Worrywart999 Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 (edited) Hi all, first post here. I'm writing about something which has been playing on my mind for a long time now. I had been dating my LDR circa 2 years now, but have not been in contact for at least one of those 2 years. Back when I stopped contact with him I didn't ask for a break or anything... I was in a really dark place with my family and essentially my parent was not accepting of him, and kept insisting I stop contact with him. My parent could see how intense the calls would be sometimes, and a lot of it was my LDR being very fixated on his religion and going too deep with certain things, that overwhelmed me on top of what was going on at home. I had suffered from familial bereavement (before LDR) and a parent getting a mental illness (Beginning few months of LDR). It had been good until the holidays as it gave the parents the means to constantly say to not be in contact with LDR for a bit, and LDR got very very anxious, sending long winded messages that spiked my anxieties to no end. Whilst I was very honest about my own life, the LDR would deliberately hold back certain home family information (their family are very religious and apparently according to LDR hate my religion with a passion despite it being similar. He actively said that his parents would hate me solely for being of a different religion and not want him to be with me, and he would be threatened to being thrown out of his religion and apartment if he were to state that he was in LDR with me. I can't remember if it was also the way he wrote his messages that scared me, though I'm figuring it must have been but I was very bad with communication back then. I tried to people please with everyone but in doing so I didn't please anyone, and that and trying to go through college with all these levels of stress drove me to no end of anxiety attacks. I love my LDR make no mistake of it, and intend on saving myself for marriage, same as him. The only problem is this. During my no contact during a dark period in my life, I was friends with this guy at university and ended up eventually dating him for a period of time. I felt like absolute **** for having done this, but my parents did not want me to disclose info to LDR when we knew so little about him, and there was nobody to literally turn to. I partially dated this ex because of comfort in a ****ty situation, maybe a part of me did like him for being charming and a little like LDR (before finding out this guy was a serial liar)... But I thought ultimately religion wouldn't be the one thing put on a huge pedestal (over love even), but I was so wrong. (I've been in 3 relationships total, if you were to include the ex between the LDR. Essentially though, I broke off with ex for many reasons, including immense guilt over being too scared to talk to LDR about what concerned me with the relationship to begin with. Another was for him being a serial liar... Which is making me wonder if I'm attracting the wrong kind of people, caring but liars. Fast forward a year and me and LDR... we get back in contact. I am in a somewhat a depressive state and my parent knew I really cared for the person, but was too scared to read all the long messages (which probably had eventually turned spiteful). They encouraged me to get back in contact, which I did with the condition of taking smaller steps to rebuilding a friendship and relationship. This was the part where I messed up. He asked if I was dating during that time period, and I blurted out of stupidity no. I am usually a very honest person and I do not believe in cheating at all (never had sex but I consider dating someone else in relationship in itself just as bad), so to have done that was really really wrong and completely out of character on my end. I was scared he would say that I was playing him for a second fiddle (and he actually said that when I said no, and also he sighed in relief). But something just feels amiss about a few things. Despite him saying he does not like to think or do any touching (cheeks, face and neck) or kissing (just the lips) during our meet up, we did exactly that. He watches this one show which is very raunchy (and he knows how uncomfortable I am with looking at that stuff, what's worse is that we were at my home with my parents about. I tend to still hide myself away from it, but for some reason he's suddenly questioning why I'm like that... And tbh, part of it is due to something that happened to me as a little kid and I would rather sharing what happened only with someone I know would be my husband one day. He made me lie to my parents ("bending the truth") and he lied to his parents about visiting a distant friend from abroad. I told the truth to my parents and he wrote a letter to my parents apologising, and explaining that his parents would hate me for being of a different religion but would love me personality wise, which is quite conflicting evidence. He also mentioned getting kicked out of his house if he were to come out about it. He also insulted my religion which is a part of my growing up and identity when I never did this to him, and is always uptight about bad language. We both come from different parts of the states, I'm Canadian and he's American (Minnesota). I actually got to twist his arm in the end and had our parents meet and surprisingly there were no problems whatsoever and they were completely happy with him coming over to stay at my house and use the visitor's bedroom during his stay with my family (I still live at home with parents). My parents are now concerned though that his family might be thinking of converting me to another religion, but I told them otherwise. LDR did after all constantly talk about his religion and freaked out after visiting our religious institution (willingly, I told him he didn't have to go but he wanted to). He looked like he was looking into the pits of hell and essentially said we were puppets being controlled etc. I'm thinking he might be from a cult or something now tbh, because I come from a major religion which is not as he described as all (frankly it was insulting but I didn't want to hurt his feelings and I ended up apologising profusely to him and even went as far as to saying our service isn't as nice as in different times). I end up apologising profusely about a lot, now I think about it. About using words like damn or heck which insults him, apologising about the fact I couldn't take as much time off work whilst he was around else my job would be jeopardised, apologising for not always having the time of day to talk (because I'm actually at work or exhausted about providing continuous care for family members ). I didn't show it as much whilst he was here as I wanted him to see what our area was like, I essentially drove him everywhere which was sweet and fun! He used to always tease me about not getting my licence so when I did (just before he came) I was ecstatic as I could take him everywhere! So here we are now, after having finally met (one of my parents just seems to really dislike anyone I've ever dated and if they so much as heard a complaint they'll go to almost pushing you to go no contact. If you haven't the willpower like I didn't at that one time period, they've essentially won. My parents aren't exactly known for their optimism... They're known for their constant arguments and using their child to dump their negative emotions, responsibilities and **** onto them. I'm also hanging out with my first ever ex (not the one I dated during LDR) as a friend and have no romantic feelings towards him (though he has stated otherwise to me - long story short he was not nice to me in relationship but is a good friend) I don't want to rub it in his face that I have a BF now, but if he asked I would be honest and say I am in a relationship, out of chivalry and etiquette. I'm afraid that if I open up about undisclosed ex, the one during LDR, LDR will suspect me of contact with ex, even if it is completely innocent and just talking about life and work. To be honest I know my fear will be realised, and I will just spiral down into more self hate and low self worth. All of my honest actions after getting back in a relationship will be doubted upon. I would drop my ex as a friend in an instant if it meant proving to LDR my faithfulness now. I love my LDR and they love me. I do feel like they're holding back about things, but essentially I'm holding back too from one piece of data. Asides from this I've been completely honest to him, oversharing my life and giving my love to this person, and I know for a fact if I come clean now it's over. I've invested so much of my love and life to this person, and I've done constant assurances to make sure that I will never get it so bad that I will stop contact completely. I've even had a therapist about bereavement (immediate family member) and ****ty situation. I miss my therapist , but they feel as though I had enough therapy to heal now (and I need them more than ever). Who'd ever want to stay with a cheat, after all? Even though I was greatly influenced by my parents to stop contact and I am always one to keep status quo at home to please them, and times were very very ****ty my end and I felt like I couldn't rely on anyone, this will never ever ever give me the right to have done what I did, or be used as any excuse. I made my grave, I just have to lie in it now, emotionally and maybe because of constant worry and anxiety, physically too, soon. I can't turn to anyone, and I'd completely understand if people tell me here that it's all my fault and I shouldn't deserve to ever be happy. I know I don't deserve it. I've known it all my life that I don't deserve it but somehow I still hope I end up in a happy relationship that eventually turns to something more beautiful, like marriage. I'm in my late 20's as is my LDR. I want us both to be more honest about our time apart before I can establish Facebook official. I'm trying to at least say for now to them that I think we should put our anniversary as the time we started reconnecting, rather than when he first asked me out. Is that wrong of me to ask, considering I know that he too was looking into entering a different relationship when in no contact? I know it was my fault for no contact as I let my anxieties go through the roof (I'm surprised I've never been diagnosed with some form of anxiety disorder I literally end up being left crippled with anxiety), but he also did end up looking in places like online and elsewhere... In short I hate myself for being such a ****ty person in the relationship. I will delete this in a few hours if that's ok with people? I'm not comfortable keeping this all up for too long. Edited January 21, 2016 by Worrywart999
justwhoiam Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 Hi all, first post here. Hi, welcome to LS.
justwhoiam Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 You wrote a lot about yourself and people around you, but I feel like there's a lot that was left unsaid. 1. How far apart are you and your boyfriend? 2. What is your religion? 3. What is his religion? From your post, it looks like you don't even know what his religion is, which is weird, as he talked extensively about it on many occasions. 4. So, if I got it right, you lost someone in your family and one of your parents is mentally ill. Are you getting any type of support? I mean in your daily life. Do you have a social network to turn to in case of need? 5. Does your boyfriend work? 6. Is your boyfriend still living with his parents? 7. What is the deal between you and him if things are going fine with the LDR? Will one of you move and quit their job? I'd like to know about all of the above to have a clearer picture of your situation. Though I must say that you sound very negative in general, very harsh on yourself and feeling undeserving of happiness or a "normal" life. Which is not good, obviously. We all have our faults, and we need to understand how serious these faults are. But most of all, we need to know that issues can be solved and that we can better aspects of our life, or our own behaviors. 1
Author Worrywart999 Posted January 22, 2016 Author Posted January 22, 2016 (edited) You wrote a lot about yourself and people around you, but I feel like there's a lot that was left unsaid. 1. How far apart are you and your boyfriend? 2. What is your religion? 3. What is his religion? From your post, it looks like you don't even know what his religion is, which is weird, as he talked extensively about it on many occasions. 4. So, if I got it right, you lost someone in your family and one of your parents is mentally ill. Are you getting any type of support? I mean in your daily life. Do you have a social network to turn to in case of need? 5. Does your boyfriend work? 6. Is your boyfriend still living with his parents? 7. What is the deal between you and him if things are going fine with the LDR? Will one of you move and quit their job? I'd like to know about all of the above to have a clearer picture of your situation. Though I must say that you sound very negative in general, very harsh on yourself and feeling undeserving of happiness or a "normal" life. Which is not good, obviously. We all have our faults, and we need to understand how serious these faults are. But most of all, we need to know that issues can be solved and that we can better aspects of our life, or our own behaviors. 1. I live in Yukon Canada (literally near to Alaska) and he lives in Minnesota, nearer to Iowa and Wisconsin. 2. I am a Methodist. 3. He is a Protestant (and I think his parents own that particular church). 4. I'm not getting any support any more for the bereavement, and I've never received support for my parent's mental health. Extended family will more likely abandon than help out, and have made things worse. I do have some friends that I hang out with, from college which are sweet but due to caring commitments I cannot go to them much. I see them either twice a month or every other month. 5. He and I work, we're known to be hard working individuals. 6. He lives a few mins walk away from his family I think. 7. The problem is I made a lie about not having dated during NC. I NC'd out of too much pressure and stress in every corner possible, and (it wasn't straight away) one of the friends from college I ended up dating (I broke off and blocked and deleted everything that had to do with them before reconnecting - he's not part of my friendship group and barely any of them know of him, but some family friends who are also not supportive know bits and bobs). The problem is also before and after reinitiation contact there's been a lot of talk about religion and how almost closed minded he seems about it all, when I've always been open to respecting all religions, but to think more about love than religion. His parents would hate me religious wise because I am not their religion and prefer that he'd marry someone who's actually of their religion. I'd half expect this kind of reaction from a strict Muslim family, not Protestants. We are thinking about marriage and the game plan is that we would draw up all the pros and cons of moving to one place and another. We've also thought about moving to Europe if that helps too, as I have dual nationality for Italy? I know what I did was not right, and I kept trying to convince myself that what I did (date someone else for a period of time) was just because I was going through a ****ty time at home. Whilst that was true, I didn't communicate to the LDR really well that things were going really south, and conversations and messaging were getting too intense. My parents weren't fond that I was going out with someone who doesn't live near me and always encouraged me to flirt with other people instead of being supportive about my current relationship. I don't want to tell this to LDR though because I painted them to be such nice people (they are, the mental health bit is a problem I know linked to bereavement.) Chances are I've also got an undiagnosed anxiety disorder but I don't want to assume or think of worst case scenario. In short I dearly feel as though I needed comfort at that time and I mistook that for reciprocating feelings for the person I once dated. They however took a steamy dump on what was going on my end, and was on a self destructive path on their own. I have finished my masters in college so with my award I am able to apply for jobs around the world, however for him it might be a little more difficult. But since for this job it's available around the world, surely he can use his employer as a good work reference? He doesn't mind being a stay at home dad too, and I'm sure there's lots of internships and traineeships which are amazing out there for him, he'd just need to find it and work for it right? If he chooses to move anyway. For me I don't mind a challenge job wise. It's more about whether he can forgive me for that ****ty behaviour of mine that NC year. I share a lot about my life with this person. Almost too much tbh, but I trust them enough to share almost every bit. My problem is though is I don't share how I feel very often, often people pleasing everyone and hearing and taking their point of view without taking or addressing my own. If I do end up addressing it it's too late afterwards. I've been so used to unhappiness in my life... I think I ended up sabotaging something good because I didn't think I deserved it. It went from think to know after dating. Just to clarify I have never had sex ever in case anyone ever asks. I met LDR once and he's told me the same before and after NC. Not that we ask each other, we just tell each other casually. He knows how squeamish I am talking about that before marriage. Edited January 22, 2016 by Worrywart999
Author Worrywart999 Posted January 22, 2016 Author Posted January 22, 2016 (edited) We're both similar personality wise too, except I don't know what he's like at his worse (I know I mess up at my worst and am literally dead to the world). I dislike myself a lot because I don't have much self worth or confidence in myself, especially when my own parents don't feel that way about me. It's hard to have faith when faith and happiness was always hard to come by. I know that I did something very wrong, dating someone during NC but I don't even know where I was at mind wise, just like when the bereavement happened a while back. I wouldn't expect LDR to understand, or ever forgive me. Hell, I've never forgiven myself but I pretend it's all ok because since I've been back I've been ok and happy with LDR. But if that happiness is all based on that one lie, then I am not deserving of it, or his good sweet and kind nature. I just need to be stronger to be honest, to tell the truth, to one day be able to reduce contact with parents as my self worth seems to plummet because they can't see that it's hard being in that concentrated environment all the time, and pretending to everybody that things are ok. I don't want to be in any situation that ends up making me feel like I've got toxic sludge all over me. Though I want people to be understanding and respectful, I find it hard to be as such to myself and push out any concerns in my head because others need care too. Edited January 22, 2016 by Worrywart999
TMichaels Posted January 23, 2016 Posted January 23, 2016 (edited) ... I have finished my masters in college... 2. I am a Methodist. 3. He is a Protestant (and I think his parents own that particular church). His parents would hate me religious wise because I am not their religion and prefer that he'd marry someone who's actually of their religion. You have a Master's degree and you don't know that Methodists are Protestants or that unless we're talking about a cult, someone's family *doesn't own* a church? ... I've always been open to respecting all religions...I know what I did was not right, and I kept trying to convince myself...I wouldn't expect LDR to understand, or ever forgive me. Hell, I've never forgiven myself... Since you have an open mind about religion, why don't you go to your local Catholic church and have a priest hear your confession? It might help you to share your feelings of guilt and blame to help you see things more clearly. ... I kept trying to convince myself that what I did (date someone else for a period of time) was just because I was going through a ****ty time at home. Whilst that was true... conversations and messaging were getting too intense...I dislike myself a lot because I don't have much self worth or confidence in myself, especially when my own parents don't feel that way about me...I've been so used to unhappiness in my life... I think I ended up sabotaging something good because I didn't think I deserved it... I don't want to be in any situation that ends up making me feel like I've got toxic sludge all over me. Though I want people to be understanding and respectful, I find it hard to be as such to myself and push out any concerns in my head because others need care too... ...Chances are I've also got an undiagnosed anxiety disorder but I don't want to assume or think of worst case scenario. I'm not convinced you have an anxiety disorder, but given the thoughts you've expressed you definitely are having issues dealing with your life. Have you thought about going to a counselor to help you get a handle on your lack of self-worth and inability to express your feelings? Holding everything inside, constantly putting everyone's feelings or needs before your own, and incessantly kicking yourself around the block for a decision you made in the past to the point you can't even think rationally about it, is not a good idea nor healthy. You say you work. Does your employer have an Employee Assistance Program? If so, generally mental health counseling is available for a set number of visits for free. If not, can you check to see if there are any other options available locally of which you could afford or take advantage? While I understand how stressful and draining it can be to live/care for a mentally ill family member, that doesn't mean it's ok for you to neglect your own mental health and happiness. I think if you could enlist the help of a qualified professional you'd find dealing with your family and your LDR relationship would be much less stressful and more joyful. Remember, a problem shared is a problem halved. Please give some serious thought to getting counseling which will help you transition to a much better and happier place mentally and emotionally. Best, TMichaels Edited January 23, 2016 by TMichaels
justwhoiam Posted January 23, 2016 Posted January 23, 2016 I live in Yukon Canada (literally near to Alaska) and he lives in Minnesota, nearer to Iowa and Wisconsin. Wow. It takes me less than you do to fly to my man in the US, and I'm in Europe. He is a Protestant (and I think his parents own that particular church). Did you see this article? I'm not getting any support any more for the bereavement, and I've never received support for my parent's mental health. For mental health support: Yukon Mood Disorders Organizations https://www.facebook.com/mentalhealthyukon https://www.cmha.ca/get-involved/find-your-cmha (click "Browse by province", yours is the last one); maybe this is interesting too: https://www.cmha.ca/get-involved/mental-illness-affects-everyone Mental Health Services Help | mindyourmind.ca Breaking down mental health barriers in the Yukon | CTV News You can also search if there's anything useful for you and your family here: Crisis and Emergency : Yukon : Mental Health Services, Help and Support : eMentalHealth.ca (scroll down the table) Yukon HealthGuide And the latest news: http://finance.yahoo.com/news/government-yukon-announces-youth-mental-180000647.html Regarding the bereavement, as I don't know more, it's hard to suggest anything specific for your case. There are associations providing support for a lost child, lost sibling, and others that deal with a certain kind of illness, etc. A couple of addresses that I mentioned above can help about that too. I do have some friends that I hang out with, from college which are sweet but due to caring commitments I cannot go to them much. Are you now the cornerstone in your family? I think that it's a necessity at first, but then when life goes on, you need to find a long-term solution. Because you need to work and have your own life. And having a caring commitment will prevent you from going on with your life. You are not getting any younger, and it's just wise that you think out a long-term solution. You can still be in your family life, but not as the cornerstone. Because that's also a risky position to be in. Think about if anything happened to you: what would you do? So better arrange things well now. He lives a few mins walk away from his family I think. I guess maybe where he lives the climate's better and there are more job opportunities? Moving to a different country you both hardly know would put a strain on your relationship (recognition of degrees not easily done, difficulties learning the language, striving to get a good wage comparable to the one you're used to, different laws with possible less or no workers protection, etc.) The problem is I made a lie about not having dated during NC. Since this is really eating at you, I think you should just tell him. I'm not sure what you mean by "dating" here. Did you make out with that guy? Or where you just going out with him, going places like fast food, or to the movies? It's unclear. On the other hand, your boyfriend didn't behave like a boyfriend. If suddenly your girlfriend doesn't answer the phone anymore, doesn't reply any e-mail, you have no contact with her at all, first of all, I think a boyfriend wouldn't wait a year, he'd rather get on the first plane and go check himself what's going on. So the whole situation with you two is quite foggy. We are thinking about marriage and the game plan is that we would draw up all the pros and cons of moving to one place and another. I might be wrong, but I don't think you had enough time together to think about a marriage. You need to know one another a little bit better. You also need to know your respective families better, before making a life-long decision. And what will be your role in those families once you're out and making your own family. But anyway, if you don't feel at ease sharing what was going on with you during the year apart, ask yourself if you can really feel at ease with him ever. Life will present many other situations like that one you experienced, when you will feel sad, lonely, abandoned, overwhelmed, etc. And marriage starts on a two-seats boat, with no place to run away. Also, it's better that he knows the truth from you, than from anyone else (which might be likely, as many people around you know you were seeing another guy). Just reassure your boyfriend that nothing really happened with the other guy (if it is so). I've been so used to unhappiness in my life Where does all that unhappiness come from? It certainly can't be due to your recent bereavement. So start asking yourself those questions, go to the root of your problems.
Recommended Posts