weylyniw Posted January 20, 2016 Posted January 20, 2016 My exBF of two years and I split up. Our relationship was wonderful and we were best friends. We mutually agreed to split due to differences in values. I want to do the marriage/kids thing and he does not. While I don't need to be married tomorrow, I do want to pursue a relationship with someone who shares those values and he is adamant against both. He is also moving to pursue other work, which would make us long distance--been there, not something I want. I respect his opinion/feelings and, while I'm very sad it didn't work out, logically it can't continue. So we mutually split and I told him the friendship thing would only make it messier, we should go NC for some time. He dragged his feet but agreed. It's been six months of a rollercoaster since then. I have never wanted to be "cold" NC (blocking numbers/social media). I thought we could handle regular NC (although I did unfriend him). Over the past six months he has *Left notes on my door *Posted public Facebook posts that are either sad, loving, or reminiscing--sometimes every day (causing me to eventually block him as it was making me distraught) *Texted me, then apologized *Called me, then apologized *Showed up where he knows I will be (twice) *Drives by my house (a few times, going out of his way on a normal errand to drive by) *Left gifts at my door I love him still. Every time he contacts, I try to gently remind him of why *WE* chose this and it's for the best. Sometimes I do not respond (like in the case of letters/gifts left on my porch). He agrees then goes NC for a few days to a week or two. Then resurfaces. It's difficult on me as well because I do wish things were different and we could pursue a future together, but I also know sticking around and hoping he changes his mind is unlikely to be fruitful and more frustrating. I've been "good" and not initiated any contact with him this entire time, only tried to respond gently and firmly when it happens. No small talk. No continued conversation. Tomorrow he wants to meet to talk and I agreed. I understand I'm part of the problem by entertaining this and past contact. I'm as conflicted as he is at times. I know I could end it by going cold on him but I don't feel I can go there yet.
mightycpa Posted January 20, 2016 Posted January 20, 2016 (edited) First, let's review the facts: 1) You want to get married, have two kids and a dog and a house with a white picket fence. 2) He wants to move away, and even if he didn't, he is adamantly against doing those things with you. (I know not only with you, but still, with you) 3) Adamant:adjective - refusing to be persuaded or to change one's mind. I think I'd show up a little early and bring all that stuff, with printouts of the electronic messages, and leave it for him for when he gets there. I'd also leave a little cover note that says this is what it feels like when someone abandons you and keeps sending meaningless little reminders that he abandoned you. I think I'd close with something like I listened to your point of view, and I understand and respect it. But it's clear that either you don't understand me or you don't respect me. Probably both. So let me be clear: it's time for you to find another nice girl in your new town who you don't want to spend your life with. I don't want to sound mean, but as a point of fact, every minute I spend with you and these silly self-centered breadcrumbs is a complete waste of my time. It's time for you to stop. I cringe for you every time I see any of this. It's not sweet, it's not romantic, it's not even very good. It's hurtful and and weak and it makes me think less of you. This has to stop now.Is that cold? I don't know. I just know that you don't want to show at that meeting and you need to put an end to this one-sided dialog, because he apparently won't. Edited January 20, 2016 by mightycpa 1
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