you made would only cause pain. It's the relationship equivalent of dangling delicious-looking (but actually poisoned) candy above a child's head...except that tragically, the exOW is very ill. Doesn't change the advice....just makes it stronger. Do not disturb her efforts to find emotional peace and achieve her own closure. Few things could be crueller than reawakening her hope only to dash it again. You shouldn't do it even for the best reason in the world....but to hand her that agony just to allow yourself some cheap & temporary relief from your nagging feelings - which is what "closure" would mean in this case - is verging on the monstrous. Maybe you didn't know that before, but now you do. SO DON'T. * Be honest with your wife. Sure, it may end your marriage, or at a minimum cause you some extreme domestic chaos and discomfort. But without being honest you can never truly move forward (as we have established you are not an emotionless psychopath). Just one life to live. Good luck!
Author Millwall Posted January 21, 2016 Author Posted January 21, 2016 Did you just say this? She doesn't think I am this fond of her though, otherwise she would pack up and go. That means that you are lying to your wife....and you cannot rebuild a relationship that you have broken by lying to your wife about how you feel about the other woman. This means that you still have feelings for the other woman....and you KNOW if your wife knew that...she would leave. I suggest your first step would be to be honest with your wife about the feelings you have for the other woman. I would suggest you tell her that you are contemplating contacting the other woman to see how she is. I am quite certain your wife will give you advice on how to handle the situation.....and you know it....you know exactly what your wife will say. You don't want advice.....because you already know the right thing to do. You want approval that it is ok to continue to have feelings for this other woman.... You have not received that yet.....and now you are on page two. I have told my wife that I wanted to call her to see how she was..... She is not happy but agreed. I sincerely am aware that it is far from ok to have feelings for this other woman... However, I still have them , but I hope they will diminish in good time. I am finding it hard, but like the O.P said, it's not about me feeling sorry for my self, clearly.
katielee Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 I have told my wife that I wanted to call her to see how she was..... She is not happy but agreed. Mill - if my husband said that his crap would be on the lawn when he got back. And the next time he would see me would be at divorce court. Seriously, expect some fall out from this from your wife. She must be way more understanding than I am. It's not right. And you are further betraying yourself, your wife and this woman. 4
Mrs. John Adams Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 So...you told your wife that you want to call the other woman to check on her...and she is ok with that? Does your wife know you have feeling for the other woman? Does she know you got the other woman pregnant and that she lost the baby? What have you been doing as a couple to repair your marriage? I thought YOU were the op of this thread??????? 3
Lois_Griffin Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 Hey My lady friend knew I was married and our relationship,was incredible. She described me as my soul mate etc. Seriously. Is there an OW out there that doesn't make this nonsensical, childish claim? 3
Author Millwall Posted January 21, 2016 Author Posted January 21, 2016 So...you told your wife that you want to call the other woman to check on her...and she is ok with that? Does your wife know you have feeling for the other woman? Does she know you got the other woman pregnant and that she lost the baby? What have you been doing as a couple to repair your marriage? I thought YOU were the op of this thread??????? She doesn't know about the baby.
katielee Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 OMG Mill - you HAVE to tell her. Do you want to be a man of integrity? There is no way to rebuild anything without her knowing the truth. 1
LifesontheUp Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 I'm still trying to get my head around someone from Cardiff talking about thanksgiving. We don't do thanksgiving. So tell me again, why you are here? What you hoping to understand? 1
Author Millwall Posted January 21, 2016 Author Posted January 21, 2016 How the heck do I broach the subject....
Mrs. John Adams Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 So that is another thing you have not been honest with her about. I am not throwing darts at you....i want you to be honest with yourself...and honest with your wife. You cannot rebuild a relationship built on lies....and lies by omission...are still lies. You still have feelings for your affair partner....and until you face ALL of your demons...you are never going to "get over" her. You owe it to your wife to be completely honest...she deserves that. She may send you packing....then you can go to the woman you have feelings for. Listen...I am an FWW....I have walked in your shoes....I don't throw stones at others. There is a difference in throwing stones and being honest. You are treading on thin ice....and it is about to break. Are you ready? 2
katielee Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 Write everything down in a letter you could read to her or give to her. Have a plan in place you can tell her about for getting yourself mentally healthy and figuring out WHY you did this. (And it has nothing to do with your wife OR your marriage - it's YOU that is broken) Integrity = telling the truth, letting go of the outcome. I get it. I had to confess. It's hard. But living a lie is harder. 2
Author Millwall Posted January 21, 2016 Author Posted January 21, 2016 I'm still trying to get my head around someone from Cardiff talking about thanksgiving. We don't do thanksgiving. So tell me again, why you are here? What you hoping to understand? What relevance is me saying Thanks Giving _ it's a North American website is it not ?
Author Millwall Posted January 21, 2016 Author Posted January 21, 2016 So that is another thing you have not been honest with her about. I am not throwing darts at you....i want you to be honest with yourself...and honest with your wife. You cannot rebuild a relationship built on lies....and lies by omission...are still lies. You still have feelings for your affair partner....and until you face ALL of your demons...you are never going to "get over" her. You owe it to your wife to be completely honest...she deserves that. She may send you packing....then you can go to the woman you have feelings for. Listen...I am an FWW....I have walked in your shoes....I don't throw stones at others. There is a difference in throwing stones and being honest. You are treading on thin ice....and it is about to break. Are you ready? Not really
LifesontheUp Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 You said you exchanged presents on thanksgiving - and you have Cardiff in your profile. Notice you didn't say what you wanted from your posts. So I tell you what, I live close enough, I'll tell your wife whats going on save you lieing. That way SHE gets to make a choice 1
LifesontheUp Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 So you aren't going to be honest.............say no more. Again, what are you actually after from posting here?
Author Millwall Posted January 21, 2016 Author Posted January 21, 2016 So you aren't going to be honest.............say no more. Again, what are you actually after from posting here? I will tell her in reasonable time. Please be aware that you do not know the reason for my predicament, therefore , you should not assume anything. I came on here to ask people's opinions on my situation. i am seeking my own closure.
TrustedthenBusted Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 I've gotten "closure" in the past with several girlfriends. Sometimes I got closure from behind...sometimes I got closure with her on top. Once, I got closure right in the back seat of my truck in broad daylight. Good luck with that.
higgsboson Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 This may have already been asked but, is this woman also married? Just curious. I have no advice for you. My advice to your wife would be to file for divorce.
katielee Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 I will tell her in reasonable time. Please be aware that you do not know the reason for my predicament, therefore , you should not assume anything. you came here asking for advice but won't tell us the whole story? what's the good of that? 2
LifesontheUp Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 I will tell her in reasonable time. Please be aware that you do not know the reason for my predicament, therefore , you should not assume anything. I came on here to ask people's opinions on my situation. i am seeking my own closure. So you want advice but wont explain your predicament.................. 1
LifesontheUp Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 Honesty is the best policy, even in Cardiff don't you know? 1
Author Millwall Posted January 21, 2016 Author Posted January 21, 2016 Did you have a baby with your OW? No, it was lost unfortunately.
burnt Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 Well, I did say in the first post to you that you will hear some harsh words. (Former OW myself). The last time when I spoke with my xMM, he was going to say something; as always I could read his mind and knew exactly what he was about to say and how badly it was going to hurt me. I had told him many times in the past that his words, no matter what he said, always left me with nothing but pain. So this last time, instead of reminding him, I stopped him from speaking and asked him the question "whatever you are about to say to me, will it hurt me?" He stopped; he KNEW, his words would be painful for me to hear. It was time, to not speak; it was time, to accept that I knew what he felt and wanted to say, but also time to accept that the those words were to be left unspoken at this point. So I'll say the same thing to you OP. "whatever you want to say to your OW, will it hurt her?" Whatever it is that you think you want to say to her--she knows it already. If she's in love with you, she already can read you mind and your thoughts. Hasn't she suffered enough? Hasn't she reached her breaking point already? There's just a limit to how much pain someone can endure. Seeing you will cause her pain, BECAUSE she loves you. You don't have to see her to tell her how you feel. She knows. But you have to let her go. Leave her be. 3
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