Dumped gf last month. Time to go nc?

[Hughes101]

Hi.

 

I ended the relationship lady month with my gf basically because i didn't trust her and she didn't respect me. Caught her in at least 1 lie. She was still going on"dates"well into our relationship until i stopped it. Sexual tension noticed when around certain guy friends. Eye $#@!ing strangers in the street even brushing past them while holding eye contact (while she holds my hand).possibly cheated.. see my other thread.

 

This all made me very insecure and miserable. I got talked out of breaking up a few times before it happened.

 

She was very cut up about it, and very upset. She had texted me a lot since and normally I'm just aloof with my response but I'm starting to miss her again.

 

Odd thing is she is still desperate to have me back.

 

Time for nc?

 

Any other thoughts? I would like to see her again. .

[Learningtowalkagain]

Maybe she was doing those things, or maybe you're just insecure. None of us knows. If you think she's worth the effort than you need to sit her down and tell her your concerns. If she is doing those things, than it sounds like you're more invested in the relationship than her. If she gives you wishy washy answers and she doesn't make it known that she's only interested in you cut ties and go full NC.

[LostOnes05]

You must trust your gut. If she did those things why take her back...do you feel there is no one more compatible? If you do take her back, will she change? If your gut says no...trust it.

[mightycpa]

I think I saw the two of you out, and you're right, she wanted me, I could tell.

 

Actually, I think she's got a great big self-esteem problem, and she is an attention vampire. That's why she was so upset. I'd like to tell you that was about you, but really, it was probably really about the exact same thing that makes her do the things she does.

 

No doubt you got tired of it. Your gut was spot on. Don't worry about her. She'll find her next victim real quick and then you'll be the guy she's eyeing on the street while she's holding his hand. If you're a dog, you'll be tapping that thing while he's at home worrying about where she is.

 

You don't want to be him. Let the next guy be him.

[Hughes101]

Maybe she was doing those things, or maybe you're just insecure

 

I was insecure due to a legit fear of being cheated on.

 

When i discussed this problem with her she said she would never cheat.

 

I couldn't stop anticipating the time months later where she's crying "it just happened". No, it didn't just happen, you paved the way for it to happen by flirting, attention seeking, and building sexial tension. By not being honest with herself about what was going on, she allowed it to happen.

 

(None of this actually happened but i feel she is high risk for cheating).

[266696687]

I was insecure due to a legit fear of being cheated on.

 

When i discussed this problem with her she said she would never cheat.

 

I couldn't stop anticipating the time months later where she's crying "it just happened". No, it didn't just happen, you paved the way for it to happen by flirting, attention seeking, and building sexial tension. By not being honest with herself about what was going on, she allowed it to happen.

 

(None of this actually happened but i feel she is high risk for cheating).

 

The problem here is you. You dumped your girlfriend for an offence she hasn't committed. You are self sabotaging.

 

This is your problem not hers. I'm not even convinced that she is attention seeking or flirting with others. I think you are just perceiving the situation that way. I.e if she is a social friendly person by nature.

 

You need to take a look at yourself here.

[Hughes101]

The problem here is you. You dumped your girlfriend for an offence she hasn't committed. You are self sabotaging.

 

This is your problem not hers. I'm not even convinced that she is attention seeking or flirting with others. I think you are just perceiving the situation that way. I.e if she is a social friendly person by nature.

 

You need to take a look at yourself here.

 

Point is she was entertaining other guys in the relationship.

 

Trust me she was flirting and attention seeking! Read my other thread.

 

Relationships do change men though. And could have brought out some insecurities.. but am i asking too much to ask for loyalty?

[266696687]

Point is she was entertaining other guys in the relationship.

 

Trust me she was flirting and attention seeking! Read my other thread.

 

Relationships do change men though. And could have brought out some insecurities.. but am i asking too much to ask for loyalty?

 

It's your perception that she was flirting and attention seeking. Is it possible that she was just being friendly and sociable?

 

Has she actually ever crossed the line?

 

The problem is still yours! You either trust her or you don't. You can't have a relationship with someone you can trust.

 

You stated in your original post that you finished with her because she had sexual tension (your perception) with a male and made eye contact in the street with another man. hmmm the problem seems to lie with you and your perspective on things.

 

There is no getting around the fact that you dumped her based on a thought you had that she might cheat on you in the future.

 

What you seem to be asking is for her to never speak to or look at another man again which is ridiculous and controlling. The problem is still yours.

 

You are insecure in yourself and this is something you need to work on.

Edited January 25, 2016 by 266696687

[Chi townD]

I don't think she ACTUALLY cheated in the biblical sense. But, she was definitely attention seeking and flirting. Some people say that there's nothing wrong with a little harmless flirting. But, there is no such thing as harmless flirting. Someone always gets hurt.

[DarkHorizon]

I don't think she ACTUALLY cheated in the biblical sense. But, she was definitely attention seeking and flirting. Some people say that there's nothing wrong with a little harmless flirting. But, there is no such thing as harmless flirting. Someone always gets hurt.

 

My ex girlfriend would respond to that saying "but then it is purely your perception, and that would be your problem, since I don't think there is anything wrong with it, and I know I am not crossing any lines. You are the one hurting yourself, because the problem is your perception of my action, not my action itself."

[Alamo657]

Hi.

 

I ended the relationship lady month with my gf basically because i didn't trust her and she didn't respect me. Caught her in at least 1 lie. She was still going on"dates"well into our relationship until i stopped it. Sexual tension noticed when around certain guy friends. Eye $#@!ing strangers in the street even brushing past them while holding eye contact (while she holds my hand).possibly cheated.. see my other thread.

 

This all made me very insecure and miserable. I got talked out of breaking up a few times before it happened.

 

She was very cut up about it, and very upset. She had texted me a lot since and normally I'm just aloof with my response but I'm starting to miss her again.

 

Odd thing is she is still desperate to have me back.

 

Time for nc?

 

Any other thoughts? I would like to see her again. .

 

We all know that kind of girl... she doesn't put a stop to other men flirting with her, and encourage them by being unclear about her boundaries, paving the way for at least emotional cheating.

 

The main problem is that you're no longer alone in the relationship, you're "the guy whose GF flirt with other guys".

[Chi townD]

My ex girlfriend would respond to that saying "but then it is purely your perception, and that would be your problem, since I don't think there is anything wrong with it, and I know I am not crossing any lines. You are the one hurting yourself, because the problem is your perception of my action, not my action itself."

 

Then, I would respond with, "Well, then our perceptions of what is appropriate and what isn't are completely different. And if you can't see it, then there's no reason for us to be talking. Actually, you should be relieved to be rid of someone so insecure."

[Hughes101]

It's your perception that she was flirting and attention seeking. Is it possible that she was just being friendly and sociable?

 

Has she actually ever crossed the line?

 

The problem is still yours! You either trust her or you don't. You can't have a relationship with someone you can trust.

 

You stated in your original post that you finished with her because she had sexual tension (your perception) with a male and made eye contact in the street with another man. hmmm the problem seems to lie with you and your perspective on things.

 

There is no getting around the fact that you dumped her based on a thought you had that she might cheat on you in the future.

 

What you seem to be asking is for her to never speak to or look at another man again which is ridiculous and controlling. The problem is still yours.

 

You are insecure in yourself and this is something you need to work on.

 

Well, touching men in intimate places, talking about sex with guys shes just meet, add to that she has mainly guy friends.

 

No matter how much she denies everything (or you do lol) i will always see this as universally bad behavior of women in a relationship.

[Chi townD]

So, carry on the course and go NC on her. Don't play her games.

[266696687]

Well, touching men in intimate places, talking about sex with guys shes just meet, add to that she has mainly guy friends.

 

No matter how much she denies everything (or you do lol) i will always see this as universally bad behavior of women in a relationship.

 

If she touched a man in his intimate area in front of you then absolutely you are right to dump her. That's highly disrespectful but that's not something you mentioned in your original post. She actually touched his private parts in front of you and others?

 

Just to play Devils advocate here though can you give an example of the sex conversations that she has with men she's just met?

 

The fact that she has male friends is something you have to accept or you move on from her. You can't choose her friends for her.

[266696687]

Well, touching men in intimate places, talking about sex with guys shes just meet, add to that she has mainly guy friends.

 

No matter how much she denies everything (or you do lol) i will always see this as universally bad behavior of women in a relationship.

 

Ok I did just read your previous post and I actually do believe you have some issues to work on. You sound jealous. Nothing more than that and from your post I didn't see any serious offence committed here.

 

1. The comment she made about sex to a guy she just met sounds like curiosity more than anything else. She asked a question it certainly wasn't provocative or in reference to herself in anyway.

2. she touched one of your friends chest and butt (butt by accident). Do you consider his chest an intimate area?

 

It sounds like she wanted your friends to like her so she could be part of the group but instead you've perceived her behaviour as inappropriate whereas I don't see any crime having been committed here. The way you are phrasing things here like saying she touched his intimate area when actually she touched his chest in a friendly conversation makes it seem like you are trying to make her behaviour seem much worse than it actually was and that you are looking for justification or confirmation that you dumped her for a good reason when in actual fact it sounds like you dumped her for your own insecurities.

 

I don't think she has stepped out of line here in anyway or given the impression that she would cheat on you.

 

However I do think this girl isn't the right one for you given your incompatibility so far.

Edited January 26, 2016 by 266696687

[Hughes101]

Ok I did just read your previous post and I actually do believe you have some issues to work on. You sound jealous. Nothing more than that and from your post I didn't see any serious offence committed here.

 

1. The comment she made about sex to a guy she just met sounds like curiosity more than anything else. She asked a question it certainly wasn't provocative or in reference to herself in anyway.

2. she touched one of your friends chest and butt (butt by accident). Do you consider his chest an intimate area?

 

It sounds like she wanted your friends to like her so she could be part of the group but instead you've perceived her behaviour as inappropriate whereas I don't see any crime having been committed here. The way you are phrasing things here like saying she touched his intimate area when actually she touched his chest in a friendly conversation makes it seem like you are trying to make her behaviour seem much worse than it actually was and that you are looking for justification or confirmation that you dumped her for a good reason when in actual fact it sounds like you dumped her for your own insecurities.

 

I don't think she has stepped out of line here in anyway or given the impression that she would cheat on you.

 

However I do think this girl isn't the right one for you given your incompatibility so far.

 

She touched his butt by accident? How the $#@! Can one possibly touch someone's butt by accident.

 

Yes i consider a mans chest as an intimate area.

 

Yes i was jealous. Wouldn't you be jelous if the person you cared about acted this way?

 

Hmm i think this must be a wind up. Come on, where are the cameras?

[Hughes101]

Every guy she knew obviously wanted her. She loved the attention.

 

As a man who's always been loyal in relationships I deliberately stay away from these kind of raports.

 

But seriously, you're kidding me that you think this behavior is acceptable?

[mightycpa]

I can understand you getting all worked up about it then, but you pulled the trigger and shot the puppy.

 

What difference does it make now? You did the right thing for yourself, that's really all you can ask for. At least you weren't a total sap and get cheated on when you saw it coming. What more can you ask for, really?

 

Let it go. She's never going to agree with you.

[Hughes101]

You're right i should let it go.

 

It's been 6 weeks and i still miss her to the point of wanting her back..

 

Struggling to stop thinking about her

[266696687]

She touched his butt by accident? How the $#@! Can one possibly touch someone's butt by accident.

 

Yes i consider a mans chest as an intimate area.

 

Yes i was jealous. Wouldn't you be jelous if the person you cared about acted this way?

 

Hmm i think this must be a wind up. Come on, where are the cameras?

 

You said in your original post that she'd said she went to pat his back and hit his butt instead. It was an accident. You either believe her and trust her or you don't.

 

In this case you clearly do not trust this girl. There's no relationship without trust.

 

I don't think she acted inappropriately but you do and that's what matters here.

 

You believed it enough to dump her. you should take some time to reflect on your behaviour(your level of jealousy and insecurity) to see if your next relationship might benefit from you addressing some of these things prior to getting into another realationship. Move on and learn from it.

[266696687]

She touched his butt by accident? How the $#@! Can one possibly touch someone's butt by accident.

 

Yes i consider a mans chest as an intimate area.

 

Yes i was jealous. Wouldn't you be jelous if the person you cared about acted this way?

 

Hmm i think this must be a wind up. Come on, where are the cameras?

 

Jealousy makes you react and see things a different way. You need to look at the situation and assess whether your level of jealousy was appropriate in the circumstances.

 

Ever heard of the green eyed monster? Jealousy has a nick name for a good reason.

[Hughes101]

Jealousy makes you react and see things a different way. You need to look at the situation and assess whether your level of jealousy was appropriate in the circumstances.

 

Ever heard of the green eyed monster? Jealousy has a nick name for a good reason.

 

You call it jelously, i call it a legit fear of being cheated on.

 

There's a good reason men closely guarded their mates through the ages - when another man had sex with his woman, he could very well spend 15 years raising a child that was unwittingly not his own

 

This still happens today more than you know.

 

To shrug these feelings off as jelously is to bury your head in the sand. I've had gfs that i trust before. . But i won't ignore that gut feeling abs live to regret it.

[266696687]

You call it jelously, i call it a legit fear of being cheated on.

 

There's a good reason men closely guarded their mates through the ages - when another man had sex with his woman, he could very well spend 15 years raising a child that was unwittingly not his own

 

This still happens today more than you know.

 

To shrug these feelings off as jelously is to bury your head in the sand. I've had gfs that i trust before. . But i won't ignore that gut feeling abs live to regret it.

 

You call it legit fear of being cheated on I call it insecurity. Yes people cheat but you have to trust them and respect them (if you love them) until they give you a good and valid reason not too.

 

Your girlfriend did not cheat or give you any real justification for dumping her the way you did. Your fears are your own. She is not responsible for you feeling like you might get cheated on. They are your fears and insecurities. If you loved her and trusted her then you wouldn't feel that way. Trust is key! You don't have trust with this girl at all therefore she isn't the woman for you.

 

What's to say you won't feel the same with the next girl? And the next one? And the next one? Will you still be saying its a legitimate fear? Have you felt this way before with previous girlfriends or been cheated on in the past?

 

The only thing you can control is yourself and how you behave and respond. You sabotaged a potential relationship over a fear of something that hadn't even happened.

 

It's your choice if you want to live unable to take a risk due to a 'legitimate fear'. I'd rather risk getting hurt (and cheated on) than to take no risks at all! You go all in or not at all. You seem to have chosen not at all and that's your right. I wouldn't want to live like that though. Risk free and full of legit fears. im not even sure you realise what you are missing out on but if you don't take chances you'll never know.

 

Normally I always tell people to trust their gut if they feel something is wrong then they are usually right. However in your case the reason I'm not saying that is because you behaved with jealousy and jealousy causes a very distorted perspective which is why I suggested you look at yourself first and the way you responded to the situation.

 

 

Once you've had time away from each other and really had time and perspective to assess the situation, if you honestly believe you did the right thing then it was ultimately the right thing for you to do. Moving on and going NC should be next.

Edited February 1, 2016 by 266696687