Musician Boyfriend Out All Night w/ Little To No Communication

January 21, 2016

I never thought I would post on here, but I feel like I need an unbiased opinion.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 4.5 years, we are both 28 years old. We moved to Los Angeles together 2 years ago so that he could pursue a career in music, either as a songwriter or DJ. When we first moved here, he would go out to networking events or studio sessions once in a while and come home fairly late, say 2-3am, but would normally keep me in the loop as to what was going on. As of about 10 months ago, it started happening more frequently and the nights would get longer and the communication would be less. For example, last Wednesday he left at 6pm to go out for a drink with an old friend from his touring days. Around 10pm he let me know he would be closing out soon and coming home. The next time I heard from him was 6:30am when he walked in the door.

He has a drug (cocaine) problem that he has admitted to me, and has asked me for help with it several times. He usually lets me know if he did cocaine the night before or not, and it's not every time he goes out. When he gets home at 6:30-10am (which happens about once per week now), I am very angry and upset because I didn't know where he was and he doesn't communicate properly with me. I understand that in his industry there are going to be late nights, but what I don't think is fair is the way he communicates with me. He makes up things like "I tried texting you to let you know I wasn't coming home, but the text must not have gone through" to "I lost track of time". I feel like everytime he does it there is an excuse that just doesn't make sense. There are A LOT of hours that happen from 10pm and 6am and for some reason he thinks I can believe that he just lost track of all those hours...

I don't know what to do. I asked for an official break from him last week. I had been very clear about my expectations: if his plans changed from going out for a quick drink to staying out all night at after hours clubs and music studios that he had to communicate that with me. He fails to do it everytime. Am I wrong for expecting this? He goes back and forth between being very upset with his behavior and telling me that he "obviously cannot handle going out because he has control issues" to "this is what I'm working on for my career, and networking is a part of it, and you need to be more flexible". I would not have the same issues with what he does if it a) didn't happen EVERY SINGLE time he went out (I don't even remember the last time he went out and came home before midnight and b) communicated with me.

Please help!! This type of stuff in silo is bad but there are other implications as well... When I stay up all night wondering where he is, I am then tired at my day job the next day. he gets to sleep all day because doesn't have a day job. We then cancel plans with friends because we are tired or fighting, and don't eat healthy because I'm too tired to cook. It is a domino effect on the rest of my life and state of mind.

Edited January 21, 2016 by Canadiangirl22

January 21, 2016

He is a drug addict. He needs professional help that you can't provide. He needs to check himself in somewhere. He has to want change for himself. You cannot do that for him.

January 21, 2016

Am I wrong for expecting this?

You are naive for expecting what you expect. He's a musician in his 20's with a weakness for partying all night and doing drugs. He may be great otherwise, but if this bothers you, you should look for a 9-5er who sleeps in your bed at night.

It's pretty simple.

January 21, 2016

If this were an ordinary disagreement about, say, boys' poker night or some such, I'd give you the standard empathetic problem-solving advice complete with cognitive/behavioral techniques. However, it's hard to compete with cocaine....perhaps verging on impossible. It also doesn't make sense to expect predictability or responsibility from a drug (ab)user....especially one who claims to need to go on drug binges for his "career". Might be time to break up and move on.

January 21, 2016

He says that he only uses cocaine once in a while, but I'm not sure how much of that to believe. This was an email that he sent me recently, see below. He goes back and forth after staying out all night by either a) saying something along the lines of the below or b) defending his actions, telling me he has been working all night and that I don't respect or support his work if I'm upset, and that he doesn't "keep tabs" on me all day when I'm at my day job. Difference is, I'm at the same place everyday and I come home around the same time everyday. I don't know how someone can have such polar responses to their behavior.

" I don't know where to start. I'm clearly on a slippery slope with my behavior and actions. I don't know what is happening. I hate it. I'm making decisions I don't even understand, like buying a pack of cigarettes the other day. I can't control who I'm becoming for some reason. I lost the ability to make good life decisions somewhere along the way. I don't want to be like this. I want to have structure, I want to be with you, I want to be a better person. Hurting you like I am right now is not ok. I'm asking for help from you because I can't get out of this rut that I'm in on my own. I don't know what is causing it or why I'm not strong enough to get my **** together on my own, but I want to change. I've spent the last 2 hours just crying on the couch for the way I've been acting and the way I've been treating you.

"I love you so much and I want to be the person I know I can be, and I want to give you the relationship you deserve. I'll do anything you think will help me. At this point I'm willing to try anything to not feel this way."

January 21, 2016

In live in LA, there are many non 9-5ers. That's not what I'm even looking for, and my issue isn't the late nights as long as he's working, not partying, and let's me know that he isn't coming home and communicates with me about when he is.

Problem is, I don't think he can differentiate himself when he's partying and when he's working.

January 21, 2016

Hi,

Maybe give him a 3 day break, by disappearing on him for 3 days I bet he won't like it.

Actions talk louder....give him his own medicine, maybe he will get it.

Does he make money off of being a musician or he is living off of you ?? Very important to know! Don't let anyone to use you!

He needs to take care of his drug problem and seek professional help. You can maybe take him to a reputable place but ultimately he needs to commit to it on his own, you cannot make him.

A good relationship shouldn't be constant struggle and it should be a two way street. If it's not, you need to cut your losses at one point. It negatively affects your life in many ways and it is great that you are aware of this and that you want a change.

What does he do for you?? You cannot just give, give , give and getting nothing back in return! Try to help him, involve his family too if you need to but don't let him drag you down.

Watch the video under!

January 21, 2016

@Captivating

I wish I could disappear for 3 days! I have a career that requires long days and my attention. We also have a dog and a cat, and I don't want to abandon them.

He makes some money off of being a musician, and pays for half of everything, but I have a suspicion that his parents help him out finacially. He's never admitted it to me and get VERY defensive when I bring up finances.

That's the thing too.. this behavior usually happens 1-2 days a week, and the rest of the week he's cooking dinners, helping w/ all of the household chores, hanging out with me, etc. It's very hard to reconcile this person with the person who lets me down when he goes out. It's like he is so extreme and has two different personalities. But, sometimes, even on the nights that we spend together, he definitely has anger issues. It's almost hard to get him to agree to go somewhere, which is hard to take for me because it seems like he has no issues going elsewhere without me. I don't remember the last time we had a nice night out together or with friends where it didn't end in him getting mad, not necessarily at me, even small things like being a concert and him being annoyed with the ditzy girls beside us... I'm thinking his irritability must have something to do with his lifestyle habits including the lack of sleep and cocaine use (my guess is cocaine is a factor about one every two weeks or so)

January 21, 2016

He says that he only uses cocaine once in a while, but I'm not sure how much of that to believe. This was an email that he sent me recently, see below. He goes back and forth after staying out all night by either a) saying something along the lines of the below or b) defending his actions, telling me he has been working all night and that I don't respect or support his work if I'm upset, and that he doesn't "keep tabs" on me all day when I'm at my day job. Difference is, I'm at the same place everyday and I come home around the same time everyday. I don't know how someone can have such polar responses to their behavior.

" I don't know where to start. I'm clearly on a slippery slope with my behavior and actions. I don't know what is happening. I hate it. I'm making decisions I don't even understand, like buying a pack of cigarettes the other day. I can't control who I'm becoming for some reason. I lost the ability to make good life decisions somewhere along the way. I don't want to be like this. I want to have structure, I want to be with you, I want to be a better person. Hurting you like I am right now is not ok. I'm asking for help from you because I can't get out of this rut that I'm in on my own. I don't know what is causing it or why I'm not strong enough to get my **** together on my own, but I want to change. I've spent the last 2 hours just crying on the couch for the way I've been acting and the way I've been treating you.

"I love you so much and I want to be the person I know I can be, and I want to give you the relationship you deserve. I'll do anything you think will help me. At this point I'm willing to try anything to not feel this way."

Girl, this is the cocaine talking, OK? Trust me, I've been there. Whatever he tells you he's doing, multiply that by at least two, maybe three. It's gotten to the point where it's affecting his decision-making, whether it's to stay out until 6:30 in the morning doing god knows what, or buying cigarettes. He says he can't control it, well, no, that's what happens with addiction.

I'm glad I guess that he sent you that email, but ... is there anything behind it? Is he willing to go to rehab? Or to stop using at least? Or is it the tearful ramblings of a man on a come down?

A couple of years ago I had a FWB who not only used, but he sold coke, too (small time). He claimed he could stop whenever he wanted, didn't need it, blah blah blah. Mind you, he made his supplemental income by selling antiques at flea markets, so it's not like he was ever a 9-to-5er, either. But he polished up his resume one day, shaved his mustache, stayed sober, netted three interviews and got a job. His clean and sober act lasted about a week until he called me one day and I could tell immediately that he was high. That way pretty much it for me.

You can either wait around til he hits rock bottom or you can see yourself out. Unless he's serious about getting some help post-haste, this will continue to cycle for another few months. If you do stick around, just try to not take things too personally—it's not that he doesn't care about you, he's just in the grips of an illness. That, by the way, doesn't mean you should stay with him, rather something to keep in mind when he continues to lie and stay out for 12 hours at a time and send you blathering emails. If you stick around, this will be your life or the foreseeable future.

January 21, 2016

@Captivating

I wish I could disappear for 3 days! I have a career that requires long days and my attention. We also have a dog and a cat, and I don't want to abandon them.

He makes some money off of being a musician, and pays for half of everything, but I have a suspicion that his parents help him out finacially. He's never admitted it to me and get VERY defensive when I bring up finances.

That's the thing too.. this behavior usually happens 1-2 days a week, and the rest of the week he's cooking dinners, helping w/ all of the household chores, hanging out with me, etc. It's very hard to reconcile this person with the person who lets me down when he goes out. It's like he is so extreme and has two different personalities. But, sometimes, even on the nights that we spend together, he definitely has anger issues. It's almost hard to get him to agree to go somewhere, which is hard to take for me because it seems like he has no issues going elsewhere without me. I don't remember the last time we had a nice night out together or with friends where it didn't end in him getting mad, not necessarily at me, even small things like being a concert and him being annoyed with the ditzy girls beside us... I'm thinking his irritability must have something to do with his lifestyle habits including the lack of sleep and cocaine use (my guess is cocaine is a factor about one every two weeks or so)

Again, yes. Irritability is a definite sign of cocaine use, especially if they can't get a hit then or they're coming down.

I don't want to put unnecessary fears in your mind, but if I were you I'd wonder if he wasn't using at home as well. I mean, if he's home most of the day, and you're gone at work, that's a great opportunity to use.

Again, not trying to paint a bleaker picture for you, but I've learned that with cocaine, the use is ALWAYS more frequent than they let on.

January 21, 2016

Girl, this is the cocaine talking, OK? Trust me, I've been there. Whatever he tells you he's doing, multiply that by at least two, maybe three. It's gotten to the point where it's affecting his decision-making, whether it's to stay out until 6:30 in the morning doing god knows what, or buying cigarettes. He says he can't control it, well, no, that's what happens with addiction.

I'm glad I guess that he sent you that email, but ... is there anything behind it? Is he willing to go to rehab? Or to stop using at least? Or is it the tearful ramblings of a man on a come down?

A couple of years ago I had a FWB who not only used, but he sold coke, too (small time). He claimed he could stop whenever he wanted, didn't need it, blah blah blah. Mind you, he made his supplemental income by selling antiques at flea markets, so it's not like he was ever a 9-to-5er, either. But he polished up his resume one day, shaved his mustache, stayed sober, netted three interviews and got a job. His clean and sober act lasted about a week until he called me one day and I could tell immediately that he was high. That way pretty much it for me.

You can either wait around til he hits rock bottom or you can see yourself out. Unless he's serious about getting some help post-haste, this will continue to cycle for another few months. If you do stick around, just try to not take things too personally—it's not that he doesn't care about you, he's just in the grips of an illness. That, by the way, doesn't mean you should stay with him, rather something to keep in mind when he continues to lie and stay out for 12 hours at a time and send you blathering emails. If you stick around, this will be your life or the foreseeable future.

@losangelena Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. It is very helpful to have people that are willing to talk with me.

Let me ask you this..would would your response have been if I had never mentioned any cocaine use? I can only go off of what he tells me but he did say the other night that he hadn't used in about 4 months. He still did the same behavior during those 4 months... so could his behavior be more than just the cocaine use? Is it possible that he has an addiction to "staying out"? I think he must be confused himself too, as I mentioned above, sometimes he tells me I'M the wrong one and that he's just saying yes to everything while out that may result in a gig or a working music relationship. Other times he writes/says stuff like that was in the email, where it's clear he thinks it is HIS actions causing the problem.

From my point of view, it's very hard to know how to deal with this when he keeps flip flopping on whether or not he is sticking by his decisions to stay out or if he is regretting them.

January 21, 2016

Let me ask you this..would would your response have been if I had never mentioned any cocaine use? I can only go off of what he tells me but he did say the other night that he hadn't used in about 4 months. He still did the same behavior during those 4 months... so could his behavior be more than just the cocaine use? Is it possible that he has an addiction to "staying out"? I think he must be confused himself too, as I mentioned above, sometimes he tells me I'M the wrong one and that he's just saying yes to everything while out that may result in a gig or a working music relationship. Other times he writes/says stuff like that was in the email, where it's clear he thinks it is HIS actions causing the problem.

From my point of view, it's very hard to know how to deal with this when he keeps flip flopping on whether or not he is sticking by his decisions to stay out or if he is regretting them.

If none of this is fueled by cocaine (Which I highly, highly doubt; cocaine users above all lie), then I would say two things:

A) that your BF is a jerk who, despite repeated requests from you, cannot do you the courtesy of sending you a midnight text telling you he'll be out late, or B) that if he's only doing it 1 or 2 times a week, that you should just let it go, accept that he might be out late those nights, and try to accept it.

That's if no drug use. But I highly, highly doubt there's no drug use. Because it's L.A. and he's with music industry people and he stays out til morning. I don't know how old y'all are, but I haven't had an out-til-sunrise night in many years. There's almost no way he could sustain that pace without drugs. Also, no one is "addicted" to going out, not unless there are enticing things on offer while out; and despite many a musician having a nocturnal lifestyle, a lot of industry types do maintain normal hours. Do you really think Jay-Z became successful because he stayed out til 6:00 every morning? No, I doubt it.

Even if it is advantageous for him to stay out all night and "network," if he's sober, again, there's no reason why he can't give you a head's up.

Something doesn't add up here. His hours, his excuses, his emails, his anger, his crying. All of this screams cocaine to me.

Regardless, I think you have some decisions to make. Namely, do you want to be with someone who is either doing drugs or is so focused on his career that he can't keep you in the loop? If he's not doing drugs, are you willing to let him go out all night and not tell you where he is?

At this moment, I doubt pressing the issue is going to make things any better. If I were you, I would just try to observe as much as possible and see if patterns develop or his behavior grows more out of character.

January 21, 2016

@losangela Thanks a lot for continuing to respond to me here, I feel at a loss and talking through this is really helping. As you can imagine, I can't exactly go to my parents or siblings and tell them about cocaine use... At least I don't want to.

We are both 28 by the way. I'll be 29 this year.

I agree that something doesn't add up. The excuses just don't make sense. He's literally told me that he's tried calling our house phone (****ty service in our LA concrete building). Home phones don't lie, and he's never on the missed call list.

I also agree that if he's sober, he should be letting me know if he's not coming home. Problem is, since it's been this way for so long (lying, potentially staying out for non work-related things), I don't know how I could ever gain the trust back. We didn't do it right from the beginning, and with his lifestyle I don't know how we could get back on track. I'm not going to tell someone to not pursue their dreams, but when it puts me in a position of being disrespected, I don't know if I can handle it. I just wish he handled himself better from the get go, then I would not care if he was out late 1-2 times a week because I could trust that he was working and not partying and lying.

I don't know if I agree with you about waiting around to observe. We are technically "on a break" (he moved his stuff into the 2nd bedroom), and I don't know how much longer I can go on living together but broken up. It is way too hard on me. Since the break, his behavior hasn't changed, I just no longer have the right to actually get upset when he doesn't come home (which he has done 3 times already since I asked for the break mid last week).

January 21, 2016

I don't know if I agree with you about waiting around to observe. We are technically "on a break" (he moved his stuff into the 2nd bedroom), and I don't know how much longer I can go on living together but broken up. It is way too hard on me. Since the break, his behavior hasn't changed, I just no longer have the right to actually get upset when he doesn't come home (which he has done 3 times already since I asked for the break mid last week).

Oh, I missed that part, sorry!

Went back and reread your OP.

Questions:

Are you broken-up, broken-up, or just taking a break?

Have you decided what it will take for him to come back into your good graces?

Have you decided what it will take to push you over the edge for good?

Are you interested in waiting this out?

Do you have somewhere to go so that you're not stuck in an ever-increasingly awkward situation?

To answer your original question, keeping in mind the details you've shared, I wouldn't say you're "wrong" for expecting him to keep you informed, I just don't think it's going to happen at this point, certainly not now that you've stepped away from him and he's sleeping in the other room.

I personally think you should find your way out of this situation. Your relationship isn't insignificant, though, and you did move to L.A. to support him in attaining his goals, so I can see how letting him go, especially if he does have a legitimate drug problem, is hard, but really, he's not showing you the kind of respect you want and/or deserve, so that doesn't leave you with many good options.

January 21, 2016

@losangelena

To answer your questions:

Are you broken-up, broken-up, or just taking a break? We are on a break.

Have you decided what it will take for him to come back into your good graces? In order for me to try again at our relationship I would need him to come to the table with concrete action, including the first step at seeking help for a potential addiction. I think he needs to see someone about that, and have urged him to do so many times. I would also need a concrete plan of action of how we are going to proceed with when he goes out...problem is I feel like we have come up with that many times and he constantly does not follow through on what we've agreed on.

Have you decided what it will take to push you over the edge for good? Yes, I think I am almost there to be honest. I asked him to sit down on Monday to talk. I really want to ask him if he would be happy with the choices he was making if not for being in a relationship and hurting me with his decisions. If his answer is yes, then I'm not going to force him to change and clearly we are not meant to be together right now. Unfortunately, I was unable to have that conversation because he said he was "too busy". I'm very hurt that I'm the one that asked for a break, expecting him to pull out all the stops and try and win me back, and instead he's now the one that is actively wanting space and not wanting to talk.

Are you interested in waiting this out? I'm in a unique situation in LA.. I'm on a work visa here that is up in September 2016. I love my job and was hoping that our relationship would lead to marriage. However, I don't think his behavior is something that I would want to marry, and he's made it clear he's not interested in that right now in his life. Long story short, I don't want to break up and move out alone in a city I don't have too many close friends/family in, to just leave in Sept. I'm worried that based on this I will just carry on in our current situation. I have to face the bigger picture here that my visa is up in 2016 and he's made it clear that we are not going to get married and he does not want to move back to Canada with me.

Do you have somewhere to go so that you're not stuck in an ever-increasingly awkward situation? I have a few close friends here, but no one I would want to live with. I have no family here, they are all thousands of miles away in Canada.

I agree, I feel like I don't have any good options. I leave someone I care about for the way they are treating me, or I stay and try and see if the good outweighs the bad. Either way, after answering some of your questions, I don't think I can ignore the long-term fact that we don't really have a future together based on him not wanting to get married.

January 21, 2016

Are you interested in waiting this out? I'm in a unique situation in LA.. I'm on a work visa here that is up in September 2016. I love my job and was hoping that our relationship would lead to marriage. However, I don't think his behavior is something that I would want to marry, and he's made it clear he's not interested in that right now in his life. Long story short, I don't want to break up and move out alone in a city I don't have too many close friends/family in, to just leave in Sept. I'm worried that based on this I will just carry on in our current situation. I have to face the bigger picture here that my visa is up in 2016 and he's made it clear that we are not going to get married and he does not want to move back to Canada with me.
Do you have somewhere to go so that you're not stuck in an ever-increasingly awkward situation? I have a few close friends here, but no one I would want to live with. I have no family here, they are all thousands of miles away in Canada.

I agree, I feel like I don't have any good options. I leave someone I care about for the way they are treating me, or I stay and try and see if the good outweighs the bad. Either way, after answering some of your questions, I don't think I can ignore the long-term fact that we don't really have a future together based on him not wanting to get married.

Well, I wouldn't let your visa status dictate how long you stay in a bad situation. You're in a bad situation, and that needs to be dealt with first. You're living with a man who you may or may not be broken up with, who may or may not be doing drugs, who's the only reason you're in L.A.

Can you leave early and go back to Canada? If you like your job so much, can you move out and just live somewhere else for the next 8 months? What about him, what's his visa situation?

January 21, 2016

You've received some good advice here, and it's unfortunately apparent that this situation is at a crossroads. You can care about someone and acknowledge that the dynamics are increasingly unstable and not beneficial for your emotional health. Even with your own bedroom, if you choose to live with him for the next 8-9 months, it's going to be an increasingly stressful situation.

It sounds like you've started the process of disengaging from both him and the relationship and that's the best thing you can do for yourself at this point. Have you talked to your family and friends about what is going on? If not, I'd strongly encourage you to do so. Get your finances in order, see if there is any way you could afford a studio apartment (not easy, I know), and take your pets with you (due to his erratic lifestyle and behavior, I wouldn't leave them behind, even if that means giving them to a relative or friend to take care of until you move back).

January 21, 2016

I could write a book on this. I was around lots of musicians, both professionally and personally, from local ones to ones signed to labels. I know what musicians do. I've been on every side of it. I know that one job of their personal manager is to keep their wife from surprising them and catching them on the bus partying it up with girls. They will detain the wife in holding pattern until the runway is cleared.

I know that a few of them say they don't cheat, but it's only because their definition of cheating is different from yours or mine. Like, in the late eighties, the coda was BJs, not intercourse. And this would be for a guy who maybe was engaged to be married and considered himself in love.

Most local musicians I got to know well became musicians because they loved music, yes, but also to get girls. Musicians will all cheat. Because the temptation is too great. Because this is one reason they wanted to do this. Because they can. Famous musicians sleep not with hundreds of women but with thousands. It's pretty much every day they're on tour and then some. Local musicians have lots of opportunities as well.

The other thing you should know is if he is really into his music in a genuine way, that comes before anything else. I never had a problem with this aspect. In fact, it's what I wanted. But if you ever go to a guitar convention, you will notice the men are not even looking at the women. They're looking at the guitars and palling around with each other. The band is their real wife. I don't mind that, because that's a good musician. But a serious musician isn't going to put his wife and family first usually. In his mind, he may be, but the band comes first. I had a guy who said he loved me and was adamant and desperate about us being together who up and disappeared for an entire week when someone booked studio time. Granted, this was before cell phones. But he wasn't even thinking about it at all. I was totally eclipsed by this event. I wouldn't have minded at all, but I was a bit worried as he'd been going through something personal as well.

Hours: With musicians, they sleep all day and nothing happens usually until 10:00 at night or later. If they're playing, that is. It's always late nights. Up all night, sleep all day.

Drugs and alcohol: It's not easy to get away from them if you are out touring and playing at clubs. I met a guitarist who made a point to let me know he was in his first year of AA. He told me he has to carry orange juice with him at all times because fans constantly try to buy him a drink. He tells them it's a screwdriver.

No sex during first year of AA either. I spent some time on their tour bus (really liked these guys) and saw it all. Saw the singer holding a flashlight down two strippers mouths looking for sores right before the lounge door closed. Watched one of the two strippers try to drag the guy in AA back there with them and him having to fight her off and shut the door in her face. Not only the fans give them drugs but their management or even label sometimes will as well to get them up and moving for an interview after they've only slept 4 hours. Cocaine isn't as rampant as it was back then, but you hear more about meth or crack or heroin, which is way worse. He is the one who can do anything about it. You can't do it for him. What you can do is draw your line in the sand and uphold whatever standards you feel you must have to be happy. And if that doesn't work, walk away.

Sex, drugs and rock n roll. It's not just a saying. Just like being a musician is one of the hardest ways to make a living and only people who are driven and who would do it for free and can't imagine anything else should do it, dating one is the rockiest road to take. You have to be just as into their music as they are to even have a chance. You have to at least understand the temptations and how to them, this is living a dream and that they may not be willing to keep anyone around who tries to curtail it. Because it's just too much fun. Does that keep them from cloying to someone and leaning on them? No, it does not. They usually have more than one woman they are leaning on and getting nurturing from or mooching off of.

$$. Musicians if they're real genuine creative musicians are usually crap with business and money. It's a left brain/right brain thing. Likewise, usually can't be depended on in an emergency. YOU will be the dependable responsible one. You will get tired of it.

If all you are asking for in the midst of all this is a phone call, and he can't give you that, he's just seeing how long he can get away with it and how much you'll put up with. It's not that he wants to break up. He wants you to just be there but let him do whatever and whoever he wants. I don't know about you, but as much as I've loved a couple of musicians, I never once deluded myself that they were marriage material.....

Edited January 21, 2016 by preraph

January 22, 2016

My brother-in-law is a musician. He plays in a band regularly. He keeps in touch with my sister. He goes home after the gig. He's happy to spend time with his family. He is sober and goes to work the next day (he teaches music). Although networking is part of the music business, there are times when your guy will not be talking to others. He could contact you then.

The email from him sounds as if he is falling apart and knows it. At some level, he feels out of control. How do you expect him to respond as a normal guy if he himself feels he cannot control himself? I agree that it's probably a drugs issue and he knows that if he continues with the habit, you might leave him. He probably lied to keep you.

I think you are right to take a break. Choose three things you want him to change and then get those three points across. Keep it simple. He already knows anyway but just so he has no excuse. Be prepared for this not to work though. He may decide at this point he will do anything not to lose you, but you could be in a for a long and confusing ride if he doesn't get help.

Edited January 22, 2016 by spiderowl

January 23, 2016

My brother-in-law is a musician. He plays in a band regularly. He keeps in touch with my sister. He goes home after the gig. He's happy to spend time with his family. He is sober and goes to work the next day (he teaches music). Although networking is part of the music business, there are times when your guy will not be talking to others. He could contact you then.

The email from him sounds as if he is falling apart and knows it. At some level, he feels out of control. How do you expect him to respond as a normal guy if he himself feels he cannot control himself? I agree that it's probably a drugs issue and he knows that if he continues with the habit, you might leave him. He probably lied to keep you.

I think you are right to take a break. Choose three things you want him to change and then get those three points across. Keep it simple. He already knows anyway but just so he has no excuse. Be prepared for this not to work though. He may decide at this point he will do anything not to lose you, but you could be in a for a long and confusing ride if he doesn't get help.

@spiderowl

I feel like I've had that conversation with him about 20 times over the last 10 months, I've been very clear about what I expect and he agrees to do it and then it just happens all over again. How am I to believe or think that this time is going to be different just because I took a more drastic step and asked for a break?

January 23, 2016

You've received some good advice here, and it's unfortunately apparent that this situation is at a crossroads. You can care about someone and acknowledge that the dynamics are increasingly unstable and not beneficial for your emotional health. Even with your own bedroom, if you choose to live with him for the next 8-9 months, it's going to be an increasingly stressful situation.

It sounds like you've started the process of disengaging from both him and the relationship and that's the best thing you can do for yourself at this point. Have you talked to your family and friends about what is going on? If not, I'd strongly encourage you to do so. Get your finances in order, see if there is any way you could afford a studio apartment (not easy, I know), and take your pets with you (due to his erratic lifestyle and behavior, I wouldn't leave them behind, even if that means giving them to a relative or friend to take care of until you move back).

@o'malley he's told me before that he would "take me to court" if I tried to take the dog with me. I agree though, it's not a good situation for a dog to be left in if he's gone for 10+ hours at a time.

January 23, 2016

@spiderowl

I feel like I've had that conversation with him about 20 times over the last 10 months, I've been very clear about what I expect and he agrees to do it and then it just happens all over again. How am I to believe or think that this time is going to be different just because I took a more drastic step and asked for a break?

I'm sure you have. I was only suggesting a way of keeping the message simple and maybe doable for him, but if you've already had this conversation multiple times with no result, I can understand how frustrating that is. The fact that you are suggesting a break when this must be so painful for you shows you are fed up of empty promises. I sense a turning point here and that he has pushed you too far.

The problem with a break is that it can become for ever. I think you know that though and you've had enough. It sounds like you are finally saying no to him. He may give up on the relationship, but although a relationship breakdown is a painful loss, there is the prospect of a better future ahead with someone else maybe. There is pain in letting go but there is also relief and hope too. I wish you all the best.

Edited January 23, 2016 by spiderowl

January 23, 2016

If you stay in LA, you can offer to keep the dog for him when he's gone. If you move, whether you can take the dog (besides he loves it) depends where you're moving to. You can't take dogs across many borders. And then of course, not all apartments take them. If he had a house with a backyard and a dog door, then he could be gone without messing the dog up.

January 24, 2016

....he's told me before that he would "take me to court" if I tried to take the dog with me....

Since he has trouble dialling the phone, I suggest he will not be able to take all the many methodical steps required to legally retrieve a piece of property from someone. It's an empty threat. Also quite an offensive one.

He's a drug addict, there can be no happy future with him.

January 30, 2016

Hey there... you had gone back and forth with me a lot on this.

We had a talk the other day and apparently he thinks that the reason he is 'acting out' is because he is uncomfortable with the dynamic we have created at home. He thinks that because he works from home (and I am at work at a corporate job 9-7), he is expected to walk the dog more, do the vet visits, do more grocery shopping, etc. He says that because he feels he is expected to do those things, that means his work gets interrupted and in turn he thinks that I don't respect it as much.

I have some thoughts on that... I mean, the person who works from home doesn't have the commute or doesn't have to be at their desk by a certain time, and doesn't have to spend the time getting ready in the morning. I do understand part of what he's saying though.. and he agrees that it's not an excuse for his behavior. He also stated to me that he feels very strongly that even though we've been dating for 5 years and are both 28 years old, that we should be focusing on our own careers. I am, but I am also able to balance a relationship. I think by him saying that, he is admitting that music is his priority and everything else comes second. I just don't know how I feel about that.

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Musician Boyfriend Out All Night w/ Little To No Communication

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