Who is in control of the Friends w/Benefits arrangement?

[Cupcake]

Hey everyone!!!

 

I recently created a dating profile with a telephone dating service. Basically, you have mailbox with a message to describe what you are looking for. People leave messages, and the communication starts there.

 

Anyway, my profile explains that I'm only looking for a "friend with benefits." I got a lot of responses and met a lot of wonderful people. I narrowed my search down to one guy, Jay, whom I thought was the perfect match for me. We hooked up. Everything was great. However, he wants to hook up with me every once in a while, but he doesn't want me to contact him. I can only see him when he contacts me. We both made it clear not to become informed or involved in each others lives outside of hooking up. We definately practice safe sex.

 

I was expecting to have at least a mutual arrangement where we both contacted each other freely. Of course I'm not expecting to see him often. But I would like the benefit of calling him when I'm in the mood for romance, rather than waiting or hoping he will call me.

 

So is this normal for the "Friends with Benefits" situation? Is it supposed to be mutual contact, or just one person in control of everything? What should I typically expect from the situation?

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by Cupcake

So is this normal for the "Friends with Benefits" situation? Is it supposed to be mutual contact, or just one person in control of everything? What should I typically expect from the situation?

 

Um, no. Usually (IME) a FWB is someone you know/have known for a while, are friends with, and you decide to have sex but are both clear that you don't want a relationship. The FWB I had was a mutual situation where I would call him/he would call me - usually a booty call kinda thing, but sometimes we would just be hanging out watching TV or whatever, go back to his room and bang, and then walk back out the the living room and smoke and chat like nothing had happened...in a more relaxed mood!

 

This sounds fishy, I'm sorry. You can't call him but he can call you? Ick, sounds like he's cheating on his partner w/you...

[Cupcake]

Oh okay! Well I don't think he's married. He may have a girlfriend. But I really didn't want to know anything about him like that. We had very detailed conversations about how the situation should work. We both prefered not to get to know each other to well for fear of becoming attatched.

 

I'm just wondering if perhaps I need to be more clear with him about rather he's involved with someone or not. Does it really matter? Does a FWB only work for two people who are not involved with anyone else? If he's involved with someone, and I'm not involved with anyone, is he a good match to be my FWB?

[DacaInaru]

Well I would give you advice if I could but I'm one of those people that does not believe in FWB.. I'm very straight laced and for me sex is so intamate and personal and emotional that getting involved with someone just for sex really does nothing for me...

 

but i'm interested in what others say..

[IhavenoFREAKINclue]

Originally posted by Cupcake

I was expecting to have at least a mutual arrangement where we both contacted each other freely. Of course I'm not expecting to see him often. But I would like the benefit of calling him when I'm in the mood for romance, rather than waiting or hoping he will call me.

 

Exactly...Right there should tell you that you can find a better FWB

 

So is this normal for the "Friends with Benefits" situation?

No. FWB is exactly what it says. FRIENDS with benefits....otherwise he's using you for a booty call.

 

Is it supposed to be mutual contact, or just one person in control of everything?

I don't think you understand the concept of FWB. FRIENDS. Your not in control of anything.....You can either f***...go play tennis, go out to eat. Same exact things that Friends do...but with f***in.... its a beautiful thing if people's feelings don't get involved. i think he's using you for sex.....He doesn't seem like a friend to me.

[blind_otter]

I dunno, depends on how you feel about that. If he's involved I think that would make you more of like an OW (other woman), rather than a FWB, I always assumed with FWB neither were involved.

 

With my FWB we had a mutual thing for years, and when we were in between relationships we would hook up w/each other.

[lindya]

Originally posted by Cupcake

So is this normal for the "Friends with Benefits" situation? Is it supposed to be mutual contact, or just one person in control of everything? What should I typically expect from the situation?

 

Hi Cupcake.

 

I think what you could typically expect from this situation is a lot of married/attached men diving towards the phone as soon as they see that a woman is advertising for a friend "with benefits". FWB strikes me as a relatively new term for the age-old concept of no-strings sex.

 

If that's all you want too, but you're not currently getting enough in the way of benefits then you might think about expanding your circle of friends (always provided you use protection and exercise some caution about who you meet). That way you're likely to get all the romancing you need on tap.

 

Obviously, though, you need to be clear that that really is all you want - and that you're not just using the Friends with benefits line as an attractive, chilled-out sounding piece of bait to hook a more conventional relationship. I'm not suggesting that you are, just asking you think very carefully and honestly about exactly what it is you're looking for here. If it is just no-strings sex, then it might be an idea to create another dating profile.

[Cupcake]

I'm one of those people that does not believe in FWB.. I'm very straight laced and for me sex is so intamate and personal and emotional that getting involved with someone just for sex really does nothing for me...

I understand. In all honesty, so am I. I'm still searching for the right person to come along. Lately, I haven't had much luck with that. In the meantime, I get horny, a lot. It could be years before I meet someone to love. I can't wait that long. Since I always get offeres from men for sex, I'd like to take advantage of it, without having to be involved with multiple partners...if that makes any sense. I just want one person, without having to judge them or me, or rule them out just because they aren't fit to be my husband. I get to have sex, and I can keep my heart open for the right man. I was hoping the FWB was the best way to handle that.

[Bubbles]

It's either 50/50 or forget it......OBVIOUSLY he is already involved if you cannot contact him. If he says that he will contact you when HE is available or in the mood? You should tell him how much you are going to charge him because that sounds about the same arrangement as a call girl.

 

Forget him and move on........there's more fish in the sea darlin' keep lookin'

 

 

bubbles

[crazy_grl]

Originally posted by Bubbles

You should tell him how much you are going to charge him because that sounds about the same arrangement as a call girl.

 

I'd say that's a more accurate description than FWB. The arrangement is completely lacking the 'friends' part. It definately sounds like he's already in a relationship. I'd suggest that you don't go looking for FWB in strangers on the internet. You're likely to get the worst kind of guys responding to it.

 

This kind of arrangement might be right for you or it might not. I think it's certainly better than sleeping with multiple, random guys. It can give rise to its own issues though, and I don't think doing it with some stranger is the way to go about it. It has to be a guy you trust and know is a good guy.

 

Granted, if you don't know anything about each other, you won't develop feelings, but you also might drag yourself into some mess you don't want to be a part of (like a jealous wife looking for revenge) or open yourself up to just being used like this guy is doing. And I personally think the feeling of being used is one of the worst feelings possible.

 

FWB is a type of relationship, and so it has to be give and take. It also must be carefully handled so that one or both don't end up hurt. I can't tell you how to start one, because mine have not been planned. (One was an ex-bf, and we just weren't interested in being a couple anymore. The other was someone who I almost started dating, but then both of us realized that we weren't ready for a relationship yet.) But I do believe that you actually have to have the friends part.

[Cupcake]

Monday evening, Jay called me for sex. After thinking about the situation and reading what you all had to say, I had a more clear idea on what FWB was about. I told Jay that I felt the situation was unbalanced and was missing the "friendship." I thought he would be understanding and try to make it better. Unfortunately, he wasn't.

 

Jay fianally admitted that he does have a GF whom he is in love with. My contacting him occassionally would ruin his relationship with her. So I asked him why he needed a FWB since he has a steady GF. He said that his sex drive is extremly higher than hers. But he's still with her because she's good in every other area of their relationship. I told him he would be better off hiring a prostitute than searching for a FWB. I assured him that I did not want to be "on call" for his commands for sex.

 

Since I still had my own needs for sex and he's the only man I've felt comfortable with so far, I offered to make arrangements with him. We could get together like once or twice a week. That way I know what to expect and don't have to "wait" for him to call. Jay wasn't even cool with that arrangement. He felt that it obligated him to me too much. He also thought it would make things boring because there is nothing spontanious about making plans. So we didn't hook up on Monday. Jay and I agreed never to contact each other again.

Obviously, though, you need to be clear that that really is all you want - and that you're not just using the Friends with benefits line as an attractive, chilled-out sounding piece of bait to hook a more conventional relationship. I'm not suggesting that you are, just asking you think very carefully and honestly about exactly what it is you're looking for here

I'm back to square one! I can't belive that I actually thought the search for a FWB would be easier than searching for a searious and loving relationship. Yet, I'm finding it to be just a difficult. I'm not interested in having sex with a bunch of different guys. Perhaps, I really do need to re-think what I'm looking for. I just want a person whom I can respect and who respects me, and trust to a certain level, enough to have sex with them, without a commitment. That way I don't feel hurt when they have sex with somene else. And I'm still free to find the "right man."

[Bubbles]

Good Gurl! You did the right thing for YOURSELF. I know it must be a disappointment because you were looking forward to some physical attention but.........he is already involved.....he should stay involved. If he is not getting what he needs from his g/friend then maybe he needs to seek out a new g/friend.

 

bubbles

[mental_traveller]

Up to you. If you don't mind being a one-way booty call, then fine. If you want to be in charge or at least 50/50, then lay down the law and finish it if he doesn't comply.

 

Anyway, what's stopping you from finding another FWB who you can call up at will?

[Cupcake]

Anyway, what's stopping you from finding another FWB who you can call up at will?

Good question!! So far, I had over 40 responses from the ad I posted on the dating system a month ago. Out of those 40, I selected 15 to actually talk to over the phone. After hearing their situations and what they were looking for, I chose 7 to actually meet in person. Of those 7, Jay was the only one that I was attracted to. The other men were married. Two of the guys were single, but one didn't have good grooming or hygiene, and the other was a chain smoker and drinks alcohol too much.

 

With this particular dating service, I find that it's the same people over and over. It's only good for about a month when you're a new memeber. Afterwards, it's really down hill. I had 10 responses within the first half hour of posting my ad. Over the course of three weeks, now, I only get like one response every other day, and they are from guys looking for one night stands, or guys I've already spoken to.

 

When I meet guys without the system, like in everyday situations, those guys usually have some type of game they're playing. They want me to fall in love with them. They lie. I was hoping the dating system was a way to be upfront so that no games are being played. Nobody has to lie. Nobody is manipulated.

[mental_traveller]

What's your ad saying? Did you say no married men, no attached men? If not then you should put that in there.

 

Also, you might want to make your ad seem a bit more conservative than what you're actually looking for. If a guy sees a woman explicitly asking for no strings, he'll think he can get away with being an ass, lying etc, because after all it's not a "proper relationship" in their minds. So maybe you should say you are not looking for a serious committed relationship, but don't just want to be someone's booty call or one night stand either. Also try meeting some of the guys you "filtered" out - they might be more interesting or attractive in person than they seem from their profiles.

 

Finally, IMO dating services do not eliminate the confusion about what ppl are looking for. Some people say they want one thing in their profiles, but then it turns out later that they have a different agenda. IMO you still have to clear up their wants once you meet face to face. Never assume they'll be into FWB just because they responded to your profile - double check with them face to face, if you indeed have some chemistry. And ask if they are married, have a gf, when was their last relationship, why are they single etc - ask in person and you can tell better if they are lying, evasive etc.

[lindya]

When I meet guys without the system, like in everyday situations, those guys usually have some type of game they're playing. They want me to fall in love with them. They lie. I was hoping the dating system was a way to be upfront so that no games are being played. Nobody has to lie. Nobody is manipulated.

 

Did you hope that a less conventional dating system would produce a more sanitized arrangement?

[Cupcake]

Also try meeting some of the guys you "filtered" out - they might be more interesting or attractive in person than they seem from their profiles.

I filtered them out because they were married, had bad personalities, or were in horrible situations that just didn't click with me over the phone. The system allows you to check the ads of people who leave you messages. That way you can compare the message they left you to their ad. Out of those 40 guys, some of them left messages in my box stating that they were into the FWB and they were single. But in thier own personal ads, they were looking for "exotic adventures" "one time encounteres" "private affairs" and were married. So I not only caught them in a lie, but I also determined that they weren't really serious about the FWB. That's why I don't think re-considering them is a good idea.

Did you hope that a less conventional dating system would produce a more sanitized arrangement?

No.