Relationship 4 years. BU 1 month ago. NC 2 weeks.

[DarkHorizon]

Hello,

First post.

 

I was with this girl for four years. She is a lot younger than me (half my age), and she appeared in my life not long after my wife passed away. There was a very short transitional period.

 

We were very happy together, but looking back we both needed someone really badly - I was dealing with grief and the prospect of loneliness; she was coming from a short, but very abusive relationship. We soon moved in together, and had a wonderful time. We traveled overseas, and were living a married life.

 

I had problems with alcohol, and sometimes would be verbally abusive. Three ugly incidents happened during the relationship. The last one back in September. The next morning I signed up for anger management therapy and stopped drinking on the spot (until today, absolutely zero alcohol, and no cravings of any sort).

 

In November, a friend of a friend from Europe invited himself to stay with us for a week, and we agreed. When he arrived, our relationship was in a bad place, but we were still trying to work it out. The problem is that, around that same time, she lost her job, and had all the time in the world. She took him all over town, while I wasn't joining them because I had too much work. The more they hung out, the more depressed and jealous I became, and started avoiding both. Needless to say, they became closer - and she even told me he became a good friend and a confident. Obviously, that made things even harder for me.

 

Then, after he left, they kept writing to each other. A LOT. To the point that I had to ask her if it was really just friendship. She said yes and that I did not have to worry about it at all. But she was getting more and more distant. At some point, I couldn't take it anymore and checked her Facebook messages. There, I found out that he was in love with her, and that something had happened on his very last day. When I confronted her, she cried, apologized for not telling me, but said all they did as "an innocent cuddling", and not sex. I was devastated.

 

At that point I asked her if she would be willing to stop communication with him and start working on our relationship. She agreed that what she did "could be considered inappropriate", told him I knew everything, and then he got upset and blocked her on Facebook. A week later, I come home and see her crying... when I ask her what it happened, she just says she had to leave for a while. As soon as she leaves, I check her email, and she is basically begging him to talk to her and unblock her from Facebook, saying she had very strong feelings towards him.

 

As soon as she arrives home, I confront her again. She gets upset I checked her Facebook and email, blames me for sabotaging myself and the relationship, and leaves me. That was mid-December.

 

Since then, only very little contact (emails about lease contract, bills, etc). Very formal. For the past two weeks; NC.

 

I am still very hurt. Very disappointed. Sometimes I blame myself for everything. Sometimes I see her as very manipulative. I do not plan to contact her ever again. Maybe all she is doing is having a platonic relationship with the guy - there is no way she can move to Europe, and I don't think he is planning to move here either. But regardless, she 1) hid and lied to me about what she was doing, and 2) left me when I confronted her about her real feelings for him. I just think he was the catalyst, and she was just unhappy with the relationship and ready to leave me.

 

Maybe I jumped the gun. Maybe I was being too clingy, obsessed and desperate, but at the end of the day, I just wanted to a clean, honest relationship. I broke her trust by invading the privacy of her communications. She broke my trust by hiding and lying about her emotional disloyalty - if "cuddling" is really all that happened that last day. Who knows.

 

I would imagine you all agree that NC is the way to go. I don't think she feels guilty about anything. Other friends told me that her explanation for leaving is that she gave me way too many chances, and just can't be with me anymore. When she tells others about what happened, she just says that I used to drink too much and behave badly, but she never mentions anything about her relationship with the European guy.

[RandomTraveller]

Hello,

 

Maybe I jumped the gun. Maybe I was being too clingy, obsessed and desperate, but at the end of the day, I just wanted to a clean, honest relationship. I broke her trust by invading the privacy of her communications. She broke my trust by hiding and lying about her emotional disloyalty - if "cuddling" is really all that happened that last day. Who knows.

 

I would imagine you all agree that NC is the way to go. I don't think she feels guilty about anything. Other friends told me that her explanation for leaving is that she gave me way too many chances, and just can't be with me anymore. When she tells others about what happened, she just says that I used to drink too much and behave badly, but she never mentions anything about her relationship with the European guy.

 

It's amazing how much we try to defend ppl we love or loved despite their cruel actions. I did the same.

 

Nope, you were not too obsessed, all you wanted was the truth and you found it. She cheated, she is wrong. There are no excuses in my opinion for this kind of ****.

 

Cheating is for weak people that are unable to leave their relationship first. Unless they have an open relationship but then is not cheating anymore.

 

Imo you should do whatever you can to maintain no contact and improve your life. Maintain focus on you, not her. After a few months passed you will see her in a very different way

[Captivating]

DarkHorizon,

In a way you guys were both responsible for the current situation. However, more so

her.

 

If she agreed on working on your relationship she shouldn't have run off with the first man who is willing to comfort her. You were slaving away, making a living while they are having fun, living off of your money. She loves and gobbles up this new found attention. Why did this guy stay at your place in the first place?

 

You have the right to feel betrayed, that's how she acted and conducted herself.

She developed an affair in your own home taking advantage of you and your feelings. "Innocent cuddling" my ass. When you question her she lies straight into your face.

Furthermore she cannot take responsibility for her own wrong doing and blames only you, telling only half of the story.

 

So, she should have been honest with her own feelings for you and your relationship before she agreed on working on your relationship.

This time she messed up and she needs to own up to it and work very hard to get back together. If it is an option.

Yes, no contact is the way to go for you to heal. It is a good way to clear the air, have a grip on your emotions and start seeing things more clearly, objectively, don't put her on the "pedestal". Try to look at what each of you did for each other and the relationship.

 

I would probably move on, I know it's hard, it will get better!

 

Although I must say, people do make mistakes that they regret later on. She will too, I'm sure. Watch the video under here!

[DarkHorizon]

Cheating is for weak people that are unable to leave their relationship first. Unless they have an open relationship but then is not cheating anymore.

 

Imo you should do whatever you can to maintain no contact and improve your life. Maintain focus on you, not her. After a few months passed you will see her in a very different way

 

Thank you so much. It is fascinating how reason vs emotion work during this period. In some moments of clarity, it is SO obvious to see that she wanted out and just didn't have the guts and/or maturity to do it, but in moments of emotional confusion, I start having all these delusional and compulsive thoughts trying to validate her actions.

 

Even after a month, and just a couple of days of NC, I feel stronger and more confident. Of course, there are ups and downs throughout the day and night, but it is already a lot easier. I definitely see her in a different way already. Not as a bad person, but as a weak, immature, and coward person.

 

I read something really wise here the other day: if they leave you, there is no point in begging, or running after them. You might do all that before it is over. But they already showed you how much effort they were willing to put on the relationship - none. NC is the only card you still have left to keep your dignity. And, honestly, who cares WHY they left you? The reasons are no longer important since there is no longer a relationship. We still have to respect their decision to leave, even if we don't respect anything else about them.

 

And IF they decide to ever try to come back, then it is up to you make a decision. We just have to ask the simple question... Is the "price of admission" worth it, or do I want to watch that movie again?

Edited January 21, 2016 by DarkHorizon

[DarkHorizon]

Why did this guy stay at your place in the first place?

 

Thank you so much for you words. At first he stayed with us because we had common friends and we were willing to host him. Now, really early during his stay he knew we were having problems. He never volunteered to go to a hotel. I was upset and confused about it. She also didn't know in the beginning. Later, he actually confessed to her that he had developed feelings for her and that's why he didn't go to a hotel. Clearly, every single word of "comfort" he had for her had a second intention behind it. She fell for it. Or she didn't care, since she was getting the comfort that I wasn't providing.

 

Furthermore she cannot take responsibility for her own wrong doing and blames only you, telling only half of the story.

 

So, she should have been honest with her own feelings for you and your relationship before she agreed on working on your relationship.

 

She is still telling only half of the story to all our mutual friends, and her family. She KNOWS that if she tells the whole story, it will look really bad. It's about her reputation. She is so delusional that I won't doubt that she might actually believe she did nothing wrong, just so she can keep the guilt at bay. For how long, or if that is even possible, I have no idea. The mind can do incredible things to protect itself and the ego.

 

As far as what she could have done... gosh. If she wanted to be with him, she should have ended our relationship. If she was tired of the relationship and wanted to move on, she should have just told me and moved out. It would be devastating? Of course. But not even close to hiding, cheating, blaming me, and still leaving me.

 

This time she messed up and she needs to own up to it and work very hard to get back together. If it is an option. Yes, no contact is the way to go for you to heal. It is a good way to clear the air, have a grip on your emotions and start seeing things more clearly, objectively, don't put her on the "pedestal". Try to look at what each of you did for each other and the relationship.

 

I am in the process of "removing" her from the pedestal. It's working. NC makes me think more clearly. I made horrible mistakes. I called her names, I said terrible, inexcusable, unacceptable things to her. I regret immensely, but I own it all. I asked for forgiveness, and she did not forgive me, which was her right. I also took concrete steps to become a better man and not allow that to happen again, like the therapy group and stop drinking. It is all about responsibility and ownership. What did she do when was confronted with her mistakes? She left. Run away. Overnight.

 

That's what little kids to when they break a glass. They don't stay to talk about what they've done.

They run away and hide. As fast and as far as they can.

Edited January 21, 2016 by DarkHorizon

[DarkHorizon]

Watch the video under here!

 

The video you posted is excellent! Thank you so much

[Captivating]

Any news since then ?? How are you feeling? Are you OK?

[DarkHorizon]

Any news since then ?? How are you feeling? Are you OK?

 

Thank you for asking, Captivating.

My most recent post is here:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/567178-car-places-phone

 

(Not sure if the link will work)

 

Still very hard, but I am feeling a bit better this week. Everyday there is a new coincidence, a car in the street, an old note I find. There is a lot of back and forth in my mind. It's really like a drug, and I am going through the withdrawal period. The video you showed me was incredibly helpful. Again, my mind is in the right place; I know exactly how to look at the picture. It is just my heart that insists in hijacking my thoughts.

 

As far as news, well, I found out she moved down the street, hence more chance encounters are bound to happen. Once in a while some friend will start telling me things, like how depressed and lost she is, etc., but I don't think that has anything to do with the loss of the relationship. She is just depressed about life in general. At that point I tell my friends right way that I don't want to hear anything else. I don't want to know anything about her at all.

Edited January 26, 2016 by DarkHorizon

[Captivating]

Awww....I'm sorry that you are hurting.

You know, I am kind of pro reconciliation....although everyone up here is

"MOVE ON ". I had past relationships that we could have saved with a little effort,

and swallowing our pride. Sometimes we do the stupidest stuff.

Sometimes the timing is not right. Someone is too immature, but later it would have worked out.

Sometimes we realize whom we have when we have lost that person.....so she might be devastated losing you. She might have taken you granted before, that you will be there for her no matter what.

It's good that you have standards and boundaries, that's respectable.

Has she reached out to you?

[DarkHorizon]

Awww....I'm sorry that you are hurting.

You know, I am kind of pro reconciliation....although everyone up here is

"MOVE ON ". I had past relationships that we could have saved with a little effort,

and swallowing our pride. Sometimes we do the stupidest stuff.

Sometimes the timing is not right. Someone is too immature, but later it would have worked out.

Sometimes we realize whom we have when we have lost that person.....so she might be devastated losing you. She might have taken you granted before, that you will be there for her no matter what.

It's good that you have standards and boundaries, that's respectable.

Has she reached out to you?

 

You are right about the timing.

You are right about the immaturity.

Maybe one day she might look back at these past four years and realize they were actually great.

But that might or might not happen, and if it does, it could take several years. Her self validation is a self defense mechanism, and that behavior rarely changes. In her case it would need a huge amout of therapy and also self investigation. At this point, I don't think she is considering either.

 

She did reach out before Christmas wishing I wouldn't be alone. Of course I spent it alone, and it was horrible, but I didn't tell her. After that just a few formal emails about rent, etc. She was relatively friendly on Facebook, until I finally blocked her.

[Captivating]

Wow, so you blocked her. It will speed up healing, not seeing her posts, photos etc. Try to occupy yourself with various stuff including hanging out with nice friends, family, talk to them. It can be really helpful.

I read your other post about you guys driving next to each other on the highway, yes, what are the odds.

Do you think that you guys can ever let go of the past, let go of the hurt you guys both caused and maybe reconcile in the future??

 

I am a hopeless romantic, I know

[DarkHorizon]

Do you think that you guys can ever let go of the past, let go of the hurt you guys both caused and maybe reconcile in the future??

 

I am a hopeless romantic, I know

 

I am a hopeless romantic as well, and that unfortunately makes things a lot harder in these situations. Regardless, I rather be this way

 

As far as reconciliation, it would take a lot. Bottom line, she cheated on me and left me. I am not angry at her, and she knows. I am just disappointed and sad, and if she would ever make a serious, honest effort to talk to me, I would listen. No breadcrumbs. When trust is broken, it is almost impossible to recover; we all know that. Yes, I made several mistakes, but my apologies were honest and my efforts (stop drinking, anger management classes) to become a better person and partner are concrete. I would need to see similar efforts on her end. Honestly, I don't think she is even aware of all the mistakes she made, much less interested in change or apologize for her behavior. Until that happens, if ever, I am sticking to No Contact.

[Captivating]

I am a hopeless romantic as well, and that unfortunately makes things a lot harder in these situations. Regardless, I rather be this way

 

As far as reconciliation, it would take a lot. Bottom line, she cheated on me and left me. I am not angry at her, and she knows. I am just disappointed and sad, and if she would ever make a serious, honest effort to talk to me, I would listen. No breadcrumbs. When trust is broken, it is almost impossible to recover; we all know that. Yes, I made several mistakes, but my apologies were honest and my efforts (stop drinking, anger management classes) to become a better person and partner are concrete. I would need to see similar efforts on her end. Honestly, I don't think she is even aware of all the mistakes she made, much less interested in change or apologize for her behavior. Until that happens, if ever, I am sticking to No Contact.

 

DarkHorizon,

 

You ARE such a cool guy !!! Really! I agree with everything you've said. I'm glad you are working on your flaws, that's awesome. Never ever lose your temper in such a way that you disrespect your lady! Verbal abuse and abuse in general is humilating, uncalled for and it is hard to forget.

It is great that you own up to this.

Yes, it is her turn to make things right. I hope that she will fight for you, shows you what she is made of and that she believes that things can work again between you guys.

 

Ahhh....this lovey dovey life is so hard sometime.

In the meantime have an open mind and start looking around, be open to at least conversations with new people. You just never know

[DarkHorizon]

DarkHorizon,

 

You ARE such a cool guy !!! Really! I agree with everything you've said. I'm glad you are working on your flaws, that's awesome. Never ever lose your temper in such a way that you disrespect your lady! Verbal abuse and abuse in general is humilating, uncalled for and it is hard to forget.

It is great that you own up to this.

Yes, it is her turn to make things right. I hope that she will fight for you, shows you what she is made of and that she believes that things can work again between you guys.

 

Ahhh....this lovey dovey life is so hard sometime.

In the meantime have an open mind and start looking around, be open to at least conversations with new people. You just never know

 

Aw thank you so much for such kind words. I learned SO much in the past couple of weeks. When you go through something like this, the first lesson one learns is to be vulnerable. Open up your mind and your heart, Cry, talk about it, trust and accept the support from your good friends. The biggest teacher is the pain itself.

 

Reading these boards are so helpful, and I definitely wouldn't be healing the way I am if it wasn't by the wisdom and support of people like like you. Besides, being able to help others here is another important path towards healing. I mean, we all know well the sort of pain each of us here are experiencing. We understand each other.

 

As far as my ex... she will have to go through this dark alley she chose, and come out on the other side, hopefully having learned a thing or two. That will help her not only in future relationships, but in life in general.

[foam12]

Sometimes age differences are fun because it regenerates us or provides one or both with new experiences. Sometimes they become problematic after a while because they don't have the a lot of life experiences and handle things much differently than one is used to. Just my experience...

 

Side comment - Drink to remember, not to forget

[DarkHorizon]

Sometimes they become problematic after a while because they don't have the a lot of life experiences and handle things much differently than one is used to.

 

Absolutely, and I learned the hard way. Looking back, I can see that I naively applied the same approach, lifestyle, behavior, communication, etc. that I had a the end of my twenty year old marriage to a new relationship with a girl twenty years younger than me. Some friends wondered if I was, subconsciously, "resuming" my marriage through her. Of course, from 23-27 she was changing at a much different pace than I was. It isn't surprising that, after four years, she would see the relationship, me, and herself in a complete different way. She is at an age of changes, and one day found herself living a comfortable, but probably boring life. I don't respect the way she left me (through cheating and lying), but I can't blame her for leaving me. She handled the situation terribly, but probably because she had no clue and maturity on how to deal with in a different way. I imagine she must be pretty lost and confused these days, and scared of the real world out there. Nothing I can do about it -- we all have to learn to be responsible at some point in life. This is her best chance.

[Apparition]

Sorry I am only commenting now, Dark. I can very much relate to your struggles and demons. I, too, have had trouble with alcohol and had to kick it to the curb. I've been in therapy for my issues and am continuing on working on myself. I honestly believe this is your opportunity to improve yourself and become the best man that you can be. I'm also sorry for your loss but believe you have more to give than what you're giving now, man. As for this girl, she did you wrong, it was VERY inappropriate what she did and I would even say it is emotionally cheating. Best thing you can do now is make her regret doing this to you and show everyone, including yourself, the best person you can be.

[DarkHorizon]

Sorry I am only commenting now, Dark. I can very much relate to your struggles and demons. I, too, have had trouble with alcohol and had to kick it to the curb. I've been in therapy for my issues and am continuing on working on myself. I honestly believe this is your opportunity to improve yourself and become the best man that you can be. I'm also sorry for your loss but believe you have more to give than what you're giving now, man. As for this girl, she did you wrong, it was VERY inappropriate what she did and I would even say it is emotionally cheating. Best thing you can do now is make her regret doing this to you and show everyone, including yourself, the best person you can be.

 

Thank you SO much, Apparition. I am really doing my best to become a better person; not for her or for anyone else, but for myself. Sharing and trying to help others here have helped me immensely as well, and I can definitely see a big improvement in the healing process.