Millwall Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 Hey My lady friend knew I was married and our relationship,was incredible. She described me as my soul mate etc. I wanted to end things about 4 months ago, however she got sick and I felt she needed my support. Over the next few months the bond between us got closer and closer however it was noticeable that she became more and more upset with our situation and my non committal to leave my wife. Looking back now I can see her point entirely, more so when during this time she miscarriaged our baby. I told her at the time I didn't think it would be good to keep,it as she was very ill and I would end up bringing the baby up, alone. I guess i sound a nasty person ? we exchanged Xmas gifts prior to thanksgiving, and I spent time with my family. She wanted me to spend her last Xmas with her and I refused. She did not wish me a Happy Xmas , so I asked her if I upset her, to which she replied your "with her" and I'm spending time with MY family and friends. I have now had no contact for 24 days and I'm hurting like hell. I am worried I will never see her again , and I miss her terribly. Advice please X 1
burnt Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 Advice please X You already know what responses (including many harsh ones) you will hear here. You already know the advice you need. You already know how the story will end. You already know the only single option you have. No Contact. No Choice. Let go. 5
Author Millwall Posted January 21, 2016 Author Posted January 21, 2016 I feel I need to call her , as I miss her at least for closure
dreamingoftigers Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 I swear, there is only one married man that cheats and he gets around A LOT. Because they all sound pretty much the same. So, you didn't mention your wife at all, aside from the fact that you aren't going to leave her. Forget she existed? Except on paper as a detail? You seem to be pretty thoroughly versed on OW and how she's possibly feeling, although no action on that forefront either. So what are you looking for exactly? Support in gaining "closure"? Which 99% of everyone knows is just a BS excuse to re-engage with the OW you have no intention of doing anything for. Which, really, if you have any sense regarding the circumstance, you should not be doing anything for. Perhaps it's time to be honest with both women. You've used both. The only difference is that OW should have been able to fire up a few neurons and realize that you were married, and that married men who cheat are typically users of the highest order. Your wife though.... Lucky woman. Gets to be just one of the women you COULD impregnate this year. So why don't you lay your cards out in the table with your wife. Be honest. Tell her the truth. You cheat. You lie. You imoregnate other women with children you have no intention of raising and are relieved when they miscarry. And you require special closure, regardless of how anyone else may feel. Don't give the usual wailing platitudes of how your wife is too " cold / angry / scary / mean" or my personal favorite " her happiness means too much to me and I don't want to 'shatter her world' by showing her that her happiness actually meant squat to me when I was effing OW without protection." Don't minimize it. Don't hide behind FOO issues or because "back in 1998 my wife missed a concert I bought us tickets to because she had a headache." Just be straight for once in your intimate relationships. Take some responsibility for yourself. Know that actions MEAN SOMETHING and there's only one person in charge of those actions: YOU. Not "OW's feelings," not even "wife's feelings." Super-sparkly, cheater YOU. Know that just because special YOU has a feeling, doesn't mean that you don't have a brain and can figure out the consequences of making poor choices. She called you, "Soulmate?" Really? Soulmate? Stick around on these boards for more than two threads and you will see what a SADLY STEREOTYPICAL PATTERN this is. In fact "Soulmate" is pretty much code word for "Affair Partner that I am engaged with this year." Soulmate is crap we used to talk about in, wait for it JUNIOR HIGH! Past the age of fourteen the only time I heard it used it real life was when my roommate in my early 20s thought his girlfriend who screamed like a cat when they screwed was his "soulmate." But I don't blame the guy. It was his very first ever girlfriend and he was waaay behind on the learning curve in that category. They lasted 4 months. "Soulmates" indeed. You know what position deserves front-and-center attention in life. Soulmate. No, no that's not right. Wait, what was it? Oh right....your ACTUAL MATE. You know? That person that you committed to be faithful that doesn't know you impregnated another woman? Your ACTUAL MATE who isn't busy right now spilling out Junior High platitudes that is probably doing a whole bunch of stuff, both low and high-cost behaviours to invest in a life with your cheating self. That one. The one you won't leave but haven't stood by either. And seriously MM, in the course of a lifetime marriage there are going to be lots of sparkly "soulmate types" who flash before your eyes. That's part of why we COMMIT TO ONE ANOTHER. Not because any of us thought the words sounded good bouncing off of a church or courtroom wall. We commit to forsake the "OW that just 'gets us.'" The "$25 Craigslist hooker." The "45 year-old Cougar Sugar Momma" or the "nice lady at work whose husband clearly neglects her." We forsake the whole lot. And give to our ACTUAL MATE. And if our ACTUAL MATE is totally ridiculous, (like, say, CHEATING) we get a divorce. Because no one should have to be totally stabbed in the back or suffer through being made a total fool of in a selfish, deal breaking way. And somehow, somehow you think your biggest problem is that you need to meet with another woman who due to extremely poor judgment on her behalf, trusted you. She carried you kid, then suffered a miscarriage. (I can't even imagine). Now you have to plow through whatever she's going through to have your CLOSURE. You walk around stabbing people in the back, and now you are upset over lack of "closure"? Your feelings need to be dealt with far more constructively. Because the way that you act out on them is destroying people's lives. Seek counseling for yourself and get straight about who you want to be and what you want from life. Because I am willing to bet my life-savings that you aren't that guy. Unless that guy is spineless, sneaking, cold and doesn't care for his own offspring. 15
dreamingoftigers Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 Hey My lady friend knew I was married and our relationship,was incredible. She described me as my soul mate etc. I wanted to end things about 4 months ago, however she got sick and I felt she needed my support. Over the next few months the bond between us got closer and closer however it was noticeable that she became more and more upset with our situation and my non committal to leave my wife. Looking back now I can see her point entirely, more so when during this time she miscarriaged our baby. I told her at the time I didn't think it would be good to keep,it as she was very ill and I would end up bringing the baby up, alone. I guess i sound a nasty person ? we exchanged Xmas gifts prior to thanksgiving, and I spent time with my family. She wanted me to spend her last Xmas with her and I refused. She did not wish me a Happy Xmas , so I asked her if I upset her, to which she replied your "with her" and I'm spending time with MY family and friends. I have now had no contact for 24 days and I'm hurting like hell. I am worried I will never see her again , and I miss her terribly. Advice please X And just to add, you "guess" you "sound" like a nasty person? Seriously? No, no, you sound like a FANTASTIC husband and father, who considers others. 5
Author Millwall Posted January 21, 2016 Author Posted January 21, 2016 Ok thank you for your response. My intention is not to cause harm and distress but clearly I have. I feel ashamed to be honest with you.
dreamingoftigers Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 Ok thank you for your response. My intention is not to cause harm and distress but clearly I have. I feel ashamed to be honest with you. Harm and distress to whom exactly? Wife? OW? Well, not to sound vapid, but good thing about the shame. A lot of sociopaths feel none. So you aren't that. Shame lets us know we crossed out internal boundaries. But toxic shame tells us we are "bad people / hopeless" blah blah blah. So is it shame about the action or shame about the consequences or shame about the fact that OW has backed off? What part of it is shameful to you? 4
Noideanow Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 Dont Call her for closure, that is lying to yourself if you in reality want more, and it Will torture her:( find out what you really want, cost what may:) 2
Popsicle Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 We have an entire forum dedicated to OW/OM like you. You may want to check it out. Did it come as a surprise to you that the OW was upset? I guess you have a hard time relating to single people anymore and have forgotten what it's like to be single I do find that most married people live in a bubble and think like a hive-mind. Nothing else exists to them outside of married world. I used to be like this too when I was married.
Popsicle Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 Ok thank you for your response. My intention is not to cause harm and distress but clearly I have. I feel ashamed to be honest with you. Have you been ignored so badly and for so long that you think that you could never cause harm? Do you feel invisible? That you think that whatever you do doesn't cause a reaction or matter?
road Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 I feel I need to call her , as I miss her at least for closure Closure is just a psychobabble word used to break NC. 4
Popsicle Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 I feel I need to call her , as I miss her at least for closure What would you say? Do tell.
Author Millwall Posted January 21, 2016 Author Posted January 21, 2016 What would I say, I'm not sure..... I think you may have an idea though?
Mrs. John Adams Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 Have you shared any of this information with your wife? She may have all the answers for you. 5
Popsicle Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 What would I say, I'm not sure..... I think you may have an idea though? It depends on what you want. If you want to get a hit of the drug or rekindle something, then you tell her how much you miss her and other sentimental things. If you want to express your sorrow that things had to go this way and that you hurt her, then just tell her that you're truly sorry that got her wrapped up in this and that in your time apart you have learned that what you did to her was wrong and that you will be respectful and not bother her again. 1
minimariah Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 if i understood correctly - the OW is terminally ill & is in palliative care. that being said - leave her alone. she needs to be at peace & as happy as she can, you clearly bring her more distress than anything else. if you can't give her what she wants or deserves - then let her go. 5
Author Millwall Posted January 21, 2016 Author Posted January 21, 2016 My sister said to leave it there as it will just open up old scars. I genuinely feel love and warmth towards her but at the same time I was not there for her when she wanted me most of all. Looking through the many topics on here, I can see that I myself gave her false hope, but now she has gone, I am hurting. 2
Popsicle Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 My sister said to leave it there as it will just open up old scars. I genuinely feel love and warmth towards her but at the same time I was not there for her when she wanted me most of all. Looking through the many topics on here, I can see that I myself gave her false hope, but now she has gone, I am hurting. Time heals that.
Author Millwall Posted January 21, 2016 Author Posted January 21, 2016 I will leave her at peace with her friends & family as she knows where I am if she needs me
katielee Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 I will leave her at peace with her friends & family as she knows where I am if she needs me would you be ok with this arrangement if your wife was the AP of a sick man and would "be there" if he needed her? 2
Author Millwall Posted January 21, 2016 Author Posted January 21, 2016 Possibly, due to the circumstances.
Noideanow Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 In her head i think she Will think: i need him but he is not here for me so there is nothing i Can do:( and when i tried he couldnt be there for me why should it have changed now:( it is not fair to lay it on her when you are the one married, i think:( 2
Furious Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 Hey My lady friend knew I was married and our relationship,was incredible. She described me as my soul mate etc. I wanted to end things about 4 months ago, however she got sick and I felt she needed my support. Over the next few months the bond between us got closer and closer however it was noticeable that she became more and more upset with our situation and my non committal to leave my wife. Looking back now I can see her point entirely, more so when during this time she miscarriaged our baby. I told her at the time I didn't think it would be good to keep,it as she was very ill and I would end up bringing the baby up, alone. I guess i sound a nasty person ? we exchanged Xmas gifts prior to thanksgiving, and I spent time with my family. She wanted me to spend her last Xmas with her and I refused. She did not wish me a Happy Xmas , so I asked her if I upset her, to which she replied your "with her" and I'm spending time with MY family and friends. I have now had no contact for 24 days and I'm hurting like hell. I am worried I will never see her again , and I miss her terribly. Advice please X You described her as a lady friend who knew you were married. Reading between the lines I get the feeling you're basically saying she knew what she was getting into therefore you're not completely responsible for the fallout. This is very passive aggressive reasoning on your part. I noticed that your post is filled with....I....I... I am hurting...etc. it's odd that you question if you're a nasty person. Actions speak louder than words, take a closer look at your actions and you'll get your answer as to whether or not you are nasty. My advice Stop hurting people, stop being a cheat and stop feeling sorry for yourself and stop acting like the victim here. 4
Mrs. John Adams Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 My wife knows the situation but we decided to give it another go. Believe me it's been a nightmare throughout. She doesn't think I am this fond of her though, otherwise she would pack up and go. So you are rebuilding a broken relationship with your wife built on lies....? 4
Author Millwall Posted January 21, 2016 Author Posted January 21, 2016 Lies.... No not at all, which is why I asked for some kind of advice from fellow contributors.
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