joyuez Posted January 20, 2016 Posted January 20, 2016 Met up with a guy I met online and we spent pretty much the whole day together. At one point we went to a bar and were close to each other and he started holding my knees, I enjoyed it and was surprised by how nice it felt (I haven't dated in three years). He then leaned over to kiss me and I turned my head to the side and looked down as I felt shy. He then said "I want to kiss you" and I kind of shook my head. Later in the night we went to another bar and he tried to kiss me again and I moved my head to the side and he kissed my cheek. Then again as he was leaving he tried to kiss me again and I said "I'm just shy.... and it's been 3 years" and he said "all the more reason to let me kiss you". We gave each other with a hug and a promise to meet again soon. I let him know when I got home and thanked him for having a lovely time and he replied he should be thanking me and he wants to meet up soon. I wonder if to some I am considered some kind of a tease or something? A friend has said I am giving mixed signals and need to make up my mind what I want. **tl;dr:** Me [30 F] with a guy I like [30 M] three weeks, first date after meeting online - didn't allow him to kiss me on a first date. Am I being unfair and sending him mixed signals?
angel.eyes Posted January 20, 2016 Posted January 20, 2016 Huh?!? Many women don't kiss on a first date. It's a preference. To follow your friends'argument to its logical conclusion, if you refuse to have sex on a first date, does that also make you a tease? 2
angel.eyes Posted January 20, 2016 Posted January 20, 2016 By the way, what was your response when he texted that he wanted to see you again?
Author joyuez Posted January 20, 2016 Author Posted January 20, 2016 By the way, what was your response when he texted that he wanted to see you again? Well I found 'soon' to be really vague... I joked about that. He's going on holiday on Friday and I don't know how soon 'soon' is :/
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 20, 2016 Posted January 20, 2016 Met up with a guy I met online I suspect that it depends on how much you shared while online before you met, which helped to bring about his overly-assertive moves on that first date. Any significant amount of time shared online prior to meeting tends to make the more shallow minds feel a distinct shared intimacy which (normally, only alcohol can inspire after a few minutes of a first meeting). The most likely answer is that the guy is the sort who thought/perceived that you two were intimately familiar, and that his advances were fully appropriate. He probably isn't very deep. 1
hippychick3 Posted January 20, 2016 Posted January 20, 2016 You're not required to kiss on a first date regardless of how much you flirt. I rarely kissed on a first date but was still asked out for a second date probably 9 times out of 10. If the guy likes you enough and you give signals you are interested in seeing him again, he will ask you out again.
xcupid Posted January 20, 2016 Posted January 20, 2016 Kiss him when you feel you're ready to kiss him, not because he wants to kiss you. You explained the situation too him. Enough said.
Buddhist Posted January 20, 2016 Posted January 20, 2016 Well he was pretty persistent, three knock backs and he's still giving it a go. That's more than most guys would stomach. I don't think your refusal is really going to turn this one off tbh. He sounds very experienced and knows how to play the game. Up to you whether you want to pursue this or not. But if you do reciprocation of some kind will be in order within the next few dates. 2
Author joyuez Posted January 20, 2016 Author Posted January 20, 2016 Well he was pretty persistent, three knock backs and he's still giving it a go. That's more than most guys would stomach. I don't think your refusal is really going to turn this one off tbh. He sounds very experienced and knows how to play the game. Up to you whether you want to pursue this or not. But if you do reciprocation of some kind will be in order within the next few dates. To be fair, he was drunk and so was I.
angel.eyes Posted January 20, 2016 Posted January 20, 2016 Ummm, that's not an excuse! The vast majority of guys, drunk or not, respect your boundaries when you state them and repeat them. The fact that this guy totally ignored them should concern you. Well he was pretty persistent, three knock backs and he's still giving it a go. That's more than most guys would stomach. I don't think your refusal is really going to turn this one off tbh. He sounds very experienced and knows how to play the game. Up to you whether you want to pursue this or not. But if you do reciprocation of some kind will be in order within the next few dates. This is spot on!! OP, all sorts of red flags went off as you described how things unfolded on the date. This guy is pushing the envelope like nobody's business with very little regard for your personal boundaries or concern that his continued aggressiveness might offend you. Guys may try once and stop at least until the next date. The occasional guy with balls of steel might try a second time at the end of the current date. This guy just kept trying and trying his luck through all your excuses until the date ended. He's there for the physical and clearly a little challenge like your shyness isn't going to deter him. The date was just window dressing. IF he comes back for more, don't be surprised at things escalating at warp speed...or at his ghosting once he's gotten what he came for. No late night dates or second dates at his (or yours) with this one. His script is so obvious, it's painful. My advice if you're looking for someone to date or a LTR, would be to throw this fishy back in the pool. You have different dating agendas. Of course, if you're looking for a quick hookup, then have at it. 2
tasev1 Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 (edited) Here's my view: BEFORE in the way-when, my personal rule would be to not want to kiss for at least 3-5 dates in (as such, I never even made it that far). Guys are constantly getting the message from both genders, that if you don't kiss by at least the 2nd date, then the women will generally not consider you a romantic / lover, and label you a friend or just not date any more at all. In theory, if this guy did a FANTASTIC job at seducing you, you probably would have kissed him back. Based on a few clues and lack of information, I don't know that he did. In my case, I am myself now making it my goal to kiss on the first date....but ONLY if I feel the right vibe and can successfully interpret the woman's signals. Because I am not accustomed to that feeling, I myself would be very cautious about it too....but I am a person that tends to be friended very often and I want none of that any more. Edited January 21, 2016 by tasev1
smudge21 Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 He was definitely super keen and not shy. I'd have stepped back after the first failed attempt, felt a bit bad, made light of it and hoped that the night could continue without any bad feelings or pressure. Hopefully if you do see him again, he'll not make a move and instead decide to let you take the lead, make sure you are the one in your comfort zone. Like others said, he does come across as a player, but only time will tell, if you're prepared to take it further.
salparadise Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 Am I being unfair and sending him mixed signals? Unfair? No. You don't owe him anything, especially not on a first date. Mixed signals? Perhaps, but this guy seems like he's confident enough that your reticence falls on him like water off a duck's back. He may be the type who revels in challenge, all about the chase... in which case you probably played it extremely well. I think he played it well too; 3-4 attempts despite repeatedly getting shot down, and he's still game! It doesn't take a genius to figure out what's on his mind. Now you have to figure out what's next, and that means understanding what you want and don't want. I'm guessing you want to make sure he's sincere and interested in a relationship, correct? If so then stretch it out past the point where a good player would give up and move on. Secure attachment first, and wait until sometime after that to let him drink from the well. This is the standard female dating strategy from the previous millennium. The risk is that he may be well versed in charming the demure, reticent types and never gives up until he scores, but then high fives his buddies who've been getting the play by play, and moves on... leaving you well satisfied, swimmy-headed but brokenhearted. On the other hand, if you're just up for some good fun, a few nice romps and not much invested in outcomes it will be easier. Proceed sloooowly until you've got him worked into an awful frenzy, then give him a shag (or ten) that he'll never forget and duck out the rear exit when you get up to go to the bathroom. I'm glad I finally found one who wasn't interested in any of this kind of stuff. I suspect that only works for the 50+ crowd though.
Robratory Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 Met up with a guy I met online and we spent pretty much the whole day together. At one point we went to a bar and were close to each other and he started holding my knees, I enjoyed it and was surprised by how nice it felt (I haven't dated in three years). He then leaned over to kiss me and I turned my head to the side and looked down as I felt shy. He then said "I want to kiss you" and I kind of shook my head. Later in the night we went to another bar and he tried to kiss me again I wonder why you were ok with him holding your knees but not kissing you? And if you had spent the day with him and then went and got drunk with him, why didn't you want to kiss him? I'm not saying you had to, but this is the kind of stuff that makes guys go ¯\_(ツ)_/¯, "Who can figure women out?" In any case, doesn't look like you scared him off. I'll second the advice to be wary of him being a player. He does sound a bit slick.
tasev1 Posted January 22, 2016 Posted January 22, 2016 (edited) To be honest, this guy probably won't stick around if you don't make a move with him by the second date. That disparity between you on this matter means you two might not be compatible, or you are simply not ready to delve in. You need to be able to not hold back. Here's another view on my matter. Like I said earlier, I haven't done it myself - however what I want and need in a woman is one who DOESN'T HOLD BACK, and is in her comfortable, feminine place. So if I met a girl that gives me these reactions as you have written - then I would realise she is too much like the person I am trying not to be and move along to someone that could help me grow as a man, instead of hold me back. I am already nervous about kissing on the first date....and if I feel my attempt is welcomed by the end (face turn a couple times is still ok, it takes time to warm up), then I know I have done my job in making her comfortable to be in my presence. Again, let me re-iterate the fact that I am NOT a player, but a person that simply wants the woman to know I am there to be her lover, her sexual partner down the road - and not a friend. And this is me going from never kissing a woman on any date to realizing that it is a reality I should learn to accept. Edited January 22, 2016 by tasev1
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