Ex just offered another chance

[marky00]

If she was fine with the distance and you were having to push for things to happen, I have to question how much she was really into you. Did she not want you to move there?

 

Also regarding your stress, "but it was an incredibly unique situation" really sounds like you're still making excuses. We all have bad, random stuff happen to us - and it's how we cope with those things which shows who we really are as a person.

 

hmmm..

 

 

I have stated many times I take full responsibility for my actions. What else can I do?

 

 

I'm just stating the fact that it took a very unlucky mix of circumstances to trigger the lack of coping that ensued. I didn't give up or throw the towel in, but I tried to take on too much and she saw through the cracks or just didn't quite understand what was going on and judged on the end result.

[BlueIris]

I can't help but wonder if your behaviour was the only thing which drove her away. Yes, I get that you weren't functioning well when your dog was sick....but what about the distance?

 

10 years long distance just sounds crazy. Why hadn't one of you moved to be with the other in order to give the relationship it's best chance? Sounds to me like both of you had priorities which were placed higher than the relationship.

 

This^^. Accept that you couldn’t or wouldn’t move to her.

 

Also, if a dog's sickness can cause you to act so differently it's worth reflecting on how you would handle the crises that can arise in a lifetime. Take on this problem of not handling the tragedies and crises of life because there will be more and I doubt you want to alienate people each time.

[Blanco]

I have stated many times I take full responsibility for my actions. What else can I do?

 

You can let the experience be a lesson to carry into future relationships; hopefully ones located in your own country.

[Blanco]

I guess I just can't wrap my head around a "relationship" that spans nearly a decade where the involved parties don't even live in the same country and have trouble communicating due to "cultural differences." It sounds like such a shell of a relationship that it almost feels patronizing to call it an actual relationship.

[basil67]

hmmm..

 

 

I have stated many times I take full responsibility for my actions. What else can I do?

 

 

I'm just stating the fact that it took a very unlucky mix of circumstances to trigger the lack of coping that ensued. I didn't give up or throw the towel in, but I tried to take on too much and she saw through the cracks or just didn't quite understand what was going on and judged on the end result.

 

Perhaps I wasn't clear. It sounds like you're placing the blame here on bad luck instead of your coping mechanisms. Going through tough times in life happens to all of us - and you haven't written anything which would lead me to believe that you went through a worse time than any average person would experience a few times in their lives.

 

Meanwhile, I'm still trying to work out why she spent 10 years in a LDR with you but dragged her heels in moving the relationship forward. I don't suppose you were sending her money during that time?

[Broken2016]

In my opinion, if she really cared then she would have stuck around while you were in a rut. Or, at least when you were out of the rut, she would have made contact with you. Part of being with someone is supporting them through the hardships in life, not leaving the minute someone starts to struggle.

[Blanco]

Mark, you've got threads started here in March 2015. That's a year and a half ago. And thanks to you refusing to walk away from the start like everyone advised you to, you're here all this time later having effectively made zero progress.

 

You are wasting your time and the sliver of youth you've got left for someone who doesn't even live in your country. And as I've noted already, I can't wrap my head around the details of your relationship. You've lamented so many things in your threads about this woman and yet, I still have no clue what the draw of her is. You rarely saw her and, due to cultural differences, communication was difficult. What is left? What is it about her that has you literally wasting years of your life?

 

It's strange: I've read just about all of your threads and still feel so lost. It's like you've intentionally left out key details about what the heck fueled this shell of a relationship for 10 years and why you still won't quit even though all the evidence says you should.

[Logic10]

You guys went on a trip which you mostly paid for and then she ghosted you after pretty much. She probably just wasn't feeling it when you guys met up in person, and still misses her ex whom she values more. She left you for him, and than he was the one who discarded her so it wasn't a breakup she wanted.

 

She also probably knows that you'll always be there waiting for her since you place her on a pedestal, and accept her behavior. Don't be her doormat, she probably doesn't have any attraction or much respect for you anymore. You should never contact her again, it'll be for your own good.

 

Good luck.

[marky00]

So people,

 

 

Some of u know my story. Was in a 9 year LDR that ended start of 2015 but we had a brief reconciliation in April this year were we went on a holiday. At around late July, all contact ceased, I was ghosted completely.

 

 

Now today, I c a message on my phone saying "Hi Mark, how have you been".

 

 

Now, I have to admit even though I know all about breadcrumbs etc, in my case I am a bit taken back by the message.

 

 

I just felt like back in July, she sent a signal that she was totally moving on and wanted nothing to do with me at all. I felt like maybe the trip back in April was either to ease her guilt by creating a better ending or maybe was to help her get over her breakup that followed ours.

 

 

But, she knows how much she has hurt me and now that she is free of "us" finally, got what she wanted, she now sends this message?

 

 

And in comparison to the crappy messages I was getting in 2015 and start of 2016, this is the first message in a long time, where she actually mentions my name in the message.

 

 

Anyway, I realise that it could be that after 5 months she has been able to heal from "us" and the distance has allowed her to respect me more and she may be just checking on me as a friend. But honestly, after dumping me like 2 or 3 times, and me telling her several times I did not want a friendship, I just feel like this message is like poking the bear with a stick. It's the sort of message I might have expected to see after 2 years, not 5 months.

 

 

As for me, it was the hardest 5 months of my life because this time I did the NC for real, felt all the pain and tried to pick up the pieces. I just got back from a 1 month holiday in Africa to meet a girl there. I had a fun time but unfortunately I wasn't feeling the chemistry I wanted with this girl so I will need to tell her that soon (something I'd prefer not to have to do as I'm just so over emotional turmoil).

 

 

But, I'll admit I had still been thinking about my Ex and looked at all the things I did that contributed to its demise. Deep down, I think I still think about wanting to give it another go just because I know what I did wrong and I am a different person now. However for my own sanity, I just leave it as a background thought since I know that unless it comes from her, it's just going to lead to further pain.

 

 

Right, now I am thinking to maybe just not respond to the message. I've seen countless posts where once u respond, they then disappear again. Is this the best course of action?

 

 

Thanks

Edited December 27, 2016 by marky00

[Jimmyjackson]

You say she dumped you two or three times, you haven't really stated why. I guess you need to ask yourself what has changed, would it be any different if you gave it another shot compared to the first 3 times times it ended? Maybe three times is proof it's already been exhausted.

 

That said, she simply could be messaging you out of friendship. If you're okay with both outcomes then just say hi back and see what happens. If you think you'll get hurt then stick with your initial decision and don't reply.

Edited December 27, 2016 by Jimmyjackson

[Frozensushi]

I think if I got a text from my Ex today (4 months NC), I'd be extremely shocked because after the B/U I changed my number and blocked hers.

 

Why did you leave a window open? There are a plethora of reasons not to contact her, but it all comes down to you and your recovery in the end.

 

Most here will tell you to stay NC and block her. I say do what you need to do. Sounds like you never got the closure that you needed, but I think that's true for all us broken hearts.

[marky00]

Well, 3 years in I broke it off but then changed my mind.

 

 

About 7-8 years in (2013), she ended it. I managed to convince her to change her mind by flying over there and making a few positive changes. But the reality is, my deeper issues were still there so I was really just delaying the inevitable and so in early 2015 she ended it a 2nd time.

 

 

The third time, I wouldn't really call it a dumping as there wasn't really a relationship. We meet up for a 5 day overseas holiday and couple of months after that she basically disappeared.

 

 

I was going through a rough 2 years from like 2012-2014 which unfortunately affected the relationship.

[marky00]

I think if I got a text from my Ex today (4 months NC), I'd be extremely shocked because after the B/U I changed my number and blocked hers.

 

Why did you leave a window open? There are a plethora of reasons not to contact her, but it all comes down to you and your recovery in the end.

 

Most here will tell you to stay NC and block her. I say do what you need to do. Sounds like you never got the closure that you needed, but I think that's true for all us broken hearts.

 

To be honest, I was so certain I would never hear from her again. That's probably why. I almost wanted to prove to myself that I was right she would never contact again if that makes sense?

 

 

As for seeking closure, I have had to do all this on my own so I wont be suckered into thinking she can help me with that. I don't know what I need to do. I just don't get why I keep misreading life and the situation. I was certain I would never hear from her again and now this?

[marky00]

That said, she simply could be messaging you out of friendship. If you're okay with both outcomes then just say hi back and see what happens. If you think you'll get hurt then stick with your initial decision and don't reply.

 

What's weird is that the trip in April and the couple of months that followed, I felt like we were behaving more as friends as opposed to a relationship. I didn't want to open up too much at the risk of looking foolish and she wasn't making an effort to talk about the past.

 

 

So when, she ghosted me in July, to be honest, we had really been contacting in a friendship type manner (even though I did want more) where we'd just check in once per week etc.

 

 

The reason I am saying this is that if she ghosted me while we were acting in a fairly casual/friendship type way, how or why would she turn around and want a friendship? That's seems illogical.

[kidm]

this is a little off subject but why all these long distance relationships? you mention a new girl from Africa and your ex is long distance too?

 

 

In regards to the current issue, with the number of times you two have broken up and gotten back together, I think the writing is on the wall that nothing good will come of reconnecting. If you are ok with the unknown and can tolerate more heartbreak, by all means..

Edited December 27, 2016 by kidm

[Frozensushi]

I almost wanted to prove to myself that I was right she would never contact again if that makes sense?

 

I don't know what I need to do. I just don't get why I keep misreading life and the situation. I was certain I would never hear from her again and now this?

 

That makes sense, but you two do have a lot of history, so it was certainly not out of the realm of possibility she would get in touch.

 

I'm sure it was a bit jarring to receive that text. I feel that you still have feelings for her, so replying to her could do more harm than good. If you feel indifferent about her and just wanna catch up, I suppose it wouldn't hurt. Either way, you face a tough choice. I wish you the best in your decision.

[marky00]

this is a little off subject but why all these long distance relationships? you mention a new girl from Africa and your ex is long distance too?

 

 

In regards to the current issue, with the number of times you two have broken up and gotten back together, I think the writing is on the wall that nothing good will come of reconnecting. If you are ok with the unknown and can tolerate more heartbreak, by all means..

 

The ex I met on an overseas trip by accident.

 

 

This new girl I met on a dating site that has members from all over the world.

[Jimmyjackson]

What's weird is that the trip in April and the couple of months that followed, I felt like we were behaving more as friends as opposed to a relationship. I didn't want to open up too much at the risk of looking foolish and she wasn't making an effort to talk about the past.

 

 

So when, she ghosted me in July, to be honest, we had really been contacting in a friendship type manner (even though I did want more) where we'd just check in once per week etc.

 

 

The reason I am saying this is that if she ghosted me while we were acting in a fairly casual/friendship type way, how or why would she turn around and want a friendship? That's seems illogical.

 

Well I don't believe exes ever become true friends, I think they become acquaintances. I'd say speaking once in a blue moon is just that.

[marky00]

The writing may be on the wall but as I said I am a different person now. I have grown for sure. I think the string of breakups occurred because I lost my way and kept going back to get burnt by the fire and she had a tough time ending it. To me, it now feels like this is the first time there has been a proper break in that pattern.

 

 

Anyway, unless someone here or a friend gives me a good reason to respond, for now, I will let it slide. That is what my gut instinct says. Especially since no-one has been able to offer insight as to why she contacted me in the first place.

[Jimmyjackson]

The writing may be on the wall but as I said I am a different person now. I have grown for sure. I think the string of breakups occurred because I lost my way and kept going back to get burnt by the fire and she had a tough time ending it. To me, it now feels like this is the first time there has been a proper break in that pattern.

 

 

Anyway, unless someone here or a friend gives me a good reason to respond, for now, I will let it slide. That is what my gut instinct says. Especially since no-one has been able to offer insight as to why she contacted me in the first place.

 

Well nobody will offer any insight, we're not mind readers. She could be contacting you for a number of reasons, it's all speculation. You can either reply and find out or let it be, up to you.

[marky00]

Well nobody will offer any insight, we're not mind readers. She could be contacting you for a number of reasons, it's all speculation. You can either reply and find out or let it be, up to you.

 

Fair enough.

 

 

I guess I was expecting the, "its just breadcrumbs, do not reply" type posts.

[Nadine123]

are you joking? Isnt this the girl who ghosted you and treated you like crap?

[Blanco]

OK, so you're a better person now. That's a great thing. Why waste that on someone who's already burned you a handful of times before?

 

Some of your story is a bit hazy to me at this point, but I distinctly remember you often referencing how coldly your ex discarded you for another person earlier this year.

 

I don't see how that entitles her to your attention just because she's reappeared months later and tugged on the string to see if there's anything there.

[Marc878]

I'll say it. Breadcrumbs. Nothing more other than needing some validation that you care.

 

Probably drinking and randomly called

[Slimtripper]

This is a good thread for people to read.

The poster has ignored every bit of advice for coming up to 3/4 years i think?

Imagine the fun and new experiences he'd have had if he'd accepted it was over, been strong and not let this person in his life anymore.

Every time it came to make the decision he's chosen the easiest one. Which ends the short term pain.

Whatever you do after a break up, that pain is coming. However long you choose to drag it out depends on how strong you can be in NC.

We have so little time on this planet. Do not waste a day on someone who does not truly care about you.