l2hvn Posted June 6, 2005 Posted June 6, 2005 how do you deal with somebody who has a kid? my bf (of 2 mos) has an 11-year old daughter whom he spends time with every other weekend (although he hasn't seen her this past month, but will be with her for the whole month of July). i haven't met her yet (she lives with the mother and about 300 miles away) but he has told me that i will be meeting his family when they come visit him next month. also, his daughter already knows about me. he told me this early on, and it doesn't really bother me as much. however, i have never been with somebody who has kids. so i don't know how to deal with it. im not sure if im really good around kids in the first place . i don't think i'm the motherly type. i'm a little nervous and anxious to tell you the truth. so many questions like, what if she doesn't like me? i know some of you may think that dating a divorced man w/ a kid = baggage (he got divorced 11 years ago). but im really liking this guy so far, and i want to explore more things with him.... and i want to take a chance with him... any advice? ps. he's 38. im 26.
friskywife Posted June 6, 2005 Posted June 6, 2005 The only advice I can give is, don't be fake, an 11 yr old will sense the BS! I dated a guy with an 11 yr old girl once, it creeped him out when he found us playing barbies ( I was only 20, he was 30)!
Bubbles Posted June 6, 2005 Posted June 6, 2005 Just be a girl with her. Simple really. Be a "big sister" type of person. Since you are going to be one of the adults in the house she will have to listen to you if you have to give her directions to go and do something (wash her hands before dinner, clean up her things.....etc.....) but she also needs to know (through experience) that you do like her around and that you are happy to meet/see her. Honesty.........that's basically what it all comes down to. On the flip side of things.......make sure you are not around too much......she needs her time with just Daddy. Give it to her. Do the two of you live together? bubbles
Merin Posted June 6, 2005 Posted June 6, 2005 Keep in mind that it's more than okay if you're not the "Mom type" because she already has a Mom. I have 2 Little People with my EX and my BF has 2 Little People with his EX.. I told him straight up that I don't want or need him to be my kids Dad, they already have one, and I don't want or need to be his Kids Mom they already have one as well... BUT I do expect him to be cool with my Kids, get to know them and be a Friend.. I wouldn't expect any thing less of myself regarding his Kiddo's. Just be yourself and be friendly... Good Luck
curiousnycgirl Posted June 6, 2005 Posted June 6, 2005 I agree with everything everyone said above. Only thing I would suggest is that you tread lightly in the beginning to get the lay of the land. He may act very differently when his kids are around, in a way you don't appreciate or like. Specifically he may turn into daddy disneyland to compensate for not being with her more often. You cannot step between him and his daughter - CANNOT, CANNOT, CANNOT. Nor should you correct the way he handles her. My friend has this issue with her b/f of 5 years, and to be honest it is what's killing the relationship (well truth be told he's an a**h*** too - but it's all part and parcel).
Author l2hvn Posted June 7, 2005 Author Posted June 7, 2005 thank you all for the advice and suggestions. so, im going to be me. i've always wanted to have a sister so i guess i'll play the big sis part. to bubbles: no, i do not live w/ my bf. we do spend a lot of time together though esp. when he's in town (he travels a lot for biz). merin: thanks for the input. there's no way i can be a mom type. so i guess it will work out just fine. curiousnycgirl: thanks for the great advice. he does spoil her a lot. so, how to start? is it okay if i take her to the mall and go shopping? what do most 11-year old girls like nowadays?
Merin Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 Originally posted by l2hvn so, how to start? is it okay if i take her to the mall and go shopping? what do most 11-year old girls like nowadays? My BF's Daughter is 10.. she isn't so much about the mall YET but things she does like.. Movies, Video Games, Amusement parks, Bowling, Museums (that are inner active) riding her bike, swimming... My oldest is younger than my BF's she's only 7 but she and his daughter like a lot of the same things EXCEPT crap My daughter is all about the mall.... Son of a Don't try so hard, you'll do great
moimeme Posted June 7, 2005 Posted June 7, 2005 Ask her. And try to remember what you liked when you were 11. I found that remembering my own childhood helped a lot when I was stepmom for a few years. Find out what she likes but also expose her to new things. For instance, I remembered that I liked rocks and minerals and that sort of stuff when I was a kid so I took all the steps (four of them - 12 years old to 5 years old) to a rock and mineral show - they all loved it!!! I would get the local free newspapers and check out 'kid' events and take them and they really enjoyed most of them - most were things their mom and dad had never thought of trying. One of my steps really loved cooking with me. So don't only do what she likes but see if you can find new things you can enjoy together.
Recommended Posts