Infidelity Discovery

[merrmeade]

Background Re Husband's affair with my brother's wife. I'd been out of the country. Our adult son had been with his dad, remodeling aunt's house.

 

Your list reordered according to chronology of my/our history:

• Friends, word of mouth - family
  - Son expressed discomfort with the 'friendship' and encouraged me to ask
  
• Emails, texts - THE PHONE
  - suggestive texts with sexual overtones
  
• OW or OM or their spouse disclose or confront
  confronted OW who partially disclosed
  
• Confession
  BS partial confession - trickle truth dribbled out over time
  
• Private I or own investigation
  later, after confession - my discoveries helped trickle truth
  
• Hotel or restaurant receipts
  plus email order confirmations, bank statements, credit card statements
  
• STD
  yes - realized in retrospect
  
• Other dumb luck
  depends on what you mean by 'luck' and whose
  
• Caught in the act
  no
  
• Caught in public
  no

[Arieswoman]

The DTrain,

My (ex) husband had changed his behaviour, specifically going out more nights of the week apparently to play in a sports team.

 

 

When I complained he laid a guilt trip on me, saying "You don't want me to let the team down do you?"

 

 

He left and I was mad. I thought "Why am I putting up with all this neglect?" and decided to follow him and have it out with him, and headed for the sport's venue.

 

 

He wasn't there. The team members suggested he could be at another venue where another team was also playing. He wasn't there either, so I went home feeling very uneasy.

 

 

When he got home I asked how the game went and he spun a long embellished story about the whole game.

 

 

I said "Now that's funny because when I went you weren't there". He went pale and said that it was the other venue and I'd got it wromg. I said "That's funny because you weren't their either".

 

 

I then produced two entrance ticket receipts.

 

 

Busted.

[strugglinghubby]

I actually had no idea my W had been texting and meeting another man which started as an EA. One weekend we were away together and she was a little off, when we got back that night she was still off. Said she needed to go buy some food from the store for lunch tomorrow. I had no thought at this stage that there was an A going on. My gut told me something was off and she had been gone for about an hour, I used iCloud to find her iPhone which showed up in a park. My mind straight away went to her being abducted and raped in a park. I grabbed our 3 year old, put her in the car, grabbed a baseball bat and took off to the park. As I pull in her car and another car pull out together. This meeting was the first time their EA turned into a PA.

 

Looking back I'm actually really lucky I didn't get there 5 min earlier. I would've gone crazy on that guy with a bat and ended up in big trouble, he's a police officer.

[cocorico]

Curious how most affairs, cheating, etc were discovered?

 

 

• Confession
  
• OW or OM or their spouse disclose or confront
  
• Emails, texts
  
• STD
  
• Caught in the act
  
• Friends, word of mouth
  
• Private I or own investigation
  
• Caught in public
  
• Hotel or restaurant receipts
  
• Other dumb luck
  

 

 

He disclosed to the then-W, and told her he planned to leave her. But it was an open secret.,she was the only one who didn't know.

[LimeBlue]

When he got home, he told me he "loved me but wasn't in love with me" and that he didn't think I understood him. He said we'd been having problems, and asked me to make a list of what I thought they were.

 

I was really confused and incredibly off balance, but it finally dawned on me. He was using the computer when we got a call that he had to race to the phone to answer, and he forgot to log off the computer. A few clicks and I figured out what had been going on.

 

This sounds like what I have recently been through with my MM. I wonder if he has a new supply?

[RySant]

He disclosed to the then-W, and told her he planned to leave her. But it was an open secret.,she was the only one who didn't know.

 

Did you end up with him?

[cocorico]

Did you end up with him?

 

Yes. We've been M for several years now, very happily.

[waterwoman]

Distinctly odd behaviour from DH, rumours doing the round at work which he told me about (in a ' How ridiculous is that?' sort of way) and then I checked his texts. Never done it before.

[Giggle]

I remember him saying a couple off things while I was visiting him during a school for work. On the way home I thought of the things he'd said and him asking what I'd do if he cheated. It suddenly seemed like he'd been trying to tell me.. So instead of asking and giving him a chance to deny it, I asked who she was. Fully expecting him to ask what the hell I was talking about. Awful texting.

 

And then for some dumb reason I thought it was over and he was behaving normal. A month and a half later he came back home from the class and said he was leaving me. ??? And then confessed.

 

I also remember saying some time shortly before that that he was too boring to have an affair.

[The D Train]

There were a few mentions of affairs with family connections (ex SIL's husband). Are there any statistics out there on whether the OW or OM knew the BS (non-cheating spouse, still learning the acronyms)? That is, if there are suspicions should we look "close to home" (non blood relatives, neighbors, co-workers, etc)

[cocorico]

There were a few mentions of affairs with family connections (ex SIL's husband). Are there any statistics out there on whether the OW or OM knew the BS (non-cheating spouse, still learning the acronyms)? That is, if there are suspicions should we look "close to home" (non blood relatives, neighbors, co-workers, etc)

 

When it comes to infidelity,my here are no reliable statistics about *anything*, because of the nature of the topic and the morass of moral judgmentality around it.

 

Some MP shop for APs close to home, because of opportunity. Others do the opposite - and shop as far from home as possible, to ensure BS and AP don't run into each other. Some As develop organically out of non-romantic Rs - eg working together, neighbours, etc, without either partner explicitly seeking an A.

 

If you're looking for anecdotal accounts, some of the infidelity gurus who are worshipped on infidelity forums probably claim to have "stats" based on their (limited sample) patients in their marriage counselling business, or those who write to their agony aunt advice column, or whatever. Skewed, non-representative, completely unscientific, but it seems good enough for some people if it fits with their preconceptions or pet theories (confirmation bias).